Am I thinking too much about my first date ever?
December 23, 2018 9:12 AM Subscribe
So I went on my first date ever a few days ago. The fact that this has happened is enough for me, getting to the point of asking a woman out and actually going on a date is a huge milestone for me. I think the next time I ask someone out I will be way more relaxed and confident, it will no longer be the hassle it once was.
However, I liked the woman I went out with a lot. I texted her a day after but I have heard nothing back. I thought it went really well and that she was very interested in me.
This is what leads me into believing she was interested. First, we have a lot in common, we are basically of the same opinion on pretty much everything we talked about. Second, when I offered to pay she wouldn't let me and ended up paying for both of us. Finally, when it was over she told me that I should keep inviting her to the events where we both met, I am guessing that this was her way of telling me that she wants to keep seeing me, previously she told she wasn't very good at talking to people.
Yet, she hasn't texted me back. The last time this happened it was because she had been busy. I don't know and the anxiety is killing me. Am I just overreacting or thinking too much? I'm just not sure I haven't been on a date before. I just don't like the whole suspense thing.
This is what leads me into believing she was interested. First, we have a lot in common, we are basically of the same opinion on pretty much everything we talked about. Second, when I offered to pay she wouldn't let me and ended up paying for both of us. Finally, when it was over she told me that I should keep inviting her to the events where we both met, I am guessing that this was her way of telling me that she wants to keep seeing me, previously she told she wasn't very good at talking to people.
Yet, she hasn't texted me back. The last time this happened it was because she had been busy. I don't know and the anxiety is killing me. Am I just overreacting or thinking too much? I'm just not sure I haven't been on a date before. I just don't like the whole suspense thing.
Well done on your first ever date! Sadly the suspense and not knowing how the other person felt never really goes away.
Both people want to make a good impression, so you probably shouldn't read too much into agreeable conversations. I don't think there's a particular rule on paying but I think part of the motivation for splitting the bill is so neither party feels they owe the other anything (like another date), and I've insisted myself on paying before on similar grounds. It probably depends on the sort of event as to whether she meant, yes I'd like another date or yes I hope to see you at events we both enjoy but as friends.
There are occasional first dates that clearly go well - lots of flirting, kissing etc, but for the majority both people are playing it cool and neither knows where they stand.
If I think a date has gone well then I send a single message along the lines of "I enjoyed tonight, [reference to something we discussed or is doing], meet up again soon?". And then you just have to leave it and wait - so many reasons why they may not respond and lots of which aren't down to you or how the date went, just where they are in their lives and feeling at that moment. Good luck!
posted by JonB at 9:36 AM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
Both people want to make a good impression, so you probably shouldn't read too much into agreeable conversations. I don't think there's a particular rule on paying but I think part of the motivation for splitting the bill is so neither party feels they owe the other anything (like another date), and I've insisted myself on paying before on similar grounds. It probably depends on the sort of event as to whether she meant, yes I'd like another date or yes I hope to see you at events we both enjoy but as friends.
There are occasional first dates that clearly go well - lots of flirting, kissing etc, but for the majority both people are playing it cool and neither knows where they stand.
If I think a date has gone well then I send a single message along the lines of "I enjoyed tonight, [reference to something we discussed or is doing], meet up again soon?". And then you just have to leave it and wait - so many reasons why they may not respond and lots of which aren't down to you or how the date went, just where they are in their lives and feeling at that moment. Good luck!
posted by JonB at 9:36 AM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
While if I were a betting man, I would bet she is not interested in another actual date, I think it is too soon to tell especially around this time of year when people are very busy. Give it another day or two for her to respond. Then, a no response is a no.
posted by AugustWest at 9:39 AM on December 23, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 9:39 AM on December 23, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: She was laughing, touching her dress a lot, she was leaning in, it didn't end early and she ended up being late for her other activity or whatever. She was also flirty, but I didn't catch that until later, so I sort of missed that.
I would have liked to have been more direct, but I was nervous and not sure what to do. I don't know if she was expecting me to do something. Had this not been my first date and if there would have been more time I would have.
posted by Braxis at 9:47 AM on December 23, 2018
I would have liked to have been more direct, but I was nervous and not sure what to do. I don't know if she was expecting me to do something. Had this not been my first date and if there would have been more time I would have.
posted by Braxis at 9:47 AM on December 23, 2018
Nice job on getting out there! I've insisted (while laughing and being pleasant) on paying the bill once or twice. Each time it was because I wasn't planning to see the guy again and I didn't want him paying my restaurant tab.
