I want to start being more financially responsible. My husband doesn't want to hear it. Can I do this without hurting our marriage? How?
A bit of background: We've been together for nine years, married for one, and we have two kids, 7 and 1. We got together when we were quite young (and had our first baby immediately) and started out beyond broke. We're doing much better than we used to, but we're still broke - and worse, we're in debt all over the place. We're behind on everything.
He works full-time and makes most of the money. His income mostly goes to our family/living expenses. I go to school, work part-time and my money goes to pay off child care and my cell phone and credit card bills. Neither of us are particularly financially responsible. Neither of us have good credit. I shop too much and have the credit card debt to prove it. The responsibility belongs to both of us. I know this. But things are spiraling out of control, and I want it to stop. I want to start acting like grown-ups, get our shit together, maybe make a budget, maybe even start saving a little, especially with the recession coming up (or happening already). But the family money isn't mine, and he refuses to think about it or talk about it. And it's getting us into trouble.
Things have been getting progressively worse. His bank account is currently hundreds of dollars in the negative. He just got this account recently because his previous bank account went hundreds of dollars in the negative. He has a credit card with a $200 limit that he hasn't paid since god knows when. He hadn't paid our cell phone or internet or insurance bills in months and they were about to be shut off, so I paid them when I got my student loan. We were two months behind on the rent until I paid that with my student loan too. Now we're one month behind. We owe money to our daughter's school and I don't even know who else. The money we get is his - he gets the paychecks and deposits them into his account. At one point we had some savings in an account that served as overdraft protection for his checking account, but now that's gone. I have no access to any of it. I don't know where it goes. He doesn't either. And I can't even ask him. He gets tense and stressed out and angry if I say anything about money at all, to the point that he has straight up told me on multiple occasions that he doesn't want to hear it and he doesn't want to think about it, so he won't. But isn't not thinking about it what got us here in the first place?
He's burned out and depressed – clinically, probably, but he dismisses the idea if I mention it, saying that what makes him unhappy is his situation and that drugs or therapy couldn't help with that. He says that it's really upsetting and depressing to him that he works so much and is tired all the time and never sees any of it or has anything to show for it. He admits that there are things that he spends money on that he could cut down on, like not bringing a lunch to work or going out to the bar with his friends, but he says that he's too exhausted or he doesn't have time or he wants to do fun stuff that makes him happy on his off time to make him feel better about working so much. I can understand how he feels. I'm exhausted and stressed out about juggling the responsibilities of school and work and kids too. But he says that there's no way that anything can or will ever change about our situation, and I don't believe that at all. When I graduate, we'll have dual incomes, and when the kids get older we'll have more time to ourselves. I don't think it's inevitable that we'll be broke forever. I think we're managing our money badly and there's room to improve. There has to be.
I want things to change. On my end, I'm trying. I have ADHD and I'm terrible with organizational stuff and paperwork, but I've been using financial software to track my spending and remind me to pay my bills and stuff, and it's been useful to me. I know where my money goes and I don't bounce checks or miss payments - but I can only do this with my (limited) money and not the family finances, and I think it would be a useful tool for all of us. Today I brought up the suggestion that we sit down as a couple with the numbers and work out a budget. He got upset (as he always does) and said that he doesn't want to deal with it. At all. I said that I'd really like it to be something that both of us are responsible for, but that if he really doesn't want to or isn't willing to deal with it, that I wanted to at least take on part of the responsibility of doing so. I asked him if he was interested in the possibility of a joint checking account; he said no, that it would go negative twice as fast. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said “Fine, I'll just sign the checks over to you then!” But he's not happy about it. He says that it means that he never has any money and can never do anything fun, and that it'll make him feel even worse about working so much and about his life. I asked him if he wanted an allowance and he said that he thought it would make him feel dependent on me. I asked him if there was any solution that would make him happy. He said no, nothing about this stuff could ever make him happy.
This isn't what I wanted. Ultimately, I'd like us to do this together. But if he won't do it, somebody has to be taking the responsibility, right? Is there a better way for me to be doing this? What can I do? How can I keep him happy? I don't want him to be stressed out or miserable, but I do want us to be above water.
(And before anyone says it, DTMFA is not an option. I'm feeling frustrated with him right now, but he's a wonderful, loving husband and a caring father and my best friend in the world. I want us to get through this together and be stronger for it.)
Thanks, y'all.
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(BTW, It's worth knowing the DTMFA is always an option. You can get taken advantage of if a given MFA knows you'll never leave)
posted by bonaldi at 6:16 PM on February 4 [2 favorites]