Should I have sex with him? ( xxx subject matter)

March 3, 2019 7:17 AM

This is what started the conversation:

I'm a gay man and I have an acquaintance, a hetro male who wants to sexually experiment with me, or as he puts it "he wants to be gay with me". He sent me the above MeFi blue and told me straight up that he is very turned on by the subject. I have to admit that this acquaintance has been the focus of many masturbation fantasies because he is drop dead handsome/cute, and a very sweet guy. But I would never initiate anything sexual with him, or with any other hetro male - that's just bad form. But I'm so very chuffed that he asked me.

So he wants to experiment. I've been thinking about it and I'm running hot and cold over the idea. I like this guy, I want to be friends with him as we have several things in common, but mostly I just like this guy, he's fun, nice to be around. But once the deed is done, there is no going back. Having sex changes the entire game. Right?

My head is spinning. Am I over thinking this? Should we get together and just see what happens? Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

posted by james33 to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Best answer: Sounds exciting! I'd really search my feelings to check that I'd be really okay about this being on the down low. Since he's straight-identified he's likely to be invested in keeping things purely physical and discreet. Make sure you are, too.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:25 AM on March 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Best answer: If dude thinks of himself and refers to himself as hetero, there's not much in this for you other than probably-not-very-good sex followed by a bunch of emotional discomfort.

To me this would depend very much on how experienced you are, how willing you are to walk away from this acquaintance, and how much you enjoy hooking up with someone who hasn't figured their sexuality out yet.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:32 AM on March 3, 2019 [13 favorites]

Best answer: How good are you with one night stands in general? Do you get emotionally attached? If you can do it and forget it, so to speak, then it might be something to think about and be an awesome night that you can remember fondly, or excitedly, or however. If it’s going to possibly create more attachment to someone you already really like and are attracted to, it may not be the best idea, as it can cause you suffering afterwards.
posted by MountainDaisy at 7:57 AM on March 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

Best answer: So he wants to experiment. I've been thinking about it and I'm running hot and cold over the idea. I like this guy, I want to be friends with him as we have several things in common, but mostly I just like this guy, he's fun, nice to be around. But once the deed is done, there is no going back. Having sex changes the entire game.

I would say exactly this to him, and get his thoughts on the matter.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:14 AM on March 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

Best answer: "I'm running hot and cold over the idea."

If it's not "fuck yes," then it should be "no" IMO. I mean, I'm 100% in support of experimenting and casual sex when people are enthusiastic and consenting, but it doesn't sound like you're enthusiastic and as @aspersioncast said, "there's not much in this for you other than probably-not-very-good sex followed by a bunch of emotional discomfort."

Would the dude in question admit to his friends or buddies that he'd "been gay with you"? How would you feel if you were at a party or event and overheard him strenuously denying he's gay or had ever "experimented."

If he can straight-up (ahem) tell you that he'd look his best friends in the eye and say "yeah, I totally tried it, and it was great / wasn't my thing, but I'm glad I found out" then maybe he's somebody that would be safe to "experiment" with and stay acquainted with afterwards.
posted by jzb at 8:31 AM on March 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Maybe this is semantics, but you note that he's turned on by simultaneous masturbation, quote him as saying "experiment" and then go on to refer to "doing the deed" and "having sex." And some of the answers go on to postulate bad sex.

I think there's a gulf between these notions-- what gay sex means to you isn't the same as what it means to him, as he may not even be contemplating mutual masturbation--which will be the source of potential trouble, from simple awkwardness to lasting regret. What's called for, for both your sakes, is to start down a road with many exit ramps for either of you take if it gets too intense or you start worrying that the friendship is at risk. Try watching a movie sitting close on a couch or sharing a blanket.
posted by carmicha at 8:56 AM on March 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I am kind of arguing about the identity stuff built into all these over where it's blue, but practically speaking if he's hot and he wants to, just find some way to check in with him about whether he'll feel fine about it later (nb: if he genuinely hasn't done it before, he may not actually know) and go for it. I guess I'm saying this because, for one thing, he's already ASKED you, so the game done changed already.

If you do, and he does get all squirrely, it can be a salvageable situation if you're both adults with decent boundaries--is that something you know to be true of him (and you)?

Agreeing with aspersionscast, though: if he's really conflicted about it your fantasies about it may be hotter than the actuality. Tortured ambivalence does not feature prominently in porn, with good reason. (Even the "BRO, what are you doing performing fellatio on me?!" variety has to move rapidly along to gay-looking mutual enjoyment or you're stuck with....I guess the boring porn of the 90s where people somehow managed to look like they'd rather be doing their taxes and have an orgasm at the same time.)
posted by Smearcase at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2019 [5 favorites]

Best answer: That you are angst-ing about it at all says NO to me. Otherwise you'd have already made plans.

Who has the most at stake in this equation? You do.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 11:26 AM on March 3, 2019

Best answer: Talk more first.
posted by Segundus at 11:47 AM on March 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Take him out to the gay bar/club/whatever and introduce him to someone else who will be all casual and let him figure out what's up without it being between you two of uncertain standings. Neither of you need to be fulfilling a fantasy fixation on that first time for everything.
posted by zengargoyle at 3:55 PM on March 3, 2019

Response by poster: My thanks to all who have replied.

I'm not going to do it. It just doesn't feel right.
posted by james33 at 1:24 AM on March 4, 2019 [7 favorites]

I think you're making the right call. I have a friend from college who is a lesbian. A mutual female friend (very attractive, fun straight girl) asked the same "favor" of her... they had sex with each other... and then the straight friend told me and other friends how "gross" lesbian sex was and how now she knew for SURE that she was straight. I felt really bad for my friend who was willing to be experimented on.
posted by tk_zk at 4:04 AM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]