Getting married... but am I missing something?

November 11, 2007 2:07 PM

What kind of things do we need to do before the wedding day?

I'm getting married in about five months. Both of us are very happy, and the wedding plans are going smoothly and almost finished. As we get prepared for our life together, we're just trying to make sure we have all our ducks in a row, and I think we do.

The question, then: is there anything that we should do or need to do before we tie the knot that may not be obvious at first thought? We haven't read any wedding books and we haven't done our counseling yet, so we're basically just getting all of our information from parents and friends.

So, AskMeFi... anything you think I should do and/or know before getting married? Thanks!

(P.S. I would list all the things we have already done, but it would be a long list. I'll be keeping an eye on the chatter, so feel free to ask away about what we've already accomplished.)

posted by joshrholloway to human relations (24 comments total)

Do not read any books or magazines. All of them will include lists of things you "have to" to (read: buy!), but in reality, if you "had to" do them, you would have remembered them already.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:17 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Write out checks to any vendors who will need to be paid the day of the wedding (like the caterer). Hand checks to some responsible friend, who will in turn give the checks to the vendors. You don't want to be fiddling with that on the wedding day.
posted by rtha at 2:25 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

According to a guy I used to work with, you need to go see a prostitute ASAP, because once you are married it is like a ball and chain, no more freedom for you, this is your last chance to sow those oats, buddy.

I nodded politely, and promised to remember his suggestion of who to go and see for those services, but really that advice wasn't quite what I was looking for at that moment. Your question here is so general that I wonder if any advice given might be just as inappropriate. I mean, are you asking for what to do to make the wedding go more smoothly, or are you concerned about the marriage?
posted by Forktine at 2:36 PM on November 11, 2007

Reserve place(s) for the big day: place for ceremony, place for reception, place for that night, places for out-of-town-guests if you are choosing to help them with that (which you need not). For each place, know what hours you have the place for, and what exactly they provide vs. what you provide. For example do you need to bring your own music system? do they have restrictions on what's allowed? etc

Hire people for the big day: officiant, food provider, cake provider, music provider, photographer, florist, hair and makeup people (all optional except officiant). Be clear with them about your expectations and what the fees are.

In budgeting, include tips.

Doublecheck your area's requirements re: getting a marriage certificate and who can officiate etc.

Honeymoon plans if applicable.
Wedding registry if you want.
Pick your wedding clothes.
Decide if you will be offering people take-home knickknacks, and how you're going to get those.
Decide what you're doing about invitations (getting them, addressing them, when you're sending them, if you're going to send out a save-the-date announcement well ahead of time).

Coordinate with people who will play some role in the wedding: pick bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc, pick their clothes if you are doing that, think about what your expectations and their expectations are for their participation on the big day and before.

Delegate as much as possible about the actual day. Eg, you should not be picking people up from the airport yourself. You should not be finding people rides to the reception yourself. You should not be frantically finishing up handmade goody-bags. On that day you will have your hands full so it's good to assign helpful friends/relatives specific tasks ahead of time.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:47 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I always thought it was a great idea to have nice naked pictures taken, alone or together, to have as you get older and funnier-looking.

Research life insurance, especially if one of you will be making significantly less than the other (but it is important nonetheless).

If one or both of you has always wanted to go somewhere, go--alone. It'll be a lot of fun and a good way to enjoy being by yourself. You'll end up missing the heck out of your future spouse and really enjoying your reunion. (This is good after you're married, too).

Thank your future spouse for being the love of your life and wash the dishes when it's not your turn.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:51 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Talk about and answer these types of questions:

Do you want kids? If so, how will they be raised?

Will there be a joint account? Who handles finances? Who gets paid and when and how does that impact the paying of bills?

Who's inlaws are the difficult ones? How will they be handled? What sort of traditions does each family have?

Either one of you have any hidden surprises, a previous marriage? unknown debt? STD? some mental or physical disease?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:59 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

have fun with the time leading up to your wedding. it will be hectic and rushed basically until it's over, so don't forget to appreciate what's happening, take some quiet time out (alone and together) and enjoy yourself amid the chaos.
posted by lgyre at 3:01 PM on November 11, 2007

Check with your employer(s) for benefits information and what they do/do not need to get your benefits shared.

