How do I share news with my direct report about a job they wanted?
June 16, 2022 12:32 PM Subscribe
I am a head of a department at company X, who produce services for 'painters'. I manage a large team but operations is not my skillset nor does it make me happy. The company have offered me position Y, which I'm accepting. It's a brand new role in product management which I'm really excited about as it's much more strategic. However, one of my direct reports has been gunning for a role in this department for years and years. I know from past experience that they tend to become bitter, and have had conflict about peers getting promotions previously. How can I break the news to them? How can I mitigate any bad feelings long term?
One thing I think will particularly set them off is that while I work in the industry I am not a 'painter' and do not even dabble. I know the role has been created to help maximize my value to the company in terms of commercial and customer insight. I appreciate it's not my problem or fault, but they will perceive it as me 'stealing their dream'? Any advice - I think telling them personally is important as I am currently their manager...
*NB it's a step down in terms of title for me but not salary, and think that may impact too, as they are not privy to the behind the scenes negotiations.
One thing I think will particularly set them off is that while I work in the industry I am not a 'painter' and do not even dabble. I know the role has been created to help maximize my value to the company in terms of commercial and customer insight. I appreciate it's not my problem or fault, but they will perceive it as me 'stealing their dream'? Any advice - I think telling them personally is important as I am currently their manager...
*NB it's a step down in terms of title for me but not salary, and think that may impact too, as they are not privy to the behind the scenes negotiations.
If you genuinely think this person is a good worker (despite this tendency toward taking other people's promotions personally), and you like working with them otherwise, maybe it would help to tell them truthfully that in your new position you will look for opportunities to promote them as a candidate for transfer to join you in your new department.
posted by BlueJae at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by BlueJae at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree with BlueJae, this is great news for your report because now they have a direct connection to the department they want to work in. The fact that they didn't get a job created for you doesn't even come into play here - instead I think the conversation is "You're still interested in X Dept, right? I'm gonna be moving there in a few weeks, how can we start prepping you to move there if you're interested? I'll have less authority over there but as your manager for the next few weeks would love to help you get prepared to make the jump as well"
Or whatever is correct about what you'd be willing to do, maybe it's just "I know your interests since they come up in our meetings so whenever a spot opens up that would be a fit I'll make sure you know"
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 12:46 PM on June 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
Or whatever is correct about what you'd be willing to do, maybe it's just "I know your interests since they come up in our meetings so whenever a spot opens up that would be a fit I'll make sure you know"
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 12:46 PM on June 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: It's 6 months out from the other person's promotion and they brought it up this week in a 1:1. They do have quite an ego — it's routine to hear them say that they could do other jobs within the company with little experience. ((I totally acknowledge I have less experience in the subject matter here and a lot to learn but the rest of my skills are a strong match.))
posted by socky_puppy at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2022
posted by socky_puppy at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2022
Best answer: I feel like it is on them to manage their own feelings but I can totally understand wanting workplace harmony. I think since they are your direct report that your promotion (or lateral move) into this position is maybe one for more senior employees? I think you might also find a way to communicate that one of the things that helped with your move to this position was being a team player and/or general attitude stuff. Like, obviously don't share that you find them to be a bitter and conflict-seeking employee but if you want to help them do well there, trying to highlight a path forward for them might show leadership. But also, based on your update, they seem to have an attitude problem that is getting in their way and there may be ways for you to politely and respectfully bring that up while they are your report in a way that might help them do better in the workplace.
You don't have to be a subject matter expert to be a good manager and in fact sometimes it gets in the way. You can let them know you'll be looking to them when you are needing subject matter expertise.
posted by jessamyn at 12:50 PM on June 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
You don't have to be a subject matter expert to be a good manager and in fact sometimes it gets in the way. You can let them know you'll be looking to them when you are needing subject matter expertise.
posted by jessamyn at 12:50 PM on June 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'm going to echo jessamyn. Promoting from within is great if the candidate has the managerial chops. But no one "deserves" promotion simply because they're "the next in line."
posted by SPrintF at 12:57 PM on June 16, 2022
posted by SPrintF at 12:57 PM on June 16, 2022
Best answer: I'm getting a distinctly uncomfortable vibe from your question. Your post comes across as if you're afraid of your colleague. You are explicitly saying that you're feeling anxious because you won't be able to control their feelings when they hear about your new job. It sounds like you have gotten into the habit of managing this person's feelings for them whenever you interact, because that's what people do when they're afraid of someone.
