What goes into a Baptist funeral, broke tek edition?
January 31, 2023 9:32 AM Subscribe
I need to organize a low-budget graveside memorial service for my dad, since he died destitute and I am not a Baptist, although he was. Details below the fold.
My dad died in October and was raised Southern Baptist in the north Texas region in the 50s and 60s. He was private and I was not raised Baptist, so I have pretty much no clue what goes into a funeral service for a graveside memorial in these types of situations.
Details:
-He has already been cremated and I will be transporting the cremains when we fly to Texas for the memorial service.
-We have a biodegradable urn, and are planning on placing my dad's cremains in that before burying it, and we are planning on digging the hole ourselves too. The funeral home staff have stated that we can simply dig a small hole next to his mother's grave, that there's no need to purchase a separate plot.
- Likewise I have ordered his gravestone and that is being shipped directly to the funeral home until the memorial date.
This will be in Clarendon, Texas.
But otherwise, what do I need for a memorial service for a Baptist?
- Do I need to find/pay for a minster (preacher?) to officiate?
(The funeral home will probably offer to find one, but we don't want to have to pay them to do this for us. We have to do this CHEAP.)
- Can I contact one from a local congregation, is it customary to always pay, or might some congregations offer this for free?
- What is the order of operations for a Baptist graveside service?
- Is a chapel service expected?
- Is it customary to provide memorial cards (as Catholics do)?
- Are there certain Biblical passeges or religious liturgy associated with Baptist funerals?
I really know absolutely nothing about any of this, and my dad was bamboozled by online scammers in 2020/21 who made off with the entire value of the mortgage (he took out a second mortage in 2020 and barely paid that down) and the contents of his life savings. He also had no funeral fund/savings/plan of any kind for this set aside, and we feel that I have already paid a huge price in the past year in handling the affairs for both of my now-dead parents, so are looking to do this as frugally and (elegantly) simple as possible.
My dad died in October and was raised Southern Baptist in the north Texas region in the 50s and 60s. He was private and I was not raised Baptist, so I have pretty much no clue what goes into a funeral service for a graveside memorial in these types of situations.
Details:
-He has already been cremated and I will be transporting the cremains when we fly to Texas for the memorial service.
-We have a biodegradable urn, and are planning on placing my dad's cremains in that before burying it, and we are planning on digging the hole ourselves too. The funeral home staff have stated that we can simply dig a small hole next to his mother's grave, that there's no need to purchase a separate plot.
- Likewise I have ordered his gravestone and that is being shipped directly to the funeral home until the memorial date.
This will be in Clarendon, Texas.
But otherwise, what do I need for a memorial service for a Baptist?
- Do I need to find/pay for a minster (preacher?) to officiate?
(The funeral home will probably offer to find one, but we don't want to have to pay them to do this for us. We have to do this CHEAP.)
- Can I contact one from a local congregation, is it customary to always pay, or might some congregations offer this for free?
- What is the order of operations for a Baptist graveside service?
- Is a chapel service expected?
- Is it customary to provide memorial cards (as Catholics do)?
- Are there certain Biblical passeges or religious liturgy associated with Baptist funerals?
I really know absolutely nothing about any of this, and my dad was bamboozled by online scammers in 2020/21 who made off with the entire value of the mortgage (he took out a second mortage in 2020 and barely paid that down) and the contents of his life savings. He also had no funeral fund/savings/plan of any kind for this set aside, and we feel that I have already paid a huge price in the past year in handling the affairs for both of my now-dead parents, so are looking to do this as frugally and (elegantly) simple as possible.
Response by poster: He moved away a long time ago, and I know what his childhood congregation was, but I doubt they are still around. And all of the local family with immediate connections to him have moved away. There are definitely Baptist congregations in that area/town, though.
posted by erattacorrige at 9:50 AM on January 31, 2023
posted by erattacorrige at 9:50 AM on January 31, 2023
How many people do you expect to be there outside of your immediate family? Seems to me like those people would be the ones to have expectations surrounding this stuff. If there will be people from his generation, I think they'd understand having either only a graveside service or only a chapel service but either way, I think they'd expect to have a pastor there. Also, most protestant funeral services that I've been to have been at the funeral home, not at a church.
