That's Not My Name

May 9, 2023 1:53 PM

I have a relatively common name for my area. Let's say it's James and that I do not go by Jim at all. When I introduce myself as James, some people immediately say "Hi Jim! Nice to meet you!". Why?

I don't understand it. I am not mumbling or saying it unclearly. I would never say "Hi Mike! To someone who just introduced themselves as Michael. I would use the name they just gave me.

I'm not mad about this. It's rare for me to get pushback when I correct someone, so it isn't a big deal. But it happens pretty regularly, and even seems to be getting more common for some reason. I must be missing something. What am I missing? Does this happen to other people too?

posted by Garm to Human Relations (31 answers total)

I'm a Jennifer, who introduces myself as Jennifer, and probably 75% of people immediately call me "Jen". So yes, it happens to everyone with a long name where there's an easy nickname. Maybe trying to be familiar/casual/friendly? I don't know, I just roll with it since I hate my name anyway.
posted by jabes at 1:57 PM on May 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

It's habit for a lot of people. I think most people will comply with your wishes when corrected.

I am a James who goes by Jim. Occasionally someone will call me Jimmy. My response is "Only my mom gets to call me Jimmy." It usually only takes one correction.
posted by bondcliff at 2:05 PM on May 9, 2023 [13 favorites]

I get Lizzed a lot. If it's an old friend, it's fine. New friends get a firm, gentle "Elizabeth" correction with a soft smile. It's about all you can do. Don't get agitated or seem tetchy, and most people will catch on.
posted by verbminx at 2:06 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

I think people (mistakenly) suggest you are being formal, because there are Jims who introduce themselves as James. (I know a Kim and Beth who use their formal names in introductions, for example.)

I'd go ahead and correct people right away: "Nice to meet you as well! I go by James, not Jim, by the way." Say it with a smile if you need to to make it easier to say.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:12 PM on May 9, 2023 [18 favorites]

I think most people don't mean anything by it. I remember being introduced to a superior named Michael and saying "hi Mike" without any conscious intention whatsoever and being mortified when he corrected me. But I swear no part of my conscious brain decided it was a good idea to use a nickname unprompted with a supervisor!
posted by praemunire at 2:14 PM on May 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

I think its because some names just feel too formal and long for regular use. Jennifer is a good example, Jonathan, Kimberly, Bethany... I almost automatically convert them to diminutives/nicknames in my head after I am introduced, though I try to use the name they introduce themselves as.
posted by RajahKing at 2:25 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

As to the "why", nicknames are a way to show you like a person and consider them to be a friend or a friendly acquaintance.
posted by Brain Sturgeon at 2:25 PM on May 9, 2023 [14 favorites]

People do this to me too, I take it as them being friendly and showing that we are past certain formalities. If it's going to be a continuing relationship I correct them.
posted by Emmy Rae at 2:28 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

In some cultures, hypocoristics are about signalling friendliness and in-group status. Using the full formal name might be seen as standoffish and unwelcoming. As an Australian in the US, I've had to consciously rein in my tendency to abbreviate.
posted by zamboni at 2:30 PM on May 9, 2023 [13 favorites]

I have a five letter name that many people confuse for a different name that is eight letters-both include the same first four letters. It happens enough with a wide range of folks that I just chalk it up to human brain weirdness. (It annoys me to no end because the longer name is one that I have lots of negative associations with, but I clarify, and correct, and don't show my annoyance outwardly.)
posted by momochan at 2:41 PM on May 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

I can't speak for everyone but I'll occasionally say something stupid in my head when I'm meeting people to give that new information a brain anchor and help me retain it. So a James-Jim-Jimothy or a Richard-Rick-Richolas or a Zachary-Zach-Zatch. Every little once in a while the dumb name will pop out and they'll be like "uh did you just say Jimothy?" and I'll have to be like "heh heh hey it's an option I think it could suit you" 😎👉👉 and walk away and die.

Nthing it's likely meaningless, just correct and move on.
posted by phunniemee at 2:56 PM on May 9, 2023 [9 favorites]

Peter here. I'm only "Pete" to a very small subset of people, (got a "Petie" at my Aunt's funeral last week, from someone who's known me my whole life.) People call me Pete as a term of endearment, I assume, and are amenable to mild correction. In the USA, folks just assume that informality is the default. I have one acquaintance, Elizabeth, who ALWAYS calls me "Pete," no matter how many times she's corrected by me, my partner, or our mutual friends. I call her "Betsey" in retaliation because I'm petty like that, and I like the look of confusion as she tries to understand just how I came up with that. I have an acquaintance, a rock musician of some renown, who I knew as "Doug," who then became somewhat famous and preferred to be called "Duke." I thought that was silly and continued to call him Doug, until I came to the realization that just as I have a right to a preference, so does he. Lately, according to scuttlebutt, he's partial to Doug again. Next time I see him, I'll ask. We all do the best we can given the information we're working with, and most people want to feel a closer connection to us than may actually exist.
posted by Floydd at 3:01 PM on May 9, 2023 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: For me a good chunk of it comes from customers who aren't going to interact with me socially and it can often come at the end of an interaction instead of the beginning, so it feels weird. Also, like James and Jim, the nickname of my name doesn't actually take less time to say.

