Some men are islands

January 8, 2008 7:37 AM

I don't want to die alone.

I'm in kind of a tight spot.

I was in a long-term, serious relationship that crumbled a few months ago. We had moved to the Northwest to be together, but she left and returned to our former town, halfway across the country.

Since then, I've become very, very isolated. I never got to know anyone in our new town, and my apartment is kind of on the fringe of the area. My sleep schedule is shattered, and I'm eating a lot more than I would like. I can't seem to muster the attention span to do things that used to be fun and interesting. I've tried reconnecting with old friends on the e-mail, but I think I've spammed them a little at this point. I've tried drinking, but the expense and the headaches have kinda ruled that out for now.

Mostly, I watch TV and wait until I can sleep again. Sometimes I have to get out of here, so I go to the grocery store. I can handle chats with cashiers, but when I've had occasion to have actual conversations, I start talking too fast and get all jittery and jump around from subject to subject -- so it's no surprise I've never hung out with anyone twice here. I'm a guy barreling towards 30, and I'm utterly hopeless socially. Dating really isn't on my mind at the moment, but I'll never get married or have a family in the future if I can't leave the house or talk to women. And I can't talk to women if I can't talk to anyone.

Basically, every logistic of socializing is broken for me. I don't have a lot of money to spend on events. I live far away from everything. I don't feel like I've anything interesting to say, or any interesting aspects. I'm unattractive, and the overeating is only making that worse. I struggle with anxiety, and pretty much figure there's nothing I can say to anyone without coming off as a miserable psycho shut-in when this town is full of strangers. I've learned to plan on being rejected, and I can't take any more rejection. I just don't understand people, and I'm running out of time to learn.

Clearly, I need some therapy. And I've got something lined up that ought to get me eight sessions over the next three months, which should help. But these anxiety problems have been with me all my life, and I don't think eight hours will quite crack them. This isn't the first time I've found myself utterly isolated in a relatively big town, and I'm getting too old to waste any more time in this fashion.

I'm wondering if maybe some of you have gone through something similar in the past, and learned how to overcome it. And I'm hoping you might share the way you started to dig yourself out. I know that friends and relationships are what make life worth living, but I don't even know how to start a conversation. Sorry this ran long.

Thank you.

posted by anonymous to human relations (52 comments total)

I think that there is an important step BEFORE focusing on socializing, and that is to be comfortable with yourself. You are clearly not happy with your life as is - the sleeping, the overeating, the TV. What hobbies and interests can you pour yourself into that don't require socialization, but do lend itself to conversation? For example, my fiance is an introvert who loves sea kayaking. He can be by himself on the lake, but when he encounters other people, he has great, interesting stories to tell and pictures to share. In addition, he feels better about himself when he's DOING something other than wasting time, and he's healthier.

Do something you love - it could be anything from music to photography to martial arts. It doesn't matter if you're any good at it, just that you enjoy it, and you're open to learning about it. Passion attracts people - not just potential lovers but friends.
posted by desjardins at 7:50 AM on January 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

desjardins' post is far better than my own, having just refreshed the page. But here it is anyway...

My advice? Find an evening course at a local university or college. In the UK, at least, they're not that expensive. Learn a language, or something computer-related. Takes your mind off things, plus it helps to better yourself.

Or do some volunteer work with a local charity. Don't worry about having to commit, as most charities will take whatever time you can offer.

The bonus to things like this is that you have less time to socialise, meaning you feel less like you're wasting your time sitting at home instead of 'going out'.

Who says dating, drinking or staying in are the only ways to spend your time?
posted by tapeguy at 7:56 AM on January 8, 2008

Since then, I've become very, very isolated. I never got to know anyone in our new town, and my apartment is kind of on the fringe of the area. My sleep schedule is shattered, and I'm eating a lot more than I would like. I can't seem to muster the attention span to do things that used to be fun and interesting. I've tried reconnecting with old friends on the e-mail, but I think I've spammed them a little at this point. I've tried drinking, but the expense and the headaches have kinda ruled that out for now....Mostly, I watch TV and wait until I can sleep again.

Those sound like pretty classic descriptions of depression. I wouldn't be surprised that recent events coupled with your perspective on your life right now would trigger an episode of depression. My thought would be to talk with your therapist about using those eight sessions to focus on and lift the low mood so that you can begin to think about tackling the more long-term concerns, like building the social skills you have recognized you want, with a more hopeful mind. You definitely can become a more socially comfortable person, less anxious, and happier within your own skin, but right now I think depression is bogging you down.

