Help me decipher this.

December 22, 2021 6:34 PM

About a month ago I gave $100 to a kind-faced homeless man who was standing in front of the nearby public library in my neighborhood. He was so thin and dressed in a business suit, as if he had been in job interviews all day, all week. I couldn't bear to think of him trying to find work and facing rejection. I pulled over in my car and because there was no parking, I put my hazards on and quickly ran up to him and gave him the money. I said, "this is for you." He took it and smiled kindly at me.

A few days ago I passed by the place where I gave him the money -- it is a pretty major intersection. There was a car identical to mine (my car is green, not common) with its hazards on in the place where I had pulled over, but it had a big dent in the driver's side door. The driver in the car had frizzy blonde hair, a bit like mine. The homeless man was not there but an intimidating woman in mirrored sunglasses was standing on the nearby sidewalk. It seemed ominous to me. I felt worried about the man I gave the money to. Can you help me decipher this?

posted by ponibrown to Society & Culture (21 answers total)

You saw a car that resembles your car at a place where you gave money to a stranger. I don’t see any relationships here. Totally random.
posted by Ideefixe at 6:38 PM on December 22, 2021

So you believe the kind-faced man in the business suit at the library was homeless, and you believe he was ominously replaced by an intimidating woman who had a power which enabled her to attract another driver who resembled you and had a car similar to yours? And the other driver didn't give any money to anyone. And you're concerned that ... you may be next? Or she may have harmed the man in the business suit? Do I have this right?
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:43 PM on December 22, 2021

There were enough similarities in the second instance to trigger the feelings you had in the first instance. Your impulse to protect and show kindness to the homeless man was overpowering - enough so that you pulled your car over and acted on the spot. The second instance brought on memories of the first instance and with it a sudden flooding of the feelings you experienced when you encountered the homeless man. The lady in the sunglasses was a place to put your feelings of worry about the vulnerability of the homeless man.
posted by MissPitts at 6:47 PM on December 22, 2021

Are you imagining a scenario where the homeless guy ran out towards a similar car to yours and was hit, and the intimidating woman was a cop? If so, I'd think there would be marked patrol cars around, even if any ambulance had left.
posted by LadyOscar at 6:48 PM on December 22, 2021

So you are afraid the homeless man mistook the other car and driver for you, approached the car, and then the driver panicked and ran over him, leaving a dent in the door? And you’re to blame? And the intimidating woman in mirrored sunglasses is some kind of cop?

If reality resembled deMaupassant stories more closely, you'd have grounds.

But it doesn’t, and that is exceedingly unlikely.
posted by jamjam at 6:49 PM on December 22, 2021

These things have nothing to do with each other. There's no cipher here to decipher.
posted by shadygrove at 6:54 PM on December 22, 2021

You likely noticed the car because it was the same type and colour as yours. This is something called the Baader-Meinhof effect.

Otherwise, you saw a car similar to yours, in a place where your once met a guy. These two facts are unrelated.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:42 PM on December 22, 2021

When you are anxious or going through stress, do you start to see patterns where there are none, or start finding other people or events more ominous than usual?

If so, it's worth remembering what the warning signs or red flags for that mindset are. For a friend of mine, when they are seeing patterns like that they also have other more noticeable repeating behaviours, like having generally Doom-filled thoughts while they're in the shower, or if they think that most of their workmates dislike them.

So that's the signs that they're feeling a bit stressed and wiggy.

If this may be that, what tends to *actually* help is to number 1, prioritise getting enough sleep above all else, if you can cut stress quickly then just do it, get rid of a stressful commitment, get a massage or do something physical that lets you complete a stress cycle, and then other stuff that might help is more individual - all the way through to Dr prescribed meds (oddly methylfolate supplements also help one of my friends about as much or more than any of the other psychiatric meds they tried, so if your diet sucks, even simple things like that would be good). Sometimes the wrong meds or recreational drugs can be setting off feeling slightly wiggy about things.

But yeah, a brain that's been stressed for too long goes on red alert and starts flagging things as ominous that just... Don't look significant or related to non-stressed people.
posted by Elysum at 7:55 PM on December 22, 2021

Spotting patterns everywhere (synchronicity) can be a sign of mania; if you’ve ever had other symptoms of bipolar, maybe just be aware that you might be ramping up a bit. Try to get lots of sleep.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:07 PM on December 22, 2021

I read it as: you are thinking the car stopped at the intersection, the woman had heard there was a sucker out there in a green car with frizzy hair who gives out money and threatened the stopped car for money, kicking or denting the door when she didn’t get any. That she’s a pimp so to speak and the kind man is the prop, and can be hurt by her or she’ll take his money or he’s somehow under her control. That your good deed will go punished; that she / they will find you and demand more.