That being said, gestures mean wildly different things to people. I would take it slow and not worry too much about this person in particular. You got some great practice in for future dates!
posted by WaspEnterprises at 10:19 AM on December 23, 2018 [13 favorites]
That being said, gestures mean wildly different things to people. I would take it slow and not worry too much about this person in particular. You got some great practice in for future dates!
posted by WaspEnterprises at 10:19 AM on December 23, 2018 [13 favorites]
Generally if someone is really interested I think that people make fairly immediate plans for a next date while still there for the first date. If you're located in a place where Christmas is a thing, this might be more complicated right now but I would suspect that she would have said something like "I'm super consumed with family stuff for the next 2 weeks but let's get together after the new year."
posted by k8t at 10:20 AM on December 23, 2018
posted by k8t at 10:20 AM on December 23, 2018
Congrats on your first date! The fact that she insisted on paying is not an indication that she was into you. Honestly, if I paid for our first date, I’d do so because it felt to me more like a friendship type of thing at this time, and I wasn’t sure I could see the guy romantically.
I went on a first date recently (it was a hike), that went seemingly well. The guy was physically attractive, had a comparable sense of humor, the conversation flowed, lots of things in common, etc. But some of the things that he said made me feel that he is a very independent person (“I prefer to travel alone” etc, etc.), and not readily attached. Nothing wrong with that, but upon reflecting on our conversation, I realized that I’m attracted to a kind of guy who is a lot more into coupledom. Otherwise I tend to get clingy, and that’s not good for anyone. So when he sent me a message the next day, I didn’t reply. Maybe that’s shitty of me, but I wasn’t sure what to say, and this type of message is not pleasant to send to someone, so I was putting it off. After a couple of days it seemed like there’s no point to write anything, he probably got the hint. If he messages me again, I will tell him that unfortunately I don’t see us dating. Even though he was perfectly interesting and nice, and I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him as friends.
The suspense that you are experiencing is a part of dating, always will be. Try to think of it as a type of thrilling experience, that you will probably get to feel many more times. Go out with some friends, have fun. It either will or will not work out with this woman, but regardless, pat yourself on the back for finding the courage to ask her out, and don’t dig too deep into possible reasons of her possible rejection of you. As long as you treat women with respect, show genuine interest in them and in what they have to say, are yourself and not afraid to laugh at yourself, you’ll meet someone who will love exactly who you are and be thrilled to have met you. If you feel that you possibly were too nervous or shy – believe me, you’ll meet someone who will find your nervousness touching and adorable, and will want to go out with you again to give you time to relax into being more like yourself and comfortable. Or you will go on enough first dates and not feel nervous anymore. Either way, there’s no need to dwell on it.
posted by LakeDream at 10:35 AM on December 23, 2018 [7 favorites]
I went on a first date recently (it was a hike), that went seemingly well. The guy was physically attractive, had a comparable sense of humor, the conversation flowed, lots of things in common, etc. But some of the things that he said made me feel that he is a very independent person (“I prefer to travel alone” etc, etc.), and not readily attached. Nothing wrong with that, but upon reflecting on our conversation, I realized that I’m attracted to a kind of guy who is a lot more into coupledom. Otherwise I tend to get clingy, and that’s not good for anyone. So when he sent me a message the next day, I didn’t reply. Maybe that’s shitty of me, but I wasn’t sure what to say, and this type of message is not pleasant to send to someone, so I was putting it off. After a couple of days it seemed like there’s no point to write anything, he probably got the hint. If he messages me again, I will tell him that unfortunately I don’t see us dating. Even though he was perfectly interesting and nice, and I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him as friends.
The suspense that you are experiencing is a part of dating, always will be. Try to think of it as a type of thrilling experience, that you will probably get to feel many more times. Go out with some friends, have fun. It either will or will not work out with this woman, but regardless, pat yourself on the back for finding the courage to ask her out, and don’t dig too deep into possible reasons of her possible rejection of you. As long as you treat women with respect, show genuine interest in them and in what they have to say, are yourself and not afraid to laugh at yourself, you’ll meet someone who will love exactly who you are and be thrilled to have met you. If you feel that you possibly were too nervous or shy – believe me, you’ll meet someone who will find your nervousness touching and adorable, and will want to go out with you again to give you time to relax into being more like yourself and comfortable. Or you will go on enough first dates and not feel nervous anymore. Either way, there’s no need to dwell on it.
posted by LakeDream at 10:35 AM on December 23, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: The only one who can tell you what is going on with her is her! So the internet cannot give you a definitive interpretation and closure for all the doubt you are feeling—as good as some of the discourse and speculation might feel in the moment, it is mere gossip.