But it sounds like people are trying to be friendly and/or it's just an automatic thing that people do. Thanks for the responses and advice!
posted by Garm at 3:05 PM on May 9, 2023

Does this happen to other people too?

Heck, I've had it go the other way - I usually go by the short form of my name, and some folks seem to default to the longer version.

What am I missing?

Assuming you're in the US, there's a certain self-generated cultural mythology that we're friendly, gregarious, and informal. (Very generally speaking, of course, and somewhat variable by region.) That plus probably the rise of social media where lots of people are your "friends" even if you've never met them IRL, and people tend to default to the less formal version of your name.

IOW, what zamboni says, in less formal terms. (ba dum ching)
posted by soundguy99 at 3:05 PM on May 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

They may also know another James who HATES being called James and they’ve trained themselves out of James. (This is a variation on the theme of this being largely subconscious.)
posted by kapers at 3:08 PM on May 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

It's utterly normal for people to initially assume you fit a common pattern they have observed out in the world, and then when they find out you don't fit the normal pattern, they shrug and adapt to your correction without getting offended.

You make the same type of pattern-based assumptions in all kinds of other ways every day! For example, you make assumptions about most people's gender identity based on their clothing even when you haven't been told their pronouns... and you do that based on adherence to common patterns. Then if you are informed that your assumption does not apply here, you accept the correction and adapt without getting offended.

This is the opposite of weird! It's so utterly normal. How else would we exist in the world, if not by making initial assumptions based on patterns, and correcting as we go along? We would all be dead rather quickly if we stopped to question every assumption we are making about the world around us based on common patterns. Like, we would worry that the air in the room may no longer be safe to breathe without first testing it, or something!
posted by MiraK at 3:21 PM on May 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

This happens to me too. My name is David and I hate it when people call me Dave instead. I'll generally correct people once the first time it happens by saying 'it's David, actually' but I don't bother after that. I've learned that some people just won't change what they're used to and also learned to accept that. However, if you call me 'Davo' (common Australian term for someone called David), I'll just ignore you as if you weren't even there.
posted by dg at 4:00 PM on May 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

As with dress it seems like things just get less formal over time—in this specific circumstance you can read old books and letters and watch people go from Mr. Doe and Christian names are for, like, family members and betrothed lovers to "sir" or "Mr. Doe" for strangers and authority figures to now where it's unusual if someone calls you Mr. Doe when you aren't their teacher. I think this is just another step along those lines. (I went by, to use your example, James all my life and then in college people just started calling me Jim all the time and now I'm Jim.)

As a Victorian novel fan I love the trappings of 19th century letter-writing and shades of formality and would prefer to communicate within those restraints given the option, but even at that moment there are slightly older people saying "man I would never have been as informal as you are!" about what seem to us to be pretty buttoned-up letters or conversations.

As with any other step along this continuum I think you can stop it if it's important to you, but you'll have to be explicit about it sometimes since it's not the overwhelming consensus everywhere anymore.
posted by Polycarp at 4:19 PM on May 9, 2023

Now that you mention it, I've knows a ton of Jameses in my life, and not a single one of them has preferred to be called James. Not even my schoolmate whose use of the diminutive form meant that he was known as "Jim Class." So I suppose it's possible that these people are assuming that you don't use your given name because they've had experiences similar to mine?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:55 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

For what it's worth, while my husband has your James/Jim issue, I'm seeing the opposite with my newborn son- his name is something like Jacob, and we call him Jake, but we've been getting plenty of people defaulting to Jacob, and/or politely asking if we're calling him Jake. Part of this might be a bias: you don't notice all the times people get it right, but you do notice all the times they get it wrong!
posted by damayanti at 5:21 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

As to the "why", nicknames are a way to show you like a person and consider them to be a friend or a friendly acquaintance.

I have a name that everyone tries to shorten, and while I absolutely understand that people mean it in a friendly way, it comes off as disrespectful. I hate it;, butlike everyone this happens to I correct it in some situations and live with it in others. Calling people by the version of the name they prefer is just basic respect, same as using their preferred pronouns.

Something I've noticed is that when I can keep the majority of people around me using my full name, then other people pick up on that and it basically keeps its momentum. But if a bunch of people choose to ignore my preferences and use the short version, it's much harder to get it switched back. So I try to err a bit more on the side of correcting people instead of letting it ride.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:23 PM on May 9, 2023 [7 favorites]

People like to abbreviate and nickname, period. Just say you prefer Longname.

