how important is body type when it comes to attraction?

July 3, 2007 5:19 AM

are super fit guys into girls with normal bodies? are guys who literally look abercombie + fitch models attracted to girls who don't spend a couple hours a day, every day, at the gym?

a friend of mine recently put up a profile on an online dating site. in her profile, she has a great close up shot of her face and another picture of her body at the beach in a tank top and shorts at medium range. these pictures are recent and look like her. guys we know have invariably described her as being cute or hot.

because she looks about ten years younger than she actually is, she usually gets asked out by the younger set, but usually tries not to date anyone younger than 5-7 years in age difference. so she gets an email from a guy on the site who is 11 years younger. in addition to the huge age difference, the guy, while really attractive isn't her usual type. but he sounds normal and can string together sentences (which, all of you who have dated online know what i am talking about here that is so impressive) so she decides to see what's what over instant messenger. which they've been doing over the past several days and it sounds like they've really hit it off in a big way. based on her pictures, he's told her repeatedly that he thinks she's pretty/cute/hot, etc and that her personality "seals the deal." in fact, their first date is this coming weekend.

so now she is freaking out. because he looks like he belongs on this site. and while she eats healthily, is active and enjoys outdoor sports (hiking, surfing, snowboarding, horseback riding, etc), her appearances at the gym aren't consistent. he's told her he doesn't really have a "type" but did admit that he liked "girls who are fit" and aren't into BBW types. she just looks like someone who falls into her weight category for her height, but now she's worried that she won't be "fit" enough for him. normally ppl just assume that she is petite because she's short—even ppl who know her—but she's afraid that because this guy spends so much time working on his body, he might be more critical and/or realistic in his assessment of hers.

anyway, so yeah, all the girl friends are now curious…what's up guys (particularly you who have bodies like his)? in one of my previous posts it's already been discussed that if a guy isn't physically attracted, than it doesn't matter how awesome the girl is, he's just not going to be into her. is it disappointing if a girl doesn't have an awesome body? will the fact that he thinks everything else is great be attraction enough?

posted by violetk to Human Relations (50 answers total)

I think your friend is worrying unnecessarily. If he has said he finds her attractive and wants to meet her (having seen her pictures) then he must at least find her attractive enough to consider pursuing her.

It's also likely that he is looking beyond merely the purely physical and considering the "package" as a whole.
posted by gadha at 5:28 AM on July 3, 2007

Yes.

And some guys just look like that naturally -- the product of a high metabolism and an active lifestyle. One of my friends, who has a two year old daughter, is dating a guy in Navy officer school who swims four miles a day... he's ripped. She's got a "mommy-body" -- her words, not mine.

Attraction has many levels, and I've been very physically attracted to girls who were just plain HEALTHY ... and very NOT attracted to some of the female gym rats that I share the place I work out with. Girls are -supposed- to be soft and cuddly, not all hard edges and ribs.
posted by SpecialK at 5:30 AM on July 3, 2007

There's no rule for "all hot guys like X" just like there's no rule for "all guys like X" (or whatever). If there's chemistry, there's chemistry. Your friend's appearance seems to meet this particular guy's standards, so that's one data point for you.

In general, yes, it seems that more conventionally attractive guys will probably go for more conventionally attractive girls, but there's a broad spectrum of "attractive" and everyone's got their own preferences.

Forgive the snark, but I gotta say: what are you really hoping to achieve here? The guy is getting it right so far: into your friend's personality, not focusing on any "type," and you're all "no! you must be fixated on appearance! you must like only 100-lb busty blondes!" If you're curious about this guy, just get to know him for who he is.
posted by AV at 5:31 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

While you're right that a guy's looks have a lot to do with his own standards for women, there is a definite difference between the threshold for just getting on a girl vs seriously investing an emotional/monetary commitment.

