Visit from someone who has feelings for the SO
February 26, 2018 9:34 PM Subscribe
So in a couple of days we're going to have a visit from an old friend of my partner's, and she just confessed to having had feelings for him over this year. They reconnected after a long time last summer when we visited my partner's home-country, and I spent some time with her too. I have no insecurity about my partner's feelings for her or his commitment to me, and she is respectful of our relationship, but I'm uncomfortable...
—She's visiting from across the world; she won't be staying at our home but at a guesthouse nearby.
—My partner is a bit stupid and naive about this sort of thing. He had no idea about her feelings all this time while it was obvious to me. He doesn't think she's coming to see him, just to visit the interesting community we live in, but to me it's pretty obvious she's coming for him.
—She wanted to know about massages here; he was joking with her about a masseuse friend of ours who is single, when she wrote by message about the very few men she has been 'sensitive to' recently, one of them being him. In her message she calls him 'almost married', and there's no indication of expecting anything from him.
—He hasn't replied to this message yet—he would have waited for her to come and just spoken in person, but I'd sort of like to make things absolutely clear beforehand, even perhaps to tell her that if she's coming with this sort of feeling still alive in her that it won't be a very comfortable situation for me.
—Since the summer she has been messaging him ALL the time telling him every detail of her emotions and love life. He hasn't reciprocated by sharing any intimacy on his side, he's just responded to her messages kindly, not pushing her away, but sometimes in just a few words. If it were me in his place I would have pushed her away a little bit and not made her so comfortable in her over-sharing. My partner has the tendency to want to make everyone feel comfortable and good and at ease though, which is not a bad thing :-)
—In the summer I spent one day with her alone, we went for a walk together, talked, etc... and even though she was very nice to me, I came out of it with a bad feeling. Without any intention to be mean I think she ended up trying to show me she knew my partner better than me, and it wasn't very comfortable. She is subtle and respectful, but to me her seeking attention from my partner is very clear, and I don't like it :-/
—Also, she's coming the day before his birthday! I'm not sure she would even know that it's his birthday, so we could just not tell her and tell her we're busy that day—I feel a bit mean about this, but I'm REALLY not keen on having her part of that day.
I guess I'm being a bit stupid, but I just have a lot of stress and hard emotions about this situation. I would much rather she didn't visit but it's too late for that. I feel like I'm always going to be tense and on the watch for her trying to seek too much attention from him or have an intimate talk in private.
Please advise :-)
—She's visiting from across the world; she won't be staying at our home but at a guesthouse nearby.
—My partner is a bit stupid and naive about this sort of thing. He had no idea about her feelings all this time while it was obvious to me. He doesn't think she's coming to see him, just to visit the interesting community we live in, but to me it's pretty obvious she's coming for him.
—She wanted to know about massages here; he was joking with her about a masseuse friend of ours who is single, when she wrote by message about the very few men she has been 'sensitive to' recently, one of them being him. In her message she calls him 'almost married', and there's no indication of expecting anything from him.
—He hasn't replied to this message yet—he would have waited for her to come and just spoken in person, but I'd sort of like to make things absolutely clear beforehand, even perhaps to tell her that if she's coming with this sort of feeling still alive in her that it won't be a very comfortable situation for me.
—Since the summer she has been messaging him ALL the time telling him every detail of her emotions and love life. He hasn't reciprocated by sharing any intimacy on his side, he's just responded to her messages kindly, not pushing her away, but sometimes in just a few words. If it were me in his place I would have pushed her away a little bit and not made her so comfortable in her over-sharing. My partner has the tendency to want to make everyone feel comfortable and good and at ease though, which is not a bad thing :-)
—In the summer I spent one day with her alone, we went for a walk together, talked, etc... and even though she was very nice to me, I came out of it with a bad feeling. Without any intention to be mean I think she ended up trying to show me she knew my partner better than me, and it wasn't very comfortable. She is subtle and respectful, but to me her seeking attention from my partner is very clear, and I don't like it :-/
—Also, she's coming the day before his birthday! I'm not sure she would even know that it's his birthday, so we could just not tell her and tell her we're busy that day—I feel a bit mean about this, but I'm REALLY not keen on having her part of that day.
I guess I'm being a bit stupid, but I just have a lot of stress and hard emotions about this situation. I would much rather she didn't visit but it's too late for that. I feel like I'm always going to be tense and on the watch for her trying to seek too much attention from him or have an intimate talk in private.
