So can I have your number?

September 29, 2007 5:30 PM

[Inane and impossible to answer dating question filter] Why don't boys call?

I know I know, there could be so many reasons, but I'll narrow it down for you a bit. Some version of the following has happened to me over and over and it's driving me insane.

Meet boy at bar/party/social gathering (generally friend of a friend of a friend type deal).

We chat, he asks for my number, seems very into me, etc. No plans are made, but we seem to hit it off.

He never calls.

Sometimes there are a few variations. Lately, I've been trying to mix it up. I mean this is 2007, I know a guy shouldn't have to do all the work, so I've tried to show a little interest back to encourage them. This generally entails me messaging them on facebook or emailing them. Always very short, usually along the lines of "bring up something we talked about" and "how is you paper/job/current life crisis going?"

So far I've gotten friendly notes back or no response. The friendly notes back are never followed up by more from him.

When guys go to so much effort (some have been noticeably nervous asking me for my number) why don't they ever follow up?

So I have a few theories:

1) Boys just ask girls for numbers if they think they can get them and then decide later whether they are really interested.

2) They were all drinking and in the sober light of day I wasn't quite so awesome.

3) Boys are basically being polite in asking for a girl's number after they have talked/flirted with her for enough time, even if they have no intention of calling.

4) Calling girls is hard and guys will only do it if they feel it is really worth it.

So what gives?

posted by whoaali to human relations (71 comments total)

The few times I asked for a girl's number and never called her, I just did it to be polite cause I wasn't interested in taking it further. If I really liked her, I call her back.
posted by PowerCat at 5:37 PM on September 29, 2007

For me, it's a combination of 1 and 4.

When I call a girl for the first time, I basically feel like I'm putting on a performance. Sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to perform. If you want to increase your chances of getting called back, then give the guy a hint that you would be happy to get a call.
posted by mpls2 at 5:44 PM on September 29, 2007

mpls2... she says has given that hint...an email or a facebook message - is that not enough of a hint?
posted by clh at 5:46 PM on September 29, 2007

Okay, upon actually reading your whole question, I think you're doing everything right.
posted by mpls2 at 5:47 PM on September 29, 2007

I am not a boy, but I've had to do this analysis. Trust me, giving this a second of thought is so not worth your time. Someone will think you're the cat's pajamas, and he will call you, pester you, beg you to go out with him. If you like him back, none of this will matter after that point.
posted by desjardins at 5:48 PM on September 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

All of the above. He's just not that into you.
posted by crabintheocean at 5:49 PM on September 29, 2007

All of the above. He's just not that into you.

That's my initial reaction too, but if that's so why follow me around all night, awkwardly (and sometimes really awkwardly/nervously as in would have been so much easier not to ask for it) ask for my number. Seems like so much time and effort.
posted by whoaali at 5:52 PM on September 29, 2007

If you think it's tough hitting on a strange girl when you're surrounded by friends, in a venue where it's generally considered appropriate, and after a few drinks, imagine how nerve wracking it is to then have a one-one-one conversation over the phone with them, while sober...

Back in my dating days, once or twice I managed to get a phone number and didn't call. In my case it was because, yeah, I was attracted to the woman, but in the cold light of day I figured the odds of her actually being interested in me, and being interesting to me, were pretty slim. Of course, I'm kind of a weirdo, though I don't necessarily seem like it at first, so I tend to have a pretty specific "type" (both that I dig, and that dig me). So the odds of someone I was chatting up at the bar actually being someone who I would gibe with were slim.
posted by Ziggurat at 5:54 PM on September 29, 2007

This generally entails me messaging them on facebook or emailing them.

Wait a minute, how did you get their email address or facebook profile? The situation you described involved him askinf for your number. Could you clarify?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:57 PM on September 29, 2007

Wait a minute, how did you get their email address or facebook profile? The situation you described involved him askinf for your number. Could you clarify?