It did seem in the first instance some amount of story making on your behalf, since you don’t know the true situation but projected helplessness and helped.

Now in the second instance again some projection. How intimidating was she, what power did you believe she had?

I would spend some time thinking about your personal history of vulnerability and sadness, helplessness and compassion. Did expressions of compassion get shut down by figures of authority?

As for the man, I would agree with others a coincidental resemblance, you can pray for him and wish him well.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:50 PM on December 22, 2021

Hey, OP, I'm not sure what led you to believe that the kind-faced, thin man in the suit was homeless. And I'm completely unable to understand what your cypher is in the second half of the story.

To me this reads like you should reach out to someone you trust and let them know you're having confusing thoughts. This sort of confusion has many possible causes, like temporary brain fog from lack of sleep, or confused states of mind from exposure to carbon monoxide in your home, or emerging symptoms from forgetting to take your medications, etc. This is exactly the sort of thing that people around you need to hear about.

Your family or your trusted friends are in the best position to help you figure this out. If there's no family members or good friends you can reach easily, I think this is worth calling your doctor about. Not necessarily because this is scary or serious, but just because your doctor, like your family or friends, is in the best position to know what the cause of your confusion is. In fact it's likely your friends and family might recommend talking to your doctor anyway, if you were to ask them.

You sound like a lovely and kind-hearted person. I hope you get the help and support to figure this out!
posted by MiraK at 6:11 AM on December 23, 2021

Ponibrown, this question makes me worry about you, because it shows such a different kind of thinking from your previous questions. It seems like something about the way you perceive the world has really changed, and that is the type of experience no one should navigate alone. Can you talk to someone you trust about this and any other ominous or confusing experiences you've been having? Sending you care and comfort.
posted by Ausamor at 6:23 AM on December 23, 2021

Seconding Ausamor's concern, ponibrown - I would speak with someone you trust about this. I had a friend who went through a manic episode because of a bad reaction to some medication and about a week before the episode they were speaking about things in much the same way you are speaking now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:53 AM on December 23, 2021

Thanks everyone for your concern about me. I am a bit stressed out lately as many of us are. It's funny that I found meaning in the presence of the car identical to mine in the spot where I pulled over to give money to the homeless man last month. The man was surrounded by bags of belongings, talking to himself, and wearing an ill-fitting suit and heavy leather shoes that appeared too large for him; he did not have any socks. I have done a lot of volunteer work in soup kitchens and have lived in NYC for many years -- I'm pretty sure he was homeless. I do think I gave him too much money and feel a bit embarrassed about it. I hope it helped him -- that was my intent. As for the car that was identical to mine with a big dent in the side (dent was very large such that the time of impact would have injured the person in the car) parked where I parked when I gave the man the money -- that seemed meaningful to me. Adding in the presence of the intimidating woman with her mirrored sunglasses felt oddly intimidating, threatening. A few years ago, before I had a car, a bicycle identical to mine was locked to a street sign near my home. In a similar way, it was severely damaged, wheels bent and frame badly damaged, such that any person riding it would have been very badly hurt if the damage had taken place while they were on it. I had a similar reaction when I saw that bicycle. Like my car, green Prius, my bicycle, green Fuji, is not that common, so somehow seeing the item that is like one that I own and value highly, associate positively with my identity, in a severely damaged, almost destroyed state, was unnerving to me. It came across like a threat to my safety. Anyway, I will take some long naps during these coming holiday days. Thank you...
posted by ponibrown at 9:01 AM on December 23, 2021

Ponibrown, thanks for the longer explanation. I think other commenters here will agree that it's still a good idea to speak to someone you trust, just because seeing meaning in the fact that an identical car was parked in that spot, finding it emotionally significant that there was a dent in the drivers' side, connecting it to the dented bike... and then that woman! You have a strong sense that this woman was an intimidating presence and you're feeling some sort of way about her mirrored sunglasses - all of these are a somewhat unusual experience for you (judging from your past questions).

My concern is not just the possibility that there may be an underlying cause to these feelings which may need to be checked out... it's also that your feelings are REAL. They're significant. Feelings may not often give us ~scientifically valid~ data about the outside world, but they do give us important information about our own inner world. And IMO the last thing we should do is to tell our brain to shush, just get some sleep, and ignore the type of really quite singular inner experience you had.

A huge part of caring for yourself is to pay attention to the messages being sent to us from the inside - not in the sense of automatically believing those messages or taking them literally, but in the sense of becoming curious about where this came from, and what it means to you.