Eight sessions might not sound like a lot, but I bet you'll be amazed how even one helps. You can make some significant progress in eight, and by the time you reach the end, you may have found some additional strategies/solutions.

Until you get started on appointments, try to be patient with yourself (you don't have to fix everything right this second) and try to do a few things that will make you feel better. Take a walk outside every day for half an hour or so - you'll get some sunlight and some exercise, both of which could help with improvements in your outlook, brain chemistry-wise.
posted by Miko at 8:00 AM on January 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

You'd be surprised at what 8 hours of therapy will do. Sure, you're not going to fix everything in eight sessions--but you will almost certainly put a crack in the shell. And your therapist will help make sure you have the toolkit to keep working on yourself.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:01 AM on January 8, 2008

I agree with the above posters, who are seemingly quite smart. I especially like the idea of taking a night class, and can see that as a great way of diving into interactions again. Adding to that, I'd advise you to try and tweak your environment so it's not a black hole of despair. Put music on (it doesn't have to be cheery pop -- maybe some jazz on internet radio?), and open the blinds. Having a brighter space can make positivity easier, at least for me.
posted by Milkman Dan at 8:03 AM on January 8, 2008

Those sound like pretty classic descriptions of depression.

I agree. Your choice to talk with a therapist is a great step in the right direction. In the meantime, try not to be so hard on yourself and realize that you are working on improving your life. Eventually things will get better, even if it seems very dark right now.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:04 AM on January 8, 2008

I feel like I'm in the same boat in most respects, apart from the prior long-term relationship. Feel free to fill up my mailbox with as much as you like, I'll reply and fills yours up back (and that goes for anyone reading) =)

ablestmage at gmail dot com

Like others have said, I've found that taking a certain interest in something like a community service project or random club of some kind lends itself to just meeting random people. You might also consider discarding the TV altogether. I no longer own one myself, and haven't missed it for the 2.5 years I've been without -- but have gotten loads of things accomplished that would have otherwise been spent plopped couchward.
posted by vanoakenfold at 8:08 AM on January 8, 2008

Start running. Pick a race a couple of months from now and start training for it, even if you never have before. There are all kinds of first time guides on the web, I think the kids talk about one called Couch to 5k.

Among the most easily articulated benefits will be: a lift in mood from physical activity, something to do that is not watching TV, something that will either focus your mind on something else or give you a chance to hash out stuff you're already thinking about, a schedule (a much overlooked externally-controlled aspect of mental health), a goal to work toward, and something that may lead to interactions with people (you could join a running club).
posted by OmieWise at 8:09 AM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Concur with desjardins. Also, you didn't mention your current job situation, though it sounds as though you're unemployed? This is also an important issue to think about in terms of long-term planning.

You might consider getting a pet, if you're not allergic. I know, many will say that if you can't take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of something as helpless as a pet? But some people can themselves together because the motivation to help something or someone else is greater than the motivation to get off their asses for themselves. This will depend greatly on your personality and living conditions, of course, so it's just a generic idea.
posted by Ky at 8:10 AM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry, I meant to add that if you feel as if things are just too much to handle, and you're in the midst of a mental health emergency, you should go to the ER or see if your town has a local crisis response line. Do not wait for your therapy appointment if you think you're in the midst of an emergency.
posted by OmieWise at 8:10 AM on January 8, 2008

Go volunteer somewhere. You'll interact with generous people who like to help others, which may help take off some of the pressure you're feeling in your encounters with others. Habitat for Humanity is a good one -- you're not expected to have any kind of expertise, but you'll probably develop some, which will help you with the self-esteem issues. And the activity will help with the depression you're almost certainly experiencing.

Good luck with the therapy, probably the single most important step you can take to help you get out of this rut.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 8:13 AM on January 8, 2008

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
Are you in shape? If not, join a gym, buy some weights, or start some type of exercise regimen. Exercise has been shown to combat depression. Plus you'll have more energy, look better, feel more confident, and be more attractive to women.

You live in the northwest, where there are mountains, lakes, and the ocean. Join the Sierra Club or other outdoorsy group. I meet lots of great people through the Sierra Club because hiking is conducive to socializing in a way that other types of exercise are not.

Best of luck to you in this difficult time.
posted by HotPatatta at 8:14 AM on January 8, 2008

get rid of your television. it will force you to do other things.
posted by brooklynexperiment at 8:14 AM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

You should sign up for a gym and start working out, eat healthy, etc.