To answer the question in the title of the post, I'm going to go with yes, yes you are.
And I don't mean that unkindly. I believe this state of affairs is 1000% natural when we have put ourselves out there in uncharted territory, with wish-fulfillment as the glittery, elusive goal at the end of the quest.
But I think you are putting waaaaay too much mental energy into something that you have no control over. As someone who has spent too much time obsessing over issues that I could not possibly influence or predict, I want to tell you it's an energy sink and steer you clear.
There is some Toltec wisdom that says you only need to agree to four things in life, and one of them is, "Always do your best." And I think the reason for that is exactly situations like yours: it is agonizing, you want to hear back from her, you want feedback on how you did and where you stand! But, you can say to yourself, "Well, I did the very most I could, I did not half-ass by any measure," and regain peace of mind and detachment when the suspense is torqued up so high. And learning how to put yourself in this place will serve you grandly everywhere in life: relationships, jobs, social achievements, just everywhere.
So, from what I can tell from your description, you did your very best! You had a lovely date, you texted her as much, now the ball is in her court. Take her at her word, keep her in the loop about your group things, but if you truly like her as an individual and not the role she could fulfill in your life, give her the time and space to figure out whether she wants. Some people just go slow, some people just don't go. Find a way to distract this mental energy—exercise, start a complex hobby project, something! away from needless speculation and back to yourself in the present tense.
Good luck, I know it's all easier said than done. :|
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 10:54 AM on December 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
To answer the question in the title of the post, I'm going to go with yes, yes you are.
And I don't mean that unkindly. I believe this state of affairs is 1000% natural when we have put ourselves out there in uncharted territory, with wish-fulfillment as the glittery, elusive goal at the end of the quest.
But I think you are putting waaaaay too much mental energy into something that you have no control over. As someone who has spent too much time obsessing over issues that I could not possibly influence or predict, I want to tell you it's an energy sink and steer you clear.
There is some Toltec wisdom that says you only need to agree to four things in life, and one of them is, "Always do your best." And I think the reason for that is exactly situations like yours: it is agonizing, you want to hear back from her, you want feedback on how you did and where you stand! But, you can say to yourself, "Well, I did the very most I could, I did not half-ass by any measure," and regain peace of mind and detachment when the suspense is torqued up so high. And learning how to put yourself in this place will serve you grandly everywhere in life: relationships, jobs, social achievements, just everywhere.
So, from what I can tell from your description, you did your very best! You had a lovely date, you texted her as much, now the ball is in her court. Take her at her word, keep her in the loop about your group things, but if you truly like her as an individual and not the role she could fulfill in your life, give her the time and space to figure out whether she wants. Some people just go slow, some people just don't go. Find a way to distract this mental energy—exercise, start a complex hobby project, something! away from needless speculation and back to yourself in the present tense.
Good luck, I know it's all easier said than done. :|
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 10:54 AM on December 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Second, when I offered to pay she wouldn't let me and ended up paying for both of us.
Just for future reference, you really can't read much into this. I pretty much never let the guy pay for me on a first date, even if I really like him, because it makes me uncomfortable. It feels transactional, like something is expected of me in exchange, even if the guy doesn't mean it that way.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:57 AM on December 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
Just for future reference, you really can't read much into this. I pretty much never let the guy pay for me on a first date, even if I really like him, because it makes me uncomfortable. It feels transactional, like something is expected of me in exchange, even if the guy doesn't mean it that way.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:57 AM on December 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: I see. Well, yes I agree I did my best with what I had. I guess it's her turn to decide whether she is interested or not. Regardless of that I would not mind having this woman as a friend, so I guess I will keep inviting her to those group outings.
I guess the only thing I can do is move forward. I feel much more confident that the next time this will be far easier.
posted by Braxis at 11:03 AM on December 23, 2018 [29 favorites]
I guess the only thing I can do is move forward. I feel much more confident that the next time this will be far easier.
posted by Braxis at 11:03 AM on December 23, 2018 [29 favorites]
I guess the only thing I can do is move forward. I feel much more confident that the next time this will be far easier.
