Art, poetry for a friend who feels 'broken' after coming out

March 28, 2022 9:42 AM

I learned recently that a friend of mine has recently come out as gay, is ending their marriage and is taking a break from work because they are experiencing a lot of trauma with the upheaval they are experiencing. In particular, they feel 'broken' right now. I don't have any experience with these issues, and I'm trying to find art, particularly poetry, that they might find comforting.

I'm thinking about things that have themes surrounding transformation, growth, becoming something new, authenticity, etc, but also informed by orientation. For what it's worth, they are a cisgender woman, mid-40s.

It occurs to me that a piece of Kintsugi might be appropriate, but I'm not sure how to find something authentic, or whether I'm off base.

Thanks for your suggestions.

posted by Gorgik to Media & Arts (12 answers total)

Best answer: I don't think kintsugi would necessarily work in the way you think (though I concede that you know your friend better than any random person on the internet). The thing with kintsugi is that you might end up implicitly agreeing with her feeling of being "broken" and needing to be "fixed". I'm not sure if this feeling is coming from the loss of her relationship or some internalised homophobia that she's struggling with, but I would counsel you to look instead at literature and art that reflects her as being whole and just in a new place/on a new journey.
posted by fight or flight at 9:55 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I haven't read any poetry in forever, but I remember loving Audre Lorde. The world, not herself, was what was broken, and she wrote about its brokenness beautifully and powerfully. Later she herself began to break--she died of cancer--and she wrote about that beautifully and powerfully, too.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:19 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Unless you know they're a fine arts fan, I'd just send her an message saying you're free to meet up/call and talk.
posted by kingdead at 10:31 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: “The Journey” by David Whyte

THE JOURNEY

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving.
Even as the light fades quickly now,
you are arriving.
posted by amaire at 11:01 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Adrienne Rich Rich is a great poet. She was also in a conventional marriage and writes about her transition to an alternative lifestyle. You can read about her here and decide if one of her titles might be of interest to your friend. I hope it is helpful.
posted by effluvia at 11:55 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Here is a poem that helped me in a situation that was in some respects similar. Much love to your friend.

Love After Love
Derek Walcott

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.
posted by obliquicity at 12:29 PM on March 28, 2022 [6 favorites]

Best answer: That Night When Joy Began

by W. H. Auden

That night when joy began
Our narrowest veins to flush,
We waited for the flash
Of morning’s levelled gun.

But morning let us pass,
And day by day relief
Outgrows his nervous laugh,
Grown credulous of peace,

As mile by mile is seen
No trespasser’s reproach,
And love’s best glasses reach
No fields but are his own.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:32 PM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Get your girl on TikTok. There’s a huge amount of “late bloomer” wlw on there who will normalize and confirm her experience and decisions. Most of them seem to have discovered their sexuality through the TikTok algorithm, so maybe this advice comes too late. Get her on there and she can start by following @theamazons.
posted by Iteki at 3:19 PM on March 28, 2022

Is there a local support group for the new community with which she now identifies? Maybe a meetup or a group at a queer community center?

I'm recently divorced cis-gendered woman, I realized I was queer during that process. Finding a local support group has been soooooooo validating. It's been helpful in a way that my straight friends could not be, because I was amongst people who experienced what I was going through.

It's so kind of you to ask and support your friend!
posted by skunk pig at 4:48 PM on March 28, 2022

Response by poster: Thanks all, you're the best.
posted by Gorgik at 9:27 AM on March 29, 2022

Ooh it’s @the..amazons actually! Tell her to like and comment on things she wants to see more of (thirst traps) and the algorithm will bring her home.
posted by Iteki at 4:42 PM on March 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

She’s a supernova…
tiktok… sniff sniff
posted by Iteki at 2:23 PM on March 30, 2022