That will make you feel a lot better about yourself, look better, be around other people, etc. I've never done any socializing at the gym, but some people do it.
posted by delmoi at 8:15 AM on January 8, 2008

This happened to me after a very long relationship as well. I was fortunate that I was close to friends. However, I still felt alone even in crowds. I lost my single socializing skills in favor of a couple’s mindset. When that was gone, I felt very awkward. I tried to force myself into situations, but they usually turned out poorly because I wasn’t happy with myself.

Get happy with yourself. Go at a comfortable pace. Get rid of your TV. Read more. Learn a new hobby. Write a personal journal. Write a blog. These things helped me feel more interesting.

Get right with diet and exercise. Get on a regular sleep schedule. These things will improve your mood. Definitely go to your therapy.

Most of all, take this time for you. Don’t worry about meeting other people, making friends. You are young. You won’t die alone, even though you feel this way. I was thirty too when all this happened to me. I’m 35 and I’m getting married to my best friend in May. I met her when I was 32. Two years might seem like an eternity, but it’s worth it to change yourself for the better.
posted by studentbaker at 8:15 AM on January 8, 2008

Yes, this sounds like fairly classic (!) depression. Hopefully, the therapy will help. I also HIGHLY recommend a book called "Feeling Good" which has helped me a lot. There are some specific exercises related to rediscovering pleasure in everyday activities, IIRC.

Also nthing the recommendation to get some exercise. This time of year in the NW it's a PITA to get exercise outdoors, but even short walks might help. I find that I need a LOT of exercise to really keep my mood well-balanced, but anything I get is a positive step.

Good luck.
posted by epersonae at 8:23 AM on January 8, 2008

been there. except without the breakup.

When I finally figured out WTF was up and had enough, I went to the my General Practitioner, told them what I was experiencing, and asked to try some medication. they ended up giving me some paxil (which is one of the "$4 for 30 pills" generics you can get at wal-mart), and it has definitely helped with the anxiety and feeling like shit.

It's not the end-point fix to your problem, but I feel it was a necessary first step (for me anyway) before even considering the things desjardins and tapeguy suggest (which will be the long-term path to feeling better). When I was at my lowest, all these suggestions were total non-starters because 1) I had no idea what I even liked anymore and 2) going out (even to the gym) panicked the shit out of me, almost bordering on agoraphobia.

A lot of people here will tell you to 'just to to the gym' or 'eat healthy', but if you can barley work up the balls to go to the grocery store, that just sounds like a simplistic, condescending answer, in my experience.

there are also a bunch of other posts here on the green that have some good advice.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 8:28 AM on January 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Been there, done that - not the exact same situation, but the same feelings of isolation and black hole of despair. Getting a great therapist really helped. And I also got a short-term course of medication. Turns out I didn't need the meds forever, but a short stint of anti-depressants rewired my brain pathways and allowed me to get the best out of my therapy, and to take steps to get out and take part in the world.

I say this because, as ArgentCorvid points out and I agree, depression makes you not want to take any steps that would get you out of that depression. Depression is a horrible energy-and-motivation suck. You find yourself sleeping half the day away and not interested in the things you formerly love. So please, please, treat your depression first and foremost, and if you need meds, you need 'em, and they can be a godsend.

Good luck, LW, and let us know how things turn out.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:44 AM on January 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

do something every day that will make you sweat - doesn't have to be running, although the good thing about running is that it is relatively low-maintenance (get good shoes!), and if you are somewhere beautiful, it's all the better.

If you watch television, watch something edifying - Ken Burns, Planet Earth, Shakespeare, etc.

Rest assured that everyone here has been through some form of this, to one degree or another - you'll get through. You'll need to be open to everything, but that's a good thing, anyway. Also think about the age issues that you brought up - you aren't too old for anything, basically - you are certainly not too old to be confused by relationships. Cut yourself some slack there, if you can.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 8:58 AM on January 8, 2008

Taking hands on classes has been a huge mood booster for me. Cooking and glassblowing are things I have coming up.

It's important to me to that it be hands on. It gives me something to focus on other than the social interaction with other students. It allows conversations to be about the work, rather than me or the other student. The social stuff can then come naturally.

And finally - you've had a girlfriend. You'll get another.

