Celebrity-Lite likes me, but I have a new BF. Checking in feelings?

February 4, 2018 4:01 PM

Hello, This is pretty surreal, but I don't know where to go and need to remain anonymous. In the last 2 wks, a B-list celebrity has taken a huge interest as he got to know me on social media. He's a very good-looking man (like 9-10), very financially well-off (inc. TWO huge houses), is on TV, a best-selling book, and much of mainstream Hollywood knows him. I knew about him years ago when he started out and was always attracted, was interested in his life. But I've obv never lived my life as a celebrity or been in those circles. He appears to be a kind, sharp, focused/driven, fun person to be with. However, I've noticed he's also very controlling and seems to have some deep codependency + maybe Narcissism issues (as most celebs do...).

But because I had stood up to him on an issue and wrote him a nasty letter about a questionable charge when I bought something from his company... he's now interested, and been 'baiting' or intriguing me on ALL his Fan pages (yes, plural) on social media sites to interact w/ him. My GF told me I should try to "get to know him" since obviously I'm intrigued or still fascinated/attracted to him. But then this celebrity, has in the last 4 days started posting things that are suggesting me to break off w/ the guy I'm dating (as the celeb has stalked MY social media). I was rather pissed he did that and stopped interacting w/ him on all his pages/unliked them, then blocked him as much as I can. ALL that he's posting now are about dating, trying to find "the one" and love stuff to try to phish at me. Yes, the celeb even alluded to me being the "forever" one. Scary. It's driving me nuts b/c I am indeed attracted to him for all that I've mentioned.

So... I *know* the answer is.. I need to avoid and keep sober from this celeb, right? Just like any other crazy guy out there? The problem is.. the normal guy I'm dating.. I'm he's been sweet to me, he has a good character, he makes me laugh so much, I'm attracted to him (he's like a 7-8), and we get on very well in the bedroom... But he has somewhat a drinking issue, has a lower-paying job and is currently couch surfing while he's looking for a place. *However,* I feel b/c the celeb has shown his true character by trying to get me to cheat or break off w/ my guy –- I feel he's SOOO not worth it. Am I right?

The other thing is, I have NO desire to be in the entertainment limelight, as I've dated 2 quasi-celebrities before and they're just a mess of envious people, inflated egos/low self-esteem and flaunting statuses or connections. When I was younger, I wanted it... so it still intrigues me, yet I know it's downsides. Lastly... while I believe I'm attractive, I also have a major disability and know this celeb's fan base would annihilate me and/or I would have a very hard time w/ women coming on him all the time (as they currently do)... So it would be even worse b/c of my condition.

Would it be true that I wouldn't be able to even be *friends* with this guy? I wondered if that may be an option... but b/c he's trying so hard to date me now, that it would be impossible to stay as friends w/ him, correct?

I do sadly think... most women would do the selfish thing, drop everything and go for the celeb like on his Fan pages for the financial and status reasons alone. I feel tragic like I'm giving up a "Cinderella dream," as I know my parents would be *thrilled* w/ him (my brother is a self-made millionaire so my family stupidly loves money, status + riches)... while I know they're not too impressed w/ my current guy. I am at the same time trying to get a new job, find a new place for myself and have wazoo of student loan debt, so I didn't even think I'd be dating.. but here I am. I am trying to make things work with my current guy as I do love and care about him a great deal.

