Know any good Dalai Lama jokes?

September 18, 2006 4:20 PM

Know any good Dalai Lama jokes?

I have to fill a minute with humour at my next Toastmasters meeting. Since the Dalai Lama was recently in town, I thought I'd tell these jokes, but it would be great to have a couple more. This is for an audience of work colleagues, so the jokes can't be at all offensive. (I'm assuming the gentle jokes I linked to won't offend anyone; please steer me right if you're an offended Buddhist.)

posted by timeistight to grab bag (21 comments total)

Why can't the Dalai Lama vacuum under the sofa?

Because he has no attachments.
posted by riotgrrl69 at 4:33 PM on September 18, 2006 [2 favorites]

What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.
posted by jtron at 4:49 PM on September 18, 2006

The hot dog vendor said "that will be $2.50" and the Dalai Lama handed him a five.

And waited.

The Dalia Lama said "Hey where's my change?"

The hot dog vendor said "change must come from within"
posted by jessamyn at 4:55 PM on September 18, 2006

jtron and jessamyn: those jokes are good, but they're also the ones I linked to.

I like riotgrrl69's "no attachments" idea, if I can figure out how to work it in.
posted by timeistight at 5:03 PM on September 18, 2006

I hear the Dali Lama recently fired his gardener, who had a degree in carnations but didn't dig reincarnations.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:55 PM on September 18, 2006

That's Dalai Lama.
I got it confused with the Dali Llama, which is a surreal camelid.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:01 PM on September 18, 2006

Was he the one who was arrested for transporting a Mynah across in State Lions for Immortal Porpoises? Just asking . . .
posted by elmaddog at 6:14 PM on September 18, 2006

The hot dog vendor said "change must come from within"

The Dalai Lama admitted this was true, and ate his hot dog, but it gave him bad breath and bothered his sore tooth.

The Dalai Lama then walked to the dentist to get a filling. Although old and frail, he walked often, and he walked barefoot, as evidenced by the thickness of the soles of his feet. It is for this reason he is known as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

The dentist inspected the Dalai Lama's tooth, and said he could fill the cavity right then. When he offered to use Novacaine, the Dalai Lama declined, saying he wanted to "transcend dental medication."
posted by Wet Spot at 6:41 PM on September 18, 2006 [5 favorites]

Not necessarily what you're looking for (though maybe you could adapt it), but I can't help remembering the Family Guy episode where Peter sees a "Free Tibet" button, rushes to a pay phone, and says, "Hello, China? Yes, *all* the tea" or something to that effect.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 6:44 PM on September 18, 2006

Hellooooo Dalai!!!
posted by mattbucher at 7:43 PM on September 18, 2006

The hot dog vendor asks the Dalai Lama if he wants onion, mustard, chili, ketchup or pickle with his hot dog.

"Make me one with everything" he replies.
posted by essexjan at 8:00 PM on September 18, 2006

Gah! Beaten to it. My excuse, it.s 4am here.
posted by essexjan at 8:00 PM on September 18, 2006

"super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

that's supposed to be a referance to the Mary Poppins song, where they sing something along the lines of "supercallafradgalisticexpialidocious" or whatnot.
posted by alona at 8:34 PM on September 18, 2006

"So, I jump ship in Hong Kong, and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over there in the Himalayas. A looper. You know -- a caddy. A looper. A john. So I tell them I'm a pro john, and who do you think they give me..."
posted by frogan at 9:05 PM on September 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

i knew someone who was so stupid they thought a dalai lama was a peruvian stuffed animal
posted by pyramid termite at 9:41 PM on September 18, 2006

If the Dalai Lama was a redneck, he'd believe in reintarnation.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 10:41 PM on September 18, 2006

The one-l lama, He's a priest...
posted by bruceo at 12:27 AM on September 19, 2006

super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis

That's "super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis." Keep the meter.
posted by jenovus at 8:19 AM on September 19, 2006

Alternative ending to the poem in bruceo's link: a three-l lllama is a helluva fire.
posted by bink at 2:27 PM on September 19, 2006

"Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?"

(On reflection, probably not suitable for your purposes, but it gets me every time...)
posted by metabrilliant at 5:28 PM on September 19, 2006

I'm SO glad frogan posted that link for the clip from Caddyshack. I was thinking about that joke when I read the question, but I didn't think of lookin on youtube. YAY!
posted by youngergirl44 at 6:51 PM on October 12, 2006