I need a sanity check on my expectations.
March 9, 2019 1:02 PM Subscribe
Is it reasonable to expect a person to learn to respond non-defensively? Under what circumstances is this not a reasonable thing?
If I am attacking someone then it is appropriate for them to feel attacked. If I am instead complaining about, for example, the fact that I use most of my "free time" anticipating and managing the needs of the family, and my partner uses most of their "free time" on themselves only, not even thinking proactively of ways to lighten the collective load, am I reasonable to expect my partner to learn how to receive my complaint, not try to prove me wrong then shut down the conversation?
Is it reasonable to expect someone to be able to learn to validate a complaint or the emotion behind it rather than always trying to disprove it, minimize or blame shift?
I feel like I've changed a ton for my partner, and he is still reverting to old patterns of "no I didn't do that, here's why you're wrong, I am not going to talk to you when you're acting like this." Meaning 12 hours trying to dodge the issue. No apology. I complain about division of labor, come downstairs later and see him sweeping the floors, but he still will not acknowledge my complaints as valid. It feels really childish and dumb but until he delays the process for 12+ hours I see it with more empathy than that.
I don't chase. I used to chase. But the refusal to engage the topic is infuriating and from my position also really juvenile. He will not frame it as a conflict management difference or even a misunderstanding. According to him I just want to pick fights.
I asked for him to try to understand my position, and he talked nonstop about his own position only. I listened, and then said it back to him to prove I was listening.
When I tried to explain why I was upset about division of labor issues and reliability issues, he interrupted me. When I called him out on it, he rolled his eyes. We haven't been fighting, so this level of escalation this quickly is really disappointing.
He won't bother to understand why I'm upset or take any of it seriously. He is too busy defending his pride. This is hugely difficult for me to tolerate because it seems like a vote against your relationship whenever people do this.
I guess I am wondering, if it's a complaint not a criticism, if I work hard not to call names, to put the request there in an overt manner, to talk about my feelings and not attack character, is it reasonable to expect someone to be able to hear it? And if they have personal issues related to this, is it reasonable to expect them to own their issues rather than say "nu un no you, and you just want to start shit"?
Is it reasonable to expect that if I reduce the frequency of complaints, offer lots of positive communication and appreciation, refrain from "always"/"never" and refrain from character attacks, that I would be able to complain judiciously and get the appropriate pro-social response?
Have you personally found a way to get someone close to you to stop responding to you defensively? If I just praise it's easy. But even a feedback sandwich causes this problem, then it's days of silent treatment unless I basically drop my complaint and I'm just tired of it. I feel like I'm asking for something pretty normal, and don't know what else to do to increase the chance of getting it. I am so tired of reading articles about why people don't apologize, why people get defensive, complaints vs criticism. I just want to complain and have my partner look for the truth in it instead of starting a war to protect himself.
Before you say DTMFA, my spouse is generally awesome and generous, listens well, supports my projects, is a hands on parent, helps with almost anything I ask without complaining, doesn't resent me when my chronic illness renders me unable to function, tries to do right by me, etc. There's lots of good here, but this particular issue and the way he tries to gaslight me into thinking I'm the one creating problems is getting to me.
If I am attacking someone then it is appropriate for them to feel attacked. If I am instead complaining about, for example, the fact that I use most of my "free time" anticipating and managing the needs of the family, and my partner uses most of their "free time" on themselves only, not even thinking proactively of ways to lighten the collective load, am I reasonable to expect my partner to learn how to receive my complaint, not try to prove me wrong then shut down the conversation?
Is it reasonable to expect someone to be able to learn to validate a complaint or the emotion behind it rather than always trying to disprove it, minimize or blame shift?
I feel like I've changed a ton for my partner, and he is still reverting to old patterns of "no I didn't do that, here's why you're wrong, I am not going to talk to you when you're acting like this." Meaning 12 hours trying to dodge the issue. No apology. I complain about division of labor, come downstairs later and see him sweeping the floors, but he still will not acknowledge my complaints as valid. It feels really childish and dumb but until he delays the process for 12+ hours I see it with more empathy than that.
I don't chase. I used to chase. But the refusal to engage the topic is infuriating and from my position also really juvenile. He will not frame it as a conflict management difference or even a misunderstanding. According to him I just want to pick fights.
I asked for him to try to understand my position, and he talked nonstop about his own position only. I listened, and then said it back to him to prove I was listening.
When I tried to explain why I was upset about division of labor issues and reliability issues, he interrupted me. When I called him out on it, he rolled his eyes. We haven't been fighting, so this level of escalation this quickly is really disappointing.
He won't bother to understand why I'm upset or take any of it seriously. He is too busy defending his pride. This is hugely difficult for me to tolerate because it seems like a vote against your relationship whenever people do this.
I guess I am wondering, if it's a complaint not a criticism, if I work hard not to call names, to put the request there in an overt manner, to talk about my feelings and not attack character, is it reasonable to expect someone to be able to hear it? And if they have personal issues related to this, is it reasonable to expect them to own their issues rather than say "nu un no you, and you just want to start shit"?
Is it reasonable to expect that if I reduce the frequency of complaints, offer lots of positive communication and appreciation, refrain from "always"/"never" and refrain from character attacks, that I would be able to complain judiciously and get the appropriate pro-social response?
Have you personally found a way to get someone close to you to stop responding to you defensively? If I just praise it's easy. But even a feedback sandwich causes this problem, then it's days of silent treatment unless I basically drop my complaint and I'm just tired of it. I feel like I'm asking for something pretty normal, and don't know what else to do to increase the chance of getting it. I am so tired of reading articles about why people don't apologize, why people get defensive, complaints vs criticism. I just want to complain and have my partner look for the truth in it instead of starting a war to protect himself.
Before you say DTMFA, my spouse is generally awesome and generous, listens well, supports my projects, is a hands on parent, helps with almost anything I ask without complaining, doesn't resent me when my chronic illness renders me unable to function, tries to do right by me, etc. There's lots of good here, but this particular issue and the way he tries to gaslight me into thinking I'm the one creating problems is getting to me.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, I'm sorry this is happening, but this is really more of an "amirite" question that falls under chatfilter. -- LobsterMitten
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I'm asking for advice to get a defensive person to learn not to be so defensive, as well as feedback about whether I have realistic expectations - expectations that what I am doing in these situations "should work" and expectations that such a change can happen.
posted by crunchy potato at 1:14 PM on March 9, 2019