I don't remember getting a memorial card for protestant funerals but the last one I went to was a while ago. I do seem to remember a folded piece of paper with the order of service on it and a photo of the deceased and maybe their obituary.
I think your best bet might be to ask the funeral director for advice. They are really good at guiding people through this and will offer you options. Just make sure you are really clear on pricing for everything.
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:04 AM on January 31, 2023
I don't remember getting a memorial card for protestant funerals but the last one I went to was a while ago. I do seem to remember a folded piece of paper with the order of service on it and a photo of the deceased and maybe their obituary.
I think your best bet might be to ask the funeral director for advice. They are really good at guiding people through this and will offer you options. Just make sure you are really clear on pricing for everything.
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:04 AM on January 31, 2023
Response by poster: Do Baptists have pastors though? I thought they had ministers...
Direct family only.
Yes, I am in touch with the funeral home folks, but I don't want to ask them for anything, I want to tell them what WE want to do, because, well, they are salepeople at the end of the day. So far they have been flexible and understanding.
posted by erattacorrige at 10:07 AM on January 31, 2023
Direct family only.
Yes, I am in touch with the funeral home folks, but I don't want to ask them for anything, I want to tell them what WE want to do, because, well, they are salepeople at the end of the day. So far they have been flexible and understanding.
posted by erattacorrige at 10:07 AM on January 31, 2023
Best answer: Hello, I'm sorry for your loss.
I was raised Southern Baptist, and have been to many Southern Baptist funerals for people from my hometown, for many relatives from my huge extended family, as well as for my own parents. There is no firmly set order of service that must be strictly observed. (The independence of each congregation is highly valued.) Usually the funeral service goes something like this: guests are seated, then the family processes in and is seated in the front, then a short welcome by the minster, a prayer, scripture reading, singing of a hymn, then the main speaker (sermon or eulogy) then a closing prayer. A much shorter graveside service usually follows. The funeral home arranges a tent over the burial site and sets up folding chairs. The officiant says a few words or tells an anecdote about the deceased, reads a short scripture, then a closing prayer. Then the officiant goes down the row shaking the hands of the close relatives sitting on the front. Then everybody leaves. Since you're planning a graveside service only, you could do a shorter version of the funeral service, minus the singing of the hymn.
There is sometimes a printed program handed out at the funeral, but no prayer card. The printed program is optional, and for a graveside service not necessary at all. And the speaker at the funeral sometimes talks about the life of the deceased person, but sometimes it's more like a sermon about the importance of accepting Jesus., the resurrection, and the promise of eternal life. So if you find a minister, you can provide some guidance on details of your dad's life as well as anything in particular you'd like included. I've been to funerals where the service was wonderful and personal, and also to a couple that were very generic and impersonal. I don't think you necessarily need an ordained Baptist minister to officiate, but that's just my opinion. You can find one by calling the regional Southern Baptist Association or just by calling the church office of any Southern Baptist church in the area.
Hope that helps, and again, sorry you're having to deal with this.
posted by MelissaSimon at 10:12 AM on January 31, 2023 [7 favorites]
I was raised Southern Baptist, and have been to many Southern Baptist funerals for people from my hometown, for many relatives from my huge extended family, as well as for my own parents. There is no firmly set order of service that must be strictly observed. (The independence of each congregation is highly valued.) Usually the funeral service goes something like this: guests are seated, then the family processes in and is seated in the front, then a short welcome by the minster, a prayer, scripture reading, singing of a hymn, then the main speaker (sermon or eulogy) then a closing prayer. A much shorter graveside service usually follows. The funeral home arranges a tent over the burial site and sets up folding chairs. The officiant says a few words or tells an anecdote about the deceased, reads a short scripture, then a closing prayer. Then the officiant goes down the row shaking the hands of the close relatives sitting on the front. Then everybody leaves. Since you're planning a graveside service only, you could do a shorter version of the funeral service, minus the singing of the hymn.
