How did you redefine your relationship with food?
March 6, 2007 5:16 PM Subscribe
My eating disorder(s) are controlling my life! To those of you who have overcome serious eating issues in the past: what was it that made the difference for you?
I have reached the breaking point, yet again, with my eating disorder. I apologize in advance for the length of this question, but I need to find a way to address this situation as soon as possible, for reasons of both health and sanity. Here is personal background on my situation:
I have always been overweight, though not to this extent. As a child, my parents distributed what I ate to me, so the situation was kept under reasonable control. As I grew older and had more personal freedom and alone time, my issues with food worsened. I gained weight, and despite my parents’ worries, they could do nothing to stop me. I have been in therapy for this issue since childhood. I saw a slew of therapists (as well as nutritionists, et al) during my younger years, and then gave up for a long stretch of time. After developing rather severe problems with depression, I began seeing a therapist again. I tried hundreds of diets. I tried seriously and less seriously. Eventually, after the disintegration of a major relationship in my life, I managed to find a path that stuck.
I lost 140 pounds by myself, without surgery. I was truly elated to have lost the weight, but I did it by religiously restricting my intake. I was still obsessed with food, just in another form. I thought constantly, all day and every day, about my intake. I exercised often, usually jogging 3 miles at a time most days of the week. I needed to devote a major part of my time and mental energy to making this attempt succeed, and I often worried even when I ate small amounts of higher calorie foods. If I was faced with a situation where I had access to large amounts of food, I still could not control the amount I ate. In a nutshell, this attempt was unsuccessful in its own ways.
During the period in which I lost weight, I was very personally and professionally successful. I was accepted into a very good graduate program in my field with a rare competitive funding package. I met my future and current spouse, with whom I am very happy. I have continued to maintain my success in these areas, but not in the area of my weight loss. After my marriage, I began a slow backslide that I felt powerless to stop. My spouse is at a relatively healthy weight, and does not experience the same kinds of issues I do with food. My old and semi-unhealthy way of restricting the amount and kinds of food that enter my household no longer seems viable, given that there is another person living with me! Although I have been in therapy (again) for this issue for the past year, and have been trying incredibly hard to get it under control, it seems impossible. I eat in an absolutely compulsive way. I know, logically, that I don’t have to eat, but I feel totally unable to stop myself. This is not a matter of eating portions that are too large at dinner. This is constant, compulsive eating, even if I feel sick. The only emotionally difficult part of my life is my relationship to food, so I cannot understand why I am overeating. My spouse is concerned about my health, but is very supportive.
This is not a question about how to lose weight. Clearly, I understand how to do that. This is a question about how to change my relationship with food. I feel I have exhausted every resource available to me with the exception of surgery or something similar, which I would like to avoid if possible. To those of you who have experienced a similar situation, or have loved ones that have been through this process, please tell me how you accomplished this feat. I am ready and willing to listen to all answers you might have. Throwaway email account for follow-ups: ask.me.question@hotmail.com Thanks for reading.
I have reached the breaking point, yet again, with my eating disorder. I apologize in advance for the length of this question, but I need to find a way to address this situation as soon as possible, for reasons of both health and sanity. Here is personal background on my situation:
I have always been overweight, though not to this extent. As a child, my parents distributed what I ate to me, so the situation was kept under reasonable control. As I grew older and had more personal freedom and alone time, my issues with food worsened. I gained weight, and despite my parents’ worries, they could do nothing to stop me. I have been in therapy for this issue since childhood. I saw a slew of therapists (as well as nutritionists, et al) during my younger years, and then gave up for a long stretch of time. After developing rather severe problems with depression, I began seeing a therapist again. I tried hundreds of diets. I tried seriously and less seriously. Eventually, after the disintegration of a major relationship in my life, I managed to find a path that stuck.
I lost 140 pounds by myself, without surgery. I was truly elated to have lost the weight, but I did it by religiously restricting my intake. I was still obsessed with food, just in another form. I thought constantly, all day and every day, about my intake. I exercised often, usually jogging 3 miles at a time most days of the week. I needed to devote a major part of my time and mental energy to making this attempt succeed, and I often worried even when I ate small amounts of higher calorie foods. If I was faced with a situation where I had access to large amounts of food, I still could not control the amount I ate. In a nutshell, this attempt was unsuccessful in its own ways.
During the period in which I lost weight, I was very personally and professionally successful. I was accepted into a very good graduate program in my field with a rare competitive funding package. I met my future and current spouse, with whom I am very happy. I have continued to maintain my success in these areas, but not in the area of my weight loss. After my marriage, I began a slow backslide that I felt powerless to stop. My spouse is at a relatively healthy weight, and does not experience the same kinds of issues I do with food. My old and semi-unhealthy way of restricting the amount and kinds of food that enter my household no longer seems viable, given that there is another person living with me! Although I have been in therapy (again) for this issue for the past year, and have been trying incredibly hard to get it under control, it seems impossible. I eat in an absolutely compulsive way. I know, logically, that I don’t have to eat, but I feel totally unable to stop myself. This is not a matter of eating portions that are too large at dinner. This is constant, compulsive eating, even if I feel sick. The only emotionally difficult part of my life is my relationship to food, so I cannot understand why I am overeating. My spouse is concerned about my health, but is very supportive.
This is not a question about how to lose weight. Clearly, I understand how to do that. This is a question about how to change my relationship with food. I feel I have exhausted every resource available to me with the exception of surgery or something similar, which I would like to avoid if possible. To those of you who have experienced a similar situation, or have loved ones that have been through this process, please tell me how you accomplished this feat. I am ready and willing to listen to all answers you might have. Throwaway email account for follow-ups: ask.me.question@hotmail.com Thanks for reading.
