I've never been comfortable being an "adult" since I look so young. How can I learn to just accept it??
July 4, 2007 1:33 AM Subscribe
I've never been comfortable being an "adult" since I look so young. How can I learn to just accept it??
I've always looked way younger than my real age. I'm 33, but I haven't changed much since my late teens. I still got the body of a typical 19 year old kid, short and slim, my face hasn't changed at all either, just got a lil bit chubbier but not much.
I know this isn't a big deal to some people, but it bothers me so much that I've isolated myself from everybody, I'm a total loner now. I feel fine at work and this isn't an issue at all. It's just outside of work, socially.
I spend most of my time thinking about this and what can I do about it. I don't think seeing a therapist would help though, honestly, unless they can make me look my age or hook me up with a hot wife. I'm just stumped. I've gone thru too many ups and downs, emotionally, spiritually, everything. The only thing that worked so far was using drugs, then I couldn't care less. I thought about prescription drugs, maybe like zoloft or some anti-depressants, because I'm almost positive it would be similar to marijuana and hit that same part of my brain, but I'm hesitant because I don't want that feeling like I'm bound to the drug. Then it's not much different from smoking weed. Honestly, what's the difference? So I kind of don't want to use any drug. But I might have to.
I've always looked way younger than my real age. I'm 33, but I haven't changed much since my late teens. I still got the body of a typical 19 year old kid, short and slim, my face hasn't changed at all either, just got a lil bit chubbier but not much.
I know this isn't a big deal to some people, but it bothers me so much that I've isolated myself from everybody, I'm a total loner now. I feel fine at work and this isn't an issue at all. It's just outside of work, socially.
I spend most of my time thinking about this and what can I do about it. I don't think seeing a therapist would help though, honestly, unless they can make me look my age or hook me up with a hot wife. I'm just stumped. I've gone thru too many ups and downs, emotionally, spiritually, everything. The only thing that worked so far was using drugs, then I couldn't care less. I thought about prescription drugs, maybe like zoloft or some anti-depressants, because I'm almost positive it would be similar to marijuana and hit that same part of my brain, but I'm hesitant because I don't want that feeling like I'm bound to the drug. Then it's not much different from smoking weed. Honestly, what's the difference? So I kind of don't want to use any drug. But I might have to.
i mean, read your last sentence. you'd rather be on some kind of drug (be it illegal or prescription) instead of dealing with yourself?
yeah, therapy.
posted by violetk at 1:40 AM on July 4, 2007
yeah, therapy.
posted by violetk at 1:40 AM on July 4, 2007
I don't think seeing a therapist would help though, honestly, unless they can make me look my age or hook me up with a hot wife.
1) I imagine a good therapist could help convince you that you don't need to look your age or have a hot wife to be happy.
2) Do you know how many people would kill to look 14 years younger than they actually are?
posted by juv3nal at 1:41 AM on July 4, 2007
1) I imagine a good therapist could help convince you that you don't need to look your age or have a hot wife to be happy.
2) Do you know how many people would kill to look 14 years younger than they actually are?
posted by juv3nal at 1:41 AM on July 4, 2007
Response by poster: No therapy!! =) Seriously, I can't do the therapy thing.
I know where y'all coming from though, if I read my post I'd say therapy too.
AS for 2).. Yeah most people would die to look like how they looked 14 years ago. True. My problem is not that I look how I looked 14 years ago. My problem is that I look unusually young. So there's kinda a differnce. Subtle, but there.
posted by 0217174 at 1:52 AM on July 4, 2007
I know where y'all coming from though, if I read my post I'd say therapy too.
AS for 2).. Yeah most people would die to look like how they looked 14 years ago. True. My problem is not that I look how I looked 14 years ago. My problem is that I look unusually young. So there's kinda a differnce. Subtle, but there.
posted by 0217174 at 1:52 AM on July 4, 2007
Could a grow a beard or a stache? Maybe work out to change your body? These things seem too simple somehow though.
posted by thelongcon at 1:55 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by thelongcon at 1:55 AM on July 4, 2007
Have you developed a normal pattern of body hair? Is your physical appearance similar to other members of your family. Is it consistent? is your voice higher pitched than you expected it to be? I'm suggesting excluding the remote possibility of something physical as base.
Yes you can actually bulk up under medical supervision (the mopes that do it themselves sometimes end up with shrivelled testes). But would that change how you feel about yourself deep down?
I speak as someone who has significantly changed my physical appearance, guys find me more attractive now but that has not made one jot of difference to who I think I am in my head
If you had a good family physician who could advise on possible physical issues that might (remote possibility here) underly your appearance before referring you for good cognitive behavoural therapy I think that may be the way to go.
And lets' face it, you must have seen some pretty nice girls out there with not so hot looking guys and you think "What the fuck?" Play to your strenghts, find out what the people in your life who like you really appreciate and develop it.
posted by Wilder at 2:04 AM on July 4, 2007
Yes you can actually bulk up under medical supervision (the mopes that do it themselves sometimes end up with shrivelled testes). But would that change how you feel about yourself deep down?
I speak as someone who has significantly changed my physical appearance, guys find me more attractive now but that has not made one jot of difference to who I think I am in my head
If you had a good family physician who could advise on possible physical issues that might (remote possibility here) underly your appearance before referring you for good cognitive behavoural therapy I think that may be the way to go.
And lets' face it, you must have seen some pretty nice girls out there with not so hot looking guys and you think "What the fuck?" Play to your strenghts, find out what the people in your life who like you really appreciate and develop it.
posted by Wilder at 2:04 AM on July 4, 2007
You should develop a personality around this image then if you find yourself struggling to work with it. Example: Andy Milonakis, is 31, has the outward appearance of a 12 year old (due to a hormonal thing), but he plays on it... says and does things which if said by an actual 12 year old would freak a lot of people out. I had a rather ... frail appearance at highschool.... was rather shy and quiet, got picked on a lot... I blamed my appearance for a lot of it, so as soon as I got out of home I got some piercings, mohawk, patch pants and leather jackets and a bigger than reality personality to go with it, just pretended to be more confidant than I really was inside, and eventually I became the person I projected. People preceived because I was scrawny that I probably had a scrawny personality, so I used that to my advantage to make people think "wow, he's different than he looks". So yeah, use your appearance to your advantage.
posted by chrisbucks at 2:24 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by chrisbucks at 2:24 AM on July 4, 2007
"I thought about prescription drugs, maybe like zoloft or some anti-depressants, because I'm almost positive it would be similar to marijuana and hit that same part of my brain"
Unlikely. I find weed a useful antidepressant in cases of temporary funk, and it's a great way to relax and space out, but it's worlds apart from prescription antidepressants.
