Should I try to contact my ex-best friend again?

January 8, 2018 12:53 PM

One and a half year ago I tried to reconnect with my childhood ex-best friend. She doesn't have social media so I sent her a letter to her house one and a half year ago, and I didn't get a reply.

I don't know if I didn't get a reply because she doesn't want to reconnect or because the letter didn't arrive to her house, or because she and her family don't live in that house anymore, and now I don't know what to do. Should I try to contact her again or not?

We were best friends since we met in school, when we both were four years old.
She didn't connect very well with the rest of the girls in our class, but she connect very well with me (I'm a girl too).

She used to be a bossy person and since most of our classmates were bossy too, she didn't mix well with them, although she tried.

But in my case, I mixed well with her, and she mixed well with me, and although she was bossy with most people, she wasn't bossy with me, curiously enough. Our friendship was very balanced.

At first, we started to hang out with other two girls of our class. But she didn't like them, so when I went out with them she almost never wanted to come, but when it was only me and her, then she always wanted to meet and hang out. One of these two girls told me that she saw her in the street some months ago and she said "Hi" to my ex-best friend but she ignored her.

We used to call each other every day and we used to hang out together almost daily. We used to like the same things (sports, dancing, acting, etc) so we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together.

At the same time, she had a lot of problems at her home, with her mom, who had a mental disorder, and the few times I was in the same room with them I realized she treated her daughter (my ex-best friend) very bad, so I understood why my ex-best friend was a bossy person with almost everybody.

I also know she was afraid of losing her dad because she had heard many times that their parents wanted a divorce. Some years after losing contact with her, my parents told me that finally her parents got divorced. I lost contact with her when we were twelve years old, and their parents got divorced when she was fifteen.

I lost contact with her when we started high school, because we went to different high schools. The last time I saw her was after our first year in high school. I saw her during that summer vacation. We both stared at each other but we didn't say anything to each other. We were twelve years old and now we are twenty nine.

I never wanted to dump her, we lost contact because we went to different high schools, and when I was a teen I didn't know how to contact her again. I didn't know if it was the right thing. I also thought that she wanted to stop being friends with me because when we started high school, she didn't try to contact me either.

And now I don't know if she (or her family) still lives in the same house, and none of my other friends (who also knew her) know if she still lives there. I would like to reconnect but I don't want to force her, and since I didn't get a reply I don't know if I didn't get it because she doesn't want to reconnect or because she didn't receive my letter. Plus, I didn't write my postal address on the envelope because I wanted to give her a surprise (it was a mistake, I know it).

What should I do? Should I try to contact her again (in a better way) or not?

Thank you very much!

(Sorry if I've made mistakes, English is not my first language)

posted by DaphneG to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Write her again and put a return address on the envelope. If no reply again, I'd give up, on that address, at least.
posted by agregoli at 12:56 PM on January 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

I agree, try again and be sure to put a return address on the letter. That will give you at least some info to go by. If the letter comes back, you can try looking elsehwere. If it doesn’t come back, I’d let it go.
posted by rpfields at 1:02 PM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

Do you still live nearby? Could you try going to knock on the door and ask after her? Even if she and her family moved on, whoever lives there now might have a forwarding address.
posted by churlishmeg at 1:05 PM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think you should try again and include your own address this time - that way the letter can be returned to you if it is undeliverable.

I have lost a lot of friends in similar circumstances and while i don't particularly mind the losses, and haven't tried to reconnect with the friends as a result, I'd probably reply to a similar letter - even if we parted on bad terms.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:17 PM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I think it's fine to send another letter -- especially if you didn't include a return address last time! -- but I also wouldn't put high hopes on the letter getting to her. If your friend is now 29, she most likely would not live with her parents anymore, and over a decade of time + a divorce make me think it's unlikely that one of her parents lives in that house either. It sounds like the parents (or at least the mom) were maybe not the most stable anyway, and thus might not be too likely to pass along a letter even if they do still live there. So, send the letter if you would like to, but don't get your hopes up too much -- if you don't get a reply, the most likely explanation is that the friend simply didn't receive the letter rather than that she is harboring any continuing anger toward you.

The only other thing I can think to try (that doesn't verge into creepy like hiring a PI -- which seems way over the top for this situation!) would be to post something on FB or similar asking if anyone happens to know where the friend is living and/or has an email address. It sounds like maybe you've already done that, though, and didn't get any leads that way?
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:55 PM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

I lost touch with a friend like that. Best friend from high school, we had a low level falling out, I left for college, we fell out of touch. A year or so later I sent a letter, never heard back and thought that was the end of that. As it turns out, both he and his mom had moved away from that address and somehow the letter never made it back to me to let me know. We reconnected years later through friends on social media, and I'm happily back in touch with him and with his mom who has also become a great friend. So based on my N of one experience, it is worth one more try. Be sure to include an address/phone number that would let her reach you.
posted by goggie at 2:17 PM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

There are many "people finder" sites on the internet. Try those. They often show maiden names, in cases where the person has married and changed their name.

What came up when you searched on the internet for her name? Did you search on line at all?

She doesn't have social media -- It's not clear how you can be sure of this, since you're not in touch with her.

You could search social media for graduates of her high school. You could ask them if they have any information. You could contact her high school alumni association. Her high school may have a website or FB page where you could find alumni who might know her. High school alumni information always includes the person's maiden name (name when in high school), in case she has married and changed her name.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:27 PM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

What are your local city resources for finding out who lives in a place? I can do a pretty quick google search and confirm that various of my relatives and friends live in the town I know they live in (maybe it can't tell me their address but it can confirm they're still in town). I can use whitepages.com to look up who lives at an address or find an address to go with name and a town. I can go to the city assessor's office for my town and input an address to access online the sales records, and see who owns a property (not helpful if your friend's family were renters). Different places will of course have different record keeping, but you could maybe find out if your friend's family still lives in the house.

(note, I'm not advocating going full-on detective, finding their phone number so you can call them, asking current residents if they left a forwarding address, really digging in - just saying you can find out if they don't live there any more, so you won't send the letter.)
posted by aimedwander at 2:32 PM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

Plus, I didn't write my postal address on the envelope because I wanted to give her a surprise (it was a mistake, I know it).

The letter is the surprise, yes, but the envelope is part of that too. What information did you include for her to get a hold of you? Address, phone number?

It sounds like this was her childhood home? But her parents got divorced. It might be that none of her family lives there.

How do you know that she's not on social media?

Send another letter, with a return address, include as many ways to get a hold of you as you'd like. But definitely realize this address you had for her is possibly incorrect.
posted by RainyJay at 10:57 PM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

Try googling her name, parents names.
posted by yohko at 12:00 AM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]