If anyone has any insights on this, on the entertainment industry, on money, on dating/marrying celebrities, on dating/marrying for money, status, wealth (or not marrying for money, status, wealth), on dating/marrying for love, I'd really appreciate hearing from you. Again, I grew up with a family who loved money and status (and still do). Apologies for the length of this post. Thank you for reading.

posted by sam3cat to Human Relations (33 answers total)

This guy sounds like a horrifying shitbird, taunting and flirting with you for kicks. Can you imagine having a relationship with him that feels equitable, respectful, and kind in the long run? Can you (even) imagine dating him short-term and having it not end in a trashfire? Guys like this--who push boundaries and manipulate from the very beginning--never get better, and likely get worse almost immediately. Don't date him. Don't "stay" friends with him. You're not friends with him now; you're a temporary amusement for as long as you take the bait. And finally, don't think of this as an either/or choice between your current boyfriend and this creep who, you already know, wouldn't hesitate to sicc his hoards of social media followers on you for your disability or whatever other bullshit reason including your being female. If your current boyfriend isn't a kind and thoughtful partner and responsible adult you can see committing a long stretch of your future with, be single.
posted by tapir-whorf at 4:08 PM on February 4, 2018 [26 favorites]

Stay away from him. He's shown you who he is already. Plus...you're already dating someone else.
posted by barnoley at 4:10 PM on February 4, 2018 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you - Sorry, I should mention - the celeb does NOT know I have a disability (you can't see it from the headshot). He's seen my headshot... and after that, he just went in for the kill.
posted by sam3cat at 4:11 PM on February 4, 2018

Block him everywhere.
posted by roger ackroyd at 4:12 PM on February 4, 2018 [21 favorites]

I think your expectations may be a little high regarding marrying this guy for his money and status. Guys like this like to win/can't stand to lose, they don't like to stay. You'd likely never even get the chance for your parents to tell their friends about it before he's scored his point and moved on. If he dunks you hard enough, their friends might hear about it anyway.

I'm not saying you need to walk through the world a bitter cynic, but you're being pretty gullible here. There's a ton of reasons here to try therapy for a while, and you should stay with or break up with your current boyfriend based on whether you like him and want to be with him and like who you are in the relationship, or consider that any relationship you'd consider ditching because you've been negged by some douche is maybe not a terribly strong relationship, but no, you should not cancel any plans in order to marry this guy.

You may want to consider dropping your friend, too, and anybody else who encourages you to walk through the world rating people based on their physical attractiveness. Maybe this is a wakeup call to your soul?
posted by Lyn Never at 4:16 PM on February 4, 2018 [52 favorites]

I am at the same time trying to get a new job, find a new place for myself and have wazoo of student loan debt, so I didn't even think I'd be dating.. but here I am. I am trying to make things work with my current guy as I do love and care about him a great deal.

If anyone has any insights on this, on the entertainment industry, on money, on dating/marrying celebrities, on dating/marrying for money, status, wealth (or not marrying for money, status, wealth), on dating/marrying for love, I'd really appreciate hearing from you. Again, I grew up with a family who loved money and status (and still do).

I think you are fixating on the idea that this man may be interested in you (to the point of assuming he's subtweeting you when, because he's a sleaze, he probably has interactions like this with multiple women at a time) because he represents the things your family values at a time when your life is difficult, plus it's flattering to be "chosen" in this way. All of that makes you...a normal human.

I think you should stay away from his social media entirely and dial back on social media and the Internet generally. Do stuff that affirms your self-worth in the physical world. Do it with other normal people. Forget about this weird Twitter celebrity man.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 4:22 PM on February 4, 2018 [9 favorites]

you've never even met him? dating/marriage is not on offer. who cares if it would be a good idea or a cinderella story, it's not an actual option that you have. worry about that if you somehow meet him and get along with him (which you might as well find out, if you can, but I would not get my hopes up.)

guys who think they've fallen in love with an online stranger are about as common as guys who like to flirt and mess with online strangers with no serious intentions at all. doesn't matter which one he is, both kinds are jerks and neither needs to be taken seriously.

if he is posting general stuff about love and so forth on his public pages, please do not assume they are targeted at you or aimed at getting any kind of reaction from you unless he uses your name in them. it is a very bad direction to go in if you start scanning all his public words for covert messages to you unless it is actually confirmed, from him, that he does that, no guessing involved.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:22 PM on February 4, 2018 [16 favorites]

So it's not an either-or thing between this guy and your current boyfriend. In fact, when I find myself comparing two romantic interests like that, it means that neither are right for me.

