How can I get over a promiscuous event in my girlfriend's past involving someone I dislike?
September 19, 2007 7:19 PM Subscribe
How can I get over a promiscuous event in my girlfriend's past involving someone I dislike?
I've known that my girlfriend was pretty sexually adventurous and active before we started dating, but recently, I've found out that, before we started dating, she's had a threesome involving a guy I find despicable. She still runs into this guy from time to time. It was funny in Office Space when Peter thought his girlfriend had had sex with Lumbergh, but when it happens to me? Not so much.
I feel less crushed about this than when I first found out about this, but my mind occasionally wanders back to it, and it eats at me. I know that logically, I shouldn't be bothered by this. I've reasoned with myself many times that it doesn't matter because it was in the past, and now she's with me. That helps but not completely.
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special. I also feel foolish for valuing the sex we have now as much as I did. I also feel like that guy got something out of her that I never will, even though I don't even want a threesome that much. It's crazy.
I love this girl, and I don't want to have to think these sorts of thoughts about her. Since I feel slightly less resentful about it now than I did when I first learned about it, I think it's reasonable to assume that as time goes on, it will bother me less and less. However, I'd rather it went by at a faster rate.
Any ideas on how to get over this faster?
I've known that my girlfriend was pretty sexually adventurous and active before we started dating, but recently, I've found out that, before we started dating, she's had a threesome involving a guy I find despicable. She still runs into this guy from time to time. It was funny in Office Space when Peter thought his girlfriend had had sex with Lumbergh, but when it happens to me? Not so much.
I feel less crushed about this than when I first found out about this, but my mind occasionally wanders back to it, and it eats at me. I know that logically, I shouldn't be bothered by this. I've reasoned with myself many times that it doesn't matter because it was in the past, and now she's with me. That helps but not completely.
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special. I also feel foolish for valuing the sex we have now as much as I did. I also feel like that guy got something out of her that I never will, even though I don't even want a threesome that much. It's crazy.
I love this girl, and I don't want to have to think these sorts of thoughts about her. Since I feel slightly less resentful about it now than I did when I first learned about it, I think it's reasonable to assume that as time goes on, it will bother me less and less. However, I'd rather it went by at a faster rate.
Any ideas on how to get over this faster?
Grudge fuck.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:33 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:33 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]
Play the DVD again and fast forward to the scene of Peter and Joanna's argument in the car about Lumbergh. Take everything Joanna says to heart. Get over it.
posted by randomstriker at 7:49 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by randomstriker at 7:49 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
I wish your girlfriend never told you of her past escapades. But she did, and what's done is done.
I lost my virginity to a person that my husband finds despicable. They went to highschool together. We got to talking about this person one day. My husband basically commented on what a wormy little asshole he was, and that he couldn't stand him. I never mentioned that I had sex with him. My husband is the type of person that doesn't want to know about my past relationships, which is good, because I think this would really disturb him.
My husband is a stand-up guy and always has been. The guy I had my first sexual encounter with was an asshole. I was immature, lost, and lacked self-worth. Maybe your girlfriend did too.
But, maybe she didn't see anything wrong with the sex. Maybe she felt this guy was a decent person. Maybe this is what is eating at you the most. She has nothing to apologize for.
I'm wondering if you and your girlfriend have discussed this particular person that you dislike greatly. I wonder if she thinks this guy is a jerk as well. Or is it just you? If she thinks he's an asshole, at least you can agree on that fact and move on.
posted by LoriFLA at 7:54 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
I lost my virginity to a person that my husband finds despicable. They went to highschool together. We got to talking about this person one day. My husband basically commented on what a wormy little asshole he was, and that he couldn't stand him. I never mentioned that I had sex with him. My husband is the type of person that doesn't want to know about my past relationships, which is good, because I think this would really disturb him.
My husband is a stand-up guy and always has been. The guy I had my first sexual encounter with was an asshole. I was immature, lost, and lacked self-worth. Maybe your girlfriend did too.
But, maybe she didn't see anything wrong with the sex. Maybe she felt this guy was a decent person. Maybe this is what is eating at you the most. She has nothing to apologize for.
I'm wondering if you and your girlfriend have discussed this particular person that you dislike greatly. I wonder if she thinks this guy is a jerk as well. Or is it just you? If she thinks he's an asshole, at least you can agree on that fact and move on.
posted by LoriFLA at 7:54 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
Sexual jealousy brings out all sorts of primal rage in us. But don't bring it to the level of "making you feel less special." You know in your heart that it doesn't do that--that you're doing that to yourself--right? The civilizing factor that will help you get over this faster is to recognize that it's an unhelpful, irrelevant emotion in the context of the relationship you want with her. I'm sure you can think of other unhelpful but more manageable emotions that you've had or currently have. Think of how this situation is similar.
It will sting for a while. If you don't want to mess things up with her, keep it to yourself and never bring it up. Talk your own feelings through with a trusted friend of yours who likes her. If you really love her, this really shouldn't matter. I'm sure you can think of a million things that are more reprehensible than what she did.
posted by tk at 7:55 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
It will sting for a while. If you don't want to mess things up with her, keep it to yourself and never bring it up. Talk your own feelings through with a trusted friend of yours who likes her. If you really love her, this really shouldn't matter. I'm sure you can think of a million things that are more reprehensible than what she did.
posted by tk at 7:55 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
I wonder if she thinks this guy is a jerk as well.