I was truly elated to have lost the weight, but I did it by religiously restricting my intake. I was still obsessed with food, just in another form. I thought constantly, all day and every day, about my intake. I exercised often, usually jogging 3 miles at a time most days of the week. I needed to devote a major part of my time and mental energy to making this attempt succeed, and I often worried even when I ate small amounts of higher calorie foods. If I was faced with a situation where I had access to large amounts of food, I still could not control the amount I ate. In a nutshell, this attempt was unsuccessful in its own ways.
Well, I've never been overweight, I've never been underweight, and I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I still think about food and about exercise a lot, probably obsessively. There's a small portion of the population that's naturally skinny, a small portion of the population that loves exercise so much that food isn't an issue, and then there's the rest of us. I know 1-2 women who fall into the naturally skinny/athletic categories, and dozens of women who fall into the other two categories: fat and obsessed with not being fat.
For me, the minute I stop obsessing my weight starts ticking up. I decided not to worry about this shit in February, because February sucks for too many other reasons and it didn't seem worth it. Sure enough, 28 days later I'd gained 5 pounds.
It's not PC, I'm not sure if it's totally healthy, but I don't think it's possible for most of us to avoid being overweight in western society without constantly thinking about food intake and exercise. Maybe you just need to start doing it again -- neurotically watching what you eat and getting lots of exercise -- even though it also kind of sucks.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 5:54 PM on March 6, 2007 [4 favorites]
Well, I've never been overweight, I've never been underweight, and I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I still think about food and about exercise a lot, probably obsessively. There's a small portion of the population that's naturally skinny, a small portion of the population that loves exercise so much that food isn't an issue, and then there's the rest of us. I know 1-2 women who fall into the naturally skinny/athletic categories, and dozens of women who fall into the other two categories: fat and obsessed with not being fat.
For me, the minute I stop obsessing my weight starts ticking up. I decided not to worry about this shit in February, because February sucks for too many other reasons and it didn't seem worth it. Sure enough, 28 days later I'd gained 5 pounds.
It's not PC, I'm not sure if it's totally healthy, but I don't think it's possible for most of us to avoid being overweight in western society without constantly thinking about food intake and exercise. Maybe you just need to start doing it again -- neurotically watching what you eat and getting lots of exercise -- even though it also kind of sucks.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 5:54 PM on March 6, 2007 [4 favorites]
Two things I had to seriously change about my thinking in order to keep myself sane and also not gain weight. I had to stop pretending that my male partner and I could eat the same food. He's far larger and has a far higher metabolism. I make less testosterone, creating muscle mass on my body is a herculean task. He just has muscles. It's a bastard. There're usually two separate breakfasts, lunches, and dinners around here.
The other thing is that if I overeat I try not to consider it a moral failure and just keep overeating out of guilt and self-hatred. It was a reeeeeally hard practice to get into but now it's second nature. So I ate an entire sleeve of oreos at lunch? Oh well, it's still salad and an omelet for dinner, and fruit for breakfast.
posted by birdie birdington at 6:12 PM on March 6, 2007
The other thing is that if I overeat I try not to consider it a moral failure and just keep overeating out of guilt and self-hatred. It was a reeeeeally hard practice to get into but now it's second nature. So I ate an entire sleeve of oreos at lunch? Oh well, it's still salad and an omelet for dinner, and fruit for breakfast.
posted by birdie birdington at 6:12 PM on March 6, 2007
The Flylady (www.flylady.com) has written a book called Body Clutter..here's a blurb:
Join FlyLady and Leanne as they teach you how to adapt the basic principles of the FlyLady system and apply them to your Body Clutter, the most personal clutter of all. They do not preach at you about losing weight; they help you discover how you found it in the first place. This book teaches you how to use BabySteps and Routines to fit your own body.
Dealing with your Body Clutter is not about the "perfect" diet; it is about sound nutrition, personal discovery and a journey that only you can take. It's not about the fat, it's about life.
Once you are able to recognize the mental clutter behind the Body Clutter, you will be able to release it, keep it off and FLY like never before.
From what I understand (and some of the testimonials they post on the email list) this book is much more about working on the inner reasons people have problems with food instead of being a "diet" book.
posted by konolia at 6:46 PM on March 6, 2007 [1 favorite]
Join FlyLady and Leanne as they teach you how to adapt the basic principles of the FlyLady system and apply them to your Body Clutter, the most personal clutter of all. They do not preach at you about losing weight; they help you discover how you found it in the first place. This book teaches you how to use BabySteps and Routines to fit your own body.
Dealing with your Body Clutter is not about the "perfect" diet; it is about sound nutrition, personal discovery and a journey that only you can take. It's not about the fat, it's about life.
Once you are able to recognize the mental clutter behind the Body Clutter, you will be able to release it, keep it off and FLY like never before.
From what I understand (and some of the testimonials they post on the email list) this book is much more about working on the inner reasons people have problems with food instead of being a "diet" book.
posted by konolia at 6:46 PM on March 6, 2007 [1 favorite]
Is there an Overeaters Anonymous chapter in your area? They would be in the phone book. The way you describe your relationship with food sounds analogous to alcoholism to me. (The short version of the AA method is: this compulsion is so strong that there's no way you can promise to be sober/have perfect control over eating forever. But you can control it one day at a time. Just don't drink/overeat today. Then repeat this the next day.) Crazier idea: If there's no OA chapter near you, you might try going to an AA meeting and just sitting quietly in the back, trying to assimilate the things they say to your own situation.
Also, if you don't get many helpful answers here, try looking through the archives here; it seems to me there have been a number of helpful questions on related topics. (search box in top right, and by using the "tags" at top right - click on one, and then you will have the formula for the URLs of all of them, just replace the last phrase in the URL with whatever tag you want to try).