"Proper" antidepressants are far more subtle in action -- in fact I probably spent half my time on them wondering whether they were having any primary effect at all, though once I hit the right drug and dose I felt fairly obviously more normal. That is, me-normal, not happy-sheep normal. Definitely recommended if you're thinking yourself in circles.
If full-blown therapy doesn't appeal, maybe some more low-key counselling would be better? You get to meet someone outside your normal context who's used to dealing with these sort of problems, and talk about where you are, where you want to be, and discuss how you might get there. No need to jump directly into a 6 month course of intense psychotherapy or anything -- sometimes an hour or six talking with someone with a different perspective and some experience is all it takes.
I say this as a pretty big loner myself; I managed 4 years of college and university without making a single friend, at least in real life, and I'm pretty much continued that pattern for the.. cripes, 6 years since. I used to spend a *lot* of time thinking about it, and ultimately.. well, thinking doesn't get you very far, you've got to mix it with some doing too -- once you start, it gets easier.
posted by Freaky at 2:37 AM on July 4, 2007
Unlikely. I find weed a useful antidepressant in cases of temporary funk, and it's a great way to relax and space out, but it's worlds apart from prescription antidepressants.
"Proper" antidepressants are far more subtle in action -- in fact I probably spent half my time on them wondering whether they were having any primary effect at all, though once I hit the right drug and dose I felt fairly obviously more normal. That is, me-normal, not happy-sheep normal. Definitely recommended if you're thinking yourself in circles.
If full-blown therapy doesn't appeal, maybe some more low-key counselling would be better? You get to meet someone outside your normal context who's used to dealing with these sort of problems, and talk about where you are, where you want to be, and discuss how you might get there. No need to jump directly into a 6 month course of intense psychotherapy or anything -- sometimes an hour or six talking with someone with a different perspective and some experience is all it takes.
I say this as a pretty big loner myself; I managed 4 years of college and university without making a single friend, at least in real life, and I'm pretty much continued that pattern for the.. cripes, 6 years since. I used to spend a *lot* of time thinking about it, and ultimately.. well, thinking doesn't get you very far, you've got to mix it with some doing too -- once you start, it gets easier.
posted by Freaky at 2:37 AM on July 4, 2007
SSRI's are not cannabis, and therefore they don't have cannabis's side effects. I've advised before that self-medicating with recreational drugs is usually a terrible idea, about as unhelpful as using prescription drugs recreationally.
Seriously, if you haven't yet explored the antidepressant path, it's worth a try. Instead of just zoning you out and make you not care about anything, what an SSRI is likely to do is just get a bit of air between you and the Terrible Problem that currently suffocates you. This will give you the breathing space to sort yourself out, and hopefully help you gain enough self-confidence to do your own hooking up with that hot wife.
Unlike cannabis, SSRI's don't screw with your motivation levels. You can use SSRI's and Have A Plan at the same time.
There are people who end up taking SSRI's for life; there are other people (I am one) who have used them for about six months to get out from under a pile of shit that would have taken much longer to clear up without them.
Get thee to a sympathetic doctor, and find an SSRI that suits you.
posted by flabdablet at 3:23 AM on July 4, 2007
Seriously, if you haven't yet explored the antidepressant path, it's worth a try. Instead of just zoning you out and make you not care about anything, what an SSRI is likely to do is just get a bit of air between you and the Terrible Problem that currently suffocates you. This will give you the breathing space to sort yourself out, and hopefully help you gain enough self-confidence to do your own hooking up with that hot wife.
Unlike cannabis, SSRI's don't screw with your motivation levels. You can use SSRI's and Have A Plan at the same time.
There are people who end up taking SSRI's for life; there are other people (I am one) who have used them for about six months to get out from under a pile of shit that would have taken much longer to clear up without them.
Get thee to a sympathetic doctor, and find an SSRI that suits you.
posted by flabdablet at 3:23 AM on July 4, 2007
Antidepressants are nothing at all like marijuana.
I spend most of my time thinking about this
This sort of rumination might be a big part of the problem. Both CBT and antidepressants can help with obsessive thoughts.
Look into the cognitive distortions. You may be engaging in some of that kind of thinking.
hook me up with a hot wife
your standards may be too high. this is a form of all or nothing thinking.
I've isolated myself from everybody
Really, therapy... start with your doctor to talk about these things.
posted by DarkForest at 3:42 AM on July 4, 2007
I spend most of my time thinking about this
This sort of rumination might be a big part of the problem. Both CBT and antidepressants can help with obsessive thoughts.
Look into the cognitive distortions. You may be engaging in some of that kind of thinking.
hook me up with a hot wife
your standards may be too high. this is a form of all or nothing thinking.
I've isolated myself from everybody
Really, therapy... start with your doctor to talk about these things.
posted by DarkForest at 3:42 AM on July 4, 2007
Also, perhaps you should read about body dismorphic disorder.
posted by DarkForest at 3:48 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by DarkForest at 3:48 AM on July 4, 2007
No therapy!! =) Seriously, I can't do the therapy thing.
That's an indicator that therapy might actually be even more beneficial for you. It's like when people with toothache say they "can't go" to the dentist or fat people say they "can't" diet. Of course, it does take a mental leap on your part first.
posted by wackybrit at 4:49 AM on July 4, 2007
That's an indicator that therapy might actually be even more beneficial for you. It's like when people with toothache say they "can't go" to the dentist or fat people say they "can't" diet. Of course, it does take a mental leap on your part first.
posted by wackybrit at 4:49 AM on July 4, 2007
I'm not sure I understand how looking young = isolation.
posted by chuckdarwin at 4:54 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by chuckdarwin at 4:54 AM on July 4, 2007
Yeah, I know where you're coming from. I'm not that far into being an adult, but I am a female who never got her growth spurt--I'm 4'8", shorter than most kids in elementary school. And it sucks, right, because regardless of how well people know you, it seems like your physical appearance is affecting their overall perception of you? It's not. Get rid of that idea. People with an ounce of sense will recognize you for any number of other attributes as long as you yourself do not constantly remind them of your appearance. Get over the fact that, while it usually is the first thing people notice, it is not nearly the most important.