Marriage is a qualifying event so you'll be able to add each other as dependents for most if not all company provided benefits.

You'll also want to update any insurance policies you have and possibly talk to a tax accountant for any implications to your financial set up/etc.

Set up a weekend or a date close to the wedding to get out of town, leave someone else in charge and go enjoy yourselves. Weddings can get more stressful as you approach the date and we found it helpful to take a step back and treat ourselves to a massage and spend a night or two away not worrying about the wedding and enjoying some time together.

Finally, write up a list of everything, vendors, guests, contact information for everyone, contract numbers, paid/unpaid status, vows, schedule for the ceremony, make 4 copies, and give them to designated friends/parents/coordinators for the day of the event and then...just let everything go. In fact do this a 2 days to a week before the wedding and let whomever your designated go to person is handle it from there unless checks need to be written/etc. Your job at this point is to enjoy the wedding.
posted by iamabot at 3:03 PM on November 11, 2007

Day of the wedding - put someone in charge of taking care of the presents that people will bring to reception. They may need a minivan or stationwagon. They should also have some scotch tape available to make sure that the cards stay with their gifts.
posted by metahawk at 4:47 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Post-wedding you may need to change the beneficiary for your IRA or 401(k).
posted by metahawk at 4:49 PM on November 11, 2007

According to a guy I used to work with, you need to go see a prostitute ASAP

No. What you need to do is have hot, filthy premarital sex while you still can. (Mind you, you'll be having hot, filthy marital sex the next night, but it just isn't the same.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:09 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Check out what you need to do about your marriage license. My sister and I both got married in our state (Wisconsin), but in her county she just needed to shell out $20 when the justice of the peace came to marry her. In my county I had to pony up $100 and both my husband and I had to in person ten days before the wedding. I had to take a day off of work. So check and see what the rules are in your county.
posted by christinetheslp at 5:15 PM on November 11, 2007

Make sure someone has a kit of sewing implements, safety pins, duct tape, etc on the day of the wedding. My groom's button on his jacket came off as he was standing at the end of the aisle waiting to walk up to the altar. We only had straight pins.
posted by chiababe at 5:21 PM on November 11, 2007

I just got married and our day went incredibly smoothly.

The best advice I can give probably comes to late: only hire vendors who are going to act professionally. Everyone we hired--our DJ, our Flower People, our Photographer, our space coordinator, our Officiant--were all carefully screened to be people we believed in and trusted.

Furthermore, I made a spreadsheet for the day-of that broke down into 15 minute increments where everyone needed to be and what they should be doing. There was a columns for: Bride, Groom, Bride's Parents, Groom's Parents, Groomsmen, Bridesmaids, Photographer, Officiant, Guests, Space Coordinater/Staff, DJ, etc. It had when people needed to be getting make-up, when they needed to be getting their picture taken, when deliveries were expected, what music needed to be played at what times, what guests were doing (drinking, milling about, sitting and watching, eating, dancing, etc). Give a copy to everyone before the wedding so that you are all on the same page.

Make sure you have everything ready to go a few days in advance. Make sure all your groomsmen have tried on their shit to make sure it fits. Make sure you try on YOUR shit a few days before in case you need to make last minute changes.

Make a list of what is and isn't acceptable for your DJ. Take his microphone away from him the day of and give it to someone you trust. Make sure you do a sound check before the ceremony.

Print programs so everyone knows who is doing what.

Have a couple of back-up friends who aren't bridesmaids or groomsmen on call for random shit that comes up.

