Sister in law immature
December 18, 2017 9:49 PM Subscribe
https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-not-want-my-fiances-sisters-to-stay-with-us-for-3-months-for-holiday/
Hi
Please refer to the above post, 6 months ago I posted this above message, asking people for advice as to what to do. I have now married and my fiance’s sisters and mother has lived with us for 1 month and left to stay at his uncle’s place (they are staying with them for 2 months). They are all on tourist visas leaving in first week of Jan.
His older sister’s behaviour was the following: 1. The 1st week that she stayed with us, during the day time of one of the days, she went out for a walk and then did not come back. When I came back home from work, I asked my husband where she was and my husband said he did not know. Later she came back home around 10 pm, and apparently back in Ukraine she had joined RSVP Australia 6 months ago and she decided to meet up with a guy. She mentioned that this guy offered her to stay in his apartment and she though 2. From my understanding she has a boyfriend in Ukraine before she came to visit in Australia, and was even living with the boyfriend and his mother for a while. Apparently she did not break up with him. 3. I asked her what does the company she works for (doing translation) , what do they make or do, like what industry the company is in, she was not able to answer quickly, and seemed to not know or be unsure. This is strange as usually you would know what the company that you work for does. 4. She has been going out on weekend nights, and one night came back at 7 am in morning. I asked my husband where she could be going that late, that maybe she stayed overnight at a guys place. My husband said apparently she had met a girl who is also a tourist and they are going out together, but he did not know anything further. 5. She has expressed sentiment that she would love to live in Sydney. However the truth is, she is 28 and has not worked a day in her life, in a proper 9 – 5 job. She mentioned that she usually does not fall asleep until 3 am and cannot think of why someone would wake up so early at 7 am (when I mentioned I start work at 8 am and the Director I work for starts at 7.30am). Her current translator job is an after hours job e.g. from midnight to morning sometime, but not stable time periods. 6. From a sense of talking to her, she appears to be a fun loving girl who likes to go to travel, go to the beach etc, but with no actual goals in order to sustain a life. I cannot seem to see her working a 9 – 5 job as waitress or some lowly paid position, a slogging it through hard work. 7. Due to the high costs of living in Sydney and the highly expensive rent and house prices in Sydney, (in most suburbs (even the ones seen as ethnic ghettos), apartments are over $700 K – $1m and houses are usually $1.5 million.) I see little hope of an immigrant coming to Sydney with little ambition to survive in such environment. This would be different if she was very intellectual and enjoyed studying (which she does not), or at least if she was hard working and doesnt mind working hard jobs. It may also be different if she didnt mind marrying a sugar daddy who would pay for her to have an easy lifestyle however I dont think she is into that, as in I don’t see her dating some old man as she is into guys her age. 8. I feel like even if she is to find a guy here in sydney, once the honeymoon dating period is over, they would look at her and go, so she doesnt have a job or a visa etc and may change their minds. I have not discussed any of the above with her, and honestly do not know how to bring this up with her in a nice way. My main feeling is that for a 28 year old girl she is a bit immature, and feel like her immediate family , (i.e my husband and his uncle) do not talk to her about the realities of life in Sydney to her (they hardly talk at all) and she has in her head this fantasy world of Sydney and how nice it is (she has been going to beaches maybe 4-5 times a week while she is here). I feel like her business directly will affect my business and her future will directly affect mine. If she is an independent person making her own money and who was responsible and very knowledgeable of the requirement to work and survive and not living in a fantasy bubble , then it would be a different scenario, I would not care whom she dates, etc, if she is the type to be very studious, I would even encourage her to come here to find a job. However she is not and that is what is making me extremely anxious. If I was wealthy and had a couple of grand to spare I would not mind helping her out. However given the prices in Sydney being so high, I will need to start a family and have kids, which are going to cost money. I worked 2 jobs for 10 years and hardly had a Saturday off in years, so of course when my sister in law is completely the opposite, it gets me extremely annoyed. People who are lazy and freeloaders themselves usually dont mind others whom are freeloaders, but people who worked hard all their life usually may look upon this behaviour differently. By the way, my dad lost sight of an eye and is still working non stop till this day, both his sisters are not disabled yet havent worked a proper job in their whole life. Honestly I dont want to be judgmental as I usually give people the benefit of the doubt first, however compared to my own family , its hard for me to think up of more excuses for them. Furthermore, one thing that I am concerned about is that once I have a child, an excuse will be made for her to come and look after our child. While she is here it would give her an opportunity to then date and find a man. This was suggested for my husband’s uncle previously as he has a young child, however he didnt end up bringing her here initially. They only ended up coming due to our wedding. However she does not appear to be the babysitting type or cooking type as her mum does everything at home. Her decisions will affect me financially, as if she makes poor decisions, she may require us to bail her out , as her own parents cannot (due to lack of financial ability). Proper job – I am not prejudiced at all as to what that is, e.g. both my parents are laborers, and have even taken on second jobs as cleaners, to me thats fine. To me the main thing is at least have a job, as you shouldnt coast through life without one. However I believe, where she has no skills, she would still feel that a cleaner job would be beneath her, thats the kind of mentality she has. However if you feel a laboring job is beneath you, then at least go and put in some hard yards and study or make something of yourself in the field of white collar work, yet no, her mum gets her a job at an office and she quits and instead goes to China to be a ‘Karaoke girl’..aka ‘model’. In conversations with her, the following came up: 1. She asked about what the benefits were in Sydney, e.g. unemployment benefits etc. I mentioned that in Sydney, if you are able bodied and still receiving unemployment benefits, they will force you to go and find a job, or at least you have to be going and showing effort that you are finding one. This is the truth of the welfare system here, not as easy to get as in other countries. 2. We mentioned that the retirement age in Australia will be about 70 in the future, she was shocked it was so high. My parents have been very nice to his family, taking them out to restaurants and I gave tonnes of clothes to his sisters (dresses which havent been worn much). How do I bring this up to her, the fact that she is living in a fantasy bubble and should mature up, should I be direct?