Hell yeah!
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:12 AM on December 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
Hell yeah!
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:12 AM on December 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: To be quite frank now that I am less anxious. I think we are better off as friends. The whole date felt that way anyway, it didn't feel like a date, it felt more like hanging out.
Thanks for the responses anyway, they have allowed me to put things into perspective.
posted by Braxis at 11:39 AM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Thanks for the responses anyway, they have allowed me to put things into perspective.
posted by Braxis at 11:39 AM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
I wanted to say that you have a great attitude towards this all, especially in what you wrote here:
"Regardless of that I would not mind having this woman as a friend, so I guess I will keep inviting her to those group outings.
I guess the only thing I can do is move forward. I feel much more confident that the next time this will be far easier."
YES!!! I believe that a date that ends with friendship rather than a romantic relationship is as much of a success as one that results in the latter. Wanting your friendship is a huge compliment even if it's a disappointment in some ways, I know. Dating means dealing with frequent rejection but that's what it takes to eventually find something that does work out. Additionally, if she sees you as a friend and, therefore, a good person, she might be willing to set you up with her other friends with whom you'd be a better romantic match. Congratulations again on your successful first date and good luck with future ones. You're in good company, and we're rooting for you!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:29 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
"Regardless of that I would not mind having this woman as a friend, so I guess I will keep inviting her to those group outings.
I guess the only thing I can do is move forward. I feel much more confident that the next time this will be far easier."
YES!!! I believe that a date that ends with friendship rather than a romantic relationship is as much of a success as one that results in the latter. Wanting your friendship is a huge compliment even if it's a disappointment in some ways, I know. Dating means dealing with frequent rejection but that's what it takes to eventually find something that does work out. Additionally, if she sees you as a friend and, therefore, a good person, she might be willing to set you up with her other friends with whom you'd be a better romantic match. Congratulations again on your successful first date and good luck with future ones. You're in good company, and we're rooting for you!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:29 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Yes, well I hope we can stay friends, even if that date didn't work out I would prefer that she doesn't think I'm just inviting her to keep at it. I know some guys are like that.
I don't know whether I should state that plainly the next time we see each other or whether I should just act like nothing happened. I would say option 1 is better but I don't know.
posted by Braxis at 3:13 PM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't know whether I should state that plainly the next time we see each other or whether I should just act like nothing happened. I would say option 1 is better but I don't know.
posted by Braxis at 3:13 PM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
The suspense that you are experiencing is a part of dating, always will be. Try to think of it as a type of thrilling experience, that you will probably get to feel many more times.
SO MUCH THIS (above) - Dating can be anxiety-producing, but try to re-frame it as merely exciting!! These are FUN problems to have!! If the roller coaster gets to be too much, you can always take a break.
Then get back in there: sometimes you'll be disappointed. Sometimes you'll be delighted. Sometimes you'll be surprised - No dates are a "Loss" just "Lessons" - and it sounds like you're doing great.
Congratulations on your first date: here's to many more!!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:27 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
SO MUCH THIS (above) - Dating can be anxiety-producing, but try to re-frame it as merely exciting!! These are FUN problems to have!! If the roller coaster gets to be too much, you can always take a break.
Then get back in there: sometimes you'll be disappointed. Sometimes you'll be delighted. Sometimes you'll be surprised - No dates are a "Loss" just "Lessons" - and it sounds like you're doing great.
Congratulations on your first date: here's to many more!!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:27 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I so appreciate that you don't want to come across as pushy towards this woman- you sound great, and I'm nthing your positive attitude towards the whole thing!
HMMV but if I were the woman in question here, I would love an explicit statement from you that you're into being friends and don't want to pursue anything romantically(backed up by future interactions, of course). For me, this would eliminate uncertainty and awkwardness from future encounters and provide a base for actually being friends.
posted by DTMFA at 12:48 PM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
HMMV but if I were the woman in question here, I would love an explicit statement from you that you're into being friends and don't want to pursue anything romantically(backed up by future interactions, of course). For me, this would eliminate uncertainty and awkwardness from future encounters and provide a base for actually being friends.
posted by DTMFA at 12:48 PM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Next time pay attention to the signs during the date. It doesn't matter how much you have in common - was she laughing, leaning in, touching her hair, relaxing around you? Or was she stiff, polite, did the date end early? Get used to paying attention to the micro signs and you will be more successful.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:30 AM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]