Did you successfully navigate teen phone use?

March 17, 2019 1:52 PM

Parents of teens or young adults--how did you successfully (or unsuccessfully) guide your teenager with their phone use? I know about some apps and we had a phone contract at some point, but the whole situation has slid into 24/7 phone time now that I'm working more. Help!

I have a 14 year old with a iphone. She's basically a good student and good kid and is getting her stuff done, but when she is not studying she is just watching youtube and texting. I'm kind of concerned because it doesn't look like her friends are getting together to do anything IRL anytmore--just 24/7 texting. The weekends have become: wake up at noon, eat something, sit around in pajamas staring at phone until dinner, then back on the phone. I'm tired of nagging about the phone, tired of nagging about small chores and basic self-care like laundry, cleaning up after yourself, etc.

Ok, so, what to do: Have you been here? Do phone contracts work? Basic apps? What will build her internal clock that says, I need to move now, I need to see friends, I may have another thing to do, etc. I'm trying not to nag and be a gentle guide, but it's really not working. What worked for your family? Please share.

posted by biscuits to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Father of a 16yo. I'm in my mid-forties.

When I was a teen I watched television. I played video games (NES, plus computer games). I also talked a lot on the phone. I listened to music. I read books.

My son also is glued to his phone. It's not ideal, but... it's how kids socialize these days. It's their rotary telephone. It's their television. It's their radio. It's their videogame platform.

With my son, he's in two school bands. He's on the honour role. He speaks three languages. He has a part-time job. He helps out around the house.

So, he has a balanced life. I think he could be a little more physically active, but there's not much time left over in his busy week for that.

Sometimes if I notice him setting the table while staring at a video, I say: "Just focus on doing one thing at a time, and doing it well."

That generally gets him to put down the phone.

I also try to model behaviour by reading books and spending less time on my phone, but it's hard.
posted by JamesBay at 3:11 PM on March 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

Does she have weekend activities with a different group of friends or that her friends could participate in? Breaking it up with a hobby class or a sport might help.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:58 PM on March 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm tired of nagging about the phone, tired of nagging about small chores and basic self-care like laundry, cleaning up after yourself, etc.

Then this is what it's about, not the phone. So deal with this. Make a chore chart and include laundry, room cleaning, dog walking, whatever. Consider using her phone as a tool with a gameified To Do list app like Do It Now or Habitica.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:03 PM on March 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

So I definitely agree that the small chores and basic self-care stuff should be getting done, but as someone who had a weekend routine almost exactly like that in high school in the 90s, I can just say that I was exhausted after a week of high school and basically always needed my weekends to recharge/sleep.

I am an introvert and school at that level is so social and full of interaction that it typically felt like too much to also have social events on weekends unless I was able to plan for them mentally way ahead of time. I don't think the texting/watching youtube is indicative of any bigger problem - think of it as talking on the phone to friends and watching TV. If she's getting the other stuff done she may need weekends to recharge much like I did.
posted by augustimagination at 6:26 PM on March 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

When not at work or school my 18-year-old is texting or watching YouTube with headphones on laptop. My 15-year-old is on video games constantly. Both of them see friends outside of school and will mostly do what I ask when it comes to chores. As in walking the dog, loading the dishwasher, cleaning their room, etc. They also have YMCA memberships and “workout” and play basketball. My 18-year-old will make dinner once or twice a week.

Is your daughter open to hanging out with you and going places? I find that outings, when they agree to go, are great to break up phone use. I live in Florida near the beach. We mostly walk on trails and walkways that lead to the beach. I “make” my 15-year-old go with me since he doesn’t protest too much. Any outing—a walk around the block, for a ride, to the mall to walk, to the movies, to lunch, gets them out of the phone for a bit. Also activities you can do together like baking or planting a small herb garden.

I find that kids need some nudging to make plans with friends. They usually don’t think of it these days. “Why don’t you ask Marcy to the movies/the rec/skate park and I’ll drop you off?” I’ve done that with some success but mostly they want to stay home and talk on headphones or text.

I also call them out of their rooms a lot to help fold and put away clothes, to unload groceries and put away, to take out garbage, etc. You might teach your daughter how to do laundry and be responsible for it. I should have done this years ago. I still can if I get off my phone.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:05 PM on March 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

A few thoughts from someone who isn't a parent, but who does spend a lot of time on her phone, to her mother's chagrin.

First off, I agree with augustimagination; the way school is set up in the US is just not great for teenagers, whose circadian rhythms mean that they need more sleep, and that they tend to do better when allowed to wake up later. Is she getting a decent amount of sleep? What about her eating habits?