You may have excellent reasons to be afraid of your colleague. But your chosen strategy for dealing with your colleague - which is to try very hard to never allow this person to feel bad or angry around you or about you - is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad strategy!*
To put it very bluntly, notice all the times you say things like:
> they tend to become bitter...
> they will perceive it as me 'stealing their dream'...
> How can I mitigate any bad feelings...
THEIR FEELINGS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. They are allowed to feel bitter. They are allowed to perceive your actions as stealing their dream. They are allowed to be angry with you. They are allowed to hate you. Their feelings belong to them. If you try to mitigate their bad feelings, that is a huge boundary violation.
> One thing I think will particularly set them off ...
> that may impact too, as they are not privy to the behind the scenes negotiations...
THE THOUGHTS INSIDE THEIR HEAD ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You have to stop trying to read this person's mind. Stop trying to predict how they might feel and what they might think. Stop speculating about what's going on in other people's brains.
Yes, you need to be professional and kind, but that's it. The line for managing emotions ends at being honest, kind, and direct with your colleague when you tell them, "Hey, I got the job. I know you really wanted it, and I hope this doesn't discourage you from shooting for your dream role. Best of luck. I've enjoyed working with you."
That's it. No more. You have to let go of your obsession with what they might do next or how they might feel.
As long as you focus your attention on what might be going on inside other people's brains, all your efforts will be focused on trying to mitigate their feelings and desperately trying to make sure they don't think the wrong thing (i.e. the thing you have decided is the wrong thing for them to think or feel, because that makes them turn scary). But you cannot control other people's thoughts and feelings. You're not a Jedi master! This strategy never works.
Instead, focus purely on the feelings and thoughts that you, personally, have inside your own body and your own mind. When you force yourself to stay in your own skin rather than living inside the other person's head, you will begin to notice your own feelings, your own fear, your own anxiety, and your own sensations, and that will allow you to respond MUCH more effectively to the people you're with and the situations you're in.
So, for instance, staying in your own skin will tell you that this person makes you feel afraid. You can respond to that feeling by asking, "Do I have any reason to feel afraid of this person's anger? When they are angry, do they behave in threatening ways? Is their anger a true danger to me - physically, socially, or professionally?"
If the answer is yes then you need to document the reasons for your concerns (you said they create conflict with others who got promotions??) and go to HR to talk about managing this employee.
If the answer is no, and your fear is coming from inside you, then you can address it via therapy or anxiety meds or by taking an assertive communication skills workshop or whatever you think is most appropriate.
Do you see the difference? When you insist on managing other people's feelings and reading other people's minds, all the efforts you make are futile. But when you let yourself live inside your own skin and notice the source of your own anxiety, THAT is the only path to solutions which will actually work for you.
*(I'm making a reference to a popular children's book's hyperbolic title here, not dissing you.)
posted by MiraK at 1:30 PM on June 16, 2022 [13 favorites]
You may have excellent reasons to be afraid of your colleague. But your chosen strategy for dealing with your colleague - which is to try very hard to never allow this person to feel bad or angry around you or about you - is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad strategy!*
To put it very bluntly, notice all the times you say things like:
> they tend to become bitter...
> they will perceive it as me 'stealing their dream'...
> How can I mitigate any bad feelings...
THEIR FEELINGS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. They are allowed to feel bitter. They are allowed to perceive your actions as stealing their dream. They are allowed to be angry with you. They are allowed to hate you. Their feelings belong to them. If you try to mitigate their bad feelings, that is a huge boundary violation.
> One thing I think will particularly set them off ...
> that may impact too, as they are not privy to the behind the scenes negotiations...
