How do I bring sex into my marriage? Nothing seems to be working!
My wife and I were married almost two years ago. We had a splendid honeymoon, and terrific sex about twice a day for the first week.
We got back home, and into 'the real world' and sex disappeared completely.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (72 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
We went from sex every day to sex once a month in a span of 5 weeks time. From there on out (since month 3 of marriage), we've had sex exactly one time a month. I know this, because the event struck me as so rare that I began writing down each experience just so I wouldn't forget what it was like.
I figured: "well, the stress of just getting married/moving in together/starting a new job" is too much for her, and, that in a little while, these things would pass, and she'd feel comfortable with sex again. Well, after two years of waiting, it seems like this is 'normal' for her.
We get along famously (on all non-sexual matters), and have a pretty terrific time together. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her literally -minutes- into our first date. We see eye to eye on countless things, and make an excellent team for any flavor of task you can throw at us. We're a very busy couple, with social engagements with friends, family, charity functions, sports, and political organizations at least 3 days of the week.
A typical non-social evening will involve us both getting off of work around 5, and she immediately heads to the gym (this is 3-5 days a week) to go work out/jog/swim/do weights/aerobics/etc. As I'm at home, bored, I'll go cycling for an hour or two while I wait for her to get home, otherwise I'll work on software projects. She gets home around 7, takes a shower and gets cleaned up, and then prepares herself dinner. As I typically eat very small meals (maybe some fresh fruit or cottage cheese or whatever), I rarely cook and eat dinner with her. She then asks me about how work was (as my work is tediously boring, I usually have nothing to offer), and, of course, I return the question. She spends the next 45 minutes complaining about people at work. By this time, it's 9:30 to 10:00 PM. We might watch half an hour of television, and then she falls asleep on the couch. Any advances toward her during any of this time will get turned down, and even any kissing session turns into: "well, I've got to get ready to do this" or "I've got to call my parents" or "I've got to clean the bathroom".
No sex on Saturdays, not even the morning, when we can sort of sleep in (she's got a Saturday morning workout as well). None on Sundays, ever. None on holidays. We didn't even have sex on our anniversary or Valentine's day. No sex on our last two vacations either.
So, I have tried to vary things up a bit, to get her out of the routine, even creating a 'date night', where, once a week, we'll go get dressed up (my wife is an absolute fox, and absolutely stunning in a dress), watch a play, a concert, or a film, and go for a nice meal and drinks (either prior to or afterwards).
And there's a decent amount of "wait 'til I get you alone" that goes on, and a healthy amount of flirting back and forth, but, the second we get home, she runs to the bedroom, changes immediately into sweatpants and a college-logo t-shirt, and falls asleep.
So, I'm left wide awake, sexually frustrated, and, angry. This has happened literally dozens of times. At least I can read AskMe.
I have approached her a half-dozen times on the subject, in an entirely non-judgmental, non-hostile way, usually along the lines of "we really -do- need to get intimate more frequently, what can we do to make that happen?" She acknowledges that it a problem. But nothing ever comes of it.
As a matter of fact, the only time that I know for sure that we're likely to make love is the one day of the month when she tells me: "we need to spend some alone time together". And, then, and only then, are we going to have sex. And, usually, it involves only her climaxing.
So, I just spend my time waiting for that one lucky day to occur, and it's almost always one month to the day of the last time we 'did it'. So, I just have to try to be ready for when it comes around.
So, for the kicker: She was married before, and the first husband divorced her over the fact that she wouldn't have sex with him. I had assumed it was because he was a cad (and he was, to be sure). I should have seen this coming.
AskMe: What in the hell do I do?