Please advise :-)
This post was deleted for the following reason: OP says it turned out to be a misunderstanding -- taz
... she is respectful of our relationship
Confessing feelings to someone in a monogomous marriage is super disrespectful, and I would be concerned that your husband hasn’t pulled away, too— good friend or not. Have you spoken to him directly about how her boundary crossing makes you uncomfortable? You guys are entitled to opposite sex friends, but this is different.
posted by jessca84 at 10:35 PM on February 26, 2018 [25 favorites]
Confessing feelings to someone in a monogomous marriage is super disrespectful, and I would be concerned that your husband hasn’t pulled away, too— good friend or not. Have you spoken to him directly about how her boundary crossing makes you uncomfortable? You guys are entitled to opposite sex friends, but this is different.
posted by jessca84 at 10:35 PM on February 26, 2018 [25 favorites]
This has all the red flags and should probably be very firmly shut down by both of you.
If he refuses, that's another red flag. It's not naive at that point, it's appreciating the attention.
posted by stormyteal at 10:38 PM on February 26, 2018 [10 favorites]
If he refuses, that's another red flag. It's not naive at that point, it's appreciating the attention.
posted by stormyteal at 10:38 PM on February 26, 2018 [10 favorites]
Whatever you do, definitely don't spend his bday with her- and make it clear to him today that that's non-negotiable for you.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:44 PM on February 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:44 PM on February 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
This whole thing would be a hard NO from me and I'm usually not at all one to care much about crushes and the like. She's obviously coming to try and steal him away and you and he need to discuss this and he needs to tell you how he's going to handle it. I mean, it's not his fault she's kind of a stalker but he needs to handle it. And best to do so before she show up on your doorstep.
posted by fshgrl at 10:45 PM on February 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 10:45 PM on February 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
"Have you spoken to him directly about how her boundary crossing makes you uncomfortable?"
It sounds like you guys are young? Even so, you really should not have to tell him directly because it is obvious unless you grew up bubble wrapped with zero life experience that allowing another woman to flirt with you is hurtful to your partner. Full stop.
He's been leading her on for over six months. SIX MONTHS. He couldn't tell her to buzz off from far away, he's not going to tell her to leave him alone in person during her visit.
I have to revise my answer based on the fact that you will likely spend waaaaay too much time/effort convincing your (soon to be ex) boyfriend to end this farce immediately. If you talk to him and he makes excuses or flip flops... Take a few days to digest that this lady is doing you a favor, then dump him. Fighting for your man is so last century. It's 2018. You don't need someone who doesn't put you first.
posted by jbenben at 10:54 PM on February 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you guys are young? Even so, you really should not have to tell him directly because it is obvious unless you grew up bubble wrapped with zero life experience that allowing another woman to flirt with you is hurtful to your partner. Full stop.
He's been leading her on for over six months. SIX MONTHS. He couldn't tell her to buzz off from far away, he's not going to tell her to leave him alone in person during her visit.
I have to revise my answer based on the fact that you will likely spend waaaaay too much time/effort convincing your (soon to be ex) boyfriend to end this farce immediately. If you talk to him and he makes excuses or flip flops... Take a few days to digest that this lady is doing you a favor, then dump him. Fighting for your man is so last century. It's 2018. You don't need someone who doesn't put you first.
posted by jbenben at 10:54 PM on February 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
She is anything but respectful of your relationship. She is sending out feelers to see if he is into her and so far your boyfriend has only sent out positive signals back but not strongly shutting this down. Your gut is telling you something.
I think it is within reason to ask your boyfriend to make himself unavailable while she is in town. If he wants to see her, he is only fostering her developing feelings.
posted by Blissful at 11:06 PM on February 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
I think it is within reason to ask your boyfriend to make himself unavailable while she is in town. If he wants to see her, he is only fostering her developing feelings.
posted by Blissful at 11:06 PM on February 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
Confessing feelings to someone in a monogomous marriage is super disrespectful
Yes, anyone who realized that they were developing feelings for someone in a monogamous relationship and respected that relationship would pull way back, not double down by telling the person.
It's possible that you guys are still at the age when you think it's a great idea to blurt out everything that comes into your head romantically. It's not. And that means you are still at the age where you can't have friendly social relations with exes, because nobody has any ability to exercise self-restraint and disregard inappropriate impulses. Both the ex and your boyfriend may be bumbling around like William Macy in Fargo, refusing to admit the obvious consequences of their choices, but now you know. Frankly, I don't think someone so immature is worth keeping--he's definitely not worth fighting for. Tell him once what you expect (and it shouldn't be more than one coffee with you present). If he doesn't make reasonable efforts to accommodate your requests, then, whether consciously or unconsciously, he's enjoying the attention and isn't fully committed to you.
Ordinarily, it's good if you can maintain cordial relations with exes, and it's best not to try to interfere with your partner's relations with their exes. But this is not a universal rule. Someone who openly expresses feelings for the partnered person is an exception.
posted by praemunire at 11:07 PM on February 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
Yes, anyone who realized that they were developing feelings for someone in a monogamous relationship and respected that relationship would pull way back, not double down by telling the person.