Good luck.
posted by donpardo at 9:00 AM on January 8, 2008

I'd like to throw in another "good on ya" for seeking therapy, nth the suggestion to find activities outside your home(even as simple as walking for XX mins daily), and point out that the 8 sessions you've got lined up are not only 8 hours of therapy. You'll spend 8 hours with your therapist over the course of the sessions, but, hopefully, you'll be actively working through your issues at all times.

Best of luck in all respects.
posted by owtytrof at 9:02 AM on January 8, 2008

brooklynexpirement: getting rid of your TV is an excellent idea. I moved to Montana ten years ago, not knowing a soul, and I did not have a TV (or a car, after the transmission blew up). Bought a bike, went to the library often, went hiking in the mountains, and felt like I was really living, not just killing time until I died.
posted by desjardins at 9:05 AM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I was in an eerily similar situation a few years back (in Seattle, working a job I didn't like, found my long-time GF in bed w/ another guy, few friends, crazy social anxiety, lonely).

First thing: You will not die alone. I know it feels like you will right now, but you're thinking about ways to change your course for the better, and that's way farther than plenty of people get. Good job.

Second: Stop watching so much TV. In your situation I found the imagined world shown on TV reinforced my belief that I was a loser (everyone on TV has loads of friends, money and things to do), and it took all my free time up as well. Go to the local library instead. It's free and is a good way to be around people who don't want to talk to you. Good way to aclimate in a non-threatening social atmosphere and you might find a few books you love, too.

Third: take OmieWise's advice and get a pair of running shoes. Running is free, gives you a reason to get out of the house and can ultimately lead to entering races, which are fun. Make no mistake, however, you'll suck at running at first. Don't expect to much, set realistic goals (read: start slow) and just enjoy being outside and drawing breath. Forget about races for a while, just enjoy the run. Plenty of beautiful places to run outside in the NW, too: don't restrict yourself to tracks. (hiking/walking can substitute for walking, too. Still healthy and fun)

Fouth: Drink lots of water. Sounds dumb, but you'll be amazed at how much better you feel. Not juice, not soda, not tea: water.

Fifth, and last: Don't rush. Stretch your body and go easy on yourself. You will learn to cope and things will get better.

Good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 9:06 AM on January 8, 2008

Hang in there. Therapy is a great first step. Go to therapy, and be as honest as you can about your thoughts.

Instead of watching television, try writing down the things that you are thinking, the things that you're watching television or sleeping to try and distract yourself from. It will be hard, so try to do it just for a little while. Set a timer for say, 15 minutes. Tell yourself you'll do something healthy for yourself, like journaling, emailing a friend (even if you don't send it, just to pour out your heart a bit) or doing some exercise - just for 15 minutes. You can do just about anything for 15 minutes. You may find when those 15 minutes are up, you want to keep going, or you may decide to stop, but you did something good for yourself either way.

Definitely drink water. If you don't like drinking water and are craving beer or soda, tell yourself that you will drink a glass of water first and then have your soda/beer/coffee/pickle juice/etc. When you're eating, take a sip of water between every bite. It will help you to slow down and not inhale your food, and you'll fill up faster - you'll be less likely to overeat.

Try some breathing exercises. Just take some time, if and when you feel stressed out, lonely or scared, to just be still. Breathe in through your nose and out from your mouth. Just focus on your breathing. Try to quiet your thoughts for a bit.

These are all ways to be kind to yourself. It is all very much harder said than done, particularly if you are caught in a negative loop of depression. Been there, sometimes I still am there. All of the advice here to find a passion and distraction is good, but if you're not ready, you're not ready. First, you need to feel safe and comfortable on your own and in your own skin. You will totally get there - and this dark time can be a memory that you draw upon to advise friends and loved ones who very well may fall into this same pit one day.
posted by pazazygeek at 9:23 AM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

This sounds like depression, and anything that you can do to fight it will help with the loneliness and conversation. Running has vastly improved my quality of life, and boosted me through dark times. I highly recommend it. Also, how long have you been in the Northwest? I'm in the Northeast and the lack of sunlight is *absolutely* killing me. You might look at light therapy of some kind.

I also find that meditation helps me a lot, but that can be too new age-y for some people. You can read the fulltext of Mindfulness in Plain English online, and there are some good AskMe threads about it as well. An easier suggestion may be just to do something new every day. Even something small, just so you feel like you're alive and not stuck in a bottomless pit. Go to a different grocery store every day, even. Drive around a different part of town. Listen to a new radio station. New things give you more stuff to talk about once you feel like talking.