That being said, there is nothing wrong with totally taking advantage of what could be called the "adorable factor" in the appropriate settings and situations. I don't know, maybe this isn't quite the same with you because you're male and there are different "cuteness" acceptability levels (god, I'm so sick of being called "cute") for men and women. But, for one thing, I'm sure you could totally get away with hanging out with, and possibly dating, younger women. I don't know many men who would pass that up.
So, I guess what helped me was to realize the following: 1) that my height/appearance/whatever was not the most major or only thing people considered when interacting with me; 2) that looking young was NOT all bad and made me positively unique; 3) that this was me, not screwed up, not a mistake, but just how I am--and once I could embrace that, I was a lot happier.
It could take therapy to work on this, it could just take some positive self-thinking. For me, what sealed the deal was finally getting my first boyfriend in my senior year of high school (hi sweetie!). So yeah, go forth and be confident, because confidence is sexy (best advice given to me, ever).
posted by rhoticity at 4:55 AM on July 4, 2007
That being said, there is nothing wrong with totally taking advantage of what could be called the "adorable factor" in the appropriate settings and situations. I don't know, maybe this isn't quite the same with you because you're male and there are different "cuteness" acceptability levels (god, I'm so sick of being called "cute") for men and women. But, for one thing, I'm sure you could totally get away with hanging out with, and possibly dating, younger women. I don't know many men who would pass that up.
So, I guess what helped me was to realize the following: 1) that my height/appearance/whatever was not the most major or only thing people considered when interacting with me; 2) that looking young was NOT all bad and made me positively unique; 3) that this was me, not screwed up, not a mistake, but just how I am--and once I could embrace that, I was a lot happier.
It could take therapy to work on this, it could just take some positive self-thinking. For me, what sealed the deal was finally getting my first boyfriend in my senior year of high school (hi sweetie!). So yeah, go forth and be confident, because confidence is sexy (best advice given to me, ever).
posted by rhoticity at 4:55 AM on July 4, 2007
Four and a half weeks ago my mom said she "couldn't go to the doctor" for an infection in her leg because she was too busy. Four weeks ago she was admitted to the hospital for a week. Everyone said it was completely preventable.
This is not so different. Go to the darned therapy =)
posted by RobotHeart at 5:05 AM on July 4, 2007
This is not so different. Go to the darned therapy =)
posted by RobotHeart at 5:05 AM on July 4, 2007
Andy Milonakis, is 31, has the outward appearance of a 12 year old (due to a hormonal thing), but he plays on it... says and does things which if said by an actual 12 year old would freak a lot of people out.
To be fair, that's really just his shtick for his TV show. In person, he's still a goofy guy, but the 12-year-old thing isn't his real-life personality.
posted by danb at 5:19 AM on July 4, 2007
To be fair, that's really just his shtick for his TV show. In person, he's still a goofy guy, but the 12-year-old thing isn't his real-life personality.
posted by danb at 5:19 AM on July 4, 2007
seconding therapy and an antidepressant. here's why: what you're doing now clearly isn't working. it's time to try something else. staying at home, getting stoned and obsessing about your looks is not going to help you meet that hot wife. also, very few hot women will be attracted to someone who does that.
give therapy a try. give it four visits and then you don't ever have to go back again. they can't commit you against your will, they can't turn you in for your drug use, they have he ard EVERYTHING before, and they aren't going to judge you. what they might do, though, is help you figure out ways to deal with the negative/self-defeating thoughts that keep you from doing the things you want to do in your life.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:48 AM on July 4, 2007
give therapy a try. give it four visits and then you don't ever have to go back again. they can't commit you against your will, they can't turn you in for your drug use, they have he ard EVERYTHING before, and they aren't going to judge you. what they might do, though, is help you figure out ways to deal with the negative/self-defeating thoughts that keep you from doing the things you want to do in your life.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:48 AM on July 4, 2007
I would strongly consider investigating the possibility of a autism-related condition (often referred to as an "autism spectrum disorder") - particularly Asperger's. The word "disorder" rubs me the wrong way as it's clear that in many cases these so-called "disorders" enable people who have them to do remarkable things given understanding by others and the freedom and self-confidence to chart one's own course.
Here's a thread titled "very young looking - asperger trait?" on alt.support.autism that you might find interesting.
If this is the case, it would not only explain some of the physical stuff (autistic people or people "on the spectrum" often have low muscle tone which tends to make them look younger), but also the obsessive tendencies - which again properly harnessed can enable a person to do remarkable things...
If you believe or find out you're "on the spectrum", you might consider looking into supplementing magnesium and Vitamin B6. Here's another interesting site about the use of magnesium for depression. Lots more information out there.....
posted by msquare at 6:15 AM on July 4, 2007
Here's a thread titled "very young looking - asperger trait?" on alt.support.autism that you might find interesting.
If this is the case, it would not only explain some of the physical stuff (autistic people or people "on the spectrum" often have low muscle tone which tends to make them look younger), but also the obsessive tendencies - which again properly harnessed can enable a person to do remarkable things...
If you believe or find out you're "on the spectrum", you might consider looking into supplementing magnesium and Vitamin B6. Here's another interesting site about the use of magnesium for depression. Lots more information out there.....
posted by msquare at 6:15 AM on July 4, 2007
No therapy!! =) Seriously, I can't do the therapy thing.
You're basically getting the "low-key counselling" someone suggested here, it's just that here it's the crappy kind instead of the engaging, helpful, personal, but not $5 kind.
Think about it in terms of "professional life coach" and not "doctor".
posted by mendel at 6:23 AM on July 4, 2007
You're basically getting the "low-key counselling" someone suggested here, it's just that here it's the crappy kind instead of the engaging, helpful, personal, but not $5 kind.