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:57 PM on March 6, 2007 [2 favorites]
Also, if you don't get many helpful answers here, try looking through the archives here; it seems to me there have been a number of helpful questions on related topics. (search box in top right, and by using the "tags" at top right - click on one, and then you will have the formula for the URLs of all of them, just replace the last phrase in the URL with whatever tag you want to try).
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:57 PM on March 6, 2007 [2 favorites]
I have sooooo been there myself, anonymous, just about to a tee. Eating endlessly and compulsively not because I'm hungry, but just because the food is there... flipping the switch into a self-destructive "consuming food is a personal failing!" mode, obsessively exercising and calorie-counting and losing 100+ pounds in a ten month span... finding personal and professional success with the slimmer me... slowly seeing the weight trickle back on as I am no longer in a position to be eternally vigilant and have the occasional compulsive episode. Eerily similar. (And yes, the parallels to being on or off the wagon are striking.)
I've tried a whole passel of strategies, too, with varying levels of success. One of the over-the-counter neurotransmitter-precursor food supplements has some modicum of effect. (Never went so far as to try Wellbutrin or the like, though I've been tempted to do so.) Consuming godawful amounts of water and diet soda helped curb things a bit - trading one oral fixation for the other, I guess. Sublimating things into other, non-food obsessions - "well, guess it's time to maniacally play Guitar Hero into the wee hours of the morning! again!" - is occasionally helpful. Doubly so when it's exercise-related: if I can just get myself too damn sore and tired, I don't have the energy to indulge in compulsion.
But mostly I spend my time doing my level best to steer clear of culinary situations where I just don't trust myself. In the presence of my significant other, where I would feel deep (if irrational) shame if I were to gorge in front of her, I tend not to do so - I'm fine. Left to my own devices for the weekend, with ample Costco-sized portions of food sitting in the pantry... not so much. Seems kind of dumb, inviting friends over just to ensure that I don't eat myself into a crying stupor, but it's a functional workaround of a sort. (Cubicle world is hell on me this way. So many meeting leftovers put out in the common areas, unsupervised, for folks to graze on. Facing the maw of temptation every time I dare to leave my seat.)
I realize that no single one of the above is the silver bullet to my problem... but it's a broad-spectrum approach that has me at least fighting it to a draw, if nothing else.
Either way, you're definitely not alone. Deepest wishes that you find a solution that works for you personally. (Email is in my profile if you need further elaboration of anything or what have you.)
posted by youhas at 7:23 PM on March 6, 2007 [4 favorites]
I've tried a whole passel of strategies, too, with varying levels of success. One of the over-the-counter neurotransmitter-precursor food supplements has some modicum of effect. (Never went so far as to try Wellbutrin or the like, though I've been tempted to do so.) Consuming godawful amounts of water and diet soda helped curb things a bit - trading one oral fixation for the other, I guess. Sublimating things into other, non-food obsessions - "well, guess it's time to maniacally play Guitar Hero into the wee hours of the morning! again!" - is occasionally helpful. Doubly so when it's exercise-related: if I can just get myself too damn sore and tired, I don't have the energy to indulge in compulsion.
But mostly I spend my time doing my level best to steer clear of culinary situations where I just don't trust myself. In the presence of my significant other, where I would feel deep (if irrational) shame if I were to gorge in front of her, I tend not to do so - I'm fine. Left to my own devices for the weekend, with ample Costco-sized portions of food sitting in the pantry... not so much. Seems kind of dumb, inviting friends over just to ensure that I don't eat myself into a crying stupor, but it's a functional workaround of a sort. (Cubicle world is hell on me this way. So many meeting leftovers put out in the common areas, unsupervised, for folks to graze on. Facing the maw of temptation every time I dare to leave my seat.)
I realize that no single one of the above is the silver bullet to my problem... but it's a broad-spectrum approach that has me at least fighting it to a draw, if nothing else.
Either way, you're definitely not alone. Deepest wishes that you find a solution that works for you personally. (Email is in my profile if you need further elaboration of anything or what have you.)
posted by youhas at 7:23 PM on March 6, 2007 [4 favorites]
Overcoming Overeating and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Hunter, are really great books.
I think that one of the most significant problems with common approaches to eating disorders is the failure to address the fact that you must eat food to survive. You cannot escape this fact; you must confront your enemy (whether you're a compulsive over- or under- eater) several times a day. Food is essential, both physically and socially. (Yes, socially: anyone who's had an eating disorder has been confronted with the fear of social occasions involving food.) Trying to control this essential element with willpower is incredibly difficult, as you already know, and the prospect of having to exert that control for the rest of your life is incredibly daunting.
The Overcoming Overeating technique is difficult to implement--at times scary--but it can work, often in a more liberating way than Overeaters' Anon or similar programs. It's about changing the way you view your need for food and the way you view your ability to take care of yourself. I'm not going to try to describe it here, but check out the book at your local bookstore and see if there are any groups that meet in your area.
I learned a lot from the books and I was lucky to attend several groups led by Carol Hunter here in NYC. If you have any questions my email's in my profile.
posted by chelseagirl at 8:09 PM on March 6, 2007
I think that one of the most significant problems with common approaches to eating disorders is the failure to address the fact that you must eat food to survive. You cannot escape this fact; you must confront your enemy (whether you're a compulsive over- or under- eater) several times a day. Food is essential, both physically and socially. (Yes, socially: anyone who's had an eating disorder has been confronted with the fear of social occasions involving food.) Trying to control this essential element with willpower is incredibly difficult, as you already know, and the prospect of having to exert that control for the rest of your life is incredibly daunting.