There is sometimes a printed program handed out at the funeral, but no prayer card. The printed program is optional, and for a graveside service not necessary at all. And the speaker at the funeral sometimes talks about the life of the deceased person, but sometimes it's more like a sermon about the importance of accepting Jesus., the resurrection, and the promise of eternal life. So if you find a minister, you can provide some guidance on details of your dad's life as well as anything in particular you'd like included. I've been to funerals where the service was wonderful and personal, and also to a couple that were very generic and impersonal. I don't think you necessarily need an ordained Baptist minister to officiate, but that's just my opinion. You can find one by calling the regional Southern Baptist Association or just by calling the church office of any Southern Baptist church in the area.
Hope that helps, and again, sorry you're having to deal with this.
posted by MelissaSimon at 10:12 AM on January 31, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I am sorry for your loss and for this added stress. I would suggest contacting a local Baptist congregation that is familiar to your family, even if they have moved away from the area and are not members. You can explain your situation, and that given his faith, it would be your father's/family's wish to have a pastor officiate a simple graveside service. Note that he was destitute and you are limited with funds. We've never "paid" a pastor for officiating a funeral. (Although we chose to give a $100 donation to the church afterwards). Best wishes.
posted by fies at 10:14 AM on January 31, 2023
posted by fies at 10:14 AM on January 31, 2023
My condolences on your loss.
So I'm not a mortician but I did marry one, and ended up co-owner of a funeral home. The rules on this stuff are very state-by-state so I can't tell you 100% what they do in Texas, but I can give you general advice about how things usually are:
A lot of your questions are things a Baptist pastor is best equipped to answer. A good approach would be to find a pastor you like/trust in the area and have them guide you through some of these questions. Typically they expect an "honorarium" as payment -- in my community between $100 and $200 -- but if that's a hardship they'll slide their scale, perhaps to zero, because the benefit of clergy is for all the faithful.
Funeral homes are required by federal law to give you their basic breakdown of pricing within the first few minutes of a meeting; the "general price list". If you're worried about the cost of their services that will tell you plainly what things cost. More importantly, if you haven't agreed to anything on that list they can't charge you. So small advice over the phone like "do we have to buy another plot" or "what minister would you recommend" are often free. I will say do our best to find ways to take care of people in financial hardship, and that is one area a good funeral home differentiates itself from a predatory one. If it's not your home state it can be hard to find one that clicks with you but you do always have the freedom to choose, or even change funeral homes.
I will say that having the headstone ordered and shipped to one already does create a business relationship there so you're probably on the hook for some charges already for their services in receiving, storing, and installing the headstone. I'd call them and clarify that. It can also be a positive: if you're already going to have to pay for their help get all the help you can from them. And discuss your financial situation to see what they can do for you to help you out.
Lastly, digging a grave is hard work, even a small one that's only urn-sized. Sometimes families want to do that because it's more personal, or because it's cheaper, and end up frustrated with a situation where it's been hours and the hole is half-dug and the mourners are getting impatient and it's kind of a bad scene. Make sure you know what it takes to dig a hole that size, in that type of soil, or have a plan B ready.
As a broader piece of advice: your time is worth something, especially if mourning makes it harder for you to be the perfect organizational superboss of all the many-many details of a memorial. Take some time to reflect on how important being frugal vs. being elegantly simple is for you because that's a critical tradeoff: you could do all this more cheaply by taking on a huge organizational burden, and some people are all for that, but it can also be overwhelming. Ask yourself what it's worth to you to have someone else worry about detail X or Y.
posted by traveler_ at 10:15 AM on January 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
So I'm not a mortician but I did marry one, and ended up co-owner of a funeral home. The rules on this stuff are very state-by-state so I can't tell you 100% what they do in Texas, but I can give you general advice about how things usually are:
A lot of your questions are things a Baptist pastor is best equipped to answer. A good approach would be to find a pastor you like/trust in the area and have them guide you through some of these questions. Typically they expect an "honorarium" as payment -- in my community between $100 and $200 -- but if that's a hardship they'll slide their scale, perhaps to zero, because the benefit of clergy is for all the faithful.
Funeral homes are required by federal law to give you their basic breakdown of pricing within the first few minutes of a meeting; the "general price list". If you're worried about the cost of their services that will tell you plainly what things cost. More importantly, if you haven't agreed to anything on that list they can't charge you. So small advice over the phone like "do we have to buy another plot" or "what minister would you recommend" are often free. I will say do our best to find ways to take care of people in financial hardship, and that is one area a good funeral home differentiates itself from a predatory one. If it's not your home state it can be hard to find one that clicks with you but you do always have the freedom to choose, or even change funeral homes.