Lots of well wishes to you, internet stranger. It's not easy to reach out like you did in this post, but it was the right thing. More courage and power to you so you may speak to someone you trust.
posted by MiraK at 11:54 AM on December 23, 2021

If this were a movie then this stuff might be meaningful: it would be a storytelling device where the director is foreshadowing that something terrible is going to happen to the protagonist by showing a dent in the similar-ish car. The friendly ally would have been vanished for ominous reasons. The music would be eerie. Etc.

If you have the kind of brain that thinks in stories, you might notice that kind of thing. The pattern you would draw would be a storytelling pattern. And when you're under pressure, that kind of pattern seeking and the emotional charge of everything you see increases exponentially.

(If you had a different kind of brain you might be thinking of different patterns (like how quickly homeless people are made to leave a spot because society wants them gone).)

It's hard to know what's going on, but MiraK is right, it pays to listen to what your brain is actually telling you. It seems clear that your brain is telling you that you feel increasingly unsafe and isolated, that you feel somewhat alienated from the people around you.
You feel strongly for people who you see as similarly on the margins (the homeless man) - so strongly that you impulsively give him so much you later feel embarassed. You have an equally strong negative reaction to the other person,who is not on the margins. You feel threatened by the woman with the glasses, a figure like a secret agent from a movie. She might have vanished the man. She might hurt you.

I think you need to talk to someone professional about where these feelings are coming from, and what would help you feel safer.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:19 PM on December 23, 2021

Well, I'd say you all helped me decipher the scenario. So thank you. I should have mentioned in my question that I recently finished listening to Room with A View as an audiobook and there is a passage in that book where Mr. Beeb, a priest, says that he once intended to write a book on the history of coincidences. He goes on to talk about how true coincidences are really very rare. Anyway, thanks much for your input.
posted by ponibrown at 1:35 PM on December 23, 2021

I feel like you’re missing an important part of what many people are saying, so I am going to be more blunt.

This amount of nervousness and meaning you saw in these coincidences is an unusual reaction. Most people would not have this strong of an emotional reaction.

Your previous questions all sound straightforward and your thought patterns previously seemed very logical. This question feels like a change. Your reactions here are atypical and do not make logical sense.

When our reactions and observations change in such a sudden way, it can be a sign of mental illness or mental imbalance. Seeing coincidences everywhere can be a symptom of mental health issues.

Your thought pattens are showing a change that is noticeable enough that strangers are concerned about you.

People are very gently telling you that you need to see a counsellor or therapist. Someone objective who can help figure out if this change in thought patterns is a cause for deeper concern.

Please trust the group here and see a professional.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:35 PM on December 23, 2021

I am also going to double down on urging you to speaking with someone. I noticed that your last question before this discussed some issues with completing repairs in your building - I'm now wondering if something in your environment might be causing an unusual reaction.

It's also entirely possible that you will speak with a professional and they'll determine that "no, it really is just stress" or something and then you can come back in here and tell us all "hah, you were worried for nothing" - but at least you would know for certain.

Please reach out to someone and discuss these events and your thoughts around them. Just in case.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:42 AM on December 24, 2021

I want to echo the above; it's probably nothing serious besides fatigue, but more serious conditions often have a "prodrome" stage that precedes more serious symptoms, but in which we are aware that something isn't right. I've also heard it called "insight".

As I say, probably nothing, but worth checking out. Might be your body warning you of something.
posted by Acey at 12:55 PM on December 26, 2021

As a minor side note, I wouldn't feel embarrassed about giving the homeless man "too much money." I have, in the past, given a man asking for pocket change twenty bucks, or offered a small group of young people who looked like they were living rough/on the road/on the rails all the cash in my pockets, and wished I had more. Unless that money was your rent, or your only food money for the month, or in some other way it materially harmed you to be without it, try not to regret generosity. Even if the person you gave the money to is likely to spend it on alcohol or drugs, I am always glad to think that I made that person's life easier for a day—or gave them a day when they didn't have to choose between a substance they depend on, or food, but could have both. Homeless people also have relationships and loved ones, and giving a generous gift to one person may bring a touch of comfort or ease to more than just them.

I don't judge people who don't give to the homeless routinely—I have the privilege of living in a place where I don't encounter the homeless on a daily basis, and it makes it easier to be kind and generous when I do run into someone in those circumstances. It changes the dynamic when you're seeing it every day, or multiple times on the walk to work.

That said, please do talk to someone. I have often found that when my own mental health is getting worse—or getting better—that other people who are close to me see it sooner than I do. The kind people here noticing the difference in this train of thought from your earlier posts are offering you that same kind of service. We all want you to be well and happy.
posted by Well I never at 2:23 PM on December 26, 2021