The Overcoming Overeating technique is difficult to implement--at times scary--but it can work, often in a more liberating way than Overeaters' Anon or similar programs. It's about changing the way you view your need for food and the way you view your ability to take care of yourself. I'm not going to try to describe it here, but check out the book at your local bookstore and see if there are any groups that meet in your area.
I learned a lot from the books and I was lucky to attend several groups led by Carol Hunter here in NYC. If you have any questions my email's in my profile.
posted by chelseagirl at 8:09 PM on March 6, 2007
As you say, you don't need to know about portions or nutrition. Right now food is a battle for you, and you need it to be something else. Try making it a celebration.
Use your knowledge of nutrition and healthy eating, but try enjoying food more. Sounds counter-intuitive, but start restricting yourself to your favourite foods. Indulge in flavours: buy high-quality ingredients and fresh herbs. Make things that are healthy but really good and then eat them slowly, smell them, enjoy their textures, and really appreciate the things that you are doing for yourself.
It sounds like control was an issue for you, food-wise, when growing up. Try changing the times of day when you eat certain kinds of food. Pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner. Go crazy and have a slice of pie before your meal. Savour the fact that you are in control of what you eat. Go into the kitchen and proudly proclaim: "I will have an apple because I love apples, and then I won't have anything else until dinner because that is what *I* want."
Smile when you eat. Praise your food. Compliment your body in front of your spouse. Invite him/her to appreciate those parts with you (with kisses!). Make a delicious-but-healthy meal for the two of you, and savour the feeling of eating good food in good company on your own terms.
You can change your relationship with food. It may mean having to accept that your balanced, healthy body weight is not your "ideal" weight, but if you keep health, happiness, and self-acceptance at the forefront of your goals, you can turn this eating thing around. Good luck.
posted by carmen at 8:15 PM on March 6, 2007
Use your knowledge of nutrition and healthy eating, but try enjoying food more. Sounds counter-intuitive, but start restricting yourself to your favourite foods. Indulge in flavours: buy high-quality ingredients and fresh herbs. Make things that are healthy but really good and then eat them slowly, smell them, enjoy their textures, and really appreciate the things that you are doing for yourself.
It sounds like control was an issue for you, food-wise, when growing up. Try changing the times of day when you eat certain kinds of food. Pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner. Go crazy and have a slice of pie before your meal. Savour the fact that you are in control of what you eat. Go into the kitchen and proudly proclaim: "I will have an apple because I love apples, and then I won't have anything else until dinner because that is what *I* want."
Smile when you eat. Praise your food. Compliment your body in front of your spouse. Invite him/her to appreciate those parts with you (with kisses!). Make a delicious-but-healthy meal for the two of you, and savour the feeling of eating good food in good company on your own terms.
You can change your relationship with food. It may mean having to accept that your balanced, healthy body weight is not your "ideal" weight, but if you keep health, happiness, and self-acceptance at the forefront of your goals, you can turn this eating thing around. Good luck.
posted by carmen at 8:15 PM on March 6, 2007
Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn is generally considered a very good nuts and bolts book for this kind of thing. Best of luck.
posted by escabeche at 8:38 PM on March 6, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by escabeche at 8:38 PM on March 6, 2007 [1 favorite]
whoah. Your story is almost identical to mine, almost word-for -word. Fortunately I've managed to avoid depression and therapy, but other than that I've gone through almost the same exact progression, with the same reasons and results.
A few years ago I lost a great deal of weight on my own during a year of great success, productivity, and intellectual/spiritual/personal growth. Then I went to grad school, got married, and gained it back (sound familiar?).
I am now trying to figure out how to lose this weight again (and for good), and trying to figure out what was different in my life when I did so well.
It seems that I gain weight when I am BUSY. Being busy gives me an excuse to eat what's available, quick and easy. Being busy means my mind is on other things and I'll keep reaching into the bag of chips without realizing it. Being busy means eating is an auto-pilot behavior that I simply do in order keep my stomach from feeling empty. In a way I'm like an animal, eating out of instinct without any thought.
When I was able to lose and control my weight, I was still busy but I was much more *mindful* of my eating. I made a conscious decision to eat slower. I tasted my food more. I felt the texture in my mouth, I felt hot tea warm its way down my esophagus. Rather than watch TV or read a newspaper while eating mindlessly, I would focus on the meal and the sensations of eating a meal (this does not mean I spent a lot of *time* eating). I was also more mindful of how eating made me feel--I paid close attention to any uncomfortable feelings that came up when I ate a bit too much (that full "after-thanksgiving-dinner" feeling of engorgedness is usually associated with good times and plenty, but if you really pay honest attention to your body you will realize it's quite a disgusting feeling).
I find food much more enjoyable this way. I have found that really savoring one or two spoonfuls of ice cream is far more enjoyable than shoveling down a pint with the TV on, without even realizing you're doing it.
I came to most of these realizations on my own, but after the fact I caught wind of the book "The CAMP System" by Frederick Burggraf. It's all about redefining your relationship with food, with a perspective that I've never seen in any other resource. It builds a lot on the idea of eating consciously and mindfully. It's not corny or new-agey or self-helpey... it's very down-to-earth and practical. Anyway I'm not trying to plug the book or anything, but since your story is similar to mine I thought that this type of approach might help.
good luck (and wish me luck, I'm in a busy phase and I've found my eating habits going downhill).
posted by Alabaster at 8:47 PM on March 6, 2007 [3 favorites]
A few years ago I lost a great deal of weight on my own during a year of great success, productivity, and intellectual/spiritual/personal growth. Then I went to grad school, got married, and gained it back (sound familiar?).
I am now trying to figure out how to lose this weight again (and for good), and trying to figure out what was different in my life when I did so well.