Your instincts are good. Every time I've gotten together with a flashy guy like this it's just blown up my life and caused disaster. This person sounds like they're just going to wreak havoc on your life. If that sounds intriguing, or even worth it to you, you may want to ask yourself why that is.

You seem to be really worried about what other people think. Your romantic relationship involves you and another person behind a closed door. Your family is fairly immaterial in the grand scheme of your relationship. I understand that it's hard to date somebody that your parents don't approve of, and easier to date someone that your parents do approve of, but in terms of day-to-day life the amount of ease or difficulty provided by this is marginal. Who that person is and how you relate to them is a much bigger factor in your day-to-day life than whether or not your family approves.
posted by sockermom at 4:22 PM on February 4, 2018 [2 favorites]

Your only interactions with him are on social media—not the real world. There is no relationship here. Block him or don’t, break up with your current boyfriend and take a good deep look at why you’re spending so much time and energy building a fantasy.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:26 PM on February 4, 2018 [8 favorites]

Response by poster: @Lyn Never - I'm already a pretty bad cynic that it's pissed a lot of my friends away (and am in 12-step recovery for 10 yrs). I don't think this Celeb guy is lying that he's interested. But I DO believe he's codependent and controlling AF - then w/ his celebrity-dom, that is NOT something I want to get involved in.

I've dated around a lot. There is no such thing as a normal person, or normal relations, just IMO. I did mention that I care a lot about my current guy b/c he's very kind to me and makes me laugh a lot. I also believe, even w/ a disability, that attraction is a HUGE factor in who we ultimately wind up with – b/c I did date a nice-looking bloke for 7 yrs.. but I just didn't "feel" that same, dating up "get" thing with him as I do with this guy. And he's a younger gentleman, while I'm supposed to be more established... at my age. Thank you for your tips tho.
posted by sam3cat at 4:27 PM on February 4, 2018

PS - not only is it immaterial what other women might do in the scenario, but I can't think of a single woman that I know that pursue a celebrity who is baiting them on social media. That doesn't make you a bad person, but there are a lot of people in the world with lots of different values and deciding to go after this guy is not something everyone would do.
posted by sockermom at 4:27 PM on February 4, 2018 [8 favorites]

I do sadly think... most women would do the selfish thing, drop everything and go for the celeb like on his Fan pages for the financial and status reasons alone.

I once had an opportunity to run away with a cute funny celebrity musician you have heard of. I was dating someone else. So I didn’t. No regrets, even though my boyfriend at the time and I didn’t stay together much longer. I might have enjoyed the touring in terms of travel but I don’t think I’d’ve enjoyed much else. So there’s a sample size of one.

My life (so far) has not been materially rich-rich or celebrity-filled except for getting to interview many. I’m definitely not rich. And I’m 47 and I feel generally capable of making a living and have had so many great experiences. As I’m aging I don’t have to worry about the impact of wrinkles on my social media or my image, or whether my spouse is worried about the same. My self-worth is not wrapped up in being a celebrity wife. And my ability to make and save money is mine.

I would think really hard about your values here. If you crave marrying wealthy and celebrity then maybe this is a good move for you. Just remember you are falling for his PR, not him. But I would really think about what that actually looks like long-term, if it is more than a social media 30-second flirtation.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:30 PM on February 4, 2018 [7 favorites]

Regardless of what you think you've gleaned from social media, neither you nor I have any real insight into his character, but one thing I can tell you: he has fifty yous on a string. There is nothing special about you to him. If you don't respond, he'll be on to the next one in two seconds. Does that sound appealing to you?

Have you had a great deal of dating experience? I ask because an earlier AskMe says that you're thirty-eight, but this question reads like that of someone much much younger, someone who has not had a lot of experience seeing how surface turns into reality, someone who doesn't know when she's crossing the line between planning and fantasizing. If this is the case, it's an especially good reason not to get caught up in any drama with this guy.
posted by praemunire at 4:51 PM on February 4, 2018 [12 favorites]

Wait, you’re actually thinking that there’s a a serious possibility of your marrying this guy because of a couple things he posted on social media about marriage? And you’ve never met him?