These are generally guys who are friends of friends. So chances are they are facebook friends with one of my friends or I have been on many group email lists with them (and gmail conveniently saves everyone). Think my friend "Paul"'s best friend from college's roommate type thing.
posted by whoaali at 6:02 PM on September 29, 2007

why follow me around all night, awkwardly (and sometimes really awkwardly/nervously

if they really are this nervous, that might be the issue. alcohol lowers one's inhibitions, and it's entirely possible that a guy who'd normally be too nervous to ask you out could be willing to ask for your number after a few drinks.

then once the liquid nerves-of-steel wears off, and they're back to feeling like their normal awkward/unloveable self, it could be hard to work up the nerve to call the next day. throw in a few neurotic second-guesses (what if she was just drunk? what if she just gave it to me to get me to go away? what if she doesnt remember me?) and presto, no call.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 6:04 PM on September 29, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Also, perhaps you shouldn't be asking for advice from us people who are home on a Saturday night. (please excuse my North/South America-centricity...)
posted by Ziggurat at 6:05 PM on September 29, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

Asking for a number is a simple: it's a closed transaction - a in exchange for b, end of story.
Calling someone up is an open transaction, one which invites possibility and demands responsibility. This isn't so easy to do/ encourages thinking twice. And it's much easier to think twice when you're not in the heat of the moment/ filled with Dutch courage. That's all.

That said, I agree with desjardins - this is information which, whether you have it or not, is of no particular value.
posted by forallmankind at 6:09 PM on September 29, 2007

Boys are weak, insecure and embarrased.

The next day, in a different setting, being sober, they may not want to call. It won't necessarily be because they don't like you. It will because they'll be scared you don't really like them and they think YOU were just being polite by giving them your number. They're afraid they'll call you and you'll say "Who are you?", or your real boyfriend will pick up the phone, or something equally stupid.

Simple solution: Get their number and call them. This is 2007. Problem solved.
posted by Jimbob at 6:11 PM on September 29, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

(By which I mean, exchange numbers. Doubles the chance that one of you is going to call the other.)
posted by Jimbob at 6:16 PM on September 29, 2007

Simple solution: Get their number and call them. This is 2007. Problem solved.

I would love this if it were true, but every time I have ever made any real effort with a guy, it has never worked or to the extent it has worked, guys have just taken it as: I will likely have sex with them. And then when they realize this isn't going to happen after the first date, their interest quickly goes back to zero. Sad but true.

In my experience sitting around and showing no interest has worked the best, which is why I am even hesitant to drop them an email or anything.
posted by whoaali at 6:17 PM on September 29, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I've been that dude; For me, once the liquid courage was absent, I was just too friggin anxious to follow up and make a phone call.
posted by u2604ab at 6:24 PM on September 29, 2007

Is this really a problem? So some guys don't call, it's not like it happens to you all the time right? You've been on several dates in the past year, right?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:25 PM on September 29, 2007

In my experience sitting around and showing no interest has worked the best

...where "the best" is getting some guy to call? No offense, but you're not still with him, so it couldn't have been that great.

Yet, this does have a grain of truth. When I first met my fiance, I made it clear I wasn't intending to rush into anything, I wanted to be friends first, etc. This wasn't calculated on my part; I really didn't want to jump into a relationship. But it had the effect of letting me be myself (since I wasn't thinking in terms of Grand Romance), plus it took the pressure off of him.

Once again, this is the kind of question that even if you had The Answer, it wouldn't make a spitwad of difference. Boys are cowards. They're stupid while drunk. They can't physically dial a phone. So what? Eventually one of them drums up the courage, trains their dog to dial for them, and asks you out. Meanwhile, sitting around thinking you're doing something wrong (or that something is wrong with boys) is a big fucking waste of your time.

Signed,
been there, done that.
posted by desjardins at 6:34 PM on September 29, 2007

In addition to the understandable reasons, there is also the occasional guy skewing things by coming from the other direction - not actually interested in a relationship, only in continually propping up ego by collecting phone numbers - with never any intention of calling. Just being able to obtain them proves to himself (and anyone who will listen) that's he's hot stuff.
These kind of games are not uncommon in women either (though their scorecore isn't usually phone numbers).

On the bright side, by not calling, they're saving you the bother of DTMFA :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 6:36 PM on September 29, 2007

Seriously? Every time you have made an effort with a guy, it blows up in your face?

Find some better guys.

Maybe I live in a very different world than yours. But I was dumbfounded to read that. Most guys I know would be pleased to have a woman make an advance, and I certainly don't think they'd assume that meant she was going to be easy or whatever.

I mean, there's lots of complexity here -- making a move yourself puts you at the same risk for rejection that it does for guys. And of course, some people like the chase, yadda yadda. And there do exist sexist jerks who (wrongly) feel like they won't get that thrill unless they make every. single. move. Stay away from them.
posted by wyzewoman at 6:37 PM on September 29, 2007

I think if you really think the guy you give the number to is awesome, you might want to give them some context to call about. I've gotten peoples numbers before and basically had nothing to say to them beyond "so...do you like...stuff". maybe next time try "give me a call later this week and we can talk about xyz more" or "call me tomorrow and i'll give you that recipe i was talking about".