It seems that I gain weight when I am BUSY. Being busy gives me an excuse to eat what's available, quick and easy. Being busy means my mind is on other things and I'll keep reaching into the bag of chips without realizing it. Being busy means eating is an auto-pilot behavior that I simply do in order keep my stomach from feeling empty. In a way I'm like an animal, eating out of instinct without any thought.
When I was able to lose and control my weight, I was still busy but I was much more *mindful* of my eating. I made a conscious decision to eat slower. I tasted my food more. I felt the texture in my mouth, I felt hot tea warm its way down my esophagus. Rather than watch TV or read a newspaper while eating mindlessly, I would focus on the meal and the sensations of eating a meal (this does not mean I spent a lot of *time* eating). I was also more mindful of how eating made me feel--I paid close attention to any uncomfortable feelings that came up when I ate a bit too much (that full "after-thanksgiving-dinner" feeling of engorgedness is usually associated with good times and plenty, but if you really pay honest attention to your body you will realize it's quite a disgusting feeling).
I find food much more enjoyable this way. I have found that really savoring one or two spoonfuls of ice cream is far more enjoyable than shoveling down a pint with the TV on, without even realizing you're doing it.
I came to most of these realizations on my own, but after the fact I caught wind of the book "The CAMP System" by Frederick Burggraf. It's all about redefining your relationship with food, with a perspective that I've never seen in any other resource. It builds a lot on the idea of eating consciously and mindfully. It's not corny or new-agey or self-helpey... it's very down-to-earth and practical. Anyway I'm not trying to plug the book or anything, but since your story is similar to mine I thought that this type of approach might help.
good luck (and wish me luck, I'm in a busy phase and I've found my eating habits going downhill).
posted by Alabaster at 8:47 PM on March 6, 2007 [3 favorites]
Obviously this is simplistic, but good counseling can do wonders. A wonderful, empathic psychologist who specializes in eating disorders in the LA area is Dr. Cathy Smith of South Pasadena. Best wishes.
posted by arnicae at 9:06 PM on March 6, 2007
posted by arnicae at 9:06 PM on March 6, 2007
if it's ok with your spouse, consider keeping less or no unhealthy or calorie-dense foods in the house. that is something that healthy parenting books suggest a lot-- if you don't have anything the kids shouldn't be eating, then it won't be an issue of whether they are allowed to or not. i wonder if something like that would help you because even if you still eat constantly you would be eating healthier and less calories without feeling like you have to fight with your compulsion to eat whatever is on hand.
posted by lgyre at 9:13 PM on March 6, 2007
posted by lgyre at 9:13 PM on March 6, 2007
I don't really have any suggestions for you, anonymous. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Your experiences have been very close to mine, too. I lost about fifty pounds on Weight Watchers last year, but I got tired of maintaining the necessary mental focus and I've started to gain some back. I just don't know why I always have to be obsessed with food - either not eating it, or eating it. I'd just like to put my hand up and say that if anybody does e-mail you a particularly good suggestion, could you pass it along? I'd love to hear it.
posted by web-goddess at 9:32 PM on March 6, 2007
posted by web-goddess at 9:32 PM on March 6, 2007
I've struggled with this for some years.
This is what has worked for me (and continues to work, if I actually DO it).
I learned a couple of years ago that there are certain 'trigger' foods which make me binge eat. If I eat those foods, then I cannot stop eating. For me it's bread, other wheat products (like breakfast cereals or pasta) and sugary foods. I would literally be like a thing possessed once I had that first bite of toast. Within minutes the whole loaf would be eaten, yet I wouldn't feel full. I couldn't understand it.
I am in recovery in AA, and was aware that these eating binges were similar to drinking binges in the way that I felt during them, the inability to stop, the feelings of self-hatred they engendered. So I began to attend Overeaters Anonymous, where I learned:
- most people with a compulsive eating disorder have a 'trigger' food. For some it's starch/sugar, for some it's cheese, or potatoes, or chocolate or bacon or ... something.
- eating my trigger food sets off some kind of chemical reaction that makes me binge and also seems to switch off the 'I am full' feeling. So I don't stop eating simply because I've eaten enough food. I can carry on and on.
- when I am binge eating, I am 'eating my feelings'. I had to look long and hard at what I was so angry or fearful about that was making me want to hurt myself by eating compulsively.
I find that if I don't eat my trigger foods, I don't get wild mood swings, and consequently if I'm not feeling like a piece of crap inside, I don't want to eat the food that I know will make me binge.
If I don't follow my programme (and it's hard, when I work in an office where there's a constant supply of cakes, cookies, chocolates, etc. brought in by team members) I find that I cannot stop with one piece of chocolate or one slice of cake. Then I'll get a sugar high, followed by a crashing depression, I feel like hell, and keep on eating.
Likewise, if I don't deal with the emotional stuff going on in my life, I'll turn to food as a comfort.
So, in essence, the key for me in changing my relationship with food is two-fold:
1. Learn what my trigger foods are and don't have even a taste of them.
2. Don't suppress anger/fear because not dealing with those things will make me want to 'eat my feelings' instead.
It IS difficult, and over the last year, instead of dealing properly with some issues, I've eaten on them. I'm 'detoxing' from carbs at the moment. Gah!
This has been a life-long struggle for me. It's harder than dealing with an addiction to drugs, gambling, alcohol - with those things it is possible to live life abstaining completely from them. But we have to eat. it's like letting a tiger out of a tiny cage three times a day and then trying to push it back in again.
My email is in my profile if you want to contact me privately.
Good luck.
posted by essexjan at 2:21 AM on March 7, 2007 [6 favorites]
This is what has worked for me (and continues to work, if I actually DO it).