Think about it in terms of "professional life coach" and not "doctor".
posted by mendel at 6:23 AM on July 4, 2007
Maybe you just need a makeover(sub some more masculine term in there if you don't like that word), sometimes a different haircut and clothes can do wonders. Different glasses can help too, if you wear glasses. (or even if you don't). A Personal image consultant might be just the thing.
A lot of people change things about their appearance to look younger, and it works. You simply need to do the process in reverse.
posted by yohko at 7:12 AM on July 4, 2007
A lot of people change things about their appearance to look younger, and it works. You simply need to do the process in reverse.
posted by yohko at 7:12 AM on July 4, 2007
Get into management, 20 years from now you'll have experience AND look young and virile.
People will beg you to work in their companies.
posted by Max Power at 7:13 AM on July 4, 2007
People will beg you to work in their companies.
posted by Max Power at 7:13 AM on July 4, 2007
as an extreme loner myself, i recommend internet dating. it took a couple of years but i finally found my 'hot wife' two years ago.
while the odds are against males on dating sites (e.g., ask a girl about the number of dates she's gotten and then ask a guy - it's usually 10 or more to 1) introverts/loners who never leave the house still have a much better chance of meeting someone simpatico online, since their offline socializing is zero.
when you ruminate on your young appearance does your anxiety revolve around finding a mate or on generalized social activity? if it's the former i imagine a good relationship will largely assuage your discomfort about your youthfulness. the latter would require some other approach (like therapy or some other form of re-programming your self-image).
the nice thing about online dating is, if you're honest in your profile, all that stuff is out there - your appearance, height, etc. so if someone agrees to meet you knowing all of that you can safely avoid worrying about those things. well actually that might not be until the second date;).
posted by jjsonp at 7:44 AM on July 4, 2007
while the odds are against males on dating sites (e.g., ask a girl about the number of dates she's gotten and then ask a guy - it's usually 10 or more to 1) introverts/loners who never leave the house still have a much better chance of meeting someone simpatico online, since their offline socializing is zero.
when you ruminate on your young appearance does your anxiety revolve around finding a mate or on generalized social activity? if it's the former i imagine a good relationship will largely assuage your discomfort about your youthfulness. the latter would require some other approach (like therapy or some other form of re-programming your self-image).
the nice thing about online dating is, if you're honest in your profile, all that stuff is out there - your appearance, height, etc. so if someone agrees to meet you knowing all of that you can safely avoid worrying about those things. well actually that might not be until the second date;).
posted by jjsonp at 7:44 AM on July 4, 2007
If you want to accept being an adult, maybe you should acquire the "traditional, cultural trappings" of an adult. Ha, trappings, great word for it (sorry nevermind). Anyhow. Stop acting like a kid. Stop doing drugs. Dress more nicely. Get a good haircut. Vacuum your house. Get up early. Buy some classy furniture. Learn about fancy wine/beer. Vote. Read the New York Times on paper. Go to church (or whatever, I affiliate this with being an adult). Go to the symphony. Eat healthy; exercise regularly. Work harder, develop a career, or get a second job. Having a job ages you, seriously. Everyone I know in grad school looks much younger than their working counterparts. Be serious.
Basically, if you *feel* like you are acting as an adult, then perhaps your self-image will reflect that. Just some random thoughts, your cultural stereotypes may vary, and this theory is off the top of my head. And, if it's not obvious, I realize that all adults are not like this. It's just a suggestion.
posted by unknowncommand at 7:53 AM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
Basically, if you *feel* like you are acting as an adult, then perhaps your self-image will reflect that. Just some random thoughts, your cultural stereotypes may vary, and this theory is off the top of my head. And, if it's not obvious, I realize that all adults are not like this. It's just a suggestion.
posted by unknowncommand at 7:53 AM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
My brother and I are red-haired, fair-skinned, and blue-eyed. I'm 26, he's 24. Our usual estimated age is 16 - his used to be 12 before he managed to grow some facial hair, and well, we look like twins. I wear a wedding ring, since I'm married, and frequently get asked 'is it legal to be married at your age?', to say nothing of how often I get carded for ID in bars. In addition, I've often been the youngest person in my workplace, working with (and mentoring) people old enough, literally, to be my father, as they have children my age. And I look younger than said children.
So I totally feel you.
On the other hand, I've looked younger than my age my entire life. I looked like I was about 2 when I was 6, about 7 when I was 13, and about 10 when I was 16. My apparent age shot up to about 16 when I was 19, and there it's remained ever since. I've had a while to get used to the concept of me not looking anything close to my calendar age, and to overcome it with projecting self-confidence (regardless of what I felt at the time).
It's not easy. I hang out with a younger crowd (early to mid twenties) and I'm frequently the oldest person at a gathering - and look the youngest. I keep getting told I'll appreciate it later - but right now it's damn annoying.
All I can tell you is - try not to focus on it. Try to act your age, and people will (eventually) treat you that way. Dress elegantly and a little conservatively if possible - that tends to add a bit of maturity. Cultivate (neat!) facial hair - this adds a couple of years, usually. Casually bring up your (approximate) age in conversation - '15 years ago, when I was in school, ...' - nothing too obvious, but enough to cause people to re-evaluate their first impressions. Socialise first with workmates - then expand your social circle slowly, perhaps through interest groups. Be active online, with groups that have real-world analogues - this allows people to judge you on something totally not related to your apparent age. That sort of thing.
Looking younger than one is is irritating, and can be limiting in some social interactions - therapy may be required to over come this, but maybe not.
posted by ysabet at 7:57 AM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
So I totally feel you.
On the other hand, I've looked younger than my age my entire life. I looked like I was about 2 when I was 6, about 7 when I was 13, and about 10 when I was 16. My apparent age shot up to about 16 when I was 19, and there it's remained ever since. I've had a while to get used to the concept of me not looking anything close to my calendar age, and to overcome it with projecting self-confidence (regardless of what I felt at the time).