THE THOUGHTS INSIDE THEIR HEAD ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You have to stop trying to read this person's mind. Stop trying to predict how they might feel and what they might think. Stop speculating about what's going on in other people's brains.
Yes, you need to be professional and kind, but that's it. The line for managing emotions ends at being honest, kind, and direct with your colleague when you tell them, "Hey, I got the job. I know you really wanted it, and I hope this doesn't discourage you from shooting for your dream role. Best of luck. I've enjoyed working with you."
That's it. No more. You have to let go of your obsession with what they might do next or how they might feel.
As long as you focus your attention on what might be going on inside other people's brains, all your efforts will be focused on trying to mitigate their feelings and desperately trying to make sure they don't think the wrong thing (i.e. the thing you have decided is the wrong thing for them to think or feel, because that makes them turn scary). But you cannot control other people's thoughts and feelings. You're not a Jedi master! This strategy never works.
Instead, focus purely on the feelings and thoughts that you, personally, have inside your own body and your own mind. When you force yourself to stay in your own skin rather than living inside the other person's head, you will begin to notice your own feelings, your own fear, your own anxiety, and your own sensations, and that will allow you to respond MUCH more effectively to the people you're with and the situations you're in.
So, for instance, staying in your own skin will tell you that this person makes you feel afraid. You can respond to that feeling by asking, "Do I have any reason to feel afraid of this person's anger? When they are angry, do they behave in threatening ways? Is their anger a true danger to me - physically, socially, or professionally?"
If the answer is yes then you need to document the reasons for your concerns (you said they create conflict with others who got promotions??) and go to HR to talk about managing this employee.
If the answer is no, and your fear is coming from inside you, then you can address it via therapy or anxiety meds or by taking an assertive communication skills workshop or whatever you think is most appropriate.
Do you see the difference? When you insist on managing other people's feelings and reading other people's minds, all the efforts you make are futile. But when you let yourself live inside your own skin and notice the source of your own anxiety, THAT is the only path to solutions which will actually work for you.
*(I'm making a reference to a popular children's book's hyperbolic title here, not dissing you.)
posted by MiraK at 1:30 PM on June 16, 2022 [13 favorites]
If this person has applied and been rejected from jobs in this area, perhaps they are looking for actionable feedback on how they can improve their chances next time. Often a rejection offers no clue as to what the candidate could do differently. Since you were not the one who rejected this candidate, you're not in a position to tell them what caused it. They should talk to the other department about what it takes to get accepted.
You are in a position to explain that the actions they have taken (be specific here) have been unprofessional if you have witnessed them. Don't say "poor attitude" when you mean dirty looks or eye rolling. Don't say "unfriendly" when you mean interrupting people or ignoring their emails.
How can I mitigate any bad feelings long term?
You can't control their feelings. You have nothing personally to be sorry for about getting this job. Experience is only one factor in choosing the right person!
posted by soelo at 1:32 PM on June 16, 2022
You are in a position to explain that the actions they have taken (be specific here) have been unprofessional if you have witnessed them. Don't say "poor attitude" when you mean dirty looks or eye rolling. Don't say "unfriendly" when you mean interrupting people or ignoring their emails.
How can I mitigate any bad feelings long term?
You can't control their feelings. You have nothing personally to be sorry for about getting this job. Experience is only one factor in choosing the right person!
posted by soelo at 1:32 PM on June 16, 2022
I think since they are your direct report that your promotion (or lateral move) into this position is maybe one for more senior employees?
This. You are not your direct report's "peer" in this situation.
The company believes the other department will be a great fit for you, created a new position, and offered it to you. Congratulations! Your report has been at the company "years and years" and hasn't gotten several promotions they've wanted/felt they've deserved. Don't make noises about putting in a good word for them in the product management division; it will add to their distress if the company still won't see them working in it. (Managing any sense of entitlement for your direct report is part of the old job, and best left behind).
a) Have other employees heard them talk about doing "other jobs within the company with little experience"? Are bridges burned? Can you guide them, now, in rebuilding within the company? Or is the helpful thing starting your new position, and then offering to be a reference (if there won't be blowback for you) should they undertake a job search?
b) Are they being considered for the managerial spot you're leaving? Do they want to be? How might you help them with that?