I learned a couple of years ago that there are certain 'trigger' foods which make me binge eat. If I eat those foods, then I cannot stop eating. For me it's bread, other wheat products (like breakfast cereals or pasta) and sugary foods. I would literally be like a thing possessed once I had that first bite of toast. Within minutes the whole loaf would be eaten, yet I wouldn't feel full. I couldn't understand it.
I am in recovery in AA, and was aware that these eating binges were similar to drinking binges in the way that I felt during them, the inability to stop, the feelings of self-hatred they engendered. So I began to attend Overeaters Anonymous, where I learned:
- most people with a compulsive eating disorder have a 'trigger' food. For some it's starch/sugar, for some it's cheese, or potatoes, or chocolate or bacon or ... something.
- eating my trigger food sets off some kind of chemical reaction that makes me binge and also seems to switch off the 'I am full' feeling. So I don't stop eating simply because I've eaten enough food. I can carry on and on.
- when I am binge eating, I am 'eating my feelings'. I had to look long and hard at what I was so angry or fearful about that was making me want to hurt myself by eating compulsively.
I find that if I don't eat my trigger foods, I don't get wild mood swings, and consequently if I'm not feeling like a piece of crap inside, I don't want to eat the food that I know will make me binge.
If I don't follow my programme (and it's hard, when I work in an office where there's a constant supply of cakes, cookies, chocolates, etc. brought in by team members) I find that I cannot stop with one piece of chocolate or one slice of cake. Then I'll get a sugar high, followed by a crashing depression, I feel like hell, and keep on eating.
Likewise, if I don't deal with the emotional stuff going on in my life, I'll turn to food as a comfort.
So, in essence, the key for me in changing my relationship with food is two-fold:
1. Learn what my trigger foods are and don't have even a taste of them.
2. Don't suppress anger/fear because not dealing with those things will make me want to 'eat my feelings' instead.
It IS difficult, and over the last year, instead of dealing properly with some issues, I've eaten on them. I'm 'detoxing' from carbs at the moment. Gah!
This has been a life-long struggle for me. It's harder than dealing with an addiction to drugs, gambling, alcohol - with those things it is possible to live life abstaining completely from them. But we have to eat. it's like letting a tiger out of a tiny cage three times a day and then trying to push it back in again.
My email is in my profile if you want to contact me privately.
Good luck.
posted by essexjan at 2:21 AM on March 7, 2007 [6 favorites]
Breaking Free From Emotional Eating and Why Weight? A Guide to Ending Compulsive Eating, both by Geneen Roth, were recommended by a therapist and completely changed my attitude towards food permanently. I just ate all the time, I snuck food, I just couldn't separate food from my emotions. I never thought I would ever be able to turn down a piece of cake, but I can now and it is amazing. The exercises are a little silly but try a few of them; they really did help me.
posted by sutel at 4:01 AM on March 7, 2007
posted by sutel at 4:01 AM on March 7, 2007
Tick another "your story is just like mine" occurrence. I consider 2003 one of the best year's of my life. I lost over 100 pounds, bought a house, got a great job... maybe since our experiences are similar, you might understand where I'm coming from.
In the beginning of 2003, I decided to eat better gradually. The first week all I did was drink water everyday. But because I weighed over 300 pounds and didn't drink a lot of water normally, that first week I lost 4 pounds. They were big pounds, too... 300.5 to 296.5.
From that point on, I became addicted to Friday morning weigh-ins. Nary a television show or really good book has had me so hooked. Friday mornings I would jump on the scale (or rather gingerly place each foot on it) to see what the number would be this week. And I would work all week to get that number down.
The positive reinforcement worked, and I lost a lot of weight. And while I'm still over 100 pounds down from that 300 point, anytime I try to shed additional pounds, I lose interest because I don't see results fast enough. I suppose if I ever gained it all back, I would be able to lose it all again, but maintaining or losing in small chunks is hard to do when you've experienced rapid weightloss.
Looking at it one way, you could say I was still obsessed with food, but I wasn't. I was obsessed with progress. And most assuredly with positive responses (from lower numbers, better clothes, encouraging friends and family).
For me and where I am, books that tell you to eat all you want so you will loose the notion that you can't have (I'm referring to the Hirschmann and Hunter books) won't work. These habit thoughts and habit actions are too strong. I'm much more a believer in croutonsupafreak's opinion that with the exception of a few naturally skinny folk, most women think about these things. For some it's a healthy and friendly thought, for other's it's an obsessive and scary one.
Where Hirschmann and Hunter have it right is that you have to be happy with your body as it is right now. "How would you feel if your body size was the ideal body size?" is a revolutionary question. I have yet to be able to think in those terms for more than a week or two. (This goes right along with their theory that food/weight issues are issues of feminism.) Where their book breaks (IMO) is that they're still trying to solve the problem of losing weight. And if you're ultimately trying to do that, you'll get to a point of a rip-roaring mindfuck.
Are our only options fat acceptance or fat hatred? Neat askme... thanks for asking it.
posted by 10ch at 5:55 AM on March 7, 2007
In the beginning of 2003, I decided to eat better gradually. The first week all I did was drink water everyday. But because I weighed over 300 pounds and didn't drink a lot of water normally, that first week I lost 4 pounds. They were big pounds, too... 300.5 to 296.5.
From that point on, I became addicted to Friday morning weigh-ins. Nary a television show or really good book has had me so hooked. Friday mornings I would jump on the scale (or rather gingerly place each foot on it) to see what the number would be this week. And I would work all week to get that number down.
The positive reinforcement worked, and I lost a lot of weight. And while I'm still over 100 pounds down from that 300 point, anytime I try to shed additional pounds, I lose interest because I don't see results fast enough. I suppose if I ever gained it all back, I would be able to lose it all again, but maintaining or losing in small chunks is hard to do when you've experienced rapid weightloss.