It's not easy. I hang out with a younger crowd (early to mid twenties) and I'm frequently the oldest person at a gathering - and look the youngest. I keep getting told I'll appreciate it later - but right now it's damn annoying.
All I can tell you is - try not to focus on it. Try to act your age, and people will (eventually) treat you that way. Dress elegantly and a little conservatively if possible - that tends to add a bit of maturity. Cultivate (neat!) facial hair - this adds a couple of years, usually. Casually bring up your (approximate) age in conversation - '15 years ago, when I was in school, ...' - nothing too obvious, but enough to cause people to re-evaluate their first impressions. Socialise first with workmates - then expand your social circle slowly, perhaps through interest groups. Be active online, with groups that have real-world analogues - this allows people to judge you on something totally not related to your apparent age. That sort of thing.
Looking younger than one is is irritating, and can be limiting in some social interactions - therapy may be required to over come this, but maybe not.
posted by ysabet at 7:57 AM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
"I've always looked way younger than my real age. I'm 33, but I haven't changed much since my late teens. I still got the body of a typical 19 year old kid, short and slim, my face hasn't changed at all either, just got a lil bit chubbier but not much."
Is the agonized envy of lots of us Old Farts any comfort or consolation?
posted by davy at 8:01 AM on July 4, 2007
Is the agonized envy of lots of us Old Farts any comfort or consolation?
posted by davy at 8:01 AM on July 4, 2007
Seriously, I can't do the therapy thing.
Seriously, you sure can.
posted by selfmedicating at 9:07 AM on July 4, 2007
Seriously, you sure can.
posted by selfmedicating at 9:07 AM on July 4, 2007
If you really really won't go to a therapist, the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns is full of basic behaviorist exercises that teach you how to change your approach to things and will probably help you with this. You have to actually DO the exercises, though, even though they seem dorky. (Sorry if I sounded snarky above).
posted by selfmedicating at 9:14 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by selfmedicating at 9:14 AM on July 4, 2007
I look really really young too. It used to bother me, but I guess I rebelled against it and it worked. In high school I'd dress in business-ish clothes all the time and I'd read economics and business magazines. I also contemplated dyeing my hair gray at one point.
If I let my guard down and wear something "young" I will get the kid's menu though. I have used it to my advantage though to get discounts and to get people to help me.
I never felt like I had a real problem mentally, but I've also always been a bit high strung (crying in stressful situations makes you look younger for sure!) and I ended up in cognitive behavioral therapy for that. It has really helped me accept my flaws and calm down about them so I can live my life. It's less like therapy and more like life hacking.
You could always move to a different country. College was great for me because I lived and worked with people from countries where it seems looking young and tiny is normal.
Of course there is also the enhancement of secondary sexual characteristics- chest for women, facial hair for men.
posted by melissam at 9:31 AM on July 4, 2007
If I let my guard down and wear something "young" I will get the kid's menu though. I have used it to my advantage though to get discounts and to get people to help me.
I never felt like I had a real problem mentally, but I've also always been a bit high strung (crying in stressful situations makes you look younger for sure!) and I ended up in cognitive behavioral therapy for that. It has really helped me accept my flaws and calm down about them so I can live my life. It's less like therapy and more like life hacking.
You could always move to a different country. College was great for me because I lived and worked with people from countries where it seems looking young and tiny is normal.
Of course there is also the enhancement of secondary sexual characteristics- chest for women, facial hair for men.
posted by melissam at 9:31 AM on July 4, 2007
Until almost 30, I looked like a teen. My body wasn't done growing. My shoulder were narrow (me=guy), and I was baby-faced. I was just a later bloomer. Even after I filled out (and now am a little TOO filled out) people tend to think I am younger than I am. Now, as a middle-ager, of course, I love that!
But, I did, and still sometimes do, have a problem realizing I am an adult. I like to have fun, and a lot of my tastes are usually aimed at people much younger than me.
So, focus on the positive aspects: know that having a youthful appearance will be a good thing for you in the long run.
Also, if you like to do "young" things... so what? Do them! There is a difference between being "child-like" and youthful, and being childish. (Disclaimer: I'm not advocating weed or drugs, I am talking about activities.) Don't worry about what other people think. Be who you are, do what you like.
But there seems to be a deeper level here, and that is the obsessive thinking. Regardless of what the object of obsession is, there is something triggering you to obsessive thoughts and behavior, to the point that it is making you unhappy and isolated. I too recommend therapy. I would seek a therapist who specializes in behavioral therapy before just writing you a prescription. You may be able to hone in on what triggers the obsession, and train yourself to overcome it. A behavioral therapist will give you some assignments to break you out of your pattern. Knowing you have to go back and be accountable has great motivational power.
posted by The Deej at 9:32 AM on July 4, 2007
But, I did, and still sometimes do, have a problem realizing I am an adult. I like to have fun, and a lot of my tastes are usually aimed at people much younger than me.
So, focus on the positive aspects: know that having a youthful appearance will be a good thing for you in the long run.
Also, if you like to do "young" things... so what? Do them! There is a difference between being "child-like" and youthful, and being childish. (Disclaimer: I'm not advocating weed or drugs, I am talking about activities.) Don't worry about what other people think. Be who you are, do what you like.
But there seems to be a deeper level here, and that is the obsessive thinking. Regardless of what the object of obsession is, there is something triggering you to obsessive thoughts and behavior, to the point that it is making you unhappy and isolated. I too recommend therapy. I would seek a therapist who specializes in behavioral therapy before just writing you a prescription. You may be able to hone in on what triggers the obsession, and train yourself to overcome it. A behavioral therapist will give you some assignments to break you out of your pattern. Knowing you have to go back and be accountable has great motivational power.
posted by The Deej at 9:32 AM on July 4, 2007
Yes you can actually bulk up under medical supervision (the mopes that do it themselves sometimes end up with shrivelled testes).
Whaat?
posted by tmcw at 10:11 AM on July 4, 2007
Whaat?
posted by tmcw at 10:11 AM on July 4, 2007
There seem to be two tangled-up things going on here:
1) Not feeling like an adult.
2) Being unhappy with your body.
Are you SURE that changing your body would make you feel like an adult?
Are you sure that if I gave you a pill that made you feel like an adult (without changing your body), you'd be happy with your body?