Don't take time invested as an indicator of whether it is the former or latter, either. Remember, we are notorious for spending ridiculous amounts of time on fruitless endeavors like sports, video games, etc. Don't think wooing girls is any exception to that list.
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 5:32 AM on July 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

A healthy, confident, intelligent girl is generally attractive to anyone.
posted by mateuslee at 5:34 AM on July 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

IANA man, but I often see superfit men accompanied by women with normal body shape. It is also pretty common to see superfit men with slightly overweight girlfriends. My male friend- bodybuilder said that it is not important for him at all whether his girlfriend looks superfit or not.

As for the very idea of attractiveness, if the guy would not like your friend for what she is, what's the point of being with this guy?
posted by ivanka at 5:45 AM on July 3, 2007

On the other side of things, sometimes these guys unconsciously gravitate toward less perfect people with less self-confidence, which is more of a guarantee that the girl will become his devoted slave and forgive him anything. Such guys tend to be deadly boring in bed as well, as they know their hotness makes them an object of desire and entitles them to be completely satisfied by the other person.

But, you know, all of this will be figured out one way or another when she actually MEETS him.
posted by hermitosis at 5:56 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

@mateuslee - speaking as a guy, you're absolutely right. :-)

But I second the general notion that since the guy has already invested some time and interest in your friend, that that is a good signal that he's not looking specifically for a Barbie-body-type, and is genuinely interested in her based on their conversations and interactions. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he can look for something more than skin-deep.
posted by angry.polymath at 6:06 AM on July 3, 2007

i'm a man, pretty fit. do a lot of bike riding and some weight training. people generally describe me as being pretty fit. 6'1, 200 lbs.

my wife weighs more then i do. always had. like your friend, i met her online--partly so i could develop an idea of her relationship (and hers of mine) long before we ever met. she's an editor, so the ability to write and communicate were pretty important to her--and the intellect that she displayed was pretty damn attractive to me.

we met, we dated, we married. working on five years now. to the best of my knowledge, she has never weighed less then i do.
posted by lester at 6:19 AM on July 3, 2007

It varies person to person. Seriously.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:21 AM on July 3, 2007

Think about this for a minute: do you tend to radically change the sorts of people you're attracted to? Probably not all that often. So even if I guy works really hard on his body, that's not likely to change his mindset about what sort of women he's attracted to. Why should super-fit guys -- unless they were born that way -- be any different than any other guys?
posted by grumblebee at 6:32 AM on July 3, 2007

In my experience, it kind of depends whether the guy was always hot, or whether he was a late bloomer (chubby kid who started working out in college, etc.). The late bloomers don't seem to have as many hang-ups about others' appearances because they remember all too well what it was like to be the geek/outcast/"fat" kid.

In your specific case, I agree with others that if this guy doesn't find your friend attractive in person, he's not compatible with her anyway, so why worry?
posted by desjardins at 6:39 AM on July 3, 2007

I knew a guy who WAS an Abercrombie model, sweetest guy in the world, but not so much in the conversation department. So your friend should just not worry about herself and see if the compatibility is there.
posted by sweetkid at 6:41 AM on July 3, 2007

I've dated a personal trainer, and a landscape artist who was a free climber (you know those guys who climb sheer rock faces with nearly no protective gear). Both were seriously ripped and very attractive. I am also very attractive, but I weigh over 250lbs. Peoples attractions are mysterious and beautiful.
posted by kimdog at 6:51 AM on July 3, 2007

This is the problem with online dating. You think it a substitute for a the first few dates. Its not. Its just a way to meet someone to get started on those first few dates. Photos and chat logs are meaningless as well as strange obsessions over fitness. Tell her to get off the computer and meet him somewhere and see where this goes. You cant predict the future and that goes doubly so for online.

This sounds borderline OCD to me. Go out already.

all the girl friends are now curious…what's up guys (particularly you who have bodies like his)?

