I don't want to live, but suicide is out of the question. What can I do?
October 6, 2018 1:59 PM Subscribe
I spent the first decades of my life depressed, and, as far back as I remember, thought every day about killing myself. Obviously, I didn't, and I no longer consider suicide. I have gotten lots of therapy, am on medication, and have a great life, including a wonderful husband and daughter. I am not depressed, but I would still rather not be alive. I feel emotional pain very strongly and would much rather sign out of life, even if I would miss out on future happiness.
I will not, however, kill myself, because it would ruin the lives of my grade-school daughter and my husband. My biggest regret in life is not killing myself when I was a child and did not have moral obligations. I've told my husband that, if he ever wants to be with someone else, I'll walk away and he can have it all: our daughter, our house, our money, etc., but he wants me. I haven't told him that I sometimes fantasize about him and our daughter dying because then I could kill myself. Short of getting them to take up dangerous hobbies, what can I do?
Please don't suggest more therapy, different meds, exercise, etc. It's a legitimate position to think it's better not to exist. Like the Buddhists, I believe life is suffering. Since I don't believe in reincarnation, death is the way to escape suffering. I agree with the redditor who wrote: "When we die, we return to the nonexistence that we knew before our births. It is not an unknown state, it is just permanent, dreamless sleep...if there isn't life after death, it's still better than this life." I've tried mindfulness and meditation.
I have everything a person could want, including loving family and friends, lots of money, and a fulfilling job that I enjoy and in which I get to help people, but those are at best distractions, frosting on a turd.
What can I do except try to distract myself as much as possible and wait it out for a few more decades until I finally die or at least for my daughter to be grown and then make my death look accidental?
Yes, this is triggered by current political events, but that's just sprinkles of shit on the frosted turd. It doesn't make a fundamental difference.
I will not, however, kill myself, because it would ruin the lives of my grade-school daughter and my husband. My biggest regret in life is not killing myself when I was a child and did not have moral obligations. I've told my husband that, if he ever wants to be with someone else, I'll walk away and he can have it all: our daughter, our house, our money, etc., but he wants me. I haven't told him that I sometimes fantasize about him and our daughter dying because then I could kill myself. Short of getting them to take up dangerous hobbies, what can I do?
Please don't suggest more therapy, different meds, exercise, etc. It's a legitimate position to think it's better not to exist. Like the Buddhists, I believe life is suffering. Since I don't believe in reincarnation, death is the way to escape suffering. I agree with the redditor who wrote: "When we die, we return to the nonexistence that we knew before our births. It is not an unknown state, it is just permanent, dreamless sleep...if there isn't life after death, it's still better than this life." I've tried mindfulness and meditation.
I have everything a person could want, including loving family and friends, lots of money, and a fulfilling job that I enjoy and in which I get to help people, but those are at best distractions, frosting on a turd.
What can I do except try to distract myself as much as possible and wait it out for a few more decades until I finally die or at least for my daughter to be grown and then make my death look accidental?
Yes, this is triggered by current political events, but that's just sprinkles of shit on the frosted turd. It doesn't make a fundamental difference.
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