The other possibility is that she really didn't know the guy at all. Perhaps she wasn't ever involved with him, it was just a one time sex thing, and he got invited in because he was around.
posted by orange swan at 7:59 PM on September 19, 2007
The other possibility is that she really didn't know the guy at all. Perhaps she wasn't ever involved with him, it was just a one time sex thing, and he got invited in because he was around.
posted by orange swan at 7:59 PM on September 19, 2007
This is about you not her. If you can't put this out of your head this relationship is doomed, and frankly you are likely to have trouble into the future.
posted by caddis at 8:07 PM on September 19, 2007
posted by caddis at 8:07 PM on September 19, 2007
Oh, anonymous. She chose you. Every day she is with you she continues to choose you. If you must make mental comparisons with the other guy (and I don't recommend it) that's what you get out of her that he never will.
The things she did in her past make her the woman she is today - the woman you love. Don't let jealousy over something that happened before you were together affect the only thing you have control over in this situation: your behavior in the here and now.
I'm not saying it isn't awkward, but I am saying you don't have to let it ruin what you have.
Good luck to you both.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:09 PM on September 19, 2007 [5 favorites]
The things she did in her past make her the woman she is today - the woman you love. Don't let jealousy over something that happened before you were together affect the only thing you have control over in this situation: your behavior in the here and now.
I'm not saying it isn't awkward, but I am saying you don't have to let it ruin what you have.
Good luck to you both.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:09 PM on September 19, 2007 [5 favorites]
"I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special. I also feel foolish for valuing the sex we have now as much as I did. I also feel like that guy got something out of her that I never will, even though I don't even want a threesome that much. It's crazy."
So depressing. Go read some articles on Pandagon, get some feminist perspective and pull yourself together.
posted by TorontoSandy at 8:10 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]
So depressing. Go read some articles on Pandagon, get some feminist perspective and pull yourself together.
posted by TorontoSandy at 8:10 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]
You are a human being. That means that sometimes you are going to feel a very visceral jealosy. I'd skip the social analysis and accept that you are going to feel these things and that although it is painful, it is something you can bear. Concentrate on the feelings you are feeling about the situation, not the facts which seem to disturb you. Once you learn to see those moments of jealosy as a naturally occuring thing which you don't have to act on and which for 99% of the day does not occur to you, you can start to learn how to deal with the emotions themselves. The facts of the past cannot change themselves no matter how much you want them to or any acting out can change. Focus on learning to accept things in the past you do not like and learn what attitudes you may have about yourself could cause you to hold on to damaging beliefs like the ones you have expressed here.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:39 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 8:39 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]
Maybe it would help if you realised this is, seriously, none of your business. Have some respect for your girlfriend's autonomy and get over something that has nothing to do with you.
posted by mjao at 8:45 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by mjao at 8:45 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
My first serious boyfriend had a very bizarre relationship with another women for a year before we met. I won't go into it, but it freaked me out, still kind of does. I would occasionally bring it up and basically was very passive aggressive about it.
After I had done this a few times, he turned me and said that it was something he had done, he couldn't change it, it was part of him, and that if I wanted to be with him I would have to accept it.
And when he put it like that it was very easy for me to let it go and I suggest you do to. You have to take people the way they come or not at all, it's a package deal.
posted by whoaali at 8:47 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
After I had done this a few times, he turned me and said that it was something he had done, he couldn't change it, it was part of him, and that if I wanted to be with him I would have to accept it.
And when he put it like that it was very easy for me to let it go and I suggest you do to. You have to take people the way they come or not at all, it's a package deal.
posted by whoaali at 8:47 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
Your girlfriend's past is important to her. She lived it; all of the memories she has are for her to cherish or hate or occasionally revisit. Really, they should be hers alone, if you were not involved in her past. But she told you about some of them, and now they're also in a tiny way, yours to wonder and imagine about at times when you might be feeling insecure about yourself.
My advice to you, whenever you're tempted to dwell on the past events your girlfriend experienced, is to instead revisit your own past events of a similar nature.
Maybe you didn't sleep with anyone that your girlfriend would find despicable, but perhaps at some point, before meeting your girlfriend, you slept with another girl? Or at least had some sort of romantic involvement with someone else?
Revisit those times, when your girlfriend's past visits you. Sure, your girlfriend may have done X with So-n-So, but did she ever do Y with Such-n-Such?! Haha, no! But you did. ;>
posted by Squee at 8:48 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
My advice to you, whenever you're tempted to dwell on the past events your girlfriend experienced, is to instead revisit your own past events of a similar nature.
Maybe you didn't sleep with anyone that your girlfriend would find despicable, but perhaps at some point, before meeting your girlfriend, you slept with another girl? Or at least had some sort of romantic involvement with someone else?
Revisit those times, when your girlfriend's past visits you. Sure, your girlfriend may have done X with So-n-So, but did she ever do Y with Such-n-Such?! Haha, no! But you did. ;>
posted by Squee at 8:48 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
I slept with some real doozies in my past, but the reason I'm engaged to a great guy now is that I learned from that. There's a good reason I'm not with any of them. I raised my standards and met my fiancé. If we were to break up, I'd never go back to the despicable type of guy.
posted by desjardins at 8:52 PM on September 19, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:52 PM on September 19, 2007 [3 favorites]
"Lumberg fucked her."