I’m not trying to be unkind, but your question and follow ups are really, really...odd. You seem completely convinced that all that’s necessary for you to marry this guy is to decide you want to. Unless there’s some major point you’re leaving out, there’s precisely zero reason for you to believe that you’re ever even going to date this guy, much less marry him and live happily ever after. I understand that you’ve been in a 12-step program, but you need to get yourself into some actual one-on-one therapy to figure out what’s going on here, because it’s not healthy.
posted by holborne at 4:53 PM on February 4, 2018 [48 favorites]

I don't think social media is a very healthy place for you. You seem to have a history of thinking people use it to "bait" you or to post things that only you would find special significance in. Maybe this actually does happen to you a lot, or maybe it doesn't. Either way, you should think about taking a break from these sites.
posted by cakelite at 4:54 PM on February 4, 2018 [12 favorites]

I can't really tell from this question whether the guy has at any point spoken to you directly or used your name, or if you're picking up these impressions indirectly.

Either way, ignoring him seems like the only winning move here.
posted by eponym at 4:58 PM on February 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
posted by annsunny at 5:05 PM on February 4, 2018 [7 favorites]

I grew up with a family who loved money and status (and still do).

Seems pretty clear to me that you've taken some damage from that, and that now would be a good opportunity to reflect well on it and deliberately choose the path of least potential drama.

In general, it's poor policy to throw away something good for the sake of something shiny.
posted by flabdablet at 5:18 PM on February 4, 2018 [2 favorites]

The dude is a celebrity and a pretty crappy person, and even if he’s interested in banging you momentarily, he’s not going to date you or marry you, and even if he did, then you’d wind up married to a trash person whose fame is almost certainly going to be fleeting.

The dude from Soul Coughing called me hot once, and 16 years later I remain unmarried to him. He went on to call other people hot, however.

If you think this has a future, tell him you’re disabled and see what he does. You’ll get your answer in a heartbeat.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:20 PM on February 4, 2018 [7 favorites]

It sounds like you posted this question wanting validation to move forward with trying to forge a relationship with this celebrity. Your responses to not receiving this validation seem to indicate that that’s what you really want to do, in spite of the opinions that you requested that people share. So I guess that’s your answer. Good luck to you.
posted by bookmammal at 5:22 PM on February 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

Mod note: Several deleted; sam3cat, this isn't an appropriate way to engage with AskMe, and we've talked with you about it before. I'm going to give you a day off.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:24 PM on February 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

So, this happened to a woman I used to know — though the guy was more of a 5-6, more of a D-lister, and she had (a) behind-the-camera career aspirations in his field plus (b) no boyfriend. They even met in person a few times. For a minute, I cheered her on: dude didn’t seem glamourous enough to be vain, and he seemed truly interested in her work...and therefore her brain/personality, and therefore maybe her as a person, right? Can’t win if you don’t play.

Some sad patterns began to emerge. If he paid her the slightest little bit of attention, she was on a high akin to MDMA. If he didn’t pay her attention, or if he paid any attention to any other woman, she got depressed to the point of tweeting veiled suicide threats. I upped my talk-her-off-the-ledge efforts as I dialed back my cheerleading, but it seemed fruitless.