Context helps the nerves, so there is a purpose to the initial reachout.
posted by softlord at 6:46 PM on September 29, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I second the "context" motion. How about discussing possible mutual interests? With my current gf, on our first time out we talked about what specifically we might like to do next (hypothetically). Hypothetical became actual as we realized we liked the same sorts of things.

With nothing but a phone number and a memory of a pretty face, what does a guy have to go on? What does he ask?
posted by TeatimeGrommit at 6:54 PM on September 29, 2007

Boys are weak, insecure and embarrased.

You might want to try men, then. Speaking personally, if I go to the trouble of building enough rapport to get your number, I will call you. But then, I'm in my 40s (and that's a hypothetical for the last year or so, but I'm just sayin').

And let me ask the obvious male rejoinder: why the heck don't you, call?
posted by fourcheesemac at 6:54 PM on September 29, 2007

Take what Jimbob said, add what softlord said, and you've got my answer.

Plus: I can't tell you how many times I've accidentally (ie, drunkenly) washed off a number that someone scrawled on my hand, or how many slips of paper I've got with numbers and no names. Or, if I've got more than one number at a time, I won't know which is which.

It's just not a very good system, honestly.
posted by Reggie Digest at 7:01 PM on September 29, 2007

Is this really a problem? So some guys don't call, it's not like it happens to you all the time right? You've been on several dates in the past year, right?

I honestly can't remember the last time a guy I met out called. I mean it's happened to me twice in the last month and to be honest I don't get the opportunity to meet a lot of new guys just given my social circle (i.e. law school and yes I would love to meet people outside of law school, but that has proven largely impossible). If this happened now and then I could just blow it off, but it happens so often and consistently I almost don't give guys my numbers because I'm like what's the point.


...where "the best" is getting some guy to call? No offense, but you're not still with him, so it couldn't have been that great.

Once again, this is the kind of question that even if you had The Answer, it wouldn't make a spitwad of difference. Boys are cowards. They're stupid while drunk. They can't physically dial a phone. So what? Eventually one of them drums up the courage, trains their dog to dial for them, and asks you out. Meanwhile, sitting around thinking you're doing something wrong (or that something is wrong with boys) is a big fucking waste of your time.

I mean I have to disagree. I think once you understand something you can sort of mentally divorce yourself from the situation. I mean most of the time I don't care that much, but after awhile you really just start to go wtf is going on here?

And by the way, eventually doesn't come for everyone, don't just assume that because it did for you it will for everyone else.
posted by whoaali at 7:08 PM on September 29, 2007

OK - I'll no doubt get shot down in flames for this, but here goes:

Sometimes I just want to f**k you. I see you, you're incredibly attractive to me, the sentient part of my brain is bypassed, and I just want to get physical with you. I'll talk to you, I'll laugh at your jokes, I'll tell interesting stories, but there's a greater power controlling my actions. This power is thinking about tongues and breasts and sweat and hoo-has, not walks in the park or candlelit dinners or plans we could make tomorrow when I call the numbers you've just given me.

So there's that, too. But that's just one example of the behavior of men, in one particular context: I don't think how men, or people in general, behave is remotely as polarized as desjardins is making out.
posted by forallmankind at 7:14 PM on September 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

As harlequin points out, we know there are at least some men who ask for a woman's number every chance they get. So just on the percentages it stands to reason that these guys account for most of the number-asking incidents, and that most of the times you get asked, it's one of these guys - rather than a sweet shy fellow who is moved to be unusually forward by a special feeling he has just for you. These guys get a few numbers a week, and just don't call all of them.

(Also, if these guys are all in the same extended circle of friends, then over time, more and more of them may be telling their friends "I met this awesome girl whoaall last night and got her number, I'm totally about to call her!" and hearing back "Oh, whoaall - she gives her number to all those graffiti guys.")
posted by nicwolff at 7:19 PM on September 29, 2007

forallmankind - yeah I definitely know some guys fall into that category.

nicwolff - what girls are now sluts for giving their number out too now? dear fucking god. And it is a little more dispersed than that my group(s) of friends, so I don't think I'm the girl that gives her number to just anyone.