I also agree with posters above that the issue is not doing chores rather than forever being on the phone. Could you set up a chore chart, either a physical one or one in Habitica or similar? If you wanted to exercise the nuclear option, you could restrict phone time until chores are done.

At fourteen, she can't drive, and thanks to an uptick in helicopter parenting the days of kids roaming their neighbourhoods on bikes are long past. Would Girl Scouts be an option? It would teach her valuable life skills in addition to getting her off her phone. The suggestion above re: nudges is great. So often kids just default to communicating on the phone because it's the default. See if your local library has activities for teens - many do. Or you could take her to the pool, or bake or cook something together.

The other thing that worked for me: going analogue. Analogue alarm clock in the morning, paper planner (with a list of goals for the week/month - does your daughter have a planner? If not, this is a good age, and the Bullet Journal method is paper-based, endlessly customisable, and super fun - phone off at 10:30 and a kitchen timer to tell me to stop reading my paper book get my ass in bed at 11.15. It's helped a lot.

My final recommendation is that you and your teen read Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport, or at least listen to this excellent interview with him - ignore the name of the site, it's a great resource for non-toxic masculinity. Phones are how teenagers communicate these days; having any kind of a social life is impossible without one. Reading Digital Minimalism will help your daughter be more mindful of how she does use it, though, and perhaps act as a jumping-off point for you both to talk about reducing screen time.
posted by Tamanna at 9:26 PM on March 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

What's missing from your question is "why"? Why do you want her to spend less time on the phone? It's where her friends are, and there is very little general evidence that phone use causes psychological harm to teens.

The authors’ overall calculations did find a statistically significant negative association between technology use and well-being: more screen time is associated with lower well-being in the young people surveyed. But the effects are so small — explaining at most 0.4% of the variation in well-being — as to be of little practical value.

To put this into context, the authors also looked at the associations between well-being and a range of other variables, such as binge drinking, being bullied, smoking, getting enough sleep, eating breakfast, eating vegetables, wearing glasses or going to the cinema. Well-being was more strongly associated, either positively or negatively, with most of these other variables than with digital-technology use. In fact, regularly eating potatoes was almost as negatively associated with well-being as was technology use, and the negative association between wearing glasses and well-being was greater.

I'm not saying there isn't a why, and maybe it's a problem in your daughter's case, but "kids should be on their phones less because kids are on their phones a lot" or "my child's childhood is not like my childhood" is not sufficient, and is not engaging seriously and respectfully with how teenage life works for your daughter and others in 2019. You need to articulate that (at least to yourself, if not to her) if you're going to address this.
posted by caek at 10:10 PM on March 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

She's basically a good student and good kid and is getting her stuff done

So the problem is?

The weekends have become: wake up at noon, eat something, sit around in pajamas staring at phone until dinner, then back on the phone.

That sounds like bliss. Are you sure you're not just jealous? :)

So, joking aside I have taken the permissive track on phone/youtube/teenage behaviour because I believe that being a teenager is really really hard nowadays. The fear is that I am not preparing my child for life is ever present but with all parenting you make your choice and hope for the best. My parents and other adults think i am being "too soft" but like your child, my daughter is happy and getting good grades and a good person.

Sometimes a little correction is in order and last night the following exchange took place.

Me: Done your homework?
Her: I will
Me: Do it now, it's going to be too late
Her: I will
Me: No, now. Not joking.
Her: Teenage Sulking
Me: Do you want me to stay and help
Her: No, and by "no" I mean "fuck off" (this was very funny in person)

She did her homework.

Being a parent is hard. Being a teenager is insanely difficult. There'll be plenty of time for them to have to slog away at things they don't want to do when they grow up.
posted by fullerine at 12:31 AM on March 18, 2019 [6 favorites]

I would tell her that as she's getting older, you expect her to take responsibility for [chore list] without nagging, and help her set up a plan to help her do that. If she falls down on the job, take away the phone for 12-24 hours. Repeat as needed.

If you have reason to feel seriously concerned that she isn't doing anything else, I still wouldn't recommend setting up rules surrounding the phone. Instead set up expectations about engaging in other activities... joining a sport/ club/ etc. or developing a hobby or whatever. Focusing on the phone will just be frustrating for you both, and it's usually more productive to focus on things to be done instead of things not to do.
posted by metasarah at 11:12 AM on March 18, 2019 [1 favorite]

I use Screen Time to limit my kid's phone access. Right now it's in total shut down (except text, maps, camera and a few other apps like her bank account and health plan to communicate with her doctor) after a period of being chronically late to classes and bailing on commitments. Once she's meeting our shared agreed basic expectations again we will give her more access. She actually agrees she should have some limits on her access as she, like many (most?) of us has trouble self-limiting her phone time.
posted by latkes at 11:35 AM on March 18, 2019 [2 favorites]