This is absolutely no hard and fast rule for men (3 billion and counting). Some are shallow snobs, most arent. Don't let this manufactured fear stop you from enjoying life.
posted by damn dirty ape at 6:55 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I used to be a pudgy guy who was into women who look remarkably like my wife. Now I'm an average-build guy who is into women who look remarkably like my wife. In a few years I hope to be a particularly fit, athletic guy who is into women who look remarkably like my wife.
posted by mendel at 7:01 AM on July 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

This question has no answer.
posted by OmieWise at 7:16 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

In my observational experience, most men who match that description are gay. So, no.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:21 AM on July 3, 2007

how important is body type when it comes to attraction?

It's very extremely important. But that does not mean fit people only find other fit people attractive. A lot of folks have racial preferences too, but that doesn't stop inter-racial couples from getting together everyday.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 7:29 AM on July 3, 2007

as a guy who is not an abercrombie model but maintains a fairly active lifestyle, I would say that "I like girls who are fit" as code for, "hey, I bike, hike, climb, etc. and can keep with me or encourage me to go further."

my girlfriend is not Victoria Secret thin (to turn the analogy around), but I still find her gorgeous and attractive, and the fact that we alternate planning for various adventures (this year is to ride 1200km in the 2007 Paris-Brest-Paris, next year is to safari in Tanzania) is something for which I am eternally grateful.
posted by bl1nk at 7:31 AM on July 3, 2007

I agree with mateuslee. Confidence, especially, is always very attractive.

While your friend is having a minor freak out, maybe this guy is as well. Maybe he is wondering if she is just interested in him for his looks/body?

Assuming he is only going to be attracted to a certain type of woman, based solely on his appearance is rather unfair.

Tell your friend to relax, take a deep breath, and give him a chance. And be herself.
posted by socrateaser at 7:37 AM on July 3, 2007

Woman answering here...

I find that men tend to find a broader range of women attractive than most women would assume. Women tend to think that attractive=skinnymini, since this is the image presented to us in advertising, fashion magazines, etc. Some men find this look attractive, but far more do not, and prefer more women who are shaped like women instead of skinny boys.

Random data points:
I've watched the Miss Universe contest with men (men who are attracted to women) who have described some of the contestants as "eewww, you can see her ribs". If you go to a strip club, you will notice a range of body types, including a fair number of rounded tummies, flat chests, big boobs, cellulite, flabby upper arms, and big butts. I saw a burlesque show no, these aren't at the strip clubs where one of the performers weighed more than any of the men there, and at least 1/4 of those men were completely enthralled by her performance.

What is the top thing that men find unattractive about womens' bodies? The way women sometimes pick on themselves ... this bit is too big, this bit is too small. Men don't tend to see women that way, and if they focus on a particular body part it is usually in a 'wow' sort of way (your classic butt man, leg man, breast man).

Rant: I hate it when women try to bond over griping about body parts they "hate". It's your body, and it lets you run and jump and dance and post on metafilter without needing to use a mouthstick. Quit doing this with your friends and you will all stress a lot less about how men see you, and feel much better about yourselves. /rant

is it disappointing if a girl doesn't have an awesome body?
He thinks she's got an awesome body. She should go on the date with confidence that he thinks she's hawt.
posted by yohko at 7:41 AM on July 3, 2007 [6 favorites]

It's not just about body shape. There is so much more.

For me, elegant is the best kind of sexy.
posted by 4ster at 7:51 AM on July 3, 2007

And I should add, that while I am no A/F model, I am 36 and within 5 pounds of the same weight I was when I was a high school athelete.
posted by 4ster at 7:52 AM on July 3, 2007

"hyper-fit guys don't belong with girls who aren't" is a general association that most of us have that isn't grounded in fact.

For example-- I was waiting to check in for my honeymoon flight, and in the next line over was another couple waiting to check in to their flight. The man was a really muscled, bristle-skulled guy who looked like he he was a Nazi olympian from "Triumph of the Will." His new wife could only be described as dumpy-- not only a bit overweight (which is not nearly enough to be described as "dumpy"), but sporting a terrible muffin-top from her too-tight jeans and too-clingy tank top. And she was bra-less and dangling in an unflattering manner.

