Someone's rejection of me as a friend destroyed me. What should I do?
September 29, 2018 3:23 AM Subscribe
Destroyed could be melodramatic but it felt like that; asthma attack/breakdown when I was alone, obsessive, anxious thoughts, dysfunction--and worst of all, fear of trying to break out of my shell again because I feel as if there's nothing over the wall.
My minor breakdowns have happened before in other ways, sabotaging my effort to break out of my shell and being an outcast. I know that it really shouldn't be happening and the OP illustrates the crux of the issue: as I person I feel empty, I have no security, and the littlest things defeat me.
Past few months I tried reaching out socially to people (a first for me).
Ended up being rejected by someone as a potential friend for not being good enough. I don't know what to do about my insecurities and I'm not sure how to improve my personality, or be the person the closest people to me bring out in me to everyone else. Feels like I'm empty despite having mostly great feedback...I want to be a vibrant, magical person but it feels like I'm not even close, nor ever will be, like I missed the train to grow into a really cool person. I have so few achievements in my life that if I do manage to come off or do something right, it feels purely accidental or arbitrary.
Yes. It's absurd. Really is. But in that moment I felt like nothing. Really, nothing. Still hurts, and it...it, well, it feels dysfunctional.
And keep in mind this happens almost each time...heartbroken to a (imagined or perceived) jab about: my appeal as a human being, my ability to try/do something, etc. All related to self-perceived worth.
Used to be a less sensitive, classically stalwart person annnnd then around 23 I begun meeting people, softening up...then, somehow, becoming extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Usually how things roll is the more life, the more bitterness but for some reason things were opposite for me. Good thing about me though is that I do have a strong will and there's barely anything that could hurt me...but then when it does, it kills me a little on the inside. :(
0-23, guys, I was a complete outcast. Speech delayed for many years, could barely string two words together while kids were playing and chatting and being friends with one another. People bullied me a lot and my family abused or neglected me...I only had one friend. I also suffered from health issues which, well. I actually conquered this past month fully, ended up being a condition related to asthma, extreme stress, and GI issues that I always had but thought all the pain was just "normal." So yeah. Of course I'm ready to move on!
So, this year I felt subhuman. I got sick of it, so I tried expanding my horizons and talking with some people (platonically)... Ended up vibing really well with a few girls and guys, even people that were used to knowing hundreds ending up taking a liking to me and choosing to spend more time with me (despite being a very ugly girl; they never mention this at least!)--saying I'm wonderfully unique, witty, intriguing, endearing, passionate. I even got to know a...yeah, this is crazy though it happened, a famous writer that often bounces ideas off of me or discusses really meaningful things with me, and thinks I'm a fascinating outlier of a person. I also got the coolest best friend ever...the first time I experience happiness was with them.
Then one came along...the red flags shoulda been up way earlier because the first things he opened with were pretty questionable. Plus there were quite a bit of misunderstandings, him being contrarian for fun--not a bad thing though he kept on trying the same angle which was stressful for me.
Theeen it came around that he dumped the bomb (after I said I wasn't into talking about a certain uncomfortable topic) that he "couldn't be bothered" and the "vibe wasn't right". Keep in mind by then we had been talking for a few days, a lot earlier that day. That the small talk wasn't even interesting, etc. (which was odd because everyone else I ever talked to says I have no patience for any small/not real talk, or that things even get deep/surreal quickly).
He was abrupt and just, dismissive about it, really wanting me to leave.
Awhile afterwards the anxiety made me have a asthma attack when I was alone and felt like crying...
Isn't just with him. It's...well, every once in a while something will string. And it'd be 95% of the time my paranoia...yeah, I'm that sensitive. The good input just fell off me in that moment. The "vibe" because my personality wasn't up to par. I value everyone's opinion equally, unfortunately...
I'm not as ok as I thought I was. Made me feel like a dead fish. And honestly, I still struggle with being a vibrant person irl (in most people's eyes)--I'm getting better but it was quite depressing. If the person isn't at least a bit outgoing, I tend to struggle with communications or even being interesting at all, though with the right person, I can actually be a very interesting person. All perspective, but there's a big issue because a huge part of it is me being unable to manifest the things I want to with most people--I get boring or too stiff, I shut down.
Two of my friends did say I have this amazing resilience and power within me despite my past.
TL;DR: Don't know how to deal with not being good enough, not up to my own expectations (they're very high personality wise) despite getting amazing feedback from people who've known me from a while, and how to stop having this absurd overreaction whenever things go south--I SWTG, there's only so many times this can happen because it honestly makes me scared to try more. However, imo...it's not so much an issue of "thick skin." It's just that genuinely I have no form to myself as a person in my eyes. No defenses, armor..it makes me extremely vulnerable where my insecurities are concerned.
I want to be more fun...eclectic...deep. A magical person (without getting absurd/unrealistic), but I know I'm not there yet, and sometimes...it feels like my "frame" just isn't good enough to bare a person like that. I'm not sure how to fully build myself up.
Yes. It's absurd. Really is. But in that moment I felt like nothing. Really, nothing. Still hurts, and it...it, well, it feels dysfunctional.
And keep in mind this happens almost each time...heartbroken to a (imagined or perceived) jab about: my appeal as a human being, my ability to try/do something, etc. All related to self-perceived worth.