But yeah ultimately I think everyone is right, the numbers are pretty against me and the whole situation just isn't that conducive to the guy calling.
posted by whoaali at 7:29 PM on September 29, 2007

Thoughts:

You're giving off a "she's crazy vibe" I got a sense of that on first reading your post, it sounds overdramatic and immature. That may not go over well with guy lawyer types.

or

You're not being clear enough. You say "No plans are made, but we seem to hit it off." Well, make some plans to grab some coffee.

or

since this is a seemingly wide social circle, you have some reputation and once they ask the friend of the friend about you, they're turned off.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:45 PM on September 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

well, since you're not getting anywhere by giving your number, try not giving your number. if a guy's serious, it shouldn't put him off; he may redouble his efforts.
posted by londongeezer at 7:52 PM on September 29, 2007

A couple of other reasons that have gone through my mind when I've been the guy who hasn't called.

I'm infatuated with the girl, and I want to call her straight away. But no, I can't do that, I can't call her the next day, she'll think I'm desparate, a pest. So I'll wait a few days.

I wait a few days and I think, oh shit, what if it's too late? She was probably expecting me to call by now! She'll be angry at me, think I'm an arrogant prick! Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea.

The solution to this is to tell them WHEN to call. Say "Call me tomorrow night" or "Call me Tuesday". It might let the guys know you will be expecting them to call.
posted by Jimbob at 7:57 PM on September 29, 2007

the numbers are pretty against me and the whole situation just isn't that conducive to the guy calling

wow - I gotta say, that's a bit of shitty attitude. There's 30+ attempts at trying to help you here, and it sounds like you're writing it off as the world's just ganging up against you....
posted by forallmankind at 8:01 PM on September 29, 2007

The right guy is the guy who DOES call, so quit worrying, it's not you. Boys is idiots.
posted by Camofrog at 8:12 PM on September 29, 2007

Thoughts:

You're giving off a "she's crazy vibe" I got a sense of that on first reading your post, it sounds overdramatic and immature. That may not go over well with guy lawyer types.

or

You're not being clear enough. You say "No plans are made, but we seem to hit it off." Well, make some plans to grab some coffee.

or

since this is a seemingly wide social circle, you have some reputation and once they ask the friend of the friend about you, they're turned off.

First off, I don't actually plan on forwarding this link to all my potential dates and let's not extrapolate every feeling of insecurity as being a dominate personality trait.

Second, I'm not very specific because this is a trend, obviously every time is different in some way.

And, lastly, while I cannot conclusively know for a fact all my friends don't secretly hate me, it seems unlikely and also a lot of these guy are so tangently connected to someone I know I highly doubt they could find out much more about me other than uh she knows whatshername they had class together.
posted by whoaali at 8:14 PM on September 29, 2007

I second don't give out your number. Totally ancedotal, but I've met a number of couples where the guy had to go to extraordinary lengths to get the woman's phone number. I think the pursuit of it cemented his interest. So be your awesome self, but make no push and see what happens.
posted by zia at 8:23 PM on September 29, 2007

the numbers are pretty against me and the whole situation just isn't that conducive to the guy calling

wow - I gotta say, that's a bit of shitty attitude. There's 30+ attempts at trying to help you here, and it sounds like you're writing it off as the world's just ganging up against you....

Didn't mean to come off negative, I think most people confirmed what I already knew. The advice about trying to get more definite plans is definitely useful. I don't think the world is against me at all, I understand why it would be hard for guys to call. I don't really see why that is having a "shitty attitude".
posted by whoaali at 8:29 PM on September 29, 2007

For me it's mostly #1.
posted by special-k at 8:37 PM on September 29, 2007

Boys are weak, insecure and embarrased.

You might want to try men, then.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 'Boys' sounds inane, and the women I know who use it to refer to dateable [sic?] men sound like they're desperately clinging to high school.

Men don't call you back? Find other men. Pretty straightforward. You want to be happy in life, when shit goes wrong, get better (at whatever). You can't change them, change your behaviour. Be more aggressive, more interesting, more something-or-other. Or else find men in places other than bars.

Simple solution: Get their number and call them. This is 2007. Problem solved.

I would love this if it were true, but every time I have ever made any real effort with a guy, it has never worked or to the extent it has worked, guys have just taken it as: I will likely have sex with them. And then when they realize this isn't going to happen after the first date, their interest quickly goes back to zero. Sad but true.

You need better taste in men, kid.
posted by waxbanks at 9:04 PM on September 29, 2007

Sometimes I just want to f**k you.

True 'dat. What he said.

forallmankind - yeah I definitely know some guys fall into that category.