I will say that having the headstone ordered and shipped to one already does create a business relationship there so you're probably on the hook for some charges already for their services in receiving, storing, and installing the headstone. I'd call them and clarify that. It can also be a positive: if you're already going to have to pay for their help get all the help you can from them. And discuss your financial situation to see what they can do for you to help you out.
Lastly, digging a grave is hard work, even a small one that's only urn-sized. Sometimes families want to do that because it's more personal, or because it's cheaper, and end up frustrated with a situation where it's been hours and the hole is half-dug and the mourners are getting impatient and it's kind of a bad scene. Make sure you know what it takes to dig a hole that size, in that type of soil, or have a plan B ready.
As a broader piece of advice: your time is worth something, especially if mourning makes it harder for you to be the perfect organizational superboss of all the many-many details of a memorial. Take some time to reflect on how important being frugal vs. being elegantly simple is for you because that's a critical tradeoff: you could do all this more cheaply by taking on a huge organizational burden, and some people are all for that, but it can also be overwhelming. Ask yourself what it's worth to you to have someone else worry about detail X or Y.
posted by traveler_ at 10:15 AM on January 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
Wikipedia says they use Pastor. As a non-Baptist protestant growing up, we used the terms Pastor, Minister, and Reverend pretty interchangeably.
posted by soelo at 10:20 AM on January 31, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by soelo at 10:20 AM on January 31, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you call a Baptist church local to where the burial will be, they will help you. If they don't, call a different Baptist nearby church -- there will likely be several. Don't worry about what to call the minister/pastor/reverend. If you explain that you want to honor your Dad, they will help you -- and if they don't, they will likely cause you other problems about the service, so use this to weed them out.
Don't worry about what kind of Baptist he was, they will all cover the essentials of a burial service in the same way. The church will have someone who can help you with this, either the pastor themselves or a staff member who is tasked with organizing these kinds of services (at which a pastor will/can be present, if you wish).
I am sorry for your loss. You are doing a good thing by honoring him this way.
posted by OrangeDisk at 11:00 AM on January 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
Don't worry about what kind of Baptist he was, they will all cover the essentials of a burial service in the same way. The church will have someone who can help you with this, either the pastor themselves or a staff member who is tasked with organizing these kinds of services (at which a pastor will/can be present, if you wish).
I am sorry for your loss. You are doing a good thing by honoring him this way.
posted by OrangeDisk at 11:00 AM on January 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I went to very few funerals in Texas that WEREN'T hijacked by one of them, who claimed to have met the deceased once on his deathbed and convinced him to be saved and so now he's snuggled up to Jesus instead of roasting in hell like all of you will if you don't accept etc etc lord and savior amen. I'm not sure you can keep them away without some effort. And yeah, the funeral home will know them all and can do this, but I don't know if they charge for making that phone call.
There are no SBC-specific death rites unless you count the one above, with an not-specifically-Baptist-but-feasible exception I'll mention in a moment but you didn't mention it so it's probably not in play. Baptist funerals are for the living as the body's just a vessel, so you only need stress about this insofar as you need to avoid offending someone who expects this specific kind of service for comfort and propriety. If nobody's going to get mad and give you a headache about it, you aren't obligated to do anything at all. I honestly have no recollection of the pastor ever coming to the gravesite - they did their bit at the service in all those cases, and there was only one cremation and the urn wasn't interred so that one was only a service. The funeral directors always hosted the graveside bit as far as I can recall, usually with one friend or family member doing a reading, and maybe if a friend/family was a singer there might be a live song.
Exception: my grandfather was a Freemason. His funeral was out of state from where he lived so the funeral director in the other state did all the talking and reading at the funeral home chapel. That had to have been a choice my grandmother and mom made, probably a pretty pointed one. And the funeral director handled the arrangements for the local Freemasons to come do their...ritual...over the casket there. (Nobody warned me. I had never seen that before. I'm a witch and I know what I saw and I am frankly still a little shocked papaw was involved in all that.) And then the funeral home took care of the military paperwork for the graveside flag ceremony and National Guard flyover and 21-gun salute and kept the timeline moving correctly for all that to happen, which was pretty much the entirety of the graveside portion along with a bible reading.