Who cares, dude? Seriously - who cares where she got her appetite, as long as she's "coming home for dinnah," youknowwhati'msayin?
Seriously though. Get over it, it really isn't your business to begin with. Dave Chappelle said in regards to Monica Lewinsky (and I'm paraphrasing):
Every woman has one guy that she wishes she hadn't slept with; this guy most of the time isn't a powerful man, it's the guy who works the counter at Safeway.
She comes home to you.
posted by jimmyhutch at 8:58 PM on September 19, 2007
Who cares, dude? Seriously - who cares where she got her appetite, as long as she's "coming home for dinnah," youknowwhati'msayin?
Seriously though. Get over it, it really isn't your business to begin with. Dave Chappelle said in regards to Monica Lewinsky (and I'm paraphrasing):
Every woman has one guy that she wishes she hadn't slept with; this guy most of the time isn't a powerful man, it's the guy who works the counter at Safeway.
She comes home to you.
posted by jimmyhutch at 8:58 PM on September 19, 2007
Huh, I kinda get the feeling that you're not so worried about why she chose you (I mean, it's obvious, the other guy? He's a jerk.) as you are about why YOU chose HER.
So sit down, write a list of all the reasons why you chose her that don't involve not being promiscuous. Remember that these are not easy traits to come by, especially all in one person!
posted by anaelith at 9:00 PM on September 19, 2007
So sit down, write a list of all the reasons why you chose her that don't involve not being promiscuous. Remember that these are not easy traits to come by, especially all in one person!
posted by anaelith at 9:00 PM on September 19, 2007
Please know it's okay to feel jealous, as has been mentioned. It's especially okay, in my opinion, because you seem able to think about it rationally and realize when you may veer towards the unreasonable (whether you can control it or not).
IANYG, but if I were, I'd rather you talk to me about X than keep it bottled up and eating at you. I've been on both sides of a similar fence; as someone who is pretty damn comfortable with where I've been and what I've been up to, I still realize that it can be challenging for future partners. I would much rather talk about how they feel and explain how I feel than have to deal with the passive-aggressive b.s. that just prolongs some inevitable "I can't get over X" conversation.
If you can have that conversation and maintain the 'level-headedness' your question suggests, then that is where I'd want you to start... if I were her.
Your mileage may vary; void where prohibited, etc. etc. I'd just hate for you to try to have this conversation if it's going to make it worse in any way.
posted by juliplease at 9:29 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
IANYG, but if I were, I'd rather you talk to me about X than keep it bottled up and eating at you. I've been on both sides of a similar fence; as someone who is pretty damn comfortable with where I've been and what I've been up to, I still realize that it can be challenging for future partners. I would much rather talk about how they feel and explain how I feel than have to deal with the passive-aggressive b.s. that just prolongs some inevitable "I can't get over X" conversation.
If you can have that conversation and maintain the 'level-headedness' your question suggests, then that is where I'd want you to start... if I were her.
Your mileage may vary; void where prohibited, etc. etc. I'd just hate for you to try to have this conversation if it's going to make it worse in any way.
posted by juliplease at 9:29 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]
So two things:
First, it was before you were around, and that means it has nothing to do with you. Of course, logically you know that, so this one's a throwaway.
Second...
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special.
That's the real problem here, and you're letting the fact that it's about sex cloud your judgement a bit. Imagine that you were in the exact situation you're in, except the thing that makes you feel bad is that she belonged to the KKK for a year, or she had a drug problem, or she used to shoplift, or she was a [insert the political party that you despise here] in college.
Ultimately, her choices -- even those in the past -- impact how you view her in the now. You've basically told us that, in fact, and that's pretty normal.
So: do you chalk it up as a growing experience for her and move on, or do you call it the exposure of a character flaw and move out? The key here is to remember that it's not about her, except inasmuch as your image of her is being impacted -- but it's how YOU view her that's causing the problem.
If you discover something about a significant other that bothers you, you either get over it, learn to deal with it, or move away from it. Ultimately, that's your call.
posted by davejay at 9:34 PM on September 19, 2007
First, it was before you were around, and that means it has nothing to do with you. Of course, logically you know that, so this one's a throwaway.
Second...
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special.
That's the real problem here, and you're letting the fact that it's about sex cloud your judgement a bit. Imagine that you were in the exact situation you're in, except the thing that makes you feel bad is that she belonged to the KKK for a year, or she had a drug problem, or she used to shoplift, or she was a [insert the political party that you despise here] in college.
Ultimately, her choices -- even those in the past -- impact how you view her in the now. You've basically told us that, in fact, and that's pretty normal.
So: do you chalk it up as a growing experience for her and move on, or do you call it the exposure of a character flaw and move out? The key here is to remember that it's not about her, except inasmuch as your image of her is being impacted -- but it's how YOU view her that's causing the problem.
If you discover something about a significant other that bothers you, you either get over it, learn to deal with it, or move away from it. Ultimately, that's your call.
posted by davejay at 9:34 PM on September 19, 2007
Think back to everyone you've had sex with. Any chance that one or more of them is someone she would just loathe? Good. It balances out. Now move on.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:49 PM on September 19, 2007
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:49 PM on September 19, 2007
Perhaps this would help. Imagine this scenario:
Later today you and your girlfriend are walking down the street when you are accosted by a woman who says, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM HER. I CAN'T STAND HER!"
