How do I get my ex-boyfriend to stop blogging about me?
March 13, 2004 11:48 AM Subscribe
Is there a relatively painless way to stop someone from talking about you in their online diary? (more inside, of course)
Long story short, an ex-boyfriend of mine has a online diary at diaryland.com and has on occasion discussed me and our former relationship. I'm all for free speach, but his references to me almost always include my fullname, hometown and alma mater. I'm really uneasy about so much information just being out there for someone to google. I do realize that all that information is out there to find as public record elsewhere, but I really dislike that info being out there in connection with details of our relationship (if you know what I mean).
I've tried contacting Diaryland, but haven't received any replies, and I'm only thinking of contacting the ex directly as a last resort. Any suggestions? thanks.
Long story short, an ex-boyfriend of mine has a online diary at diaryland.com and has on occasion discussed me and our former relationship. I'm all for free speach, but his references to me almost always include my fullname, hometown and alma mater. I'm really uneasy about so much information just being out there for someone to google. I do realize that all that information is out there to find as public record elsewhere, but I really dislike that info being out there in connection with details of our relationship (if you know what I mean).
I've tried contacting Diaryland, but haven't received any replies, and I'm only thinking of contacting the ex directly as a last resort. Any suggestions? thanks.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
As an alternative to contacting him directly, have a mutual friend leave nasty comments indicating his gall and insensitivity. Really, I think you're going to have to stoop to something like that if you don't want to confront the issue directly. Other options include: responding in kind. Posting incredibly embarassing photos of him, with an invitation to take *all* of it down in exchange.
Seriously, he's in his rights to write about his experiences, but your full name, etc. need not be a part of that. Unless you are the subject of libel, I can't imagine the blogging service or the law getting involved. I think you're eventually going to have to write that email. And more power to you when you do. It's a totally reasonable request on your part to take your identifying information down.
posted by scarabic at 12:01 PM on March 13, 2004
Seriously, he's in his rights to write about his experiences, but your full name, etc. need not be a part of that. Unless you are the subject of libel, I can't imagine the blogging service or the law getting involved. I think you're eventually going to have to write that email. And more power to you when you do. It's a totally reasonable request on your part to take your identifying information down.
posted by scarabic at 12:01 PM on March 13, 2004
Can you post the url?
I joke. Sounds like you don't maintain positive contact with each other. You could always threaten diaryland with legal action. That usually wakes companies up. You could also talk to the police and try to get them to pursue some sort of stalker crimes direction. Those may be going too far, but it would probably make him stop faster.
posted by crazy finger at 12:02 PM on March 13, 2004
I joke. Sounds like you don't maintain positive contact with each other. You could always threaten diaryland with legal action. That usually wakes companies up. You could also talk to the police and try to get them to pursue some sort of stalker crimes direction. Those may be going too far, but it would probably make him stop faster.
posted by crazy finger at 12:02 PM on March 13, 2004
they can probably buy all your current information from marketing agencies
Uh... I think an ex boyfriend is probably privvy to even more personal information than you could find this way. I fully understand not wanting your ex-boyfriend's online confessional in the top 10 Google results for your name.
posted by scarabic at 12:02 PM on March 13, 2004
Uh... I think an ex boyfriend is probably privvy to even more personal information than you could find this way. I fully understand not wanting your ex-boyfriend's online confessional in the top 10 Google results for your name.
posted by scarabic at 12:02 PM on March 13, 2004
I'm confused by the word "painless". Seems like you have only a few lawful options: ask him nicely, ask him meanly, get a lawyer to ask nicely, or get a lawyer to ask meanly.
Of those, the most painless would naturally be to personally ask him nicely to stop, possibly suggesting he use a fake name in the future to refer to you.
posted by Hildago at 12:04 PM on March 13, 2004
Of those, the most painless would naturally be to personally ask him nicely to stop, possibly suggesting he use a fake name in the future to refer to you.
posted by Hildago at 12:04 PM on March 13, 2004
Well-put, Hildago. I've seen one or two of these situations play out, and it's never pretty asking someone to remove content from their site. Usually, people react in a highly defensive and righteous manner. I think it would be good to be prepared for that reaction, no matter what.