Why do I still remember this nearly two years later? Because they didn't look like they belonged together. And I've seen lots of other counter-examples, but the "fit with fit" stereotype still prevails.

But it's not true. The bride I saw was definitely in worse healh than your friend, but Johnny Teutonic had just married her. So tell her not to sweat it. People assess partners with lots of criteria beyod their fitness level.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:53 AM on July 3, 2007

Well, like someone above said, there is no definite answer.

However, if it helps, I am friends with an American Eagle model who most definitely likes softer, cute girls rather than the uber fit ones that he sees most of the time.
posted by Loto at 8:00 AM on July 3, 2007

By the way, when I was visiting rural Montana, I was really astounded at the relationship dynamics I saw between the sexes.

Most of the young guys were beautifully muscular and tanned from doing farmwork. Their girlfriends had a more sturdy, well-fed look, and appeared to have learned how to do their hair and makeup without the use of mirrors or strong light.

In other words, most of the couples seemed very lopsided, atttractiveness-wise. Based on bullshit standards, I know, but still. Gorgeous, healthy, beautiful young men paired with wilted, porky, unfashionable women.

What's funny is that the women seemed to sense how good they had it-- they seemed to have a very watchful, territorial air about them as they hung all over their bronzed god of a boyfriend. The guys, of course, seemed totally oblivious to it though. I'm sure they're getting everything they think they need.
posted by hermitosis at 8:14 AM on July 3, 2007 [3 favorites]

A healthy, confident, intelligent girl is generally attractive to anyone.

This isn't so. Some people are only attracted to certain builds, hair colors, personality (and I'm not talking "good", I mean bubbly vs. demure vs. outgoing vs. bookish, etc.), and that's not necessarily bad. One of the only things you can be sure of is that if someone is preoccupied with whether or not others think they themselves are attractive they will most likely be attracted to someone who they think will look good next to them. I hope neither your friend nor the AB model is like that, and there's no indication that either is, but if it doesn't click then it doesn't click.
posted by monkeymadness at 8:37 AM on July 3, 2007

Really simple.
You've idealized him in your online crush. Possibly he's done the same with you.

Damn Dirty Ape nailed it: All of that goes out the window until you've actually met. You're trying to substitute meeting someone in person, for meeting them online.

Online, we have time, can practice, spellcheck, sound erudite, and pick the best picture they've ever had taken. In person, people are awkward and not perfect. They stumble, stutter and have idiosyncrasies.

Go meet him. But keep your feelings on the shelf until after.
posted by filmgeek at 8:38 AM on July 3, 2007

I have been out with guys who spend hours at the gym some days.... I on the other hand eat junk for many hours of the day. I am slim, but that is my genetics, I eat enough to be the size of a small horse.

Your friend should meet him; unfortunately it is hard to be attracted to just a personality (wouldn't life be earier it you could be), but if he has already seen pictures of her, then he obviously like what he sees to be taking it futher. Give the man a chance....
posted by spotty_dog at 8:47 AM on July 3, 2007

well, i am no model. but i am pretty dang fit (5'11", 165 pounds, 13% body fat).

and well, i gotta say. women are supposed to be soft and curvy. its better for a woman to have a little extra fat than not enough.

i look for women who are 'healthy,' mentally and physically. for the most part that means 15-22 percent body fat, decent skin, hair, and teeth, a little bit of muscles, decent relationship with daddy, and a smile on her face.

if she smiles and is sweet, i will easily overlook a little muffintop.

but thats just me.
posted by kneelconqueso at 8:54 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

she has no way of knowing what to expect. many girls use BBW online as a euphemism for morbidly obese. it could be that he's just saying if you are twice your height in width, it's not going to happen because I am not. it could be that he's attracted to women as active as he is and that she doesn't fit the bill for him. there is only one way to find out.

look, most people look for a reflection of themselves. there are only very few of those who are actually looking for something different - mainly because that can end up being a real challenge (that's how comedies get made).

it's a game of hit and miss. she cannot game it.
posted by krautland at 9:02 AM on July 3, 2007

I'm a gym rat and pretty fit. I have dated some women who were very fit and some who were not. For me, it wasn't so much about how their body looked. But I absolutely placed some importance on certain aspects of their lifestyle that may or may not have determined how their body looked. Let me explain.

