How to bring up awkward family problems with boyfriend?

September 10, 2006 7:55 AM

How do I bring up family problems (that I'm not supposed to be aware of) with the guy I'm seeing?

I'm 17. Mandatory eye-rolling at the tendecy of people my age to over dramatize things aside: I've known the guy for a bit over three years now, and we've been dating for the past 9. I'm also really close friends with his older sister, and his sister's best friend. As such, I'm informed of things I probably shouldn't know about.

There is quite the sticky situation at home. There is serious conflict between the parents. I haven't talked to the parents, obviously, so I can't say this objectively, but basically the father is the one completely at fault. I know quite a bit about it both from the sister and the best friend.

The sister has been aware of this situation for a few years, during which her animosity/anger/mistrust towards her father has been steadily growing. She hasn't shared any of it with her one-year-younger brother, partially to protect him, partially because their family isn't one for emotional revelations. As far as I can see, they've both been raised to be very contained when it comes to their emotions. The sister's seemingly unjustified anger at the father has also pulled apart the previously very close siblings.

Recently, though, I've noticed that my boyfriend is being extremely antagonistic towards his dad. His nature is a patient, subdued, calm one, but whenever he speaks to his dad he seems agitated and impatient. While I harbour no intentions of informing him, now or ever, of the things his sister shared with me, I do want to ask if anything is wrong between his father and him. I'm worried that if he did find something out, he won't have anyone to help him through it, as he isn't close to anyone in his family and his sister just moved out for University.

Main problem: He, as I said, is very contained. If something is bothering him, he'll basically ignore/suppress it, so that after a few minutes, it's like it never happened. He'll allude to it neutrally afterwards, but... well. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but that's the way he deals with things. If something had happened within the family, I doube he would tell anyone. This isn't an issue of trust between us, as we're really close friends on top of the relationship. He simply wouldn't tell anyone. How do I bring it up? Do I bring it up at all? Is it completely none of my business?

posted by Phire to Human Relations (11 answers total)

I would tell him that you've noticed that he seems to be upset with his dad lately, and ask him if everything's okay. If he doesn't want to talk about it, it's not your place to force him. So, if he says nothing is wrong, you have to take him at his word. If he says he doesn't want to talk about whatever is wrong, tell him you'll be there if he ever changes his mind and wants to talk. That's all you can do.
posted by amro at 8:06 AM on September 10, 2006

Response by poster: OP-Edit: we've been dating for the past 9 months, not years. Sorry, don't know how I missed that...
posted by Phire at 8:19 AM on September 10, 2006

unless it's starting to affect your relationship, i think you should tread lightly ... what amro advised is as far as you should go

some people deal with things internally without discussing them with other people ... that's him and that's something you're going to have to accept about him, unless it's something that involves his feelings towards you ... if you really can't accept that, i would suggest moving on

he may change in time, but you can't change him, only he can
posted by pyramid termite at 8:51 AM on September 10, 2006

What amro said. And, if you can, talk to the sister and see if you can get her to open up to her brother.
posted by deborah at 8:52 AM on September 10, 2006

Go ahead and ask him. His family troubles may not be any of your business, but his emotional well-being is: he's your friend and your romantic partner.

Just let him know you've noticed the tension in his life and remind him you're there if he needs an ear. It's all you can really do, but there's no reason you shouldn't do it.
posted by Zozo at 8:59 AM on September 10, 2006

amro's advice is spot-on.

Deborah: It's unlikely that she would, especially as the sister just moved many hours away.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 9:14 AM on September 10, 2006

If he knew that you knew, and didn't let on, it would be seen as a breach of trust. Which it is, but it's not quite your fault. Sister and sister's friend should keep their mouths shut. I'd warn sister that you intend to bring it to light, then gently tell boyfriend that you've heard some gossip, and tell him if he needs you, you're available. then be there for him whether he needs to talk about it or not.

This is why, when people tell secrets, it gets very thorny.
posted by theora55 at 9:22 AM on September 10, 2006

(Oh, and I'm the best friend of the sister. Not a sockpuppet of Phire's or any such thing.)

But yeah. amro's advice was as good as you'll get: he is your boyfriend. You care, and you notice something is wrong. Very little bad can happen from an inconspicuous inquiry like amro suggested, and potentially a lot of good.

Ask him what's up. If he doesn't respond, don't push him.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 9:27 AM on September 10, 2006

"but basically the father is the one completely at fault" - forgive my patronising you Phire, and you may be right (I suppose), but that strikes me as a naive remark. it's not all that often in a grown-up married relationship that one person is simply "at fault", even though one or the other partner may describe it that way. just bear in mind that whatever may be going on (a) it's unlikely that it's just a matter of dad being "at fault" and (b), however antagonistically he may be behaving, your boyfriend probably needs to love his dad as well as his mum.
posted by londongeezer at 11:01 AM on September 10, 2006

that strikes me as a naive remark

Yeah, that leapt out at me too. Whatever you decide to do about dealing with your boyfriend, it's not going to help him or anyone else to go into it with the mindset that his father is an asshole. You have no idea what's going on with his father and mother; all you know is what the resentful sister said, and she may not know either. At the very least, whatever she does know is heavily colored by adolescent resentment. Try to put all that stuff out of your mind and concentrate on what your boyfriend seems to need from you. As amro says, see if he wants to talk, and if he doesn't, drop it. His family problems are not (at this point) yours; concentrate on your relationship and its problems, and let the rest go for now.
posted by languagehat at 11:19 AM on September 10, 2006

The best way to help people with a problem, in my not so humble opinion, is to tell them you've noticed they're unhappy/worried/whatever and if you can help somehow, even just by listening, you're there for them.

It's no secret to him that you're close with his sister and so you may know something more than he's told you himself. Don't hide that fact but you don't need to be cagy about it either. A lot of times people tell other people things in order to say it, not so that the other person knows it. Which is also why you shouldn't press it on him that you know - maybe he's not ready to say it yet.

We support others with our presence and understanding, not with knowledge and instructions.
posted by phearlez at 7:40 AM on September 11, 2006