Incredulous, you say, "Pardon me? Who are you? I don't even know you? How dare you tell me not to date my girlfriend!"
To which she (crazy woman) replies, "Listen, in two years, you are going to be single again. You will meet me at a party, we will hook up and start to date, and the thought of you being with this woman will just kill me, so go ahead and leave her now. Trust me. It will make things better down the road. Trust me."
"But," you say, "You might be my girlfriend in a couple of years, but you aren't today, so you don't get to tell me what to do or who to see. It just doesn't work that way."
Now, do this little one act play in your head as often as you need to, except this time, your girlfriend is played by you, the guy you hate is played by your girlfriend, and the crazy woman is played by you.
She chose you. It never matters who was winning in the second quarter. It matters who was winning when time ran out, and today, you are the winning team. Enjoy it. Tell her you love her so much that you wish you could go back in time so you could be with her even more.
But know that you can't.
posted by 4ster at 9:54 PM on September 19, 2007 [5 favorites]
Later today you and your girlfriend are walking down the street when you are accosted by a woman who says, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM HER. I CAN'T STAND HER!"
Incredulous, you say, "Pardon me? Who are you? I don't even know you? How dare you tell me not to date my girlfriend!"
To which she (crazy woman) replies, "Listen, in two years, you are going to be single again. You will meet me at a party, we will hook up and start to date, and the thought of you being with this woman will just kill me, so go ahead and leave her now. Trust me. It will make things better down the road. Trust me."
"But," you say, "You might be my girlfriend in a couple of years, but you aren't today, so you don't get to tell me what to do or who to see. It just doesn't work that way."
Now, do this little one act play in your head as often as you need to, except this time, your girlfriend is played by you, the guy you hate is played by your girlfriend, and the crazy woman is played by you.
She chose you. It never matters who was winning in the second quarter. It matters who was winning when time ran out, and today, you are the winning team. Enjoy it. Tell her you love her so much that you wish you could go back in time so you could be with her even more.
But know that you can't.
posted by 4ster at 9:54 PM on September 19, 2007 [5 favorites]
Take everything in this thread to heart and then, as suggested in the first couple comments, go watch Chasing Amy. You don't want to be that guy. Really. I been there with you, and it really sucks to be that guy.
posted by Justinian at 10:17 PM on September 19, 2007
posted by Justinian at 10:17 PM on September 19, 2007
It really irks me that you term her sexual history "promiscuous" and that her very personal decisions about that make you essentially think less of her. Also troubling is that you view her sexuality as some kind of commodity. I think you should look closely at the basis on which you are judging her. Maybe you have some antiquated views on what women do with their own bodies and just how pristine you need a woman to be to accept her completely.
posted by loiseau at 10:36 PM on September 19, 2007 [8 favorites]
posted by loiseau at 10:36 PM on September 19, 2007 [8 favorites]
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special. I also feel foolish for valuing the sex we have now as much as I did. I also feel like that guy got something out of her that I never will, even though I don't even want a threesome that much. It's crazy.
Stop seeing sex as an an object that has value, can be "gotten" from someone else, and is more special the more rare it is. Sex is sex.
posted by callmejay at 10:43 PM on September 19, 2007
Stop seeing sex as an an object that has value, can be "gotten" from someone else, and is more special the more rare it is. Sex is sex.
posted by callmejay at 10:43 PM on September 19, 2007
Take everything in this thread to heart and then, as suggested in the first couple comments, go watch Chasing Amy. You don't want to be that guy. Really. I been there with you, and it really sucks to be that guy.
Do exactly this. You'll get good advice, and Chasing Amy is a fucking AWFUL movie that your relationship problems won't seem so painful by comparison. if you can get through the historic levels of unfunniness and trying-to-hard in the "oral sex" monologue, you can survive anything.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:22 PM on September 19, 2007
Do exactly this. You'll get good advice, and Chasing Amy is a fucking AWFUL movie that your relationship problems won't seem so painful by comparison. if you can get through the historic levels of unfunniness and trying-to-hard in the "oral sex" monologue, you can survive anything.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:22 PM on September 19, 2007
I have been there. You will not get over it and it will eat you up on a daily basis. When we broke up, for unrelated reasons, the relief of not being tormented by these thoughts was overwhelming and something to this day I am pleased not to have in my life. All the previous advice is great, logical and very worthy but if it disturbs you as much as it does now it always will. I'm aware of a few of my current partner's previous lovers, one of them is a person I have little respect for but, point is, it doesn't bother me. You're obviously bothered and that is, or will be, a big problem.
posted by brautigan at 12:58 AM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by brautigan at 12:58 AM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
@brautigan: bullshit. Just because you couldn't get over your stuck emotions doesn't mean that nobody ever can.
@anonymous: I suggest trying EFT. Ignore the meridian/energy theory, which is bullshit quackery, and look at it simply as a mnemonic device for focusing on your stuck emotion. Stuck emotions can be kind of similar to knots in muscles. If you keep rubbing on them they keep hurting, but sometimes if you press on them the right way they just release.