Send the nice email first, but have the mean one ready to go. Leading with the mean one may result in a chest-puffing contest, which I'm guessing dicaxpuella doesn't want to go through.
Hiring a lawyer right now might be painless too, unless you consider the cost a pain.
posted by scarabic at 12:09 PM on March 13, 2004
Send the nice email first, but have the mean one ready to go. Leading with the mean one may result in a chest-puffing contest, which I'm guessing dicaxpuella doesn't want to go through.
Hiring a lawyer right now might be painless too, unless you consider the cost a pain.
posted by scarabic at 12:09 PM on March 13, 2004
Depending on his level of vindictive nastiness, you may want to forgo the legal route, for fear of it turning into something like this.
posted by sad_otter at 12:10 PM on March 13, 2004
posted by sad_otter at 12:10 PM on March 13, 2004
I do think its a good idea to ask nicely at least once. But if you do also make it somehow clear that this is the only time you will be asking.
I dont know the situation here but he maybe doing this to get attention from you. So you want to avoid dragging it out into a conversation which maybe exactly what he wants.
Another 'painless' option is to set up a short webpage of your own (static, not a weblog) with equivalent personal info which mentions, in a professional tone (this is important!), that you are getting inappropriate attention from another weblog. At least that way if someone googles you they get both sides of the story and his stuff will be dismissed.
posted by vacapinta at 12:23 PM on March 13, 2004
I dont know the situation here but he maybe doing this to get attention from you. So you want to avoid dragging it out into a conversation which maybe exactly what he wants.
Another 'painless' option is to set up a short webpage of your own (static, not a weblog) with equivalent personal info which mentions, in a professional tone (this is important!), that you are getting inappropriate attention from another weblog. At least that way if someone googles you they get both sides of the story and his stuff will be dismissed.
posted by vacapinta at 12:23 PM on March 13, 2004
Uh... I think an ex boyfriend is probably privvy to even more personal information than you could find this way. I fully understand not wanting your ex-boyfriend's online confessional in the top 10 Google results for your name.
I know. That's why I made the distinction between the damage to safety of anomynity and the damage to reputation. The former prbably hasn't been compromised by said ex any more than it already has been by society at large. The later likely has been.
vacapinta's idea seems like a pretty good one in addition to the contact from mutual friend.
posted by namespan at 12:46 PM on March 13, 2004
I know. That's why I made the distinction between the damage to safety of anomynity and the damage to reputation. The former prbably hasn't been compromised by said ex any more than it already has been by society at large. The later likely has been.
vacapinta's idea seems like a pretty good one in addition to the contact from mutual friend.
posted by namespan at 12:46 PM on March 13, 2004
2 things:
Thing the first: Do what is suggested above. Ask him to stop specifically naming you or providing other personal details that would easily identify you when posting on his weblog about your past relationship. ALSO ask him to remove all references to your name, hometown etc in past posts. If he wants to be a pig and air his own dirty laundry, that's his problem, but he does not have much of a right (as I see it) to drag you down with him. He will never know that you have a problem with this unless you confront him directly, however unpleasant you think that might be. He could stop, or he could escalate the unpleasantness in his posts. Either way, you have a record that you tried to do this. Call it insurance.
Thing the second: google yourself if you haven't already(firstname+lastname) and see what comes up. Do his diaryland posts figure prominently in, say, the first 10 results? Which posts are they? Do they mischaractarize or slander you? This is what you'd have to worry about. Vacapinta's idea about setting up a 'rebuttal' page is very good and is easy to do. Do not sink to his level, just defend yourself in a detached manner, do not provide any kind of link to his blog or name him specifically.
Sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you.
posted by contessa at 12:56 PM on March 13, 2004
Thing the first: Do what is suggested above. Ask him to stop specifically naming you or providing other personal details that would easily identify you when posting on his weblog about your past relationship. ALSO ask him to remove all references to your name, hometown etc in past posts. If he wants to be a pig and air his own dirty laundry, that's his problem, but he does not have much of a right (as I see it) to drag you down with him. He will never know that you have a problem with this unless you confront him directly, however unpleasant you think that might be. He could stop, or he could escalate the unpleasantness in his posts. Either way, you have a record that you tried to do this. Call it insurance.