You can pick any church out of the phone book and they will likely send someone with a nice haircut to do the above and emcee the graveside service. You can also ask any friend of your dad who has offered to help, and they probably know someone. I assume the church representative expects a gratuity but they do it to advertise, so you could probably get away with not. They make up their own titles and hierarchies, so don't worry too much about that. You can tell them there's not much money and you will probably get the youth pastor or a sunday school teacher, but it's still better if you give them something for gas and lunch.
You could also just give cash to a theatre student or local DJ to say whatever you want said, or give a brief speech of your own, or just play a song on a boombox. I am fairly certain the funeral directors will host and read whatever you want, and you are already going to be paying them to be there anyway.
Literally all that matters in that belief system is whether one was Saved or not, and it's fine to assume he at some point in his life accepted Jesus etc etc and so that part is covered. Do what works for you now in this time, with no worries that it will redirect him to the wrong place or anything. Do nothing if it is cheaper and that is all you are up for. You can literally just have the funeral home arrange the interment and not have any service at all, choosing to just attend yourself (or not) without the need for rental chairs, and that would be the cheapest option. I'm sorry for your loss, please don't feel that you're letting him down in some way by not splashing out on a big funeral.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:31 AM on January 31, 2023 [11 favorites]
There are no SBC-specific death rites unless you count the one above, with an not-specifically-Baptist-but-feasible exception I'll mention in a moment but you didn't mention it so it's probably not in play. Baptist funerals are for the living as the body's just a vessel, so you only need stress about this insofar as you need to avoid offending someone who expects this specific kind of service for comfort and propriety. If nobody's going to get mad and give you a headache about it, you aren't obligated to do anything at all. I honestly have no recollection of the pastor ever coming to the gravesite - they did their bit at the service in all those cases, and there was only one cremation and the urn wasn't interred so that one was only a service. The funeral directors always hosted the graveside bit as far as I can recall, usually with one friend or family member doing a reading, and maybe if a friend/family was a singer there might be a live song.
Exception: my grandfather was a Freemason. His funeral was out of state from where he lived so the funeral director in the other state did all the talking and reading at the funeral home chapel. That had to have been a choice my grandmother and mom made, probably a pretty pointed one. And the funeral director handled the arrangements for the local Freemasons to come do their...ritual...over the casket there. (Nobody warned me. I had never seen that before. I'm a witch and I know what I saw and I am frankly still a little shocked papaw was involved in all that.) And then the funeral home took care of the military paperwork for the graveside flag ceremony and National Guard flyover and 21-gun salute and kept the timeline moving correctly for all that to happen, which was pretty much the entirety of the graveside portion along with a bible reading.
You can pick any church out of the phone book and they will likely send someone with a nice haircut to do the above and emcee the graveside service. You can also ask any friend of your dad who has offered to help, and they probably know someone. I assume the church representative expects a gratuity but they do it to advertise, so you could probably get away with not. They make up their own titles and hierarchies, so don't worry too much about that. You can tell them there's not much money and you will probably get the youth pastor or a sunday school teacher, but it's still better if you give them something for gas and lunch.
You could also just give cash to a theatre student or local DJ to say whatever you want said, or give a brief speech of your own, or just play a song on a boombox. I am fairly certain the funeral directors will host and read whatever you want, and you are already going to be paying them to be there anyway.
Literally all that matters in that belief system is whether one was Saved or not, and it's fine to assume he at some point in his life accepted Jesus etc etc and so that part is covered. Do what works for you now in this time, with no worries that it will redirect him to the wrong place or anything. Do nothing if it is cheaper and that is all you are up for. You can literally just have the funeral home arrange the interment and not have any service at all, choosing to just attend yourself (or not) without the need for rental chairs, and that would be the cheapest option. I'm sorry for your loss, please don't feel that you're letting him down in some way by not splashing out on a big funeral.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:31 AM on January 31, 2023 [11 favorites]
My condolences. It sounds like you have done a great deal for your parents, and are making a considerable effort to lay your father to rest properly.