She no longer asked how I was, at all. She didn’t want to talk about anything except D-List Dude. As time went on, several things were becoming increasingly clear:

• Dude wasn’t into my friend That Way™️. He was into women closer to his fame level, and younger than my friend (even though she was already significantly younger than he)
• Dude wasn’t going to launch her career; even if he did believe in her, he just didn’t have that kind of power. Again: D-list.
• Friend started doing some really juvenile things, like ripping on Dude’s ex-wives and current girlfriends. The kind of stuff preteen Beatlemaniacs said about Linda McCartney...only we were in our mid-30s. I got uncomfortable with this, and she started to cool toward me.
• Dude became my friend’s new Religion Cult. If I pointed out that the cliched Millennial-bashing in his jokes was at odds with his inclination to sleep with millennials, I was bad. If I told her she deserved better than this pendulum-swing between schoolgirl giddiness and self-loathing, I was bad. If I said he wasn’t as funny as she was, I was dead to her. In fact, I still am dead to her.

I don’t know if D-List Dude was aware of the effect he was having on my friend, or if he had dozens of others just like her. I don’t know if she ever recovered; she wasn’t stupid, truly, she just had a blind spot in this one place and no one could illuminate it for her.

I share this cautionary tale because guys with outsize influence/fame can get under your skin in weird ways, even if you’re savvy and cynical about human nature. Please don’t let it happen to you.
posted by armeowda at 5:29 PM on February 4, 2018 [10 favorites]

Have you considered that it's not even the celebrity himself posting all of this but rather an assistant or the like? I have a lot of thoughts but that's the main thing that sticks out to me.

Regardless, please consider breaking up with your boyfriend because you clearly don't fully respect him. I feel like that's a separate issue here but you're conflating the two.

And, for heaven's sake, think about ditching the 1-10 scale for rating physical attractiveness. It's all relative and assigning numbers tends to be horribly objectifying at worst and super immature at best. We all deserve better, including you.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:09 PM on February 4, 2018 [15 favorites]

No disrespect intended- but, honestly, if your only interactions have been over social media, how do you even know for sure any of the posts/tweets/emails etc. actually came from him? It could be a staffer, or friend, or just some random hanger-on who knows his passwords or manages his social media etc. "catfishing" you for laffs. Protect yourself and don't make rash decisions based on so little verifiable information.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:11 PM on February 4, 2018 [2 favorites]

My question to you is: why is it so important to you that he is a ‘celeb’? You have mentioned it so many times that it seems like that might be something to investigate first. How does that change things for you? This sounds like something to figure out before anything.
posted by Vaike at 6:54 PM on February 4, 2018 [5 favorites]

Don't date the jerky celeb. Don't step things up with the dude with the drinking issue either though, at least until he fixes it. Make your own millions.
posted by miyabo at 7:02 PM on February 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

the normal guy I'm dating... he has somewhat a drinking issue, has a lower-paying job and is currently couch surfing while he's looking for a place

You know if you want to break up with someone you are dating you don't need to have someone else in mind to date first, right? It's OK to be single if the guy you are dating isn't right for you.

I feel tragic like I'm giving up a "Cinderella dream," as I know my parents would be *thrilled* w/ him (my brother is a self-made millionaire so my family stupidly loves money, status + riches)

That you would even consider dating a stalker just because they are a celebrity and have money indicates you parents aren't the only people here who love money/status. You say "stupidly", but lots of people like money and status, sometimes for very practical reasons -- and there are many people out there whose lives are very very different because of a grandparent or great grandparent marrying someone that was able to grant them money, status, citizenship, etc. -- people hope for a better life for themselves and their children (or they might have younger siblings in a tough situation or other family members they hope to help), so it's not an uncommon thing for people to desire.

The beginning of your question sounds like you want to know how to get rid of a stalker who has a lot of money and resources to use to track you down, and my reaction is "You are seriously thinking about DATING this guy!?"

But, it sounds like the money and status means a lot to you -- sure, as others have pointed out, this is a person you have never met and you might not end up dating, but that's not so different from many other people who meet online -- but obviously you do want to date him or you wouldn't have written this question. And at the end of the day, there's a lot of individual differences in what makes us attracted to someone, and the tradeoffs we are willing to make, and for most people their upbringing does have some influence on that. So while I myself would not be interested in dating such a person, and many others wouldn't, it sounds like this is what you want to do so you should go for it.
posted by yohko at 8:26 PM on February 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

Your IRL BF and the person you think might be flirting with you online are NOT at all the same or similar. These are 2 different concerns.