Used to be a less sensitive, classically stalwart person annnnd then around 23 I begun meeting people, softening up...then, somehow, becoming extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Usually how things roll is the more life, the more bitterness but for some reason things were opposite for me. Good thing about me though is that I do have a strong will and there's barely anything that could hurt me...but then when it does, it kills me a little on the inside. :(
0-23, guys, I was a complete outcast. Speech delayed for many years, could barely string two words together while kids were playing and chatting and being friends with one another. People bullied me a lot and my family abused or neglected me...I only had one friend. I also suffered from health issues which, well. I actually conquered this past month fully, ended up being a condition related to asthma, extreme stress, and GI issues that I always had but thought all the pain was just "normal." So yeah. Of course I'm ready to move on!
So, this year I felt subhuman. I got sick of it, so I tried expanding my horizons and talking with some people (platonically)... Ended up vibing really well with a few girls and guys, even people that were used to knowing hundreds ending up taking a liking to me and choosing to spend more time with me (despite being a very ugly girl; they never mention this at least!)--saying I'm wonderfully unique, witty, intriguing, endearing, passionate. I even got to know a...yeah, this is crazy though it happened, a famous writer that often bounces ideas off of me or discusses really meaningful things with me, and thinks I'm a fascinating outlier of a person. I also got the coolest best friend ever...the first time I experience happiness was with them.
Then one came along...the red flags shoulda been up way earlier because the first things he opened with were pretty questionable. Plus there were quite a bit of misunderstandings, him being contrarian for fun--not a bad thing though he kept on trying the same angle which was stressful for me.
Theeen it came around that he dumped the bomb (after I said I wasn't into talking about a certain uncomfortable topic) that he "couldn't be bothered" and the "vibe wasn't right". Keep in mind by then we had been talking for a few days, a lot earlier that day. That the small talk wasn't even interesting, etc. (which was odd because everyone else I ever talked to says I have no patience for any small/not real talk, or that things even get deep/surreal quickly).
He was abrupt and just, dismissive about it, really wanting me to leave.
Awhile afterwards the anxiety made me have a asthma attack when I was alone and felt like crying...
Isn't just with him. It's...well, every once in a while something will string. And it'd be 95% of the time my paranoia...yeah, I'm that sensitive. The good input just fell off me in that moment. The "vibe" because my personality wasn't up to par. I value everyone's opinion equally, unfortunately...
I'm not as ok as I thought I was. Made me feel like a dead fish. And honestly, I still struggle with being a vibrant person irl (in most people's eyes)--I'm getting better but it was quite depressing. If the person isn't at least a bit outgoing, I tend to struggle with communications or even being interesting at all, though with the right person, I can actually be a very interesting person. All perspective, but there's a big issue because a huge part of it is me being unable to manifest the things I want to with most people--I get boring or too stiff, I shut down.
Two of my friends did say I have this amazing resilience and power within me despite my past.
TL;DR: Don't know how to deal with not being good enough, not up to my own expectations (they're very high personality wise) despite getting amazing feedback from people who've known me from a while, and how to stop having this absurd overreaction whenever things go south--I SWTG, there's only so many times this can happen because it honestly makes me scared to try more. However, imo...it's not so much an issue of "thick skin." It's just that genuinely I have no form to myself as a person in my eyes. No defenses, armor..it makes me extremely vulnerable where my insecurities are concerned.
I want to be more fun...eclectic...deep. A magical person (without getting absurd/unrealistic), but I know I'm not there yet, and sometimes...it feels like my "frame" just isn't good enough to bare a person like that. I'm not sure how to fully build myself up.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, but Ask Metafilter isn't able to help with direct counseling. A more concrete / answerable question about how to find a therapist or appropriate qualified professional to help given your circumstances would be a more useful way forward. Please Contact us if you have questions. -- taz
Response by poster: Ok, more information...
Yeah I went into therapy. Ended up feeling worse about my looks (let's just say she told me that I was ugly a few weeks in and a lot more people gave me negative feedback about my face), far worse to briefly feeling suicidal, but I ended up picking myself up and moving on.
I can't afford therapy rn because I was academically disqualified due to my anxieties a few months back and my insurance taken away. I have no means to afford it.
This question isn't THAT relevant. Has to do with insecurity, sure, but right now I'm looking for another view on the matter of self-esteem and putting myself out there. My life's less of a trainwreck, I've managed to kinda reconcile being ugly, etc., I've done a bit of a good job.
posted by Wildernessy at 4:07 AM on September 29, 2018
Yeah I went into therapy. Ended up feeling worse about my looks (let's just say she told me that I was ugly a few weeks in and a lot more people gave me negative feedback about my face), far worse to briefly feeling suicidal, but I ended up picking myself up and moving on.
I can't afford therapy rn because I was academically disqualified due to my anxieties a few months back and my insurance taken away. I have no means to afford it.
This question isn't THAT relevant. Has to do with insecurity, sure, but right now I'm looking for another view on the matter of self-esteem and putting myself out there. My life's less of a trainwreck, I've managed to kinda reconcile being ugly, etc., I've done a bit of a good job.
posted by Wildernessy at 4:07 AM on September 29, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by penguin pie at 3:36 AM on September 29, 2018 [1 favorite]