I definitely got the impression that, for Southern Baptists, the guilt-trip on behalf of the deceased is an important part of the funeral ritual. My grandmother's minister was full of hope that her heathen relatives would repent so she could see us in heaven, and promised us hell in some detail if we did not. The local relatives who had more ties to the church seemed to find it totally unremarkable.
On preview, Lyn Never has a lot more experience with that than me and I second that advice.
posted by mersen at 12:03 PM on January 31, 2023
I definitely got the impression that, for Southern Baptists, the guilt-trip on behalf of the deceased is an important part of the funeral ritual. My grandmother's minister was full of hope that her heathen relatives would repent so she could see us in heaven, and promised us hell in some detail if we did not. The local relatives who had more ties to the church seemed to find it totally unremarkable.
On preview, Lyn Never has a lot more experience with that than me and I second that advice.
posted by mersen at 12:03 PM on January 31, 2023
And you have to ask yourself, too, what your dad would have wanted. I was raised Southern Baptist, my father was Southern Baptist and a lifelong, deeply devoted Christian, and he specifically told us he didn't want a sermon at his memorial, so we didn't ask for one.
As a former service member, he did receive a military graveside service, which was led by a nondenominational protestant military chaplain. It was wonderfully short and sweet with a brief message of prayer and consecration. I think the chaplain was actually Methodist.
posted by mochapickle at 12:35 PM on January 31, 2023
As a former service member, he did receive a military graveside service, which was led by a nondenominational protestant military chaplain. It was wonderfully short and sweet with a brief message of prayer and consecration. I think the chaplain was actually Methodist.
posted by mochapickle at 12:35 PM on January 31, 2023
One thing we did at my mom and dad's graveside was to take one of the flowers from the arrangements as a keepsake but that is optional. I dried the rose and kept the petals in a china cup.
If you don't want a sermon you don't need a minister. You could just stand up and talk about your dad, and read a poem or pray, then do the burial. Especially if it's a really small group that might mean more. Ask people to share a favorite memory if they want to. Tell your dad goodbye. That's all that's needed really.
posted by emjaybee at 2:36 PM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you don't want a sermon you don't need a minister. You could just stand up and talk about your dad, and read a poem or pray, then do the burial. Especially if it's a really small group that might mean more. Ask people to share a favorite memory if they want to. Tell your dad goodbye. That's all that's needed really.
posted by emjaybee at 2:36 PM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for all of the insight.
I just got a call from the funeral home and they received the headstone; they aren't charging us for storing it, and they know that we intend to place it ourselves. The funeral home personnel gave me the # for the current minister of the church that my dad attended as a boy; I will call that person and discuss the service directly, and yes, we will make a donation to whatever church -- that one if it works out, another one if we go with another one. I will discuss with the minister the desired 'sermon' themes because I've been to one Baptist funeral and it was all fire-and-brimstoney and uhhh yeah, my dad, and myself, aren't about that.
I realized that all we need is a small tent and chairs and a minister. I looked into renting a tent and I decided we will just buy one and give it to my cousin when we're done since the price is the same as renting one, and we will rent chairs from a party rental business. We will pick up the tent and the chairs ourselves, the day before the service, and we will set it all up ourselves. We are also going to dig the hole, we are in good shape and it need not be large.
Regarding respecting "what my dad would have wanted": this is it. He and I discussed this when he was dying, and this is what I promised him, he knew what was in store and this is above and beyond what anyone else in the universe would have done for him.
Since I figured out a much more cost-effective way to organize this than going with the funeral home package, we will also purchase and lay flowers on his grave. It will be a tiny service, and it's mostly for me and my dad more than anyone or anything else.
So many comments were wonderfully helpful and I will continue to come back here as reference as I plan this out in more detail.
posted by erattacorrige at 3:09 PM on January 31, 2023 [9 favorites]
I just got a call from the funeral home and they received the headstone; they aren't charging us for storing it, and they know that we intend to place it ourselves. The funeral home personnel gave me the # for the current minister of the church that my dad attended as a boy; I will call that person and discuss the service directly, and yes, we will make a donation to whatever church -- that one if it works out, another one if we go with another one. I will discuss with the minister the desired 'sermon' themes because I've been to one Baptist funeral and it was all fire-and-brimstoney and uhhh yeah, my dad, and myself, aren't about that.