Per a theater friend of mine the other night: "I'm William, Bill is my dad" (I note he's the 4th of his name).
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:31 PM on May 9, 2023 [4 favorites]

One way to think about is that there are a number of competing rule sets here, similar to our old friends Ask and Guess. James 1 is pleased when their new acquaintance immediately shortens it to Jim. James 2 finds this behavior overly familiar, but might appreciate it on longer acquaintance. James 3 is offended by any variation from their name as given.

As the new acquaintance, the fun is trying to infer which rule set a given James is working from.
posted by zamboni at 7:50 PM on May 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

I bet that, like praemunire, a lot of people don’t realize they’ve done it. I imagine when it comes to names with a common diminutive, that nickname is like an attractor and if your name is close people will fall into its use without realizing it. You ever met a Coral who’s sick of being called Carol by mistake? Or a Michele who’s tired of correcting every email addressed to Michelle? That’s my guess.
posted by eirias at 8:14 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

Ugh. I have this issue and the short form is nails on a chalkboard annoying. I'll correct people twice, maybe three times in a big crowd because my observation matches Dip Flash's that it's catching. But otherwise just grind and bear it.

The flip side is I've got your back. I almost always ask what people prefer if multiple versions are used (or if their name tag says James but people are calling them Jim) and will privately mention to people what their preference is if they are using the wrong version.
posted by Mitheral at 8:52 PM on May 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

I don't think it's a super deep thing.

If you have a common name, people will instinctively take the mental shortcut of defaulting to the most common version of that name.

So if you're Michael, most people with that name go by Mike, default to Mike. Jameses tend to be Jims, Jennifers are Jen, etc.

It's annoying to be misnamed (my own name is frequently mistaken for a similar one, so I get it).

But I don't think it's personal.
posted by champers at 2:28 AM on May 10, 2023 [2 favorites]

The misnamed status is particularly bad at the office. There is no reason to be mistaken for someone else. Try this approach:
"The presentation was successful. Good job, Jim."
"Thanks. By the way, we have had several people in the company with that name. I always go by James, never Jim or Jimmy. Now about that memo...."
posted by TrishaU at 2:41 AM on May 10, 2023

Here's my take on this. I'm a Jim. Everyone I know calls me Jim.

My given name is James. All government and business forms have been signed "James X. Lastname." What else would I fill in there? That's my official denomination.

Computers process that information and address me as "James." So do the business nobodies I deal with on the phone. I think they're trying to gaslight me and get my favor by pretending they're my friends. That's right, they think that by calling me James they can give me warm feelings toward them.

Thing is, nobody who knows me calls me James. So they're wrong. Calling me James proves they're not my friends. The way to get my warm feelings would be to give me respect, not fake friendship, by calling me Mr. Lastname. The telephone nobodies, at least, should know this. But they don't.

So, as you said in your update, and as in the later comments, it's a cultural thing to fake familiarity by misnaming people, it's increasing, and I don't think it can be stopped.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:54 AM on May 10, 2023 [1 favorite]

My situation is a little weird. My name is already often used as a nickname (Cathy) but it is my full first name. People I barely even know immediately shorten that to Cath, which always throws me, because only people who are family or friends call me that. Even weirder is if they call me Cat, which only my parents and siblings use. I don't generally object, but it I find it mildly irritating that strangers are adopting a familiarity with me they haven't earned.

And then there are the people who insist on calling me Catherine, which is not my name at all. Teachers used to tell me all the time that my name couldn't be Cathy because that's a nickname. It happens more than I would like in work emails, where my name is clearly "Cathy" in the email address and is also the name I sign off with. But Catherine is what I get. Don't even get me started on the people who don't notice it starts with a "C" and not a "K".

Oof. I didn't realize how much this still bothers me.
posted by ceejaytee at 6:17 AM on May 10, 2023 [4 favorites]

I have a couple of coworkers with "two first names"-names. Think, Michael James, or John Scott. They get the exact same nickname/shortening that we're talking about here, plus people randomly picking one of their names to use as a first name. "Hi James!" (Or worse: "Hi Jim!") "Actually I'm Michael, James is my last name." "Oh, Mike, I'm so sorry."

We commiserate about name struggles and will correct people for each other. Interestingly, most of our junior new hires (i.e., people in their first "real" job, usually pretty fresh out of school) in the last few years have had to be specifically mentored about the importance of using people's preferred name, both with coworkers and when communicating with outside entitities (and including the occasional person who wants to be called Mr X or Dr Y). They all adapt to it quickly, but each time it has taken some direct mentorship time.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:47 AM on May 10, 2023

And then there are the people who insist on calling me Catherine, which is not my name at all.

My mother and one of her brothers both have proper names that are common diminutives of other names, and they both went through thirteen years of teachers insisting their names couldn't be their real names. I can understand teachers getting tongue-tied over rare names or mixed up on uncommon spellings, but I've never been able to wrap my head around this one. They have access to the official school register, don't they?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:08 AM on May 10, 2023