In any case the first step is to see it simply as a stuck emotion. Don't bother analysing why you feel it or rationalizing why you should or should not feel it. It has no meaning. It's just stuck, like a muscle knot. It's an emergent bug of the human software to get stuck emotions that are out of sync with our rational thought and chosen values. They don't mean anything.
posted by lastobelus at 1:32 AM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
@anonymous: I suggest trying EFT. Ignore the meridian/energy theory, which is bullshit quackery, and look at it simply as a mnemonic device for focusing on your stuck emotion. Stuck emotions can be kind of similar to knots in muscles. If you keep rubbing on them they keep hurting, but sometimes if you press on them the right way they just release.
In any case the first step is to see it simply as a stuck emotion. Don't bother analysing why you feel it or rationalizing why you should or should not feel it. It has no meaning. It's just stuck, like a muscle knot. It's an emergent bug of the human software to get stuck emotions that are out of sync with our rational thought and chosen values. They don't mean anything.
posted by lastobelus at 1:32 AM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
(I mean to say stuck emotions are like muscle knots as an analogy, not that I believe they are actually muscle knots. I don't think the tapping in EFT actually does anything, it's just a device for holding the stuck emotion in your conscious mind, in a way that is analogous to pressing on a pressure point)
posted by lastobelus at 1:36 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by lastobelus at 1:36 AM on September 20, 2007
It is possible to get over something like this.
In my opinion and experience, this kind of jealous emotion often has very little to do with what happened in the past. Instead, I think it often serves as a safe harbor when you're feeling insecure in your relationship. It's a thing you can use to temper the level of feelings you have for her when you feel vulnerable in increasing your level of commitment to her. It's a defense mechanism that you use to prepare your psyche for the "unthinkable" - that she could decide to break up with you, or that she might cheat on you some time. If she does break up with you, or does cheat on you, you can then simply say, "I knew she was a worthless slut and always expected something like this might happen."
That's a cowardly way to act in a relationship. Unfortunately, relationships and commitment entail some risk, and you have to decide whether you're willing to take that risk, if the relationship is to progress.
If she's not giving you any specific reasons to feel insecure about the future of your relationship now, and you want your relationship with her to grow, you need to get over your insecurities and take the risk as part of the bargain.
In order to get past these emotions, you must make a conscious decision that the things you like about your girlfriend now make it worthwhile to focus on your future together with her, in spite of the risks. It sounds like you are close to that point.
Make a list of things about your girlfriend that make you love her, that make her so great. For extra points, communicate that list of things to her some time.
When your jealousy flares up, recite the items on that list to yourself, and tell yourself:
"She's such a great girl! I enjoy being with her so much! I'm going to focus on our future together, and not on the past."
posted by syzygy at 2:55 AM on September 20, 2007 [4 favorites]
In my opinion and experience, this kind of jealous emotion often has very little to do with what happened in the past. Instead, I think it often serves as a safe harbor when you're feeling insecure in your relationship. It's a thing you can use to temper the level of feelings you have for her when you feel vulnerable in increasing your level of commitment to her. It's a defense mechanism that you use to prepare your psyche for the "unthinkable" - that she could decide to break up with you, or that she might cheat on you some time. If she does break up with you, or does cheat on you, you can then simply say, "I knew she was a worthless slut and always expected something like this might happen."
That's a cowardly way to act in a relationship. Unfortunately, relationships and commitment entail some risk, and you have to decide whether you're willing to take that risk, if the relationship is to progress.
If she's not giving you any specific reasons to feel insecure about the future of your relationship now, and you want your relationship with her to grow, you need to get over your insecurities and take the risk as part of the bargain.
In order to get past these emotions, you must make a conscious decision that the things you like about your girlfriend now make it worthwhile to focus on your future together with her, in spite of the risks. It sounds like you are close to that point.
Make a list of things about your girlfriend that make you love her, that make her so great. For extra points, communicate that list of things to her some time.
When your jealousy flares up, recite the items on that list to yourself, and tell yourself:
"She's such a great girl! I enjoy being with her so much! I'm going to focus on our future together, and not on the past."
posted by syzygy at 2:55 AM on September 20, 2007 [4 favorites]
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special.
Is it really that, or is it the feeling that she wouldn't have sex with you except as part of a relationship, but she was willing to jump into bed with someone else just for fun?
In the long term, maybe getting into shape, dressing nicer, cultivating a bit more aggression, and engaging in a bit of light flirtation with other women might make you feel a bit more attractive and confident.
posted by tomcooke at 3:51 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
Is it really that, or is it the feeling that she wouldn't have sex with you except as part of a relationship, but she was willing to jump into bed with someone else just for fun?
In the long term, maybe getting into shape, dressing nicer, cultivating a bit more aggression, and engaging in a bit of light flirtation with other women might make you feel a bit more attractive and confident.
posted by tomcooke at 3:51 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
Um, the movie Eyes Wide Shut is about this. About a guy who cannot forget / forgive his wife from her past indiscretions. It is a great portrayal of what you're going through (even if Tommy C only barely pulls it off).
posted by zpousman at 5:13 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by zpousman at 5:13 AM on September 20, 2007
Short version: Get over it. Her past is not the present.
