How can I deal with this feeling of loneliness and depression?

December 21, 2018 1:06 PM

It's this feeling during the holidays when you have nobody to celebrate, and when all of your past and depression comes back.

I have been lonely pretty much since my teenage years. I was always an outsider and never had lots of friends until I became around sixteen and met a group of 'alternative' people at the time, like I thought I was. However, I have been suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendencies since this age.

Almost six years ago i finished school in a south European county and hat to move away from my parents, my family and my friends to start a new life somewhere else. I have the privilege to be half German and live in the house my parents used to live before they moved away. I have a good job, a nice car, earn a good amount of money, have a great partner which whom I can imagine having my own family with in a couple of years, but I am not happy. I still have manic depressive episodes at least once a month and I find myself disappointed, helpless and sad most of my days.

I never made real friends here. I have grown up but I am still an outsider and prefer spending my time alone practicing my hobbies. I thought I finally found peace with myself when I said that it's just my personality to rather be alone and listen to some good piece of music than being out with friends. I really enjoy being alone, not only because I don't really know how to socialize but because I don't really want it either. I'm pretty fine.

However, there are many evenings like this one, when I just want and need a person here. I miss my parents and I'm jealous about how everyone I know can visit their parents whenever they want. I have to pay a 400EUR flight ticket and don't have the time either because of my job. I am afraid of the time my parents won't be there anymore and I will hate myself for not spending every Christmas and even every f'cking weekend with them.

If I stayed back in my home town, I would have no decent job, nor an own apartment, a car, or any money to live with. I had to make this choice, and my parents were always supportive, although I know that they are not happy either. They don't have many friends, not many family members which they come along with, and I'm their only child. My brother died 18 years ago.

I hate myself for leaving them. But I know that I earn enough money now to support them if anything ever happens.

I am miserable. Sometimes I really wish I had a friend to talk to and don't have to post these kind of questions in an online blog. But honestly, I don't feel that I have the strength anymore to make social contacts. A feel like I am done. I concentrate on my job and on my relationship; I have enough things in life to feel happy but I don't. Sometimes I don't want to live anymore.

I have never been diagnosed with anything. I know I have a major depression, I used to go to psychotherapy and I take antidepressants every day. They never changed anything by the way; I just take them because I don't want to know what life would be like without them.

I just know that something is wrong with me. Have any of you had this kind of feeling in their life? Or have gone through a time of this kind of loneliness? I think I can cope with this better by hearing something from people who feel me.

Thank you in advance for reading my story and taking the time to answer me.

posted by Tiffy119 to Human Relations