I struggle with body issues. I won't push you to seek therapy, but I'll tell you what I learned when I was in therapy:
I insisted that I couldn't get a girlfriend because I wasn't good-looking enough. My therapist insisted that wasn't my problem. She pointed out that there were plenty of hot women who dated less-hot (even ugly) men. I kept insisting that ugliness kept me from getting dates.
Eventually I realized that I was using physical appearance to hide from more difficult issues. It took me SO long to face this. My therapist insisted that focusing on my body was too easy for me. EASY? I was so depressed about the way I looked. How could it be EASY?
But she was right. I was focusing on a bad problem -- or what I perceived as a bad problem -- to avoid focusing on some worse problems. Sucky as it was not to like the way I looked, focusing on that voided me of responsibility. I couldn't change the way I looked, so it wasn't "my fault" that I was depressed. So it saved me from having to do hard work on my personality.
I promise you that if you ACT like the adult you want to be, people will see you as that adult. Maybe -- based on your physical appearance, that won't be their first impression of you, but you can override that impression.
We all have to deal with first-impression issues. I know hot guys and girls who are depressed because people assume they're stupid. That's life. Get over it. If I initially think a hot blonde is a dumb blonde, she'll change my mind when she starts quoting Shakespeare.
Maybe there are some things you can do to change your body -- at least some what. Maybe you can work on the way you dress or -- if you must get more extreme -- get some kind of plastic surgery. But my guess is that won't help you. My guess is that you'll still feel the same way inside.
If you think you can alter those inner feelings without therapy, great. I know I couldn't. I've been out of therapy for years, and it takes me about five minutes to fall into the pattern of thinking all my problems would be solved if I was just a bit better looking.
As for feeling like an adult, I'm 41 and I don't. I don't have your specific body issues. I look like an adult, but I still don't feel like one. What do you think "feeling like an adult" feels like?
I certainly feel capable of being in a relationship with a grown up (I'm 11 years into a marriage with a "hot chick!"); I certainly feel capable of holding down a job, fulfilling my responsibilities, etc. But I don't feel like an adult. I don't even know what that means. I remember what it felt like to be five. And I basically feel that way now. Luckily, it doesn't bother me the way it bothers you.
The people I know you seem to feel like adults are pretty horrible. They're the ones who, if they see you've hung a doodle over your desk at work, say, "looks like someone has too much time on his hands."
posted by grumblebee at 10:22 AM on July 4, 2007
1) Not feeling like an adult.
2) Being unhappy with your body.
Are you SURE that changing your body would make you feel like an adult?
Are you sure that if I gave you a pill that made you feel like an adult (without changing your body), you'd be happy with your body?
I struggle with body issues. I won't push you to seek therapy, but I'll tell you what I learned when I was in therapy:
I insisted that I couldn't get a girlfriend because I wasn't good-looking enough. My therapist insisted that wasn't my problem. She pointed out that there were plenty of hot women who dated less-hot (even ugly) men. I kept insisting that ugliness kept me from getting dates.
Eventually I realized that I was using physical appearance to hide from more difficult issues. It took me SO long to face this. My therapist insisted that focusing on my body was too easy for me. EASY? I was so depressed about the way I looked. How could it be EASY?
But she was right. I was focusing on a bad problem -- or what I perceived as a bad problem -- to avoid focusing on some worse problems. Sucky as it was not to like the way I looked, focusing on that voided me of responsibility. I couldn't change the way I looked, so it wasn't "my fault" that I was depressed. So it saved me from having to do hard work on my personality.
I promise you that if you ACT like the adult you want to be, people will see you as that adult. Maybe -- based on your physical appearance, that won't be their first impression of you, but you can override that impression.
We all have to deal with first-impression issues. I know hot guys and girls who are depressed because people assume they're stupid. That's life. Get over it. If I initially think a hot blonde is a dumb blonde, she'll change my mind when she starts quoting Shakespeare.
Maybe there are some things you can do to change your body -- at least some what. Maybe you can work on the way you dress or -- if you must get more extreme -- get some kind of plastic surgery. But my guess is that won't help you. My guess is that you'll still feel the same way inside.
If you think you can alter those inner feelings without therapy, great. I know I couldn't. I've been out of therapy for years, and it takes me about five minutes to fall into the pattern of thinking all my problems would be solved if I was just a bit better looking.
As for feeling like an adult, I'm 41 and I don't. I don't have your specific body issues. I look like an adult, but I still don't feel like one. What do you think "feeling like an adult" feels like?
I certainly feel capable of being in a relationship with a grown up (I'm 11 years into a marriage with a "hot chick!"); I certainly feel capable of holding down a job, fulfilling my responsibilities, etc. But I don't feel like an adult. I don't even know what that means. I remember what it felt like to be five. And I basically feel that way now. Luckily, it doesn't bother me the way it bothers you.
The people I know you seem to feel like adults are pretty horrible. They're the ones who, if they see you've hung a doodle over your desk at work, say, "looks like someone has too much time on his hands."
posted by grumblebee at 10:22 AM on July 4, 2007
I should clarify that when I said, "if you act like an adult, people will see you as an adult," I meant that people will see you that way if you can CONFIDENTLY act like an adult. To do that, you either have to feel like an adult inside or you have to feel like "I can be whatever I want to be."
If you feel like, "I could only feel that way if I had a different body," I suspect you're fooling yourself. It's deeper than that.
As for my claim that less-attractive guys can find hot wives and girlfriends, I'm not claiming that women don't care about appearance.
Sure, they do. That's ONE thing they care about. I know hot guys who can't have a meaningful relationship because they're assholes or because they're shallow or lack confidence or their stupid or whatever.
Everyone has something (or some things) that aren't perfect about them. Allowing one thing to kill your social life is like saying, "I don't like hamburgers, so I guess I should never eat at McDonalds." They have other things on the menu.
Especially as women get older and mature, they tend to rank looks a bit lower in what they're looking for in a mate. Sure, there will always be some women who only want Brad Pitt. They won't date you. Get over it. There are billions of other women who are less shallow.
posted by grumblebee at 10:31 AM on July 4, 2007
If you feel like, "I could only feel that way if I had a different body," I suspect you're fooling yourself. It's deeper than that.