You're not getting the point.

ALL guys fall into this category at one time or another, some more than others, and ALL at higher rates than you think.

Sometimes, the very act of "getting your number" is merely an attempt to extend the current conversation, to the point where I might get to bone you tonight.

Stop overthinking this.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:23 PM on September 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I really hate semantics games. I mean some people actually think they matter, I don't.

And dear god there is nothing more pretentious than using [sic] is casual conversation.
posted by whoaali at 9:25 PM on September 29, 2007

After all that, Jimbob took the words right out of my fingers.
posted by rhizome at 9:35 PM on September 29, 2007

And dear god there is nothing more pretentious than using [sic] is casual conversation.

But making a typo while using (sic) turns it all into a thing of beauty.

Really, you are a) overthinking this; b) giving off vibes in your posts here that if you did the same in person would be like writing "DON'T CALL ME PLEASE" in red magic marker on your forehead; and c) seem to be either attracted to the wrong kind of guys, or you aren't holding up your end of the deal. By that last I mean, even if you are playing the Rules game of don't-call-him-he'll-call-you and all that, there are a bunch of things you are supposed to do to indicate interest and attraction. Maybe you aren't doing those things, or maybe you are just finding guys who are fundamentally not all that into you.

I think you should either start looking for guys who have the confidence to like it when a woman calls them up, or learn to play the game in a way that works for the guys who like the Rules-style behavior. I'm 100% in favor of the direct approach -- if you think he's cute, and he isn't obviously gay or married, ask him out for coffee or drinks or something. But I know that lots of men aren't so comfortable with that kind of direct approach, and if those are the kinds of guys you are meeting, you need to meet them halfway.

And I'll second everything that desjardines has written above.
posted by Forktine at 9:40 PM on September 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

[not calling]
posted by forallmankind at 9:41 PM on September 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

And dear god there is nothing more pretentious than using [sic] is casual conversation.

But making a typo while using (sic) turns it all into a thing of beauty.

Ahhh... Would you believe me if I said I was trying to be ironic? I actually had to read that three times before I knew what you were talking about, but anyway.

Also, I put in the question that I try to send an email or something to let them know I'm interested. I don't really see how that is Rules type game playing.
posted by whoaali at 9:54 PM on September 29, 2007

Or you could, you know, get their number. Just ignore the sounds of the entire social order crashing to pieces, of course.
posted by oxford blue at 10:19 PM on September 29, 2007

Some people find law school very stressful. Could this play a part - maybe you are giving your number to people who feel conflicted about dating/pursuing relationships while they're freaked out about other job/school things? Maybe give your number to guys who are not law students and see how it goes, just as an experiment.

Also, try asking the guy why he wants your number (in a friendly, not defensive way) the next time you get asked. This could naturally lead to setting up a time to meet up for some future activity then and there without having to wait for email/facebook/phone call, or it could reveal that he's not into you that way.
posted by PY at 10:49 PM on September 29, 2007

PY - Yeah I think you are right, large amounts of stress and busy schedules are not exactly great when trying to meet people.

I think asking is a good idea, might pay off to be a little more discriminating about when I give my number out (even if I like the guy) I might be able to gauge whether they will call and whether I should even bother.
posted by whoaali at 11:05 PM on September 29, 2007

I think PY's on to something. You could also try razzing them a bit -- "Okay, here's my number, but if you don't actually call me I'm going to warn all my female friends about you."
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:23 PM on September 29, 2007

Personally, I give out my email/msn address. And say 'I'm online all the time, ping me, so we can chat, what's yours?'. It's easy. It's nonthreatening. It's got the advantage of being a lot more mnemonic than a string of numbers. It's worked reasonably well for me, at least for making friends. For picking up? Well, I'm married, but have been the recipient of wistful comments to the effect of '... well, if you weren't ...', so I'd say it'd work for dating also.

I don't swap numbers, pretty much. I really hate phonecalls. Only friends and business associates get my phone number; I don't like talking on the phone to someone who is essentially a stranger.
posted by ysabet at 12:05 AM on September 30, 2007

I think that sometimes when we have strong feelings about ourself, we tend to see things as usually having to do something with us.

Calling girls is hard and guys will only do it if they feel it is really worth it.

sorta. Notice that all of your options posit that he didn't find you attractive. If he asks for you number, he is interested.

Its not easy to ask for a number, even for the most self-assured guy. It would hurt to be roughly rejected and everyone knows it. You know guys tell you its no problem? It is a tough part of being a guy, no matter how cool you are.