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:37 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
This. You are not your direct report's "peer" in this situation.
The company believes the other department will be a great fit for you, created a new position, and offered it to you. Congratulations! Your report has been at the company "years and years" and hasn't gotten several promotions they've wanted/felt they've deserved. Don't make noises about putting in a good word for them in the product management division; it will add to their distress if the company still won't see them working in it. (Managing any sense of entitlement for your direct report is part of the old job, and best left behind).
a) Have other employees heard them talk about doing "other jobs within the company with little experience"? Are bridges burned? Can you guide them, now, in rebuilding within the company? Or is the helpful thing starting your new position, and then offering to be a reference (if there won't be blowback for you) should they undertake a job search?
b) Are they being considered for the managerial spot you're leaving? Do they want to be? How might you help them with that?
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:37 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would let the company announce the role rather than tell the person. Let them have their feelings, and maybe give them a month of overlooking it if they show those feelings in minor ways as long as it's nothing too insubordinate. After a grace period, or if they're crossing the line with being huffy or whatever, I would have a convo about ONE concrete behaviour they did that day.
"Hi Brill, I wanted to speak with you. I noticed that yesterday you (didn't submit your report OR turned your back when I was explaining the chart in our meeting OR etc). I wondered if there was anything going on that we should discuss?"
Most likely Brill will say "nothing happened, it was nothing, it was innocuous, etc."
"Ah ok, I just wanted to make sure things are ok. I appreciated your work on Project X, thanks for your insights!"
That's probably enough to signal to Brill that you're going to start naming their behaviour and they need to stop being bratty asap.
If Brill does tell you the truth, some variation of "To be honest, I felt overlooked by your promotion and I feel frustrated with my place in company as a result", I would just say, "Thank you so much for trusting me enough to share that with me. As you know I had no control over who got this promotion, but I totally empathize with your feelings, and I'm grateful you shared them with me."
"I do need to share that team dynamics are really important here, and I put a strong priority on them, so I hope you can see how I need to request a baseline of respectful body language in our meetings, as body language affects the group dynamic."
That's probably respectful, mature, and disarming enough to signal to Brill that they need to stop being bratty asap.
AND, if Brill is a good worker you might add, "I think you do strong work and if there's a path forward you're considering in terms of your trajectory here at Company, please feel free to cross over with me to see if we can align that with your role in some way."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:03 PM on June 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
"Hi Brill, I wanted to speak with you. I noticed that yesterday you (didn't submit your report OR turned your back when I was explaining the chart in our meeting OR etc). I wondered if there was anything going on that we should discuss?"
Most likely Brill will say "nothing happened, it was nothing, it was innocuous, etc."
"Ah ok, I just wanted to make sure things are ok. I appreciated your work on Project X, thanks for your insights!"
That's probably enough to signal to Brill that you're going to start naming their behaviour and they need to stop being bratty asap.
If Brill does tell you the truth, some variation of "To be honest, I felt overlooked by your promotion and I feel frustrated with my place in company as a result", I would just say, "Thank you so much for trusting me enough to share that with me. As you know I had no control over who got this promotion, but I totally empathize with your feelings, and I'm grateful you shared them with me."
"I do need to share that team dynamics are really important here, and I put a strong priority on them, so I hope you can see how I need to request a baseline of respectful body language in our meetings, as body language affects the group dynamic."
That's probably respectful, mature, and disarming enough to signal to Brill that they need to stop being bratty asap.
AND, if Brill is a good worker you might add, "I think you do strong work and if there's a path forward you're considering in terms of your trajectory here at Company, please feel free to cross over with me to see if we can align that with your role in some way."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:03 PM on June 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Just tell them that you've accepted the new role and will be transitioning effective DATE. If you have information about the hiring of your replacement as a manager, share that.
posted by momus_window at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2022 [8 favorites]