Help me get over my anxiety about hosting a birthday party

February 17, 2020 9:26 AM

My 20-somethingth birthday is at the beginning of April. For the first time in honestly my entire life, I feel really good and excited about throwing a birthday party. And yet I still have some lingering anxieties.

For most of my life I've had pretty bad social anxiety, which has impeded my ability to form satisfying friendships. Over the past few months, for a number of reasons, my anxiety has improved significantly and I've deepened my connections with people I've known for a while, as well as made a bunch of new friends who make me super happy. I'm SO excited that my birthday is coming up and I'll have an excuse to bring all these great people together and invite them into my home. (I'm also moving into a new apartment soon, so this will double as a housewarming!)

But years of social anxiety have left me with a fear of organizing events -- bringing me back to all the times when I was younger that I tried to throw a fun party and things just didn't quite mesh the way I wanted them to. I'm afraid that I'll get all excited for this party and then it won't be as fun as I expect which will then throw me into a depressive period. Logically, I don't think that will happen, because I feel in a good place socially right now. But trauma, even relatively mild trauma like I've experienced, is hard to get over! So I want to both learn how to deal with those intrusive anxious thoughts, and work on my hosting skills to ensure everything goes well.

I want to hear your best hosting tips, trips, and mantras -- especially if you're someone who's struggled with social anxiety!

posted by mekily to Human Relations (18 answers total)

A big one is to be grateful and happy to see everyone who comes. There is nothing worse than going to a party where the host keeps complaining about who DIDN’T come when you made the effort.
posted by cakelite at 9:32 AM on February 17, 2020 [6 favorites]

- Have one friend as a co-planner - one really excited friend who you can count on, so that even if everyone suddenly flakes out on you, this friend can be counted on to party with you.
- Stay flexible till the last minute. My mantra is, at every party something WILL go wrong, and we're going to roll with it and have fun.
- Share your worries with your closest friends!
posted by Omnomnom at 9:33 AM on February 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Have one friend as a co-planner - one really excited friend who you can count on, so that even if everyone suddenly flakes out on you

Was coming here to say this. One rock solid person who will 100% be there and help you is a great help.

Sometimes I can get over-chill about a party because I don't want to bother other people with excessive rules and this can not help. So don't say something like "Come over Sunday evening sometime" but "Hey it's my birthday and I'm having wine and cake in my new apartment. Come over at 8."

This way people can tell that it's an after-dinner thing, that there will be cake there (and wine) and when to show up. And also that it's a special day for you which can nudge more people into going who might have their own social anxieties. People will come later than that but at least they know the early end. For adult birthdays I'm also pretty clear for people not to bring gifts just so it's not a situation where some do and some don't. My feeling is unless it's you and your three besties (and maybe even then) grown-up birthdays aren't usually a gifts thing. Also it's one more thing to not get stressed about.

Try to limit expectations to something that's manageable. People show up, have a good time, see your new place, like your new place, nothing gets broken, etc. I try to have some anti-negative expectations (no tears of anyone over ten) so that I have some low bars to overcome.
posted by jessamyn at 10:16 AM on February 17, 2020 [9 favorites]

Give a little text nudge earlier in the day along the lines of what Jessamyn said. "Happy Birthday to me tonight at 8. Cake and champagne."

Yes to the co-planner by your side as you welcome each guest. Have a tray of already poured any old champagne and non alcoholic drinks right by the door to hand them as your co-pilot takes their coats. Then usher them, with a drink already in hand, into the main party space. Repeat as needed.
posted by Elsie at 10:52 AM on February 17, 2020

It's good to have some topics of conversation in your head in case the chat dies down for a bit. Sometimes that can happen, and having these topics on hand can keep the party going if it does.

Walk through the party in your head in advance, from the time the first guest arrives to the time they leave. This way anything that can be thought of in advance can be dealt with. Fresh soap in the bathroom, or a place for guests to put their shoes and coats?).

Also get as much done as possible in advance of the day so that you're not tired out and anxious on the day of the party. If you can do something to relax yourself that day (a nap?) that's great.
posted by purplesludge at 10:53 AM on February 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Best answer: My parties were often a disappointment, I thought, and made my sense of anxiety worse whenever I threw a new one, but one thing I found out along the way, when telling people that I was bad at parties, was that they never saw it that way. They always said they had fun and didn't know what the hell I was talking about, and when I looked back, I could see that people did fine and did seem to be okay, I just never saw it through my anxiety and low self-esteem.

