My wife doesn't love me.
May 9, 2007 8:11 AM Subscribe
My wife doesn't love me how do I cope?
posted by tr45vbyt to human relations (73 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
A little background on me: I’m in my late 30s and in my second marriage. I have three kids from a previous marriage. I’m independently wealthy. I am very perfectionist (although struggle not to be). Growing up I was always the “golden child”. I always had straight A’s, was very popular, and excelled at everything I did. I was always very respectful to others, and my siblings, parents and grandparents always treated me like I could do no wrong. I am still very close (talking many times a week) with everyone in my family.
A little background on my wife: Same age as I. Two kids from a previous marriage (husband was not a nice guy). She was struggling financially when we met. She has such a good heart. She is stunningly gorgeous. She struggled a little more than I growing up. She’s not as close to her parents or siblings as I am. She always felt that growing up her parents didn’t like her that much and favored her siblings. I think that she is very insecure, but she does not agree.
My wife and I got married about five years ago. We have two children together.
My first marriage (4 years) ended after my wife left me (for someone else). I do not think that my first wife ever really loved me. She was insecure and stayed with me because of that. When someone better came along (it actually didn’t work out in the end but now she has a husband who I must admit is quite incredible) she left me, and did so very coldly and hurtfully.
Since almost the beginning of my second marriage I have felt at times that my wife does not really love me. I see this in so many ways during those times: The way she looks at me; the way she talks to me; the way she blames me for everything; the way she never just comes up and touches me. She is by no means a gold digger and did not marry me for my money, but I often think that if it wasn’t for her insecurities and what I am able to provide, she would never have married me and she would not stay married to me.
She tries very hard to be good to me. But it is obvious that she has to struggle to be so. During the times when she’s able to act like she loves me I feel so good inside. But during the other times I just feel so bad.
It has started to affect me very deeply. I find myself just all of the sudden crying at times (at home, at work, in the car). At other times I just feel so angry at my wife for not loving me. Overall I feel like such a loser.
I am fairly certain that I do something to a spouse that makes it so difficult for them to love me. It seems like everybody else - my kids, siblings, parents, even my employees - love me so much but in a romantic relationship I do something that makes this not possible. I’m not quite sure what I do. I try very hard in life to be tolerant, non-judgmental, empathetic, and caring. But I think that when it comes to a romantic relationship I fail at those things. My wife has told me that I’m so arrogant. She has told me that she feels she’ll never be good enough for me. Clearly I make her feel these things. I am so sorry I do and have been trying very hard not to but I’ve had no success. I’m starting to think I’m like an expensive looking sports car that everyone oohs and ahhs over but once they buy it they realize it doesn’t run and is a piece of junk.
I have talked to therapists about this but they for the most part have not helped. The last one I had told me that I should leave my wife. I do not want to leave my wife (nor do I want her to leave me). I get so sad thinking about my children from my current wife having to grow up with divorced parents (such as my other children have).
I have discussed this with my wife a few times. The discussions developed in response to her questioning me about why I’m so sad and distant (or sometimes angry). The discussions made her very upset and angry. She says that she loves me more than anything and that basically I’m just saying that her love isn’t good enough for me.
I keep telling myself to suck it up, and that it doesn’t really matter. But it just doesn’t seem to work. Somedays it just makes me feel so sad that I have trouble getting anything else done (today for instance). I keep thinking that maybe I’m totally wrong about everything. But no matter what I tell myself it doesn’t change the sadness I feel inside.
Does anybody have experience with something like this? Is there something that has worked for you in a situation like this?