Shorter version: get over it.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:20 AM on September 20, 2007
Shorter version: get over it.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:20 AM on September 20, 2007
You've got essentially two choices. One, get over it. Your choice of method can vary from the "realizing your insecurity about the issue" style coping to the "think about all the crazy stuff you did that she didn't". Two, leave her. Here's the thing, you can invest your time and energy in coping with it, but at some point you'll either find that you've moved on from the issue or that it really eats you up inside and you can't be around her. Personally, I recommend getting a little rowdy drunk one night, screwing her brains out and remembering that "that guy" was a douche and you're the one with the girl in the end.
posted by Phoenix42 at 5:32 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by Phoenix42 at 5:32 AM on September 20, 2007
Also, reserve the right to punch "that guy" in the face if he ever brings it up in your presence.
posted by electroboy at 6:38 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by electroboy at 6:38 AM on September 20, 2007
There is nothing wrong with how you feel.
posted by konolia at 6:41 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by konolia at 6:41 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
Punching him in the face may be crude, but it will be incredibly satisfying.
But, did he really do anything wrong?
posted by four panels at 6:53 AM on September 20, 2007
But, did he really do anything wrong?
posted by four panels at 6:53 AM on September 20, 2007
I think bringing up past sexual encounters in front of a someone's current S.O. qualifies. If he's as much of a jerk as the poster says, it's just a matter of time.
posted by electroboy at 6:56 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by electroboy at 6:56 AM on September 20, 2007
Your insecurity is understandable. She chose him for freaky threesome sex & chose you for a relationship. You may have different core competencies. If that doesn't sit well with you, you could try tomcooke's suggestion of "getting into shape" and generally being more attractive.
I'd suggest combining that with breaking up with her & having some crazy threesome sex of your own. (Whether you want to or not is irrelevant.) Then next time you're in this situation you'll feel confident that you are threesome material.
posted by Wood at 7:39 AM on September 20, 2007
I'd suggest combining that with breaking up with her & having some crazy threesome sex of your own. (Whether you want to or not is irrelevant.) Then next time you're in this situation you'll feel confident that you are threesome material.
posted by Wood at 7:39 AM on September 20, 2007
Try to look at this from her point of view. I understand that might be very difficult in your current state. So why not just read this "My Boyfriend Freaked Out Because I Had a Threesome" (behind the salon ad wall, sorry, but it's a brief ad wall and then you get the content) - it's a letter written by a woman in exactly your girlffriend's situation. And it is the logical conclusion of your current behavior.
posted by minervous at 8:56 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by minervous at 8:56 AM on September 20, 2007
I feel as though she has lower standards than I thought, and this makes me feel less special. I also feel foolish for valuing the sex we have now as much as I did. I also feel like that guy got something out of her that I never will, even though I don't even want a threesome that much. It's crazy.
I love this girl, and I don't want to have to think these sorts of thoughts about her.
This sounds to me like you don't respect her. You seem to have some idea of her and of your relationship that you are attached to but can't seem to reconcile that with this niggling reality.
I can't speak for her, but if you were dating me, I would want you to tell me just what I quoted in just those words. So I could walk away from you and never look back.
posted by caitlinb at 10:34 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
I love this girl, and I don't want to have to think these sorts of thoughts about her.
This sounds to me like you don't respect her. You seem to have some idea of her and of your relationship that you are attached to but can't seem to reconcile that with this niggling reality.
I can't speak for her, but if you were dating me, I would want you to tell me just what I quoted in just those words. So I could walk away from you and never look back.
posted by caitlinb at 10:34 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
Man, 23skidoo's been on a tear lately—Good advice from him again.
posted by klangklangston at 10:53 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by klangklangston at 10:53 AM on September 20, 2007
Ooh that Salon piece is good.
But it sounds your reaction was not as bad as in that letter, thankfully...
I don't really think it's that crazy to have the feelings you describe, they're very understandable, but it is a matter of degrees. If it's affecting you so much there is something a little wrong.
I do understand your disappointment at hearing about the jerk, but think about it: we're not talking her standards for relationships here, we're talking standards for a drunken threesome (threesomes being very often a drunken affair). It's not supposed to be something you do with someone you really really like and are going to be hanging out with regularly as mates later on, or rather, well, few people can pull that off. It makes total sense she ended up doing it with a jerk, because it didn't matter that he was a jerk, he was only going to be involved for a threesome and that's it! Do I have to explain further?
This has no bearing on you beause you are her boyfriend, not some random guy she slept with.
Here is where the problem may be...you may be the one with the 'wrong' standards, you know? (wrong when it comes to others I mean, your own standards for yourself are your own choice so cannot be 'wrong' by definition) You may have impossibly strict and unrealistic expectations about past sexual experiences of your girlfriends. How old are you? What exactly does 'promiscuous' mean to you? How would you define your own experiences? Don't you really have even just one that involves someone you wouldn't be exactly proud of introducing to your mum? No?
But even assuming you're a good boy scout who never slept around even a little thereby almost inevitably ending up at least once with a female equivalent of your gf's jerk, look at it this way: you're reaping the benefits of her having more sexual experience than you! At least I hope so. Are you happy with her from a sexual point of view too? if so, well, what else matters?
You can't have your cake and eat it too you know... if sex with her is good you owe it also to the jerk experience. Make a little voodoo doll to thank him for that and then set it on fire. Figuratively speaking I mean.
To cut a long story short. We all are the product of our experiences. Everything, every little thing, she did made her into the girl you love now. Do you or do you not love her as she is now? That's the only thing that matters.
Finally... out of curiosity, what does 'even though I don't even want a threesome that much' mean exactly? how much is that 'not that much'? Are you sure you're not a little tickled by the idea now that you know she's done it? Keep in mind you two have a relationship and it's a risky thing to do when serious feelings are involved. But, you could turn your obsession about this into a kinky fantasy to spice up things between you, without actually doing it.