As for my claim that less-attractive guys can find hot wives and girlfriends, I'm not claiming that women don't care about appearance.
Sure, they do. That's ONE thing they care about. I know hot guys who can't have a meaningful relationship because they're assholes or because they're shallow or lack confidence or their stupid or whatever.
Everyone has something (or some things) that aren't perfect about them. Allowing one thing to kill your social life is like saying, "I don't like hamburgers, so I guess I should never eat at McDonalds." They have other things on the menu.
Especially as women get older and mature, they tend to rank looks a bit lower in what they're looking for in a mate. Sure, there will always be some women who only want Brad Pitt. They won't date you. Get over it. There are billions of other women who are less shallow.
posted by grumblebee at 10:31 AM on July 4, 2007
Why can't you do therapy? There are sliding scales if you can't afford it. If you've had a bad experience in the past, there are other therapists - I had a bad experience too. If you don't have time... there are therapists with late hours, or make time. You *can* do therapy, you just don't want to for some reason.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:32 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by IndigoRain at 10:32 AM on July 4, 2007
Sorry to keep posting, but I thought of one more thing about me that might apply to you.
I never admit this, and I'm totally embarrassed to admit this here, but for similar reasons to yours, it was always really important to me to date/marry a hot chick. I wasn't shallow. I wasn't only attracted to girls like that, but I felt if I could just get one to like me, I'd feel better about myself.
I got very lucky. I found one (who also turned out to be smart and well-suited to me). And it wasn't just luck. It was the result of work I did in therapy.
But it didn't help one bit. Well, I am more confident now, and of course it's great to find love. But I still feel ugly. Maybe if I had thousands of hot chicks throwing themselves at me every minute, I'd feel differently. But even then, I suspect the minute they stopped, I would go back to feeling ugly. If you need constant affirmation, there's something you're not dealing with.
I should add that this was a total surprised to me. When I wasn't with the hot chick, I was convinced that being with one would solve all my problems.
Even the most beautiful people eventually get old and wrinkled. Let's hope they've dealt with some basic self-confidence issues so they don't become incredibly depressed when this happens.
And my hot chick wife struggles with similar issues. She turns heads on the street, but she's continually unhappy with her body.
For both of us, these feelings stem from junk that's deep within us. I plan to go back to therapy at some point.
posted by grumblebee at 10:39 AM on July 4, 2007
I never admit this, and I'm totally embarrassed to admit this here, but for similar reasons to yours, it was always really important to me to date/marry a hot chick. I wasn't shallow. I wasn't only attracted to girls like that, but I felt if I could just get one to like me, I'd feel better about myself.
I got very lucky. I found one (who also turned out to be smart and well-suited to me). And it wasn't just luck. It was the result of work I did in therapy.
But it didn't help one bit. Well, I am more confident now, and of course it's great to find love. But I still feel ugly. Maybe if I had thousands of hot chicks throwing themselves at me every minute, I'd feel differently. But even then, I suspect the minute they stopped, I would go back to feeling ugly. If you need constant affirmation, there's something you're not dealing with.
I should add that this was a total surprised to me. When I wasn't with the hot chick, I was convinced that being with one would solve all my problems.
Even the most beautiful people eventually get old and wrinkled. Let's hope they've dealt with some basic self-confidence issues so they don't become incredibly depressed when this happens.
And my hot chick wife struggles with similar issues. She turns heads on the street, but she's continually unhappy with her body.
For both of us, these feelings stem from junk that's deep within us. I plan to go back to therapy at some point.
posted by grumblebee at 10:39 AM on July 4, 2007
or hook me up with a hot wife.
It's typical to believe that someone else can fix all your problems (a hot wife). It won't happen. These are your problems inside your head that are caused by the way you view yourself. You need to get therapy so that you can fix this.
posted by koshka at 12:35 PM on July 4, 2007
It's typical to believe that someone else can fix all your problems (a hot wife). It won't happen. These are your problems inside your head that are caused by the way you view yourself. You need to get therapy so that you can fix this.
posted by koshka at 12:35 PM on July 4, 2007
I've always wanted to be one of those people who doesn't give a rip what others think. To date, I'm still trying not to care, but I'm here to tell you, unless you're severely depressed or suicidal, you're bound to care less about what others think as a matter of course as you get older.
I've always looked younger, too, and it's a pain in the ass. One of the most annoying things about it is that everybody says, Oh, I'd kill to look fifteen years younger! Aren't you lucky! I've always wanted to tell those people to go get fucked, because they have no idea what they're talking about. Although they're probably just trying to say something nice to make you cheer up. People do tend to treat you more dismissively (especially in the work place, I find) if you look young. It can be exhausting to be having to prove yourself constantly. I know all about this.
Now that I'm an old lady in my forties, though, it's a kick when younger guys give me the eye. And women love young-looking men as well. Honey, believe me, young is good. And the other thing is, the older you get, the more you will age. It is inevitable. If you're lucky enough to reach 85, you're not going to look like a teenager. You might look like a 60-year old, but you're not going to look like a kid forever.
Life does change. I didn't believe that as a kid. One of the hallmarks of profound depression is the failure to realize that things do change and, often, improve. I think you're stuck because you don't realize that your looks, and your life, will change--and probably before you know it.
So I think you may be depressed. I was, when I had beliefs like yours. Another thing that's kind of a red flag is your obsession with something that seems minor, as others have noted. Objectively you probably know that it's a bit ridiculous to become severely depressed because you look young. Nevertheless, you're really in pain and I believe that.
I'd go with the advice of those who mentioned cognitive therapy as something that might hold the key for you. When you change your beliefs, you change your whole life.
