Muteness in a talkative world

December 4, 2006 1:24 PM

I have huge problems communicating with people, or the lack of it.

I have a very hard time talking about myself and my activities unless specifically asked a question, and I'm not very good at asking people about themselves either-- it feels like prying. I also don't know what to say when people make comments about me, even something simple like commenting on a new hairstyle or a personality trait. I'm not shy or timid. It feels completely awkward to jump in with information about myself. I feel like I'm prying when asking someone a question, and I honestly don't know how to respond when someone comments on something about me. It's almost always kindly or favourably. I don't know when I'm saying too much or not enough. On the other hand, several people I have managed to become friends with often try to pressure me into telling them things about myself such as my problems, and they seem to consider themselves my best friend, since they talk about their problems so frequently and freely and make a lot of demands on me for my time (I don't reciprocate fully).

So is there anything I can do to put myself out there more, and put some sort of limit in my interactions with people, so I'm not giving all the time? I'm an introvert. My lack of communication skills is probably compounded by growing up in a household where we never discussed anything with each other. I really don't know what it is to have a good, interactive relationship with somebody.

posted by anonymous to human relations (7 comments total)

I do not see your muteness as a burden so much as a gift unrealized. It sets you apart because almost everyone else just blabs for the sake of blabbing or looking smart or to avoid uncomfortable silences or...

For example, I do not see any reason why you should feel pressured to say anything beyond "thank you" if someone gives you a compliment. I know that in our overly-articulated, get-it-all-out-all-the-time world people can make you feel strange for not saying more, but being a person of few words is only strange in our current context. In other times or cultures, it is an enviable state of being.

Regarding friends who pressure you for info after unloading, I have only known one or two people whose reasons for pursuing info about me after telling me their problems was to listen and give understanding. Usually, I have found that it has more to do with not wanting to feel like the only one in the room with their pants down.

People who are quiet, good listeners are intriguing (since they are usually the only ones in a room not gab-gab-gabbing about themselves). In my opinion, give yourself permission to be quiet and to maintain your boundaries. Once you have given yourself this permission, you may find your anxiety in social situations abating enough to find the right amount of talking for you.
posted by melangell at 2:01 PM on December 4, 2006

First, when someone makes a favorable comment about you, simply say, "thank you." You don't need to elaborate any more than that.

I'm kind of the same way as you are - I don't like to offer any more information about myself than absolutely necessary. I don't think it's necessarily a problem. And if it is a problem, then maybe it's their problem for being so open and puking up too much self-detail.
posted by Sassyfras at 2:04 PM on December 4, 2006

I just want to say, you are not alone.

Just saying thank you, as sassyfras says, is usually all that needs to follow a compliment. I feel intensely uncomfortable saying things like "hey, I got a xx or did xx today". Its a real hang up that people comment on. I see it as not a big deal. it's not about not talkiing so much as not-volunteering-or-initiating-about myself. I also will never pick up a conversational thread if someone interrupts it. If they do, fine. Of course, on mefi, I am an uninhibited boorish bore.

Well, and, sometimes it is necessary to volunteer something. At work, for example, it might be necessary for people to know there was a death in the family. say. For news that does structure social relationships, it can be good to have a mouthpiece, a confidante who will gently spread the news. Rehearse some stock opening gambits: "I had something good/bad happen to me, " " or whatever works once, use it again. Think of it as a speech.
posted by Rumple at 2:43 PM on December 4, 2006

I don't remember posting this! Okay, here's some rules of thumb, like melangell and Sassyfras said, with a compliment, just say thanks or thank you. No need to say, I like your haircut too. Definitely don't try, oh this old thing because it's a bit of a put down for your complimenter.

Try and build up a base of small talk. "Great/hot/wet weather we've been having, isn't it?" Someone who wants to run with it will go, "yeah, and I'm going skiing/swimming/my car broke down it." Someone in a rush (or an introvert) will just say, "Yep."

For a good plain guide, I recommend "How to win friends and influence people" even now though some of it is dated.

How to get away from emotional vampires - tell them that you'd love to be able to listen to them (don't we all wish we had the compassion of the dalai llama - if we did, we could listen to anyone rabbit on - see, you're not lying there), but you are too busy right now. When they suggest another time, tell them that you're not free then (without coming up with an explanation of what you're doing). Keep doing this until they go away.

Oh making small talk. Someone asked me yesterday what I was doing for Xmas. I was wise enough not to say "avoiding all the hype and religousness of a holiday I don't believe in" and I volunteered that my family was spending it with my brother's family because he has a swimming pool. And then (you'll admire the canniness of this) I asked her what she was doing for xmas. This kind of exchange seems to me to be quite common (even if a little bizarre).

/disclaimer: I'm an extreme introvert and so any of the above might be just totally weird, but it works (mostly) for me.
posted by b33j at 2:49 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

And then (you'll admire the canniness of this) I asked her what she was doing for xmas.

Seconding this. I used to be atrocious at small talk and am probably not much better now, but this works because it's what people often expect. They ask you about your X (holiday, opinion etc.) because they want an opportunity to tell you about their own X. What you say about your X sometimes doesn't even matter so long as you end it with "...what about you?"
posted by juv3nal at 3:09 PM on December 4, 2006

People will like you if you get them to talk about themselves.

When someone complements you, just say "thank you" and go back to asking him/her questions about him/herself.
posted by neuron at 3:13 PM on December 4, 2006

I struggled with this problem. At one point, one of my therapists gave me some succinct, but moving advice.

He said, "It's not so much what you say, but how you say it."

For a while, I stopped paying so much attention to what I was saying and its meaning and just focused on being carefree and jovial, in a Lord Henry Wotton sort of way. Worked like a charm.
posted by milarepa at 5:23 PM on December 4, 2006