(Paging Dr Savage Love...)
posted by pleeker at 11:14 AM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
But it sounds your reaction was not as bad as in that letter, thankfully...
I don't really think it's that crazy to have the feelings you describe, they're very understandable, but it is a matter of degrees. If it's affecting you so much there is something a little wrong.
I do understand your disappointment at hearing about the jerk, but think about it: we're not talking her standards for relationships here, we're talking standards for a drunken threesome (threesomes being very often a drunken affair). It's not supposed to be something you do with someone you really really like and are going to be hanging out with regularly as mates later on, or rather, well, few people can pull that off. It makes total sense she ended up doing it with a jerk, because it didn't matter that he was a jerk, he was only going to be involved for a threesome and that's it! Do I have to explain further?
This has no bearing on you beause you are her boyfriend, not some random guy she slept with.
Here is where the problem may be...you may be the one with the 'wrong' standards, you know? (wrong when it comes to others I mean, your own standards for yourself are your own choice so cannot be 'wrong' by definition) You may have impossibly strict and unrealistic expectations about past sexual experiences of your girlfriends. How old are you? What exactly does 'promiscuous' mean to you? How would you define your own experiences? Don't you really have even just one that involves someone you wouldn't be exactly proud of introducing to your mum? No?
But even assuming you're a good boy scout who never slept around even a little thereby almost inevitably ending up at least once with a female equivalent of your gf's jerk, look at it this way: you're reaping the benefits of her having more sexual experience than you! At least I hope so. Are you happy with her from a sexual point of view too? if so, well, what else matters?
You can't have your cake and eat it too you know... if sex with her is good you owe it also to the jerk experience. Make a little voodoo doll to thank him for that and then set it on fire. Figuratively speaking I mean.
To cut a long story short. We all are the product of our experiences. Everything, every little thing, she did made her into the girl you love now. Do you or do you not love her as she is now? That's the only thing that matters.
Finally... out of curiosity, what does 'even though I don't even want a threesome that much' mean exactly? how much is that 'not that much'? Are you sure you're not a little tickled by the idea now that you know she's done it? Keep in mind you two have a relationship and it's a risky thing to do when serious feelings are involved. But, you could turn your obsession about this into a kinky fantasy to spice up things between you, without actually doing it.
(Paging Dr Savage Love...)
posted by pleeker at 11:14 AM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
You see, this is why I'll never be convinced it's a good idea for new couples to hand over their sexual history resumes to one another. No good can come out of it, but boy can it cause insane jealousy and some nasty fights.
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. Unfortunately I'm not convinced any of it will help you to get over this any quicker. All of the advice you've been given is based on being a third party looking at this from the outside looking in with no emotional connection to either party. And what your feeling is completely irrational jealousy (albeit irrational jealousy that has likely been felt by just about anyone who has ever dated anyone else who wasn't a virgin). Irrational feelings by their very nature are not curable by paint-by-numbers logic.
So I could tell you:
a) It makes little sense to have negative feelings towards your girlfriend for having not been faithful to you during a period in which you weren't going out in the first place
and
b) It's a losing battle tying your self-esteem to whether or not you are "special" because a particular person chose you as a sexual partner
But I don't know how much this helps because I'm sure you know this intellectually; it's getting rid of the nagging, irrational jealousy that's hard. And unfortunately, there is no magic cure for that. You either will get over it or you won't, and the only thing that can determine that is time.
posted by The Gooch at 11:31 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. Unfortunately I'm not convinced any of it will help you to get over this any quicker. All of the advice you've been given is based on being a third party looking at this from the outside looking in with no emotional connection to either party. And what your feeling is completely irrational jealousy (albeit irrational jealousy that has likely been felt by just about anyone who has ever dated anyone else who wasn't a virgin). Irrational feelings by their very nature are not curable by paint-by-numbers logic.
So I could tell you:
a) It makes little sense to have negative feelings towards your girlfriend for having not been faithful to you during a period in which you weren't going out in the first place
and
b) It's a losing battle tying your self-esteem to whether or not you are "special" because a particular person chose you as a sexual partner
But I don't know how much this helps because I'm sure you know this intellectually; it's getting rid of the nagging, irrational jealousy that's hard. And unfortunately, there is no magic cure for that. You either will get over it or you won't, and the only thing that can determine that is time.
posted by The Gooch at 11:31 AM on September 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
Rarely, there is great wisdom in bumperstickers. One I saw 6 years ago has stuck with me in a big way: "forgiveness. giving up all hope of a better past".
posted by gnz2001 at 4:01 PM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by gnz2001 at 4:01 PM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
I suppose it also matters how you found out. Does she just bring these things up casually or was there something that precipitated this? Or were you quizzing her on her past?
posted by electroboy at 8:03 AM on September 21, 2007
posted by electroboy at 8:03 AM on September 21, 2007
The banes of being in a relationship with someone. Sigh. I can totally commiserate with you on the view of lower standards of our significant others, however, it is not a good path to go down mentally. I have to deal with that mental battle every day. And not only is there an ex involved, and I mean an ex not a fling, a child came from that relationship.