Thing the second: google yourself if you haven't already(firstname+lastname) and see what comes up. Do his diaryland posts figure prominently in, say, the first 10 results? Which posts are they? Do they mischaractarize or slander you? This is what you'd have to worry about. Vacapinta's idea about setting up a 'rebuttal' page is very good and is easy to do. Do not sink to his level, just defend yourself in a detached manner, do not provide any kind of link to his blog or name him specifically.
Sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you.
posted by contessa at 12:56 PM on March 13, 2004
Just as an FYI, Andrew at Diaryland is notoriously impossible to get a hold of. Friend of mine had a similar problem and asked Andrew to delete *her* journal from Diaryland, and he never responded to her repeated requests (this would be after she deleted all the entries, but she wanted the whole thing gone).
I agree with the suggestions that you put up a page rebutting the mischaracterizations (along the lines of what vacapinta suggested) as well as nicely asking that he remove the specific references. Keep records of all communication you have with him on this matter, just in case.
Good luck.
posted by eilatan at 1:16 PM on March 13, 2004
I agree with the suggestions that you put up a page rebutting the mischaracterizations (along the lines of what vacapinta suggested) as well as nicely asking that he remove the specific references. Keep records of all communication you have with him on this matter, just in case.
Good luck.
posted by eilatan at 1:16 PM on March 13, 2004
Try contacting Andrew through his own Diaryland site, if you haven't already.
namespan, I'm betting that the case posted last week on the blue will throw a wrench in the machine of any joe blow just buying info from marketing companies. With any luck, anyway.
posted by dobbs at 8:33 PM on March 13, 2004
namespan, I'm betting that the case posted last week on the blue will throw a wrench in the machine of any joe blow just buying info from marketing companies. With any luck, anyway.
posted by dobbs at 8:33 PM on March 13, 2004
Ah, I see, namespan. It took another couple of readings but you're talking about someone tracking you down as in a stalker or some other unsavory person you'd rather not be able to locate you (long-lost crazy neighbor, etc). As opposed to the sheer pain of having your dirty laundry aired for the people already in your life. Two possible types of bad exposure going on here. I gotcha now.
So you're saying that if someone already has her full name and location, some sordid stories aren't going to make her any more find-able in the offline world. And if someone only has one or two pieces of information, they may never be able to find the offending blog anyway? I'm not too sure about that. If all they have to go on is a first and last name, but no city, and this blog is in the top 100 Google results for the name, a truly dedicated stalker could find it, identify her by various details in the writing, and gain a hometown or alma mater to go with the name. That could be disastrous.
It's actually a really good question. Where do you fall on that, dicaxpuella?
posted by scarabic at 1:00 AM on March 14, 2004
So you're saying that if someone already has her full name and location, some sordid stories aren't going to make her any more find-able in the offline world. And if someone only has one or two pieces of information, they may never be able to find the offending blog anyway? I'm not too sure about that. If all they have to go on is a first and last name, but no city, and this blog is in the top 100 Google results for the name, a truly dedicated stalker could find it, identify her by various details in the writing, and gain a hometown or alma mater to go with the name. That could be disastrous.
It's actually a really good question. Where do you fall on that, dicaxpuella?
posted by scarabic at 1:00 AM on March 14, 2004
This thread is closed to new comments.
If it's the latter, I don't know that too much damage has been done. If someone doesn't have your full name, googling will miss your ex's commentary. If they do and even have a vague idea of where you live (and why would anyone who doesn't know that be interested in knowing anything else about you?), they can probably buy all your current information from marketing agencies or other info brokers like MelissaData for $15-$30.
If it's the former, your only recourses are probably whatever exists in the legal system (probably painful), or having someone else contact your ex and explain your position. I'm assuming you don't want to talk to your ex from your post.
posted by namespan at 11:59 AM on March 13, 2004