This means that the more you are able to communicate that you like a guy, the better. Treat the nos and never-calls as having about 99% to do with them and 01% to do with you. Because that's the way it really is.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:07 AM on September 30, 2007

every time I have ever made any real effort with a guy, it has never worked or to the extent it has worked, guys have just taken it as: I will likely have sex with them. And then when they realize this isn't going to happen after the first date, their interest quickly goes back to zero. Sad but true.

In my experience sitting around and showing no interest has worked the best, which is why I am even hesitant to drop them an email or anything.

I think you need to rethink your strategy and quit overthinking this whole phone thing.

Sometimes guys just get busy. You're not going to set yourself up in your mind as "The One" because you had some drinks the other night. And yeah, sometimes they really just want to sleep with you tonight and then they get home and two days later, well, eh, law school is hard, they're busy. Or whatever.

I like trading e-mail addresses, too, by the way.

I think you are probably just really far too pessimistic about this whole thing and/or having the wrong expectations of "guys you met at the bar", because, well. People aren't generally looking for the loves of their lives there.
posted by blacklite at 1:15 AM on September 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Boys are awkward and sometimes go through the motions but then stop dead at that point. Fear, self-esteem, lack of experience are all factors that are involved here. Boys do a lot of stupid things that make no sense. Don't try to attach logic to it.

Girls are always much less socially awkward than the average guy so take that into account. It's just the way we are raised to be more independent and self reliant. If you are interested, do not leave it up to the guy to make the moves. Basically your first three assumptions are most likely way off target.

There is a thread on a popular forum that some might know as SA about how guys mess up opportunities with girls when meeting them because of their social awkwardness. There are several hundred painful stories about missed signals and total ineptitude among other things. Any guy who reads these will be reminded of the horror stories of their inexperienced youth. Girls tend to misinterpret a guy's ineptitude as disinterest or even dislike.
posted by JJ86 at 5:38 AM on September 30, 2007

Yes, you are overthinking this. Yes, if they don't call or if they don't respond to your advances they aren't that into you and it's for the best. Yes, all 4 of the possibilities you mentioned may play a role.

Apart from having some contact info, getting a woman's phone number is largely meaningless these days. It hardly means anyone is going to act on it. In many of the scenarios you've described, people are ultimately flirting for flirting's sake, or just trying to get laid (that night).

Sometimes people ask for your number, simply to see what your response is. The way you give them your number is what they're looking for, not necessarily the number itself. Basically they're looking for the green light.
posted by drpynchon at 7:12 AM on September 30, 2007

So to sum up, here is what I have gathered so far:

It isn't me.

Oh wait it is me.

I'm doing everything wrong.

No, no I'm doing everything right.

Why do you care?

Still definitely me.

It sucks to be a boy, feel their pain.

You suck for caring.

If he was the right guy he would call.

Don't call them boys and you don't deserve to have boys call for calling them that.

I can't spell and/or edit.

The right guy would call, thereby you are picking the wrong guys and you should suck less and pick the right guys.

They are just trying to get laid.

It's the vibes, your crazy crazy girl vibes.

I'm just a number giving whore.

Seriously, they are just trying to get laid.

Stuff happens. Stop thinking. Thinking hurts.

Well, Mefis I think we really cleared up that mystery, but seriously thanks for everyone's input and indulging my neurotic side.
posted by whoaali at 10:13 AM on September 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

You're going to make a great lawyer.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2007

Be happy.

My advice it to assume someone will never call because in my experience it is unlikey that they will....regardless of how awesome you are. You should only want to spend time with people that like you enough to put up some effort. And also, do not get your self-worth out of the empty numbers game that the world of dating is.
posted by janelikes at 11:13 AM on September 30, 2007

Well, Mefis I think we really cleared up that mystery, but seriously thanks for everyone's input and indulging my neurotic side.

You're welcome. And I'll call you tomorrow, promise.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:11 PM on September 30, 2007

You're welcome. And I'll call you tomorrow, promise.

Whatever, it's not like I care or something.
posted by whoaali at 3:13 PM on September 30, 2007

Hey, you opened the jar.

I like the part where you display happiness with the suggestions.
posted by oxford blue at 6:27 PM on September 30, 2007

Roger's just trying to sleep with you. I understand you! You should sleep with me.
posted by blacklite at 7:20 PM on September 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Don't call them boys and you don't deserve to have boys call for calling them that.