Looking at it one way, you could say I was still obsessed with food, but I wasn't. I was obsessed with progress. And most assuredly with positive responses (from lower numbers, better clothes, encouraging friends and family).
For me and where I am, books that tell you to eat all you want so you will loose the notion that you can't have (I'm referring to the Hirschmann and Hunter books) won't work. These habit thoughts and habit actions are too strong. I'm much more a believer in croutonsupafreak's opinion that with the exception of a few naturally skinny folk, most women think about these things. For some it's a healthy and friendly thought, for other's it's an obsessive and scary one.
Where Hirschmann and Hunter have it right is that you have to be happy with your body as it is right now. "How would you feel if your body size was the ideal body size?" is a revolutionary question. I have yet to be able to think in those terms for more than a week or two. (This goes right along with their theory that food/weight issues are issues of feminism.) Where their book breaks (IMO) is that they're still trying to solve the problem of losing weight. And if you're ultimately trying to do that, you'll get to a point of a rip-roaring mindfuck.
Are our only options fat acceptance or fat hatred? Neat askme... thanks for asking it.
posted by 10ch at 5:55 AM on March 7, 2007
The original poster wanted me to add this followup:
First, I wanted to thank you all for your responses and suggestions. Truly, it does help knowing that perfectly regular people out there are dealing with the same irregular food issues I am. I wanted to respond, briefly, to MonkeySaltedNuts' comment(s). I certainly don't blame my spouse for my eating issues. I am at a place where I can take responsibility for my own actions. However, when you're trying to obsessively restrict the amount and kinds of food that are allowed in the house, living with another person who has their own needs/wants in this category does complicate the situation. Can I ask that they compromise in this area and change their own habits to accomodate me? Yes, and I likely will do so. I think it would be ignorant, though, not to recognize the new potential challenges my current living situation brings to that method.posted by mathowie at 8:44 AM on March 7, 2007
In addition, I wanted to add this: I think a huge part of the problem for me at the moment is that I need to be so focused on my career. I am sitting before a huge and looming creative deadline (I work in the arts) and need to direct a large amount of time and mental energy in that direction. I feel that, not matter how many times I try to address my issues with food, I end up in a situation where I have to choose between giving some slack on my eating and giving some slack on my work. I almost always choose eating. If there are any additional comments regarding how one manages this dichotomy so that neither one has to suffer, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.
I think of it differently than everyone else. I had grown up hearing about how hard dieting and exercise were. How overeating was a really, really hard habit to break. So I never tried very hard, or when I did, I halfassed it, because I knew I would fail.
It changed when I gave it a real, honest shot...and it wasn't that hard. Losing weight is slow and tedious, but not really difficult. I don't mean to belittle your struggle--I'm saying that when you stop looking at it as something difficult that you will inevitably fail it becomes second nature to eat normal portions. It's not impossible. People do it every day, without even thinking about it. So I stopped thinking I would fail, because it was a self fulfilling prophecy. And when it stopped being an unscalable wall, it was much, much easier.
All of the standard stuff applies too--be supported emotionally. Find a way to get around boredom and stress (very hard for a type A neurotic like myself), or at least find better ways to deal with them (preferably something that doesn't allow you to eat food while doing it--playing World of Warcraft to blow off steam made me feel better, but it didn't help that I was scarfing down Cheez-its while I did it). Look at food in terms of quality, not quantity. Stop thinking about "value" where food is concerned. Don't be trying to "bargain shop" at restaurants or the supermarket, because you'll buy in bulk and eat junk. And the junk won't fulfill you, so you'll eat more. Develop your sense of taste. Eat fewer, better things. But this is all stuff you've heard before.
posted by almostmanda at 8:47 AM on March 7, 2007
It changed when I gave it a real, honest shot...and it wasn't that hard. Losing weight is slow and tedious, but not really difficult. I don't mean to belittle your struggle--I'm saying that when you stop looking at it as something difficult that you will inevitably fail it becomes second nature to eat normal portions. It's not impossible. People do it every day, without even thinking about it. So I stopped thinking I would fail, because it was a self fulfilling prophecy. And when it stopped being an unscalable wall, it was much, much easier.
All of the standard stuff applies too--be supported emotionally. Find a way to get around boredom and stress (very hard for a type A neurotic like myself), or at least find better ways to deal with them (preferably something that doesn't allow you to eat food while doing it--playing World of Warcraft to blow off steam made me feel better, but it didn't help that I was scarfing down Cheez-its while I did it). Look at food in terms of quality, not quantity. Stop thinking about "value" where food is concerned. Don't be trying to "bargain shop" at restaurants or the supermarket, because you'll buy in bulk and eat junk. And the junk won't fulfill you, so you'll eat more. Develop your sense of taste. Eat fewer, better things. But this is all stuff you've heard before.
posted by almostmanda at 8:47 AM on March 7, 2007
I don't have any advice to offer, but I do know of a blogger who writes about her food addiction and recovery. Perhaps she can help.
posted by geeky at 9:14 AM on March 7, 2007
posted by geeky at 9:14 AM on March 7, 2007
This may seem like a tangent, but I think you should try meditation (if you haven’t already).
Make a small commitment – like, 10 minutes a day before you go to bed or when you wake up. Choose any technique you like – Buddhist meditation, Quaker silent worship, counting breaths, any damn thing. If you feel like you want somebody to teach you how to do it, join a group or read a book.