You may not have a super-fit body, but if you work out or play sports, then we can work out and play sports together. Big plus. Besides there's nothing I want to do more after working out with you then fuck you silly.

You may not have a super-fit body, but if you work out or play sports you show a commitment to doing something active for the betterment of yourself that takes hard work and dedication. Big plus. Just like I would be interested in someone who spends free time studying music or a language or reading to better their mind, I would appreciate someone who pushes themselves to improve physically.

You may not have a super-fit body, but if we are going to be in a long-term relationship, I want to be with someone who makes every effort to be healthy, so as to decrease the chances that you are going to die early and leave me a widower.

You may not have a super-fit body, but I do my best to look good for you and reciprocation would at least be appreciated.
posted by vito90 at 9:22 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

Find a newspaper, open to the marriage/anniversary announcements page, look at the pictures, gawk in awe at the range of people who, presumably, manage to get it on with one another.

Also consider that when one picks one's most flattering photo for posting, that one is not alone...perhaps his photo is five years out of date...so save the OMG you look like an Abercrombie boy!!!111!! for after you meet in person.
posted by anaelith at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2007

Don't most fit men spend more time looking at themselves?
posted by A189Nut at 9:39 AM on July 3, 2007

You know, I once thought I was going on a date with a slim, boyish 30 year old, based on photos (probably left over from his undergrad years) and emails, and the guy ended up being about 30+ pounds overweight/out of shape, and towards the second half of his 40s. The only accurate part of his physical description was "Asian."

Damn dirty ape wins the thread. Just tell her she's pretty enough, smart enough, blah blah blah and go on the damn date already. There's plenty of other dealbreakers possible--in either direction--beyond physical appearance. This is indeed bordering on OCD, or at the very least, sheer mindlessness.
posted by availablelight at 9:46 AM on July 3, 2007

I hate to be the one guy who chimes in here with the shallow answer, but I would say as a general rule it's fair to assume that guys are generally attracted to girls who are about the same level of attractiveness as they are, or a higher level, but very rarely lower. This isn't to say there is a rule saying that--obviously individual taste is individual--but I would certainly lean toward assuming that than assuming an attractive guy is going to have no problem dating an unattractive (or less attractive) girl.

Sure, it's true, you see great looking guys with not-so-great looking girls, but it's relatively rare, and if you ask me, that guy has done--or is bound to do, at some point--at lot of superficial soul-searching (what an oxymoron, eh?) over whether the personality of that girl makes up for the fact that he could probably do a lot better in the looks department.
posted by jckll at 9:56 AM on July 3, 2007

"Fit" is usually a euphemism for "not fat" on dating sites. If he likes "fit" women, he doesn't necessarily like gym bunnies or scrawny model-types, but he probably does want someone who weighs less than him.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2007

Why work on predicting what will happen when you can't do so anyway? People are so different. There is no class of "model hot people" who all think the same way. Some don't care. Some do. A friend of mine, who is regular guy looking and tall only likes BBW types.

I think it would be best if you tell your friend that there are all different types and that some are going to dig each kind of person.

Plus, I'd be shocked if everyone here didn't have a "he/she wasn't my type, but . . ." story. Mine involved feeling attracted to a flirty married boss with elephant man's disease. For real. I couldn't believe it myself. She was a player with elephant man's disease.

The first date's all about having fun.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:38 AM on July 3, 2007

He's on the same dating site and has asked to meet her. It really isn't a problem.
posted by Lionel d'Lion at 10:48 AM on July 3, 2007

Guy here - pretty fit -

The most attractive thing I find in a potential mate is confidence. Therefore, the least attractive thing I find in a mate is when she complains about some part of her body. That's gotta be almost as bad as some guys bragging about parts of their body.