I realized that all we need is a small tent and chairs and a minister. I looked into renting a tent and I decided we will just buy one and give it to my cousin when we're done since the price is the same as renting one, and we will rent chairs from a party rental business. We will pick up the tent and the chairs ourselves, the day before the service, and we will set it all up ourselves. We are also going to dig the hole, we are in good shape and it need not be large.
Regarding respecting "what my dad would have wanted": this is it. He and I discussed this when he was dying, and this is what I promised him, he knew what was in store and this is above and beyond what anyone else in the universe would have done for him.
Since I figured out a much more cost-effective way to organize this than going with the funeral home package, we will also purchase and lay flowers on his grave. It will be a tiny service, and it's mostly for me and my dad more than anyone or anything else.
So many comments were wonderfully helpful and I will continue to come back here as reference as I plan this out in more detail.
posted by erattacorrige at 3:09 PM on January 31, 2023 [9 favorites]
My grandfather was a Texas Baptist preacher, and I've been to many Baptist funerals. The one requirement of a Baptist funeral is casserole, and bless your heart, you shouldn't need to provide that yourself. Funerals are for you, the family. I bet your dad would feel loved if you decide just to read or song or speak around the grave and not get a spiritual advisor of any denomination involved. Half my Baptist ancestors were buried that exact way.
If you do decide to hire a pastor for a graveside service, they will talk with you about length/things about your dad/any requested Bible verses and also payment, and the pastors I've known are pros who do this up front. There are many kinds of Baptist pastor, and in the Panhandle they're used to traveling a bit so don't feel like you have no choice but the local Baptist church if you get a judgemental or preachy vibe. Believe me, there are Baptist preachers who consider ministering to grieving people more important than proselytizing!
I'm sorry for your loss!
posted by theweasel at 3:11 PM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you do decide to hire a pastor for a graveside service, they will talk with you about length/things about your dad/any requested Bible verses and also payment, and the pastors I've known are pros who do this up front. There are many kinds of Baptist pastor, and in the Panhandle they're used to traveling a bit so don't feel like you have no choice but the local Baptist church if you get a judgemental or preachy vibe. Believe me, there are Baptist preachers who consider ministering to grieving people more important than proselytizing!
I'm sorry for your loss!
posted by theweasel at 3:11 PM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
All the Baptist clergy I've had any dealings with have been called "Pastor." (I remember when I transferred to public school after attending a Baptist primary school, I embarrassed myself a couple of times by addressing the principal as "Pastor.")
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:17 PM on January 31, 2023
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:17 PM on January 31, 2023
I will call that person and discuss the service directly
One potential upside of working with a local church is that they may make their kitchen and dining/reception facilities available for you if you want to have some kind of meet-and-eat reception there after the service. But this, again, is for the living and whether you want to do that (or receive people in his home for potluck instead) may depend on how many people you even expect to attend, and how far they will be traveling.
But that is a common after-event for both Baptists AND Texans in general. Whether you can definitely depend on potluck donations for this may depend on the age and gender distribution of the people you expect to attend; you may at least want to check local restaurants and grocery stores for the cost of some light catering trays (tip: check with the Mexican restaurants as they tend to do a lot of onsite events and have a system in place for it all already).
posted by Lyn Never at 4:20 PM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
One potential upside of working with a local church is that they may make their kitchen and dining/reception facilities available for you if you want to have some kind of meet-and-eat reception there after the service. But this, again, is for the living and whether you want to do that (or receive people in his home for potluck instead) may depend on how many people you even expect to attend, and how far they will be traveling.
But that is a common after-event for both Baptists AND Texans in general. Whether you can definitely depend on potluck donations for this may depend on the age and gender distribution of the people you expect to attend; you may at least want to check local restaurants and grocery stores for the cost of some light catering trays (tip: check with the Mexican restaurants as they tend to do a lot of onsite events and have a system in place for it all already).
posted by Lyn Never at 4:20 PM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:47 AM on January 31, 2023