Overall, I think that the key thing to remember is that you are going to get a lot of great ideas in this thread, but that you might dread putting them into action. Depression destroys my motivation to feel better, even when I know what will work. You just have to power your way through it. Schedule time for it, and DO IT and don't give up.
posted by unknowncommand at 9:31 AM on January 8, 2008

You need to like yourself. I think the rest of your problems will sort themselves out when you are comfortable and happy with who you are as a person, and the situation you find yourself in now. You are young, single, living in a new city. That can be exciting.
posted by chunking express at 9:31 AM on January 8, 2008

Anon, I was you a few years ago. I don't have time to write today and don't have a magic cure anyway, but if you're interested in chatting, please e-mail me (see profile).
posted by iguanapolitico at 9:48 AM on January 8, 2008

I agree with OmieWise. If not a race, get out once a day and take a walk. You can walk by yourself if you feel more comfortable. Then, slowly increase your exercise level. In times of high stress, I've found I can't be both mentally and physically exhausted at the same time. If I can tire myself with physical exercise that helps quite a bit.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 10:30 AM on January 8, 2008

These are all good posts. Although some have said this, I think it's worth repeating: It really seems like you don't like yourself very much. I think that the first thing you need to do is figure out what makes you happy (not what you think should make you happy). Then, learn to accept yourself and like yourself for who you are. Then the other things should fall into place.
posted by monarch75 at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2008

As AgentCorvid says when you are where you clearly are it is next to impossible to actually get up the energy to "DO" things like excercise or running. This sounds like depression.
Interacting with other people feels like being skinned alive and showering in lemon juice. Eye contact is exquisitely painful.

When I was there I needed a short course of an SSRI before I was even remotely in the headspace to help myself get out of the deep well. I think it would be very good to see a doctor before the therapy starts.

All of us are dancing around the obvious: You represent a demographic timebomb. Young, single male with no obvious support structure in the throes of depression.

But unlike those timebombs you actually reached out to this community for help. And this is very much a community. You've had some offers above to enter into e-mail contact and I add my name to those. Use us. One of us is bound to be on-line.

Secondly, consider the meds, or at very least be willing to get to an emergency room if things go pear shaped. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself like Meissen china until the support kicks in. It is very, very easy to beat yourself up about the smallest thing. Your over-eating is currently a comfort mechanism. The only problem with using comfort mechanisms like alcohol is that it is, in an of itself, a depressant. Food is not. Tackle that problem later. Enjoy the small pleasures (if you still manage to extract any!), there's plenty of time to work on that.

I completely agree with a class especially with a practical component. Repetitive, practical things are a godsend right now, even if you decide to just clear out your wardrobe.

Also the hydration issue if often overlooked in depression. Drink lots of water. Some small steps that are doable will help.

Best of luck.
posted by Wilder at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think most of us have been there at some point and, yes, you need to like yourself, but sometimes it helps to just throw yourself out there whether you actually want to or not. Go join an activity group of some sort or, heck, just go anywhere to be around other people, even if you can't muster the desire to talk to them. It's a start.
posted by katillathehun at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2008

you need to like yourself

And start by congratulating yourself. You obviously do value and care for yourself, enough to start taking care of this problem without prompting from anyone. You made appointments for therapy, you reached out for advice on a blog, you make an effort to get out into the world. These are indications that you don't believe you are worth giving up on and that you're going to have what it takes to help yourself get happier. You're not the kind of person that will allow yourself to suffer endlessly. You want life to get better and you believe that it can be. So you are helping yourself to improve it. That's huge.

As someone says above, the hardest part about depression is convincing yourself that you can do something about it when your entire being is discouraged and low on energy. But you're well on your way to being able to take that kind of step. The exercise advice isn't condescending at all - it really helps. I know it's hard to make yourself do it, but if you're willing to believe that it might help, and you have determination to feel better (something your post here makes me think you do), then you can certainly give it a try and see what happens. It's worked for a lot of people.
posted by Miko at 11:26 AM on January 8, 2008

Seconding the Sierra Club for combining exercise, fresh air and gentle socializing. They have a singles group in many areas, too, which runs hikes etc for singlefolk (I used to go on Sierra Singles hikes in the Bay Area and found them very pleasant - not a whiff of meat market about them, plenty of interesting things along the trail to spark conversation, and easy escapes by changing your pace a little if you don't hit it off with the person you're walking next to).
posted by Quietgal at 11:28 AM on January 8, 2008

This is my newest thing to recommend to people looking to make contact with other people, to get out of the house, to get some exercise and to hear live music all at the same time. Find a Contra Dance in your area. People of all ages attend, so it's a really nice no-pressure way to meet people without feeling like you're at a meat market, if you know what I mean.