I didn't say the second part of that. And I didn't even say "don't call them boys." I said, try finding men. Not the same thing, and I debate the "hell of a laywer" implication espoused above if you can't see that.

Chicks (I'm being ironic, you know, like [sic]) like you are the reason men -- and presumably boys -- find women impossible to understand, and perhaps don't call when they say they will. You aren't at all clear about what you want. That is not usually the case for the male of the species.

And you know, intense insecurity is a turnoff.
posted by fourcheesemac at 12:36 AM on October 1, 2007

I call perhaps one in three numbers I obtain from women.

There are several motivations for this. Occasionally, it's because she is "target practice." This is the worst-case scenario. In this situation, he's not terribly interested but he's flirting for the hell of it or to get his confidence up and has no actual intention of ever calling. This actually happens very rarely, as most guys won't ask if they're not interested. This is not your problem.

Sometimes it's because something better came along. If I get three or four numbers in a night, often I'll only call the girl I was most interested in. Even if nothing better came along and I was interested in you, sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's worth the effort. In a club/party scene, or among people who otherwise have a lot of opportunity women can be commodotized quite easily, and there is little motivation to call one who you didn't particularly click with. This is the most common scenario. In this case, you're probably not doing anything wrong. You just didn't establish a strong enough connection or someone else did. Another sub-scenario of this category relates to the girl not showing that much interest. Sometimes I'll think a girl is very attractive but when I talk to her, she doesn't seem that into me. I might get her number and never call. Six weeks later I find out from a mutual friend that she was disappointed because she was really into me. This happens a lot. It sounds like you're making efforts to encourage the guys, though, so this probably isn't your problem, although I'll add the caveat that when I'm trying to set my female friends up a lot, I find myself saying "Why aren't you flirting with him?" and she'll say something like "I am! I smiled at him!" or "I told him I really thought he was nice!" and I just groan, because these events in and of themselves have zero impact on our assessment of the situation. Everyone smiles when you're talking to them, unless they're an asshole, and telling a guy you think he's nice puts him into instant friend-zone, for instance. There are other events, but the point is: get some guy friends to judge whether or not you're being clear enough with your signals.

The most common reason I don't call a girl that I AM into and I think is into me is that I forget. No really. This may be a problem unique to me, but I'm very busy and I get numbers all the time and I'll brag to my friends for a week about the hottie whose number I obtained and then realize that I never actually called it. By then it seems like too much time has gone by and I'll look like a douche if I call out of the blue, so I often forget it and move on to the next one. This is another "it's not you" scenario.

And then sometimes I lose a number. I have a funny story about the last one that I lost and a funnier story about the last girl who lost my number, but this post is too long as it is.

Just keep in mind that for the most part if guys are getting your number they're into you, and good luck finding the right man!
posted by MaxK at 1:46 AM on October 1, 2007

Oh -- and some guys are just really shy. They're probably nice enough, but do you really want a man who can't take action for what he wants? Probably better that they didn't waste your time. These guys actually tend to be very awesome guys, but good luck getting them to call. If you're meeting guys at nerdy events then (A) you'll probably have to "be the man" and make contact happen and (B) where's the next party and can I bring a friend?
posted by MaxK at 1:52 AM on October 1, 2007

I didn't say the second part of that. And I didn't even say "don't call them boys." I said, try finding men. Not the same thing, and I debate the "hell of a laywer" implication espoused above if you can't see that.

Chicks (I'm being ironic, you know, like [sic]) like you are the reason men -- and presumably boys -- find women impossible to understand, and perhaps don't call when they say they will. You aren't at all clear about what you want. That is not usually the case for the male of the species.

And you know, intense insecurity is a turnoff.

So is arrogance. And I was actually referring to waxbanks comment.

So now I'm going to be a bad lawyer too? I really don't get where this intense animosity towards me is coming from. I mean god forbid I actually acknowledge my insecurities, I guess I should endlessly pretend like I don't give a damn, but you know I actually do give a damn about my life and the people in it and I'm not going to eternally play it cool, because some people mistake that for real confidence.

And how am I not clear about what I want?

And really the semantics thing is just ridiculous. Don't date boys, you need a man. Oh please. Let's all not take ourselves so damn seriously.
posted by whoaali at 5:38 AM on October 1, 2007

FWIW, it's very common for a guy to get a girl's number, call her, and the girl not answer the call nor even respond to voice mails. This is called a "flake". I hadn't really thought about it, but I suppose it's the same thing when the guy doesn't call the girl.

