how many cat questions is too many

June 19, 2023 7:27 AM

I'm going to a shelter next week to adopt a cat. I recently had a failed cat adoption experience which was really difficult. What can I do to make sure this time it doesn't fall through?

I posted a question recently about how I had to return my cat after our personalities did not end up being a good fit at all. It was awful and I still feel terrible about the whole thing. (But the cat's doing great in her new home.)

However, even though my ex-cat and I were not a good match, I enjoyed the 'taking care of a cat' aspects of taking care of a cat, if that makes sense, and I found I was good at it. The house feels kind of empty without a cat now. So I'm going back to the shelter this weekend to potentially meet a new cat. (I did speak to the shelter about fostering and apparently I can't foster because I don't have a car... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

I really want this to work out! I've been planning on getting a cat for ages and ages. I've just been waiting for my other life circumstances to make it possible.

I never got to meet cat #1 before taking her home, it was one of those hands-free adoption processes established over the pandemic where you see pictures and videos and ask the shelter questions but you don't actually get to meet the cat before collecting it on adoption day.

I will get to meet about 3 cats the shelter will handpick for me, apparently, based on how good a fit they think it will be.

I know from experience with my ex-cat that a cat's personality in a shelter may be markedly different from its home personality. My ex-cat was independent in the shelter and an extreme Velcro cat with me and also in her current home. With that in mind, what behaviours should I be on the lookout for? I'm really looking for a sociable, relaxed little buddy, not a Velcro cat.

This is my 10th cat question, I think. Ridiculous.

posted by unicorn chaser to Pets & Animals (16 answers total)

This is totally anecdotal, but the Velcro cats I've known have been ones that have experienced abandonment in their life. I think you will be less likely to get another Velcro cat if you 1) adopt 1 or 2 happy little kittens, or 2) adopt a bonded adult pair.
posted by wondermouse at 7:41 AM on June 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Do you have the option to adopt from a foster instead? Because often times the foster person can know a cat's personality better because they've seen the cat living in a home, rather than a shelter.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:50 AM on June 19, 2023 [23 favorites]

Best answer: I always recommend a pair of cats that are bonded because they have each other! A cat on their own is an entirely different personality to a cat in a community. I have had many many cats, and I can think of only one who absolutely despised other cats and wanted to be a solo cat. The rest, even if they were not cuddly, preferred to hang out as much with the other cats as the humans.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:52 AM on June 19, 2023 [8 favorites]

Seconding BlahLaLa's suggestion. It's very difficult to assess a cat's true personality in a shelter and I really don't want you to go through an adoption fail again.
posted by cooker girl at 7:54 AM on June 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Definitely look for an older cat who is at least three years old. By then they have settled into their personality. Every cat I'ved owned has gone through an "adolescence" where they are little hellions. Then they calm down and are like totally different cats.

I agree that it can be hard to assess a cat's personality in a shelter. Play with the cats, pick them up, see how accepting they are of pets, "talk" to them (my cat almost never shuts up and is super bossy).
posted by brookeb at 8:11 AM on June 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: What can I do to make sure this time it doesn't fall through?

Nothing. Best you can do is make it less likely to fall through; you can never be sure that it won't. So I strongly advise that you resolve ahead of time not to beat yourself up if it does.

I will get to meet about 3 cats the shelter will handpick for me, apparently, based on how good a fit they think it will be.

That gives you a better chance of this adoption not falling through than you had with the last one. But I think doing it BlahLaLa's way would give you an even better one.