Buy a bottle of Wine-Out which you can find at most wine shops. This stuff works the best of any wine-removal products, but it has to be applied very quickly. So have a bottle on hand because someone's expensive dress will get red wine on it. At my wedding I spilled red wine all down my wife's back. This was a lesson learned the hard way. It's only $10 a bottle and might save you thousands.
posted by jeffamaphone at 5:25 PM on November 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also, don't let go of each other during the reception. Stay together. Don't wander off with your friends. Trust me on this.
posted by jeffamaphone at 5:27 PM on November 11, 2007

For the love of God, discuss your expectations for the night of the wedding and the honeymoon. We were smart enough to know we'd be way too tired to have sex that night; we successfully avoided a disaster a few friends didn't sidestep. Instead, several stepped into the bathroom to cry, and that is not a great memory of your wedding.

Also check your honeymoon expectations along the same lines!
posted by DarlingBri at 6:56 PM on November 11, 2007

I went out and got my nipple pierced. I did it to remind myself of the uncontrollable side of me that would always be there.

It was also really cool.
I have a great photo from the end of the wedding reception- it shows my wife's reaction at seeing it.

Seriously? Don't drink. Don't get into a fight. Have everything done the night BEFORE the night before.

(For the record, I also went to the Seventh Veil strip club and saw the Bobcat Goldthwait film, "Shakes The Clown". I took some pics of myself shirtless with the ring in and left them over the visor of my mom's car. On the third day of our honeymoon, I told her to look for them. On the sixth day, she said she found them. on the ninth day, she called me and screamed about what I had hanging from my nipple...good fun.)
posted by flowerofhighrank at 7:17 PM on November 11, 2007

Still trying to parse the phrase "too tired to have sex"... but, I'd say don't sweat the wedding unless you feel like it has to be perfect. What you should concentrate on are clarifying the assumptions that you are bringing into the marriage, especially if you come from different religious/cultural backgrounds. Specifically what do you each expect to change when you are married. Pre-marital counseling is usually great for this, and at least in the case of the Catholic Pre-Cana course my wife and I took covered a lot of ground. Not just spiritual and procreative (which I assumed would be the focus), but financial, etc...
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:17 PM on November 11, 2007

If you don't have a coordinator that you're paying for day-of-wedding work, by all means designate someone (and by "someone", I mean someone you trust, who is NOT already a groomsman/maid of honor) to be the "go-to" person for when there are questions or things that arise out of nowhere.

Things could pop up at the facility, with the caterer, the bar staff, anything, and it helps those people to know there's one person to seek out to resolve any issues. Find that person, introduce them to your catering captain/bartender/DJ, and let those people know to find that person in case of whatever.

You don't want to spend your wedding dealing with issues, so make have someone else do it.
posted by pdb at 8:54 PM on November 11, 2007

Sounds silly and almost too logical to point out, but the bride should put on all her wedding garb at the same time about a week before the wedding. Do it with jewelry, veil, shoes, and all, not just the dress with the undergarments and shoes like at a fitting . Seeing the whole picture all together will allow her (you?) time to tweak the look if necessary.

Aside from that, just make sure to stop and enjoy the day.
posted by nadise at 10:55 PM on November 11, 2007

Just be yourselves and be SURE you know your fiance as well as you think you do, and that you are completely comfortable with who they are, and vice versa.

Good luck!
posted by Chuck Cheeze at 11:07 PM on November 11, 2007

As far as things you should do that don't involve the actual wedding, if either of you are clutter packrats, get your shit together and clean up as much shit as you can before the wedding. At the very least unpack those boxes from three moves ago. Also, get in shape. Those are the two things I wish I would have done before getting married anyway.
posted by the_W at 4:39 AM on November 12, 2007

Realize that you or your partner might experience post wedding blues. Kind of like after the holiday season is all over and there aren't any occasions coming up. It happened to a friend of mine and she freaked out, thinking she was having second thoughts about the whole deal.

Also, talk about finances, chores, division of labor, and expectations for the future (children, homes, moving). These aren't talks that you'll have once and never again, though. You'll both continue to grow and things that are important now won't necessarily be important in 15 years, and vice versa.

Congratulations and good luck!
posted by cooker girl at 6:58 AM on November 12, 2007

Make sure you're on the same page financially. If one person tends to rack up debt without thinking about it and the other is a saver, you better start talking about that now. Money is one of the biggest conflict starters in new marriages.
posted by chundo at 9:28 AM on November 12, 2007