In the beginning, I kept asking myself, how stupid is a guy who can't see what a loser his girlfriend is....and to be even more stupid and get that woman pregnant and give her responsibility of a child when she can't even keep a job for more than a couple of months? Bad thoughts, seriously, and it ate at me for a couple of years. And he went through it too because they only dated for a short time and he did not know who she really was. Maybe, especially since it was just one night of sex, your girlfriend did not know who he was or simply did not care. Sex is sex. In a drunken state or emotional stress, or just plain old youth, it is easy to forego how we would rate someone worthy of a relationship with us versus worthy of having sex with.
And you know what got me threw it? I was him. It was the horrific experience he HAD to go through to wake him up and since I had my life together, it helped him get his life together, as well as our daughter's. It definitely helped having a wonderful relationship with his daughter, who I am now the primary mother of, because without that horrible moment in time that they were together, my little girl would not be here. While I wish I could erase their relationship, I would never have met my husband the way I did.
Do I hate that I have to have that woman in my life? Yes. Is it heartbreaking having to share my daughter with her and does it bug me when my husband has to talk to her on the phone about our daughter? Absolutely. But that is life, no one has an unblemished past. Unless you're standards are dating a virgin and only virgins, you can't have these thoughts. A lot of people posted that your girlfriend's past and life before you makes her the woman she is now.
And if you are a decent, upstanding guy, then you have the common sense in choosing a decent, upstanding woman. People make mistakes and wonderful things come from those mistakes. Either children or clarity, either way, she is no longer doing such behavior and has obviously upgraded her views of men and behavior.
Please do your best and think of your current life with her. I wasted a whole year picking arguments and punishing my husband (before we were married) for his past indiscretions. It truly was a waste of time and almost broke us up. He is no longer that naive kid in his past and neither is your girlfriend. You are the one creating issues now and driving a wedge in your relationship. And, you are letting that "asshole" get the better of you and he doesn't even know it. You are letting him ruin a happiness you have and letting him control your feelings. Do you really want to give him credit for all this pain and suffering you are putting yourself through? I don't think so. He does not deserve it and your girlfriend does not deserve to be punished for doing something before she knew you.
posted by dnthomps at 6:13 AM on September 23, 2007 [1 favorite]
In the beginning, I kept asking myself, how stupid is a guy who can't see what a loser his girlfriend is....and to be even more stupid and get that woman pregnant and give her responsibility of a child when she can't even keep a job for more than a couple of months? Bad thoughts, seriously, and it ate at me for a couple of years. And he went through it too because they only dated for a short time and he did not know who she really was. Maybe, especially since it was just one night of sex, your girlfriend did not know who he was or simply did not care. Sex is sex. In a drunken state or emotional stress, or just plain old youth, it is easy to forego how we would rate someone worthy of a relationship with us versus worthy of having sex with.
And you know what got me threw it? I was him. It was the horrific experience he HAD to go through to wake him up and since I had my life together, it helped him get his life together, as well as our daughter's. It definitely helped having a wonderful relationship with his daughter, who I am now the primary mother of, because without that horrible moment in time that they were together, my little girl would not be here. While I wish I could erase their relationship, I would never have met my husband the way I did.
Do I hate that I have to have that woman in my life? Yes. Is it heartbreaking having to share my daughter with her and does it bug me when my husband has to talk to her on the phone about our daughter? Absolutely. But that is life, no one has an unblemished past. Unless you're standards are dating a virgin and only virgins, you can't have these thoughts. A lot of people posted that your girlfriend's past and life before you makes her the woman she is now.
And if you are a decent, upstanding guy, then you have the common sense in choosing a decent, upstanding woman. People make mistakes and wonderful things come from those mistakes. Either children or clarity, either way, she is no longer doing such behavior and has obviously upgraded her views of men and behavior.
Please do your best and think of your current life with her. I wasted a whole year picking arguments and punishing my husband (before we were married) for his past indiscretions. It truly was a waste of time and almost broke us up. He is no longer that naive kid in his past and neither is your girlfriend. You are the one creating issues now and driving a wedge in your relationship. And, you are letting that "asshole" get the better of you and he doesn't even know it. You are letting him ruin a happiness you have and letting him control your feelings. Do you really want to give him credit for all this pain and suffering you are putting yourself through? I don't think so. He does not deserve it and your girlfriend does not deserve to be punished for doing something before she knew you.
posted by dnthomps at 6:13 AM on September 23, 2007 [1 favorite]
dnthomps: And if you are a decent, upstanding guy, then you have the common sense in choosing a decent, upstanding woman. People make mistakes and wonderful things come from those mistakes. Either children or clarity, either way, she is no longer doing such behavior and has obviously upgraded her views of men and behavior.
Well, I guess you are either the sort of person who views this woman as a reformed offender, or one who thinks she didn't do anything wrong to begin with. The "reformed offender" perspective may be a point of view that allows you to stay with her, but you'd have to accept that you're still judging her for her sexuality. It sounds a bit like moral superiority to me.
posted by loiseau at 9:13 AM on September 23, 2007
Well, I guess you are either the sort of person who views this woman as a reformed offender, or one who thinks she didn't do anything wrong to begin with. The "reformed offender" perspective may be a point of view that allows you to stay with her, but you'd have to accept that you're still judging her for her sexuality. It sounds a bit like moral superiority to me.
posted by loiseau at 9:13 AM on September 23, 2007
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posted by ALongDecember at 7:30 PM on September 19, 2007 [6 favorites]