You can't be sad listening to the kind of music that gets played at one of these events - fiddle, drum, banjo, flute, keyboard, guitar or some combination of all of the above. There is a caller, who generally gives instruction to newcomers for the first half hour and then walks you through the dance once or twice at the beginning and continues to call out the moves for as long as seems necessary.

At least half the people I see at these dances come without partners, since it is customary to dance with a new person for each dance anyway. There has been a wonderful sense of community we've discovered and sometimes there is potluck!
posted by jvilter at 11:35 AM on January 8, 2008

Huh, for some reason, my link to contra dance resources didn't link. Trying again. Contra dance.

Here it is to cut and paste if that doesn't work:

http://www.contradancelinks.com/
posted by jvilter at 11:37 AM on January 8, 2008

I watch lots of TV and like it, and I have to agree with those who say get rid of it, or at least turn it off long enough to do something else. It compartmentalizes your life, you waste your time with little gained and the scenes you see distort reality.

Also, these dark months are hard on many of us. Find as much light as you can.

Remember, this too shall pass. You've got your likes and your dislikes and unless you are actually clinically depressed, a time period that arrives where you hate all the things you liked, will pass.
posted by cashman at 11:41 AM on January 8, 2008

P.S. If you want a pen pal, feel free to email me. I guess we'd be key pals then. Either way, I'm down.
posted by studentbaker at 11:49 AM on January 8, 2008

@Miko: The exercise advice isn't condescending at all - it really helps

It may not seem like it is, but when people were telling me to 'go running' when I could barely even leave the apartment made me feel like they didn't know where I was coming from. It's the combination of Anxiety + Depression that makes this really suck.

I needed something else to get my brain together enough to where I was able to not freak out about going outside. Medication ended up being that something else for me. I almost walked away from my appointment due to the anxiety issues; I'm glad I didn't though, because that is what ultimately got me out of the loop.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 12:25 PM on January 8, 2008

Why don't you consider moving back to somewhere you *do* have friends and/or family support? I second the support for therapy (but be sure feel comfortable with the therapist-- if you don't, find another one-- that personal connection makes a difference and they understand. and ideally, make sure they practice cognitive behavioral or interpersonal therapy as other therapies do not have as much empirical support in depression). I also second the suggestions for exercise and for meds.

All of those can help.

But if you have a hard time making friends and you have a set of existing friends somewhere else, why not go back to where your support is? I'm sure you didn't "spam" them as much as you thought and there is no shame to moving back if you hate where you are. Your friends probably miss you too!
posted by Maias at 12:43 PM on January 8, 2008

FWIW--I met my husband when he was at a real low point--depressed, in debt, overweight, between jobs, etc. But I recognized something in him, and found him really charming and lovable. Now we're married and we're both happier--still lots of work ahead (I tend to be depressed too), but it gets better all the time.

Stay hopeful, and good luck!
posted by frosty_hut at 12:55 PM on January 8, 2008

I want to reiterate that meds do and can help. Yes, for some people exercise and diet is a good enough boost to help them emerge out of depression, but for others, there is a serious neuro-chemical imbalance going on in your head that no amount of physical stimulation will fix. So ask your therapist to recommend a psychiatrist or go to your doctor to get a temporary prescription if you don't feel better in a few weeks.

Also, add me to the list of people offering to be your email buddy and support. Never feel like you can't reach out. Someone will be there.
posted by lychee at 2:09 PM on January 8, 2008