It's possible that you guys are still at the age when you think it's a great idea to blurt out everything that comes into your head romantically. It's not. And that means you are still at the age where you can't have friendly social relations with exes, because nobody has any ability to exercise self-restraint and disregard inappropriate impulses. Both the ex and your boyfriend may be bumbling around like William Macy in Fargo, refusing to admit the obvious consequences of their choices, but now you know. Frankly, I don't think someone so immature is worth keeping--he's definitely not worth fighting for. Tell him once what you expect (and it shouldn't be more than one coffee with you present). If he doesn't make reasonable efforts to accommodate your requests, then, whether consciously or unconsciously, he's enjoying the attention and isn't fully committed to you.
Ordinarily, it's good if you can maintain cordial relations with exes, and it's best not to try to interfere with your partner's relations with their exes. But this is not a universal rule. Someone who openly expresses feelings for the partnered person is an exception.
posted by praemunire at 11:07 PM on February 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
You're being way too nice! And he's not asserting boundaries.
He needs to tell her they can't meet up when she's here. Because something came up. Sorry! But, she came for other reasons, right? Right. So then it's totally ok.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:31 PM on February 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
He needs to tell her they can't meet up when she's here. Because something came up. Sorry! But, she came for other reasons, right? Right. So then it's totally ok.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:31 PM on February 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don't think your partner is stupid or naive, he enjoys the attention. How could he be either when she has blatantly told him she has feelings for him?
So. It's time for the come to Jesus chat. Sit him down and ask him flat out if he likes her back. Does he want to be with her? If the answer is yes, well you know what to do.
If the answer is of course not, tell your partner that this woman is jeopardising what you two have and for the sake of everyone involved, he needs to send her an extremely clear message/email/whatever leaving no doubt that he is not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with her. (Not that he's with right you now and that's why he's not interested, that will just convince her if she breaks you two up, it's on.) He's not interested. Full stop. And you want to see the message.
If he blusters or gives excuses or in any way indicates he won't be doing this, this is not the guy for you, he loves the attention, he's probably been encouraging it and they can have each other. But you need to lay all your cards on the table and make it known you're not going to put up with this anymore.
posted by Jubey at 11:33 PM on February 26, 2018 [8 favorites]
So. It's time for the come to Jesus chat. Sit him down and ask him flat out if he likes her back. Does he want to be with her? If the answer is yes, well you know what to do.
If the answer is of course not, tell your partner that this woman is jeopardising what you two have and for the sake of everyone involved, he needs to send her an extremely clear message/email/whatever leaving no doubt that he is not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with her. (Not that he's with right you now and that's why he's not interested, that will just convince her if she breaks you two up, it's on.) He's not interested. Full stop. And you want to see the message.
If he blusters or gives excuses or in any way indicates he won't be doing this, this is not the guy for you, he loves the attention, he's probably been encouraging it and they can have each other. But you need to lay all your cards on the table and make it known you're not going to put up with this anymore.
posted by Jubey at 11:33 PM on February 26, 2018 [8 favorites]
She's being pretty icky and disrespectful. At the very least, she's wallowing in her feelings of ennui and nurturing her infatuation which is super unhealthy.
He could treat her as if she's just 'passing through town' (shouldn't be a problem since that's what he thinks she's doing right?) and offer just 1 meet up that includes your company. It should be brief and casual, like a coffee. No drinks, no dinner. End it with, "Well hope you have a fab time in town! Be sure to check out that exhibit and have a safe trip home."
Does that feel harsh? Only because she's expecting more, and it's a problem she's expecting more. She needs to move on and if she needs a gentle boot don't feel guilty about setting up appropriate boundaries.
She might follow up with messages to make him feel guilty but he's just gonna have to say you guys are super busy but it was nice seeing her and maybe next time.
She might cry and re-evaluate wtf she's doing with her life and you know what, good, it's about time she underwent some hard introspection.
Your partner needs to step up to the plate. I get that he wants to be the nice guy, but he can't treat her with kid gloves and at the same time make you feel bad/uncomfortable. That's not cool.
(Don't use your birthday as an excuse, she'll wheedle her way to an invite I'm sure of it.)
posted by like_neon at 1:57 AM on February 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
He could treat her as if she's just 'passing through town' (shouldn't be a problem since that's what he thinks she's doing right?) and offer just 1 meet up that includes your company. It should be brief and casual, like a coffee. No drinks, no dinner. End it with, "Well hope you have a fab time in town! Be sure to check out that exhibit and have a safe trip home."
Does that feel harsh? Only because she's expecting more, and it's a problem she's expecting more. She needs to move on and if she needs a gentle boot don't feel guilty about setting up appropriate boundaries.
She might follow up with messages to make him feel guilty but he's just gonna have to say you guys are super busy but it was nice seeing her and maybe next time.
She might cry and re-evaluate wtf she's doing with her life and you know what, good, it's about time she underwent some hard introspection.