Best of luck! We're all mrrping for you.
posted by flabdablet at 8:20 AM on June 19, 2023 [13 favorites]

I’m writing in support of YOU!! You are caring and loving and flexible. The fact that you’ve asked so many questions shows how much you care, which is a positive! You are ready!!! I have had multiple cats, some hard with sad ends, but ultimately everything worked out. I have my best-ever cats now, a cuddler I adopted without even meeting, and his brother whom I found on my doorstep a few months later. Two years later and I’m so happy!! I think they are too. In fact, we’re all sitting on my balcony together watching nature as I drink my coffee and reply to you. Sadly, so often for pets we have struggled and had mismatches but we keep going. One day it all works out and it’s all worth it!! I hope that day happens very soon for you. Having cats is a highlight of my life and all the challenges have been worth it in the end. Good luck!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:46 AM on June 19, 2023 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for the good advice and also for the moral support, guys. ᓚᘏᗢ
posted by unicorn chaser at 9:45 AM on June 19, 2023 [7 favorites]

Is it an option for you to volunteer at a shelter for a while to get to know the cats better? I adopted my wonderful animals after spending time with them as a volunteer at a shelter and it helped so much in terms of knowing how they will interact after coming home with me.

And I just want to reiterate that even though your last adoption ended with a different placement, it wasn't a failure because you did what was best for both you and the cat and that is what good cat parents do. Please be gentle on yourself. Best wishes for your upcoming adopton.
posted by mezzanayne at 10:48 AM on June 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

Maybe you can't foster with that shelter, but there are a lot of cat rescue/fostering organizations around. You might feel safer fostering, so maybe call some of them?

If you're in London (I followed the link trail from your profile) there are probably a TON of cat fostering orgs around, and I imagine some of them are pro-public-transit. If I were running a fostering org, I'd try to partner non-car-owning fosterers with people/case managers who had cars.

I am into your cat emoji characters and will unpack that later :)

ᓚᘏᗢ
posted by amtho at 11:02 AM on June 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: My advice is don’t feel pressured to adopt one even if you fear disappointing the shelter (or the kitties.) I’m usually more logical but I do think cats are just kind of…you’ll know when you know. If you don’t get that firm sense of “ah, here’s my cat” then better to walk away.
posted by kapers at 11:07 AM on June 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Seconding the idea to ask about fostering at some other shelters or rescues. Different organizations have different policies, and I bet there may be one that would be happy to let you foster even without a car.

Also seconding the idea that there is absolutely nothing you can do to ensure that things work out this time — you can make it less likely, but really a lot of it comes down to luck. So please don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out again! You are doing everything you can. I hope it works out this time, but if it doesn’t, it almost certainly won’t be your fault, it will just be bad luck. Be gentle with yourself.

I’m rooting for you!
posted by peperomia at 12:37 PM on June 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Good luck! You will find the right cat.

But, as a dog person, well yeah, they are cats. Cats act like cats, which can be pretty unpredictable, as they are so weird. Hope we will get to see a cat tax at some point.
posted by Windopaene at 1:22 PM on June 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

And even when your cat is well settled - we adopted two desexed sisters, and we thought they were settled enough to be let outside after two months, at which point one of them discovered that the neighbours had a superior menu and moved out after six months. The sister stayed with us.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 4:29 PM on June 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

I do think cats are just kind of…you’ll know when you know. If you don’t get that firm sense of “ah, here’s my cat” then better to walk away.

Agreed (though I've mostly adopted feral / backyard cats who found me).
posted by slidell at 5:39 PM on June 21, 2023

Response by poster: Wanted to update as I got so many kind answers. I went to the shelter and got introduced to 2 cats whom the shelter felt would fit my home/preferences. Long story short, I didn't feel a connection with either of them and I feel like I disappointed the shelter. One of the cats in particular, I felt like the shelter were really keen I take home but I just couldn't connect with her at all.

There was a third cat I met - whom I wasn't supposed to. She is not ready for rehoming. I did feel a connection to her. She was describe as attention-seeking, which was a red flag to me, but when I met her, she was just very sweet and confident. She wanted lots of pets, but then curled up at my feet purring and wasn't all over me the way my ex-cat was. I liked her best, but she won't be ready to be adopted for a while and they can't reserve her for me; I'm just going to have to wait till she becomes available and hope no one else gets in there first. I'm vaguely worried that confidence and friendliness could translate to Velcro-cat neediness but honestly I didn't get that vibe from her.
posted by unicorn chaser at 7:56 AM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]