The way to cut down on flakes is to make definite plans before parting. Getting/giving the phone number is inconsequential -- *why* did you get/give the number? Did you want to get a cup of coffee on Tuesday? A wine tasting next weekend? Throw a frisbee in the park tomorrow? Party this Friday?

Lots of guys see "getting her digits" as the goal in and of itself. It validates their manhood. High fives with my buds; I got that hottie's digits!! Much easier to just pocket that validation, that social victory, than to call her up and risk rejection, social failure.
posted by LordSludge at 11:30 AM on October 1, 2007

Lots of guys see "getting her digits" as the goal in and of itself. It validates their manhood. High fives with my buds; I got that hottie's digits!! Much easier to just pocket that validation, that social victory, than to call her up and risk rejection, social failure.

Really? Just getting her number, I mean I would get it if you actually in some way physically touched the hot chick, but her number. I mean it could just be a fake or she could be trying to get you to join Amway.

Occasionally, it's because she is "target practice."

That sounds like something out of a bad movie with Sean William Scott or something. Really guys over the age of 22 engage in this kind of crap? Does it ever actually get results?
posted by whoaali at 2:03 PM on October 1, 2007

That sounds like something out of a bad movie with Sean William Scott or something. Really guys over the age of 22 engage in this kind of crap? Does it ever actually get results?

Everyone's gotta start somewhere, but as I said that is NOT your problem.

Also, I understand the whole human-wanting-to-feel-connection thing but I'm going to have to n^th the whole you-care-too-much sentiment. Just be who you are, don't worry about it, and maybe not every guy will call but the right guy will call.

Best of luck.
posted by MaxK at 2:55 PM on October 1, 2007

I'm going to put forth an alternate scenario here...

Speaking as someone who doesn't really like talking on the phone, if a successful phone call is the prerequisite for a date, the chances of that date happening are nil. I hear this a lot these days. Poeple are becoming very love/hate about using the phone as a method of communication.

I blame technology. If you get through the voicemail-phonetag-screening gauntlet, you have to deal with people answering phones when they shouldn't. cell phones make this way too easy. Nothing sucks more than when you're trying to revive a previous night's flirtation with someone who's on the other line, or doing dishes. Before cell phones, people were much more likely to make these types of calls during a certain window. I.e. at home, near a phone, in the evening. Nowadays, it could come at any time. If you do get through, and it is a good time, you still have to deal with poor reception, dropped calls, and lousy digital compression that strip all the tone out of the conversation. It's getting harder and harder to really hear the person on the other end of the line. I hate talking on the phone these days, it seems like achore. This hasn't always been the case. My favorite part of meeting someone new used to be those great late-night phone conversations that happened when you really clickedwith someone. Nowadays, it never happens. If we don't hit it off in person, we don't hit it off.

I always ask for an email address along with the digits. My preferred method of communication is email, then text message, and phone call if I absolutely have to. Mostly I just try to ask for that first date in person. If the phone call is a dealbreaker, as it tends to still be with a some women, then we aint going out. If I sense beforehand that the phonecall is a dealbreaker. I simply don't call.

Some people still LOVE talking on the phone, and seem to power through.My guess is you're not meeting those guys. Some people still think fax machines are useful. I hate those people.
posted by billyfleetwood at 5:07 PM on October 1, 2007

MaxK - Well, yes of course it isn't my problem. I don't know how you got the idea I thought it was. I just think it's utterly ridiculous.

And honestly the only time I care that much, is when I meet someone I really like and think it's mutual and then I can't explain why they didn't call. And that doesn't happen more than once every couple of months, at the most.

billyfleetwood - Yeah I have to agree, I hate talking on the phone, which is why I generally try to email/message if possible. I feel like it is a little less pressure and a lot more practical given everyone's schedule.
posted by whoaali at 5:24 PM on October 1, 2007

Really? Just getting her number, I mean I would get it if you actually in some way physically touched the hot chick, but her number. I mean it could just be a fake or she could be trying to get you to join Amway.

Yeah, really. I agree, doesn't make a lot of sense, unless you think of it as a little self-esteem booster for the guy in question. It's kinda like when a girl flirts with a guy she has no intention of dating, just to get a response from him and pocket a little social validation. Guys often get numbers just to see if they can. Happens all the time.

Don't sweat it; it's not just you.

And I can smell an Amway pitch a mile away...: "You ever thought of owning your own business?"
posted by LordSludge at 7:33 AM on October 2, 2007