Even though you're still young, it's a LOT different when you're older and on your own than when you're a teen--so even though I know it'll be hard to relax a little and let things happen, my advice would be to take the advice of others in the thread about logistics, but also try to relax and let people do their thing. Have some good music on low so people can talk, if you have the space, set up multiple places where people can set a drink down and mingle, like clusters of chairs and a table or kitchen counter, keep the beverages flowing--make yourself a little checklist in your preferred method (phone, paper, sticky note) and check it once in a while. If you have a cake, make it a centerpiece and wait till most people have shown up to cut it. Your excitement at people's presence will carry over and make people happy for you.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 11:40 AM on February 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

Also--games are your friend. Board games, chess, checkers, crokinole, whatever you have. If you have them already set up, people who might be shy themselves (and even those who aren't!) can gravitate toward them.

Some games, like chess, will likely mean quiet times for those playing, but others can create hilarity off in a corner.
posted by purplesludge at 11:49 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

You might also find some ideas in this earlier thread.

Shutting up now!
posted by purplesludge at 11:51 AM on February 17, 2020

Best answer: An important thing I've figured out is that you can either have a very specific party or a very non-specific party but you can't have both and you can't have 5 parties at once, which I think is where a lot of our childhood plans went astray. Once you decide what the party is - non-specific, game night, watch party, craft party, dinner party, cookout, etc - invite people and set an explicit expectation and provide all the information people will need: "Hi! I'm having a BirthdayHousewarming on x/y/2020 from 7-11pm. There will be cake and snacks and beer/wine/sodas, please come hang out and warm my new place with your presence. Address: XYZ. Street parking is generally available nearby, my building is #4 next door to the leasing office, text me at 999-999-9999 if you have trouble finding it."
posted by Lyn Never at 11:55 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I can be socially-anxious in similar ways, and I used to get really wound-up about birthday parties (and parties I threw in general) and be disappointed and feel bad if they didn't seem like the glittering successes I wanted them to be. Two things helped with that:

1. Accepting that the party was not necessarily going to be what I envisioned in my mind, and committing to have fun no matter how it played out. Maybe your new friends will mesh gloriously and it'll be a super-fun night, but even if they don't, you'll have all the people you like the most around you!
2. This is actually something that has helped with social anxiety in general: reminding myself to focus on enjoying the company of the people I'm with, rather than worrying about the people who didn't come, or if someone thinks the party is lame or whatever. This is a little complicated when you're hosting, because you do want people to have a good time at your party! But it's your birthday, and the more fun you're having, the more relaxed you'll be, the more fun everyone else will have.

If it really is a situation where people won't know each other very well, you might want to have some sort of activity, and let people know in advance what it will be. That way other socially anxious people who are reluctant to go to a party where they'll only know the host won't have to worry as much. Games are good for this. You don't have to play the game all night, even: a game like celebrity/fishbowl, for instance, takes about an hour and is great for breaking the ice.
posted by lunasol at 12:21 PM on February 17, 2020

Best answer: I didn't get a bite to eat at my fortieth, I was so anxious. Since then I've manage to internalise properly the fact, the absolute fact, that everyone at that party likes me, and would like me even if it were a vaguely lame party, and didn't come to be entertained, but to celebrate me. I'm not Beyonce for fucks sake's, they're just here for pizza and cos I asked them to come. Have a lovely party and enjoy yourself.
posted by Iteki at 12:41 PM on February 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

One thing: don't plan to cook or prepare complicated food at or just before the party, or you will end up mostly doing that, and that is not the best use of your time at a party.

Another thing: I'm always anxious after the fact, when I think back, that there were people I didn't talk to enough, or as much as other people, or that I forgot to do something, or that something didn't work out the way I wanted, and so on. You may have some of the same anxieties. But remember that parties don't have a star topology -- they are peer-to-peer. Nobody at the party expects you to entertain them specifically 100% of the time -- people at a party talk to each other. And that thing that you know didn't go exactly as you planned? Probably nobody noticed, and if they did, they didn't think it was a huge deal.

Parties are complicated multi-legged animals. You should keep them fed and watered and give them a place to pee and probably make sure that they don't pass out in your neighbour's garden or burn your house down... but you can't control every detail of what they're going to do. The party probably isn't going to be perfect, and that's perfectly OK.
posted by confluency at 1:14 PM on February 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Nobody at the party expects you to entertain them specifically 100% of the time -- people at a party talk to each other.

Oh one other HUGE thing that really helped me, was knowing where to draw the line between my guests' comfort and happiness and my own. And letting my guests manage some of their own expectations once I've been clear about some of the things.

So, for example, it's pretty standard to offer different kinds of drinks (alcohol and non-, that is if you're having alcohol at all) and pretty standard to have vegetarian options for food/snacks. And it's polite to ask people if they have other food concerns if it's a small dinner party, less so for a bigger thing. Also good to know if people have any serious allergies. Also letting people know how accessible your place is (is it upstairs? is parking a schlep?) It's good to have places to sit, napkins or something, things to put drinks in. Most people like music.

