People are not Pokemon. Stop trying to keep them all.

January 25, 2008 5:36 PM

How can I reign in jealousy?

I am in a happy long-term relationship and we are planning our marriage.

An old flame recently contacted me after 3 years of non-contact and we have begun a friendship. Whenever he mentions individuals he is attracted to, I become jealous. I am not interested in romance with this man, we were unsuited in the majority of areas and I am engaged to my soul-mate.

It feels almost like an "well, if I couldn't have you, no-one else will!" reaction to his having romantic relationships with other people. I don't understand this emotional reaction -- my cognitive approach to exes is usually of the "I wasn't perfect for them, and so it is best for them and me that they find someone that is" ethos.

I feel that this jealousy is unproductive because it is preventing me from being friendly with my ex and it is beginning to intrude into other areas of my life through rumination and anxiety.

Any advice on how to "talk down" this jealousy or rephrase my thoughts, CBT-style, would be much appreciated. I have good knowledge and experience with CBT but have never rephrased jealousy-type emotions.

posted by anonymous to human relations (9 comments total)

Sounds like too much trouble to me. What does your partner think of you being jealous of an ex's relationships?
posted by b33j at 5:50 PM on January 25

Why don't you just bag that friendship? Sounds like you have too much history and it will continue to interfere with the relationship in front of you.
posted by 45moore45 at 6:07 PM on January 25

Are you feeling jealous, really? Or are you feeling bitter or threatened?

Are you comparing all of these new people to yourself, wondering if they have something that you don't? Are you secretly disappointed that he's been able to move on with his life instead of sitting home alone on the floor, clutching pictures of you to his breast and sobbing?

Maybe, some part of your subconscious still thinks, "MINE!"

These feelings are petty and outrageous, but we all have our petty, outrageous moments, and exes have a knack for bringing them on.

Go ahead and write out what your feeling, in bullet points. And then, attack each bullet point with the question, "'Cause why???"

I hate it when he talks about the officemate he has a crush on.

'Cause why?

The "'cause why" exercise is great because it often ends in ridiculous statements you'd never say out loud. Then you can attack them for the irrational thoughts they are, and rub each one out like a shoulder knot.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 6:21 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

I feel that this jealousy is unproductive because it is preventing me from being friendly with my ex and it is beginning to intrude into other areas of my life through rumination and anxiety.

You know, it's not fair that you should have to do all of this CBT work when your ex could simply demonstrate a little bit of common courtesy and not go on about how hot those other women are.

You might want to mention to him that this is a habit of his that annoys you.

People are not Pokemon. Stop trying to keep them all.

As mentioned above, this particular ex might not be a keeper.
posted by jason's_planet at 7:35 PM on January 25

You said he "recently" contacted you. Give it some time. You'll probably come to some acceptance of your new relationship status.

Why does he do this? Maybe he thinks you can shed some light on his relationship problems. Or maybe he's trying to make you jealous in which case you can leave him in the dust without a twang of remorse.
posted by MiffyCLB at 9:05 PM on January 25

It's better to cut off the person, quickly.
posted by parmanparman at 11:03 PM on January 25

Whenever he mentions individuals he is attracted to
Why does he need to even mention this? Is there anything productive about it? Is it even appropriate even that contact has just been reestablished? I'd say he's either being mean or insensitive.
posted by melissam at 12:46 AM on January 26

I think you mean "rein in", as in "prevent from running away", rather than "reign in", which means "rule in".

Be that as it may: get in front of the bathroom mirror, and have a good old think about this ex getting a life with someone else, and while you're doing that, look yourself right in the eye. Once the jealousy flares up, give yourself a thorough dressing-down for being a dog-in-the-manger drama queen, while maintaining eye contact.

Either the dressing-down will take, which is a win, or you will crack yourself up laughing, which is a win.
posted by flabdablet at 1:23 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Why are you hanging out with your ex-boyfriend who makes you crazy?
posted by chunking express at 7:49 AM on January 28