All of the advice above is useful and on the spot. I would recommend things that are non-drug related. I've gone to the dark side at least once due to what seemed like an overwhelming life change coupled with winter blues, geographic dislocation and economics gone sour. I pulled myself back from the brink one day at a time without using drugs. I had some social support though unlike you.
I would recommend some things. One is to start making a regular early bedtime and regular early rising time. Use an alarm clock. Get up when it rings right then and start your day. Don't watch or read the news at least a half hour before sleep or after you get up.
Two. Get some fish liver oil or vitamin D supplements and take them regularly. I prefer cod liver oil and I think it really helps with the lack of sunlight in winter.
Cut back on carbohydrates. Start your meal with a good protein (fish, eggs, meat), follow it with veggies, then maybe fruit, then maybe desert if you have any room left. Too much carbo will make you gain weight, make you feel sluggish and depressed and is part of the winter syndrome.
Three. Start walking regularly. Walk to the store, walk around the block. Ride a bike if you have one. It's a good way to start getting some exercise and will make you feel better.
Four. Drink.Lots.of.Water.
Five. Go volunteer somewhere you will be forced to use your social skills. You will find your social skills have not disappeared so much as atrophied. Give them a workout. Giving is a great way to change your attitude. Gift someone. Volunteer to help.
Six. Go to 'toolstolife.com' and start doing the process there. It's free, it's really easy and it helps you create a positive outlook.
If you get into a spiral, call for help. There are groups that will talk to you on the phone. The drugs can help break a spiral of despair. If you're in a loop sometimes you have to break out of the loop before you can regain control. Don't mistake the drug for healing though. Ultimately the drug will just paper over whatever the real problem is.
Even though your description is a bit bleak there's nothing there that couldn't change for the better given time and attention. Hold on to the hope that positive change can happen even if it seems distant or unattainable at the moment.
posted by diode at 3:09 PM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

.......easy there, no-one is being condescending about exercise! But the way the poster describes his scenario I think getting into the shower in the mornings is probably a challenge.
I've just tried looking at past AskMe's as there was a fantastic post from someone who described just that. The steps he took just to get to the shower in the morning. It included how exactly he turned on the shower, then folded the towels to lie on the floor until he could get up the motivation to get in the shower. The point was small steps that felt like little victories (and I'm so annoyed with myself that I can't find it!).

there are many past AskMe's that can be useful poster so please do search when you get a chance. You can always unfavorite them at a later stage!

and please do keep reaching out.
posted by Wilder at 3:12 PM on January 8, 2008

Also as Diode says there is plenty of evidence that fucked up cicadian rhythms caused by poor sleep hygiene (getting to bed at the wrong time, broken sleep, staying in bed too long etc., etc.,) contibutes to depressive feelings.
Having said that, when I was where you appear to be now, I just wanted to stay in bed all day, and the fact that I couldn't then sleep at nights had me roaming my apartment until the wee hours obsessively overthinking things.

But you know what, it only sounds like I understand what you are going through cos most of us who have been through this transfer our own experience onto others when we think we see the signs.
I'd rather err on that side though, no matter what.
posted by Wilder at 3:20 PM on January 8, 2008

Hope is one of the things that depression takes away. Some times, when I had/have none of my own left, I get along on other people's hope for me. I may not believe that that things will ever be different, but my doctor/my therapist/my friend/my brother does, and I respect them, so maybe I can trust just a little in them.

Like Wilder said - some of the people who say they've been where you are just haven't. Don't beat yourself up if what worked for them doesn't work for you - or if you can't even get to giving it a try.

But do give yourself credit for anything that you do try.

Good luck!!
posted by Salamandrous at 4:02 PM on January 8, 2008

I don't think work in just one direction can help, that would be too easy and you must have already tried it. What helps is a three-pronged approach. Since we have a physical mind, an emotional mind and an intellectual mind, a problem with one of them will cause trouble in the other two. If you work on one of them, e.g. by running, it will improve but as soon as you stop, it will go bad again. Therefore, it makes sense to work on all three, so to say, minds, and do something similar to running, or yoga, or stretching, for the physical mind, do something artistic, e.g. painting or playing a guitar, for the emotional mind, and studying math or science to exercise the intellectual mind. As for friends and relationships making the life worth living, that's a bunch of utter nonsense. Majority of people have all sorts of psychoses and annoying quirks, and make things worse for their friends. Therefore it stands to reason that having no friends and relationship is, in fact, a very good thing - something to be cherished. I'm not kidding. It gives you the gift of precious time!
posted by rainy at 7:17 PM on January 8, 2008