But beyond that? Be clear about the situation and try to do your best. If you have a friend who sort of talks and talks and tries to buttonhole you into some one-on-one time, maybe you have to find a way to gracefully exit that convo (and not feel bad!). Or if you have a friend who is hard-to-please or just doesn't like parties too much, don't set your goal to be to please that person specifically. Try to make them as comfortable as possible given that they are 1/x of the people at your event. And if they're being crabby, let other people manage that situation in whatever way they want to, don't feel that you need to arbitrate the way your friends interact with each other.

I would often feel that i had to over-determine the way my friends interacted with my other friends and it turned out that I mostly didn't.
posted by jessamyn at 1:44 PM on February 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

I always have music playing in the background. It helps create a nice mood. Even though I'm not normally a jazz fan, I usually tune into a smooth jazz radio station, just loud enough to hear, but not so loud that anyone has to raise their voice to be heard in normal conversation.
posted by Dolley at 2:58 PM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

So don't say something like "Come over Sunday evening sometime" but "Hey it's my birthday and I'm having wine and cake in my new apartment. Come over at 8."

This way people can tell that it's an after-dinner thing, that there will be cake there (and wine) and when to show up.

Jessamyn and Lyn Never are right on the money here, being clear about what the heck is going on is really helpful. Depending on where you are in your 20s and your friend group's norms, there's a weird stage where people don't have a lot of familiarity with their peers throwing parties that aren't potlucks or BYOBs, and so things can get awkward for guests if they can't quite tell if they're having dinner or not. It also helps people get a sense of whether being fashionably late is okay. Not trying to have a bunch of different sorts of parties at once can really help you and your guests manage your expectations about how the night will go, and probably lead to less disappointment on your end. Will it go exactly as planned? No, but it'll reduce the potential for confused guests.

The other thing that is really helpful, although not always feasible, is inviting people who know at least one of the invitees other than you and their significant other (if they are also invited). This is good when you're a host with social anxiety, because it means that you'll probably feel less responsible to entertain your guests. It also helps your guests who might not be big party people themselves feel more comfortable.
posted by blerghamot at 5:54 PM on February 17, 2020

Best answer: What I discovered recently is that I hate (/fear/dread) "parties" in the abstract, but I love having friends over to eat and drink and hang out. So that's how I frame things in my mind, to basically trick myself into being chill and relaxed about throwing a party. If I can have two or four people over without batting an eye, why not fourteen? It's essentially the same thing, but at a different scale. So I didn't throw a party two weeks ago, I just had a suspiciously large number of friends over at once. And it was great!
posted by gueneverey at 6:47 PM on February 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

I also have a lot of anxiety surrounding throwing parties, though I think this is normal because throwing parties can be scary. These are things I do for something like a birthday/housewarming party that have helped me.

- Other people have mentioned something similar, but I would start by identifying 2-6 close friends that would try very hard to attend, and try to pick a date that works for many of them. That way even if no one else shows up, you can still have a fun time with a small group of people.

- Invite people in a way that lets them see the guest list, and maybe consider inviting people in waves depending on how likely they are to come to your party even if they don't know anyone (this corresponds to just how close of a friend they are for me). I think it can be a bit scary to go to a party where you don't know if you'll know anyone besides the host, and seeing the guestlist can be reassuring. Even more so if you know that people you know will be attending, as opposed to just being invited

- Along the same lines, consider allowing people to bring friends, so that even if they don't know anyone else besides you, they'll know their friend. My experience is that no matter how much you actively encourage guests to invite friends, they will still ask for your permission first, if you're worried about having too many strangers.

- Invite people in a time frame such that you'll see many guests before your party, but after inviting them. Then when you see them, make a conscious effort to talk about your party and double check that they saw the invitation, etc. Invitations get lost, people forget, and this also reassures people that you actually want them to be there, and that you didn't invite them just to be nice.

- Remind people the morning of or the day before. Again, people forget, or might assume that if there's no reminder, the party was cancelled.
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 11:12 AM on February 18, 2020 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for the answers, everyone, you're making me feel all warm and fuzzy. :) I'm marking a few best answers that have helped me mentally reframe the idea of a "party" and eased my anxiety a little -- but really, everything has been helpful.

To add a bit more detail, my anxiety is less about about nobody showing up and more about people showing up, not having a good time, and then thinking less of me because of it. I'm solidly mid-20s and have a pretty low-key friend group, so this gathering will be closer to a BYOB, drop-by-anytime than anything resembling a dinner party (but I will provide snacks and some drinks of course).

I'll do my best to invite people who already know a couple others on the guest list. Everyone I plan to invite I genuinely love (feels weird to be at a point in my life where I can make a list of 20 people I adore!) so being happy to see everyone who arrives should come naturally.

Cheers!
posted by mekily at 12:26 PM on February 19, 2020 [3 favorites]