Re: Boyfriend - Stop dating him if he has a drinking problem and sleeps on couches. Unless you want him sleeping on your couch with a drinking problem sometime soon. The relationship is a dud.

Re: Online Guy - He is likely having (meanspirited?) fun stringing you along (and possibly doing it to others at the same time) or it's not even him posting and an assistant or publicist is winding you up for (meanspirited) fun. If this person is not in private contact with you inviting you on dates, there is zero none no chance this person is interested in dating you. This is not how people like that find dates or relationships. You are not friends. You are never going to date him. I'm sorry.
posted by jbenben at 8:39 PM on February 4, 2018 [5 favorites]

I wonder if you are hung up on this guy because he doesn't know about your disability and thus cannot be like the guys who are attracted because of it. I think you are in fantasyland here. There is no way to predict how he'll react when he finds out. Dating and marriage are definitely not a possibility when he doesn't even know.
posted by AFABulous at 8:52 PM on February 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

You need to talk to your 12 step sponsor about this since it is part and parcel of the program you're in, am I right? I am guessing you have not told her. Also why are you, an addict, dating someone with a possible active alcohol addiction? Are you going to meetings and talking about this stuff? I guess not because they would set you straight about this in a hurry. This dude's attention is a drug to you, pure and simple. I know exactly how this feels, and why you don't want to give it up, but you know from prior experience that you cannot control this. This is a relapse and maybe you are not recognizing that. If you don't want to tell your sponsor/the group then you are definitely having a relapse. You can get sober again, but not with either of these guys in your life.
posted by AFABulous at 9:14 PM on February 4, 2018 [13 favorites]

I think jbenben hit the nail on the head here with the one possibility you overlooked, especially considering that you've stated you wrote the man a nasty letter and called him out on something; If you're being specifically mentioned on social media in the absence of a real life connection and/or direct contact, then you're likely being trolled if anything, not courted.
AFABulous made an excellent point as well: is this perhaps an escapist fantasy to avoid dealing with the couch-surfing alcoholic you're partnered with currently?
posted by OnefortheLast at 9:52 PM on February 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hello, This is pretty surreal

Yes, it does seem surreal. I just want to throw this out there -- is there any chance that something is going on with your mental health?

Also, the question has echoes of past questions where you mention being stalked online, and a past alcoholic relationship. If you can afford therapy, it could help with all this stressful stuff.
posted by salvia at 10:02 PM on February 4, 2018 [8 favorites]

You say you've blocked him but clearly you haven't blocked him enough because you're still wrapped up in these posts. Do that now and mentally press reset, okay?

Nothing is ever going to happen with this guy, there is no "The One," and you need to stop putting any mental time or energy into this non-starter. Definitely stop psychoanalyzing a person by what is posted in their name on social media (you have zero idea if he's a narcissist or codependent).

I'm concerned about you and your question. Has this person has actually contacted you personally and made a connection where you have conversed and they told you to break up with your boyfriend, or are you interpreting signals based on social media?

If none of this is direct contact, then you need to pull back and assess what's going on in your head. You're assuming social media is about you personally and you need to check in with a therapist (or your sponsor) about this. I would bring them this AskMe.

If this is direct contact and you're being spoken to by name, it is pretty likely that one of his assistants is doing this, not him.

Assuming this is direct contact, you are making massive jumps in logic. You're wondering about marriage and how his fans would react to your presence as his companion, but you have not even met this person.

I hope you can see that just in and of itself, this question reads as fanciful and a bit delusional. I think with the help of a good therapist, you can see that and get yourself back on track.

I'm sure it feels that the responses you're getting here are harsh, but based on this and your previous question about being stalked online, you have a lot of internet strangers who are genuinely worried about your mental health.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:50 AM on February 5, 2018 [10 favorites]