Your partner needs to step up to the plate. I get that he wants to be the nice guy, but he can't treat her with kid gloves and at the same time make you feel bad/uncomfortable. That's not cool.
(Don't use your birthday as an excuse, she'll wheedle her way to an invite I'm sure of it.)
posted by like_neon at 1:57 AM on February 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
He hasn't reciprocated by sharing any intimacy on his side, he's just responded to her messages kindly, not pushing her away, but sometimes in just a few words. If it were me in his place I would have pushed her away a little bit and not made her so comfortable in her over-sharing. My partner has the tendency to want to make everyone feel comfortable and good and at ease though, which is not a bad thing :-)
I agree this is likely because he's a kind person (and that is overall a good thing) but I think it might be worth emphasising that sometimes this kind of behaviour isn't actually kind. Too much gentle responsiveness (even if not reciprocating her tone or level of intimacy) can keep hope alive, especially in someone who for whatever reason is really desperate for their feelings to be reciprocated. She keeps messaging because she's getting something out of it that thing is likely hope that he feels something for her and/or that there is potential for more in the future.
It would be kinder to firmly cut her off, either by going no contact completely or by setting a clear boundary that this level of sharing isn't appropriate and their contact should be more on a casual friend level. This would give her the chance to move on with her life (and she clearly won't manage to do that while engaging in this behaviour).
(I'm not suggesting this is the case with your partner but I have known men in the past keep this kind of thing going as an ego boost - "I can't stop being there for her because she needs me" to the serious detriment of both their actual relationship and the person receiving the "support".)
posted by *becca* at 4:13 AM on February 27, 2018
I agree this is likely because he's a kind person (and that is overall a good thing) but I think it might be worth emphasising that sometimes this kind of behaviour isn't actually kind. Too much gentle responsiveness (even if not reciprocating her tone or level of intimacy) can keep hope alive, especially in someone who for whatever reason is really desperate for their feelings to be reciprocated. She keeps messaging because she's getting something out of it that thing is likely hope that he feels something for her and/or that there is potential for more in the future.
It would be kinder to firmly cut her off, either by going no contact completely or by setting a clear boundary that this level of sharing isn't appropriate and their contact should be more on a casual friend level. This would give her the chance to move on with her life (and she clearly won't manage to do that while engaging in this behaviour).
(I'm not suggesting this is the case with your partner but I have known men in the past keep this kind of thing going as an ego boost - "I can't stop being there for her because she needs me" to the serious detriment of both their actual relationship and the person receiving the "support".)
posted by *becca* at 4:13 AM on February 27, 2018
How much have you talked directly with your partner about this? Because, uh, I could sort of see myself being like your partner while assuming that because my partner knew that I was totally uninterested in this person it wouldn't actually bother my partner.
Maybe decide what your preferred outcome would be (not see her at all? only see her on X day? only see her together with your boyfriend?) and have a talk with him to see how he responds - it may well be possible that he doesn't really get how important this is to you.
Also, I feel like there's a certain amount of onsite judgement involved in these situations - back when all the world was young, I observed similar situations which ranged from "I am actually visiting here because I sincerely hope to break you guys up" to "I have this dumb crush and no ability to keep my mouth shut but I just want some attention". If it's the latter, a good clear "welp, nice to see you, I'm so happy with like_neon, isn't she great, we're going out for my birthday tomorrow, see you on Tuesday for happy hour!" may sort things out.
posted by Frowner at 4:17 AM on February 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Maybe decide what your preferred outcome would be (not see her at all? only see her on X day? only see her together with your boyfriend?) and have a talk with him to see how he responds - it may well be possible that he doesn't really get how important this is to you.
Also, I feel like there's a certain amount of onsite judgement involved in these situations - back when all the world was young, I observed similar situations which ranged from "I am actually visiting here because I sincerely hope to break you guys up" to "I have this dumb crush and no ability to keep my mouth shut but I just want some attention". If it's the latter, a good clear "welp, nice to see you, I'm so happy with like_neon, isn't she great, we're going out for my birthday tomorrow, see you on Tuesday for happy hour!" may sort things out.
posted by Frowner at 4:17 AM on February 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
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Your boyfriend is also a Grade A Fuck-Up. Being a doormat is not a good enough reason to let someone like this woman who is 100% a tsunami of relationship trouble anywhere near your relationship. Who has that kind of time?
I dunno. I would not want to spend all of this energy focused on an interloper, but the guy you trust is fine with it. What do you want to do? He apparently doesn't realize how shitty and dangerous this is. It will 1000% guaranteed end in drama, pain, and tears all around.
You guys should leave town and be gone the entire time she is visiting. If he won't leave town or tell her not to come, you are in a relationship with a drama-magnet. This one is so crystal clear that you should not accept excuses. RUN.
posted by jbenben at 10:33 PM on February 26, 2018 [6 favorites]