The self-help approach of Albert Ellis could be helpful to you. His premise is that it's our mistaken beliefs about ourselves and what we're owed by others that cause us pain. Change your belief that your good feelings about yourself should come from validation by others, and suddenly you have so much more power. It's an approach that uses logical thought to combat excessive emotional pain brought about by mistaken beliefs about oneself and the world.
posted by frosty_hut at 12:59 PM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
I've always looked younger, too, and it's a pain in the ass. One of the most annoying things about it is that everybody says, Oh, I'd kill to look fifteen years younger! Aren't you lucky! I've always wanted to tell those people to go get fucked, because they have no idea what they're talking about. Although they're probably just trying to say something nice to make you cheer up. People do tend to treat you more dismissively (especially in the work place, I find) if you look young. It can be exhausting to be having to prove yourself constantly. I know all about this.
Now that I'm an old lady in my forties, though, it's a kick when younger guys give me the eye. And women love young-looking men as well. Honey, believe me, young is good. And the other thing is, the older you get, the more you will age. It is inevitable. If you're lucky enough to reach 85, you're not going to look like a teenager. You might look like a 60-year old, but you're not going to look like a kid forever.
Life does change. I didn't believe that as a kid. One of the hallmarks of profound depression is the failure to realize that things do change and, often, improve. I think you're stuck because you don't realize that your looks, and your life, will change--and probably before you know it.
So I think you may be depressed. I was, when I had beliefs like yours. Another thing that's kind of a red flag is your obsession with something that seems minor, as others have noted. Objectively you probably know that it's a bit ridiculous to become severely depressed because you look young. Nevertheless, you're really in pain and I believe that.
I'd go with the advice of those who mentioned cognitive therapy as something that might hold the key for you. When you change your beliefs, you change your whole life.
The self-help approach of Albert Ellis could be helpful to you. His premise is that it's our mistaken beliefs about ourselves and what we're owed by others that cause us pain. Change your belief that your good feelings about yourself should come from validation by others, and suddenly you have so much more power. It's an approach that uses logical thought to combat excessive emotional pain brought about by mistaken beliefs about oneself and the world.
posted by frosty_hut at 12:59 PM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
It's typical to believe that someone else can fix all your problems (a hot wife therapist).
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:06 PM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:06 PM on July 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
It's typical to believe that someone else can fix all your problems (a hot wife therapist).
A GOOD therapist nips such thoughts in the bud right away, because he won't try to solve your problems. He'll help you solve them yourself.
posted by grumblebee at 1:23 PM on July 4, 2007
A GOOD therapist nips such thoughts in the bud right away, because he won't try to solve your problems. He'll help you solve them yourself.
posted by grumblebee at 1:23 PM on July 4, 2007
Did you miss something?
You need to get therapy so that you can fix this.
Have you not had therapy before? They don't go in your life making all the changes for you. And good luck marrying a hot chick who finds depressed men with insecurities hot. Oh, but the second you meet her all your insecurities and poor self-image will disappear completely, right? Cause that's the solution, right?
posted by koshka at 2:04 PM on July 4, 2007
You need to get therapy so that you can fix this.
Have you not had therapy before? They don't go in your life making all the changes for you. And good luck marrying a hot chick who finds depressed men with insecurities hot. Oh, but the second you meet her all your insecurities and poor self-image will disappear completely, right? Cause that's the solution, right?
posted by koshka at 2:04 PM on July 4, 2007
I've always looked young for my age too. I'm 26 now, and I almost always get carded when I buy lottery tickets or booze at the liquor store (strangely not at bars though) and people usually think I'm a teenager. When I was trying to buy my apartment, the co-op board almost refused to believe I was older than 15. I am really short and I have to buy my shoes in the children's department. And for the last two years, I have been wearing braces. And I've had terrible acne since I was 12. It can be a pain in the neck sometimes, and it can feel pretty crappy to feel like people don't take you seriously.
But I've chosen to carry myself with much more confidence than I actually feel, and I just try to remember that most people are able to go beyond the superficial and find out all the other traits that make up a person. You seem to be fine at work, because you're probably focused on your job. Outside of work, just focus on all your other attributes, throw yourself into what you are really passionate about, and you'll find other people who you can communicate with. Starting online is probably a good idea - I've met some good friends online through dating sites. Social networking sites could also be a good way to meet people just as friends.
But if you want to take some kind of prescription medication, you'd need to see a therapist of some kind for at least a couple of visits. It's not a good idea to take those kinds of meds without some kind of physician support.
Just try not to think about what you look like. If you're always thinking about it, that's what other people will end up focusing on too. So think about something else.
posted by eggplantia5 at 9:38 PM on July 4, 2007
But I've chosen to carry myself with much more confidence than I actually feel, and I just try to remember that most people are able to go beyond the superficial and find out all the other traits that make up a person. You seem to be fine at work, because you're probably focused on your job. Outside of work, just focus on all your other attributes, throw yourself into what you are really passionate about, and you'll find other people who you can communicate with. Starting online is probably a good idea - I've met some good friends online through dating sites. Social networking sites could also be a good way to meet people just as friends.
But if you want to take some kind of prescription medication, you'd need to see a therapist of some kind for at least a couple of visits. It's not a good idea to take those kinds of meds without some kind of physician support.
Just try not to think about what you look like. If you're always thinking about it, that's what other people will end up focusing on too. So think about something else.
posted by eggplantia5 at 9:38 PM on July 4, 2007
I've always looked very young for my age too. I can't say it isn't ever a drag... for example, in my profession (attorney) it can be tough to convince potential clients that I have enough experience and convince other attorneys to take me seriously.
But I try not to sweat it too much. I find the more confidence I have in myself and the more I project to others, the more I am treated as just another adult.
I used to feel very self-conscious about being so skinny and so youthful-looking. Now I tell myself that I'm lucky that I have such a healthy body. When I'm older I will be very grateful that my body is aging slower than others.
Drugs certainly are not the answer... in fact they keep you more immature mentally, if not physically.
posted by mahamandarava at 11:49 PM on July 5, 2007
But I try not to sweat it too much. I find the more confidence I have in myself and the more I project to others, the more I am treated as just another adult.
I used to feel very self-conscious about being so skinny and so youthful-looking. Now I tell myself that I'm lucky that I have such a healthy body. When I'm older I will be very grateful that my body is aging slower than others.
Drugs certainly are not the answer... in fact they keep you more immature mentally, if not physically.
posted by mahamandarava at 11:49 PM on July 5, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by violetk at 1:37 AM on July 4, 2007