I've been depressed many times. Most recently, I've gone through a divorce...and that was quite a whammy. There are a few things that I've found really help to pull myself out of a depression: First off, accept that you are depressed and that you have a good reason for it. It's not the end of the world, and it WILL be finite. Next, try and do one thing a day that's good for you - no, you don't need to enter a marathon - but get a good multivitamin, some B-complex vitamins, and Fish Oil (fish oil really helps my cognition) and try to take them once a day. Try and eat a piece of fruit every day, and keep a clean glass by your sink and drink a glass of water whenever you walk by it. If you fail to do this every day, don't beat yourself up, just try. After about a week of this, you might find that you don't feel cruddy every second. Use the good times of your day (be they seconds, minutes or hours) to clean up something in your place that bugs you - or fix up something that can be made nicer. If the day is nice, maybe take a walk. Don't try and think your way out of a depression - the only way I've found to get out of it is by doing something. But, whatever you do, don't trash yourself for failing to do something - just congratulate yourself when you do. Hell, you're depressed! If you wash the dishes, it's a big deal! It takes a while, but eventually you will be hydrated, clean and well exercised and ready to talk to the therapist. Remember - it WON'T LAST FOREVER!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:28 PM on January 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Please, whatever you do, get out of the damn house.
posted by bobber at 7:58 PM on January 8, 2008

Just wanted to add that someone who writes as clearly and movingly as you obviously has something going for him - you sound like the kind of guy I'd want to be friends with, and I bet others feel the same. The hard part is finding them, but the first step is to get out there and, well, not so much look for friends as to be available and open to potential friendships as they come along. It's a truism that you find love when you're not actually looking for it, and I can vouch for that. Same goes for friendship. Best of luck!

You can contact me too if you want - I don't want you to die alone either.
posted by Quietgal at 9:14 PM on January 8, 2008

I struggled with major depression my entire adult life and starting to exercise (in my case running) was the single biggest step I took that helped me. I had no idea what people meant about exercise being a treatment for depression until I did it. The very first time I ran I said, "Oh -- that's what they were talking about." Adrenaline!

I joined a running class of sorts for beginners, which starts with 1 minute of running and two minutes of walking for about 30 minutes total. Run three times a week. The second week do one minute of running to one of walking. In the weeks following just increase the minutes of running by one, leaving the minute of walking constant. In 10 weeks you will be able to run 10 minutes/walk one minute three times, and that's a 5k right there at most people's pace. And let me tell you, 5ks are the most supportive and friendly and exciting thing in the world. It's almost always for charity, there are lots of beginners and people who've never even trained, even kids and people with dogs or strollers. Lots of people walk, and you can too, if you need to. But when you sprint into the finish line it's the best thing in the world. In fact just writing this got me realizing that I've been off the wagon and I'm going out to run right now.
posted by loiseau at 9:20 PM on January 8, 2008

This is the simplest and easiest suggestion you will ever receive. Watch the movie "3:10 to Juma" (Yuma, Juwo). Whatever it is. Go watch it. Then imagine you are that fellow when you go out next. You'll know who I'm talking about. Then message me to announce great success.
posted by markovich at 6:27 AM on January 9, 2008

Don't expect therapy to change everything. While it can help some, not everyone benefits from therapy (be that the lack of chemistry between you, dear patient, and the therapist, open collared brown hair'd 'expert).

Start by doing. Identify one thing you'd like to do differently, and then attempt it, day by day. You'll have set backs, but if you keep at it eventually you'll make an improvement. When you feel happy, try something else.

An example from my own life; a was terrified of this old borderline octogenarian partner at a place I used to work. Whenever we crossed path, I'd meekly bow my head, and wait for him to pass. One day, a wednesday if I recall, I decide I shouldn't accept defeat so readily. Next time I saw him I made eye contact and smile. He just frowned at me, and walked off. I think I heard his cuff links laughing at my blunder. But the next day I did it again, and his frown was slightly less. A week later, he returned my greeting with a curt 'New lad, Good day'. I kept at it, some days I felt like hiding from him whenever I was doing errands in his corner of the officer such was his taciturnity. Eventually, after weeks and weeks he stopped by my cubby and asked if I'd like to get some coffee for him. I thought huzzah Blue, I'm doing the work of his only slightly younger secretary. He took one sip of the coffee, and set it down on a sideboard, his disgust fairly obvious. Close to the end of the year he stopped by my desk, looking slightly out of character in his christmas v-neck. He praised my work this year, and invited me, and me only out of all the low level office drones, to attend his annual cream of the crop cocktail party.

So.

In conclusion, elderly partners are like angry fearsome bears. If you show weakness they'll tear you apart with their fob chains and antique letter openers, but if you make the effort to rise to the occasion before too long you'll be sharing 15 year old scotch and ribald tales about various Justices with someone called Major.
posted by oxford blue at 2:19 AM on January 11, 2008