I work at a forge part time and the torch instructor is a woman. She's physically fit, but she's about two of me. And last week she came into the smithy to make fun of us while we were forge welding and I made some stupid comment and she looked me straight in the eye and told me that she could, would and has broken men twice my size in half, if she didn't just let it rest with a good spanking.

Sweet lord god I just about passed out.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:35 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

If he's a nice, genuine guy, then he's probably being straight when he says he finds her attractive.

But if he's a narcissist (as many bodybuilding types are), he may not want the competition an equally fit, toned and physically perfect woman would be to his ego.
posted by essexjan at 12:50 PM on July 3, 2007

most men have a pretty wide range of body types that are attracted to, and if they are fixated on one type they are either extremely shallow or fetishists...and I hope if she finds her date is one of those two she discards him immediately.
posted by spacefire at 1:30 PM on July 3, 2007

Here is a picture of my friend (ex) and me. He is the one with no shirt on. I have a normal body, he is very fit. He loved my curves, I hated his diet.
posted by kudzu at 1:32 PM on July 3, 2007

Men can surprise you in the most wonderful ways. Honestly, it is usually women who are the most critical when it comes to our figures. Just check out the thread with the plastic surgery and you'll see all the great posts from MeFi men (admittedly an superior sampling) about natural vs. augmented figures.

This guy is probably just as nervous about their first date as she is, for entirely different reasons. Relax and enjoy the connection, if there is one, and don't over-analyze so much. Those initial, shy, unsure-of-where-this-is-going days can make the most fun memories.
posted by misha at 3:49 PM on July 3, 2007

1. There is no way for us to know what body types this mysterious guy is attracted to.

2. If your friend wants to do the online dating thing, she should not be "freaking out" before any first date. Either it goes well or it doesn't. There's nothing Metafilter can do to ameliorate this situation.
posted by jejune at 6:11 PM on July 3, 2007

Hey, you referenced my comment! :)

I'm not exactly sure what the question is, because you asked a few overlapping ones: Are ripped guys only into ripped girls? Is body shape important? If so, how important? I think I'll concentrate on the first.

I lthink the standout answer is that it varies from person to person.

Speaking for myself only, I'm not exactly A&F material, but I do get at least 10 hours/week of reasonably vigorous exercise (a combination of cycle commuting & martial arts classes), which I supplement - in good weeks - with up to around 5 hours of weights and/or cardio work in the gym, or lap swimming.

I couldn't say I have any strong particular 'type', but I think a tendency to take care of oneself through exercise creates - in me, at least - an expectation that a partner would do similar, but not necessarily to the same extent. She woudn't need to be skinny & ripped, but a bit of muscle tone is very nice - "a skinny cow is only ever a skinny cow, not a gazelle".

Having a bit of strength & tone feeds into a general image of healthiness, which is quite appealing, probably partly through evolutionary biology. I'm not sure I could be into somebody who never exercises, and I think vito90 explains this attitude pretty well. Combine this kind of healthy muscle tone with appropriate curves, and that would be a winner in my books :)
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:45 PM on July 3, 2007

ok:

a) not to be all "Whatever" or whatever, but she needs to seriously just be herself. Guys don't like girls that are self conscious about themselves. They like Women that accept their bodies and love themselves. And if the guy's not a dick, he'll like her for who she is - "mommy body" and all.

b) most guys I've dated that have those bodies are dicks.

YFMMV*

(your friend's miles may vary)
posted by damnjezebel at 8:33 PM on July 3, 2007

kneelconqueso: it's not just you.

some good advice here... being confident about your body, no matter what shape it is, will guarantee a better result than any "what if he doesn't like my knees" fears.
posted by softlord at 6:04 AM on July 4, 2007

Response by poster: thanks everyone. these are great answers—this actually made me feel better about myself as well! i'll print out and show her. she's normally very self-confident but because she's never been interested in—much less dated—a model-y type, i think it just threw her.
posted by violetk at 12:01 PM on July 5, 2007