The important part is this: you’ll be sitting with yourself for a little while (even though it will seem unbearably long at first); all this turmoil, doubt, and worry will wash over you, and as you sit there with it, not pushing it away, not inviting it in – just observing it, watching it go by like the bubbles that float on a river – it will gradually die down. You’ll feel yourself settling into a part of your being that is patient, rooted, calm, and certain.
It sounds like you already know all the logical, sensible, practical, efficacious solutions to your problems. Your intellectual self has figured it all out. But emotionally, you’re still being shoved around by your circumstances. Something happens around you – for instance, your spouse takes an extra helping of Doritos – and you have an extreme emotional reaction. Maybe it’s “Screw it, why shouldn’t I have a whole bag?” or maybe it’s “Oh my god do not have a chip. Do not have a chip. At all costs, I must not have a chip.” It’s like your emotional life is on a pendulum, swinging back and forth between an overwhelming compulsion towards food and an obsessive desire to control yourself. And, as you know, neither one of these states is healthy or sustainable.
Instead of focusing ever more obsessively on how to fix your attitude towards food, I think you need to step back and understand yourself as a complete person. It’s like you’re driving a car, and instead of looking at the road, you can’t stop staring at the cliff edge that you’re mortally afraid of going over. What you describe is a constant state of anxiety, panic, and fear – it’s a terrible way to live. It’s psychological torture. It’s this emotional state that you’ve got to address.
You’re clearly an intelligent person, accustomed to intellectual problem-solving. But your emotional self can only learn slowly and experientially. And meditation will give you the experience that you need:
- A sense of the bigger picture – your relationship with food is not you. There are other important things in your life, and you have value apart from your reactions to food.
- You can live with discomfort, anxiety, and self-doubt without being compelled to react to them. Compulsive reactions don’t have to rule your life.
- There’s a part of you that is enduring, centered, strong, flexible, and fundamentally okay. There are all kinds of goofy theological ways of explaining this part of yourself, but you won’t get it until you actually feel it, directly and repeatedly.
Just a couple cents from somebody in a similar boat …
posted by ourobouros at 9:41 AM on March 7, 2007 [6 favorites]
Make a small commitment – like, 10 minutes a day before you go to bed or when you wake up. Choose any technique you like – Buddhist meditation, Quaker silent worship, counting breaths, any damn thing. If you feel like you want somebody to teach you how to do it, join a group or read a book.
The important part is this: you’ll be sitting with yourself for a little while (even though it will seem unbearably long at first); all this turmoil, doubt, and worry will wash over you, and as you sit there with it, not pushing it away, not inviting it in – just observing it, watching it go by like the bubbles that float on a river – it will gradually die down. You’ll feel yourself settling into a part of your being that is patient, rooted, calm, and certain.
It sounds like you already know all the logical, sensible, practical, efficacious solutions to your problems. Your intellectual self has figured it all out. But emotionally, you’re still being shoved around by your circumstances. Something happens around you – for instance, your spouse takes an extra helping of Doritos – and you have an extreme emotional reaction. Maybe it’s “Screw it, why shouldn’t I have a whole bag?” or maybe it’s “Oh my god do not have a chip. Do not have a chip. At all costs, I must not have a chip.” It’s like your emotional life is on a pendulum, swinging back and forth between an overwhelming compulsion towards food and an obsessive desire to control yourself. And, as you know, neither one of these states is healthy or sustainable.
Instead of focusing ever more obsessively on how to fix your attitude towards food, I think you need to step back and understand yourself as a complete person. It’s like you’re driving a car, and instead of looking at the road, you can’t stop staring at the cliff edge that you’re mortally afraid of going over. What you describe is a constant state of anxiety, panic, and fear – it’s a terrible way to live. It’s psychological torture. It’s this emotional state that you’ve got to address.
You’re clearly an intelligent person, accustomed to intellectual problem-solving. But your emotional self can only learn slowly and experientially. And meditation will give you the experience that you need:
- A sense of the bigger picture – your relationship with food is not you. There are other important things in your life, and you have value apart from your reactions to food.
- You can live with discomfort, anxiety, and self-doubt without being compelled to react to them. Compulsive reactions don’t have to rule your life.
- There’s a part of you that is enduring, centered, strong, flexible, and fundamentally okay. There are all kinds of goofy theological ways of explaining this part of yourself, but you won’t get it until you actually feel it, directly and repeatedly.
Just a couple cents from somebody in a similar boat …
posted by ourobouros at 9:41 AM on March 7, 2007 [6 favorites]
i have a pretty addictive personality and can obsess over food as well.
i had to make a lifestyle change and now i keep hardly any food at home. whenever i have food at home i just go through it immediately.
needless to say, this forces me to go out of the house for almost every meal. i've also changed my lifestyle so that i really only eat ONE substantial meal a day. and even during that meal, i take it easy.
and i'm not pretending this is easy, but sometimes i'll just let myself go hungry and make it a game with myself, to see how long i can be hungry until i can't take it anymore. to keep my mouth busy i'll keep chewing and spittin' sunflower seeds.
posted by fac21 at 10:27 AM on March 7, 2007
i had to make a lifestyle change and now i keep hardly any food at home. whenever i have food at home i just go through it immediately.
needless to say, this forces me to go out of the house for almost every meal. i've also changed my lifestyle so that i really only eat ONE substantial meal a day. and even during that meal, i take it easy.
and i'm not pretending this is easy, but sometimes i'll just let myself go hungry and make it a game with myself, to see how long i can be hungry until i can't take it anymore. to keep my mouth busy i'll keep chewing and spittin' sunflower seeds.
posted by fac21 at 10:27 AM on March 7, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
If he really supports you than he can buy a few lock boxes to keep his food in. That way he can wake up in the morning and be assured that you haven't eaten everything he was going to eat for breakfast.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 5:39 PM on March 6, 2007