His older sister’s behaviour was the following: 1. The 1st week that she stayed with us, during the day time of one of the days, she went out for a walk and then did not come back. When I came back home from work, I asked my husband where she was and my husband said he did not know. Later she came back home around 10 pm, and apparently back in Ukraine she had joined RSVP Australia 6 months ago and she decided to meet up with a guy. She mentioned that this guy offered her to stay in his apartment and she though 2. From my understanding she has a boyfriend in Ukraine before she came to visit in Australia, and was even living with the boyfriend and his mother for a while. Apparently she did not break up with him. 3. I asked her what does the company she works for (doing translation) , what do they make or do, like what industry the company is in, she was not able to answer quickly, and seemed to not know or be unsure. This is strange as usually you would know what the company that you work for does. 4. She has been going out on weekend nights, and one night came back at 7 am in morning. I asked my husband where she could be going that late, that maybe she stayed overnight at a guys place. My husband said apparently she had met a girl who is also a tourist and they are going out together, but he did not know anything further. 5. She has expressed sentiment that she would love to live in Sydney. However the truth is, she is 28 and has not worked a day in her life, in a proper 9 – 5 job. She mentioned that she usually does not fall asleep until 3 am and cannot think of why someone would wake up so early at 7 am (when I mentioned I start work at 8 am and the Director I work for starts at 7.30am). Her current translator job is an after hours job e.g. from midnight to morning sometime, but not stable time periods. 6. From a sense of talking to her, she appears to be a fun loving girl who likes to go to travel, go to the beach etc, but with no actual goals in order to sustain a life. I cannot seem to see her working a 9 – 5 job as waitress or some lowly paid position, a slogging it through hard work. 7. Due to the high costs of living in Sydney and the highly expensive rent and house prices in Sydney, (in most suburbs (even the ones seen as ethnic ghettos), apartments are over $700 K – $1m and houses are usually $1.5 million.) I see little hope of an immigrant coming to Sydney with little ambition to survive in such environment. This would be different if she was very intellectual and enjoyed studying (which she does not), or at least if she was hard working and doesnt mind working hard jobs. It may also be different if she didnt mind marrying a sugar daddy who would pay for her to have an easy lifestyle however I dont think she is into that, as in I don’t see her dating some old man as she is into guys her age. 8. I feel like even if she is to find a guy here in sydney, once the honeymoon dating period is over, they would look at her and go, so she doesnt have a job or a visa etc and may change their minds. I have not discussed any of the above with her, and honestly do not know how to bring this up with her in a nice way. My main feeling is that for a 28 year old girl she is a bit immature, and feel like her immediate family , (i.e my husband and his uncle) do not talk to her about the realities of life in Sydney to her (they hardly talk at all) and she has in her head this fantasy world of Sydney and how nice it is (she has been going to beaches maybe 4-5 times a week while she is here). I feel like her business directly will affect my business and her future will directly affect mine. If she is an independent person making her own money and who was responsible and very knowledgeable of the requirement to work and survive and not living in a fantasy bubble , then it would be a different scenario, I would not care whom she dates, etc, if she is the type to be very studious, I would even encourage her to come here to find a job. However she is not and that is what is making me extremely anxious. If I was wealthy and had a couple of grand to spare I would not mind helping her out. However given the prices in Sydney being so high, I will need to start a family and have kids, which are going to cost money. I worked 2 jobs for 10 years and hardly had a Saturday off in years, so of course when my sister in law is completely the opposite, it gets me extremely annoyed. People who are lazy and freeloaders themselves usually dont mind others whom are freeloaders, but people who worked hard all their life usually may look upon this behaviour differently. By the way, my dad lost sight of an eye and is still working non stop till this day, both his sisters are not disabled yet havent worked a proper job in their whole life. Honestly I dont want to be judgmental as I usually give people the benefit of the doubt first, however compared to my own family , its hard for me to think up of more excuses for them. Furthermore, one thing that I am concerned about is that once I have a child, an excuse will be made for her to come and look after our child. While she is here it would give her an opportunity to then date and find a man. This was suggested for my husband’s uncle previously as he has a young child, however he didnt end up bringing her here initially. They only ended up coming due to our wedding. However she does not appear to be the babysitting type or cooking type as her mum does everything at home. Her decisions will affect me financially, as if she makes poor decisions, she may require us to bail her out , as her own parents cannot (due to lack of financial ability). Proper job – I am not prejudiced at all as to what that is, e.g. both my parents are laborers, and have even taken on second jobs as cleaners, to me thats fine. To me the main thing is at least have a job, as you shouldnt coast through life without one. However I believe, where she has no skills, she would still feel that a cleaner job would be beneath her, thats the kind of mentality she has. However if you feel a laboring job is beneath you, then at least go and put in some hard yards and study or make something of yourself in the field of white collar work, yet no, her mum gets her a job at an office and she quits and instead goes to China to be a ‘Karaoke girl’..aka ‘model’. In conversations with her, the following came up: 1. She asked about what the benefits were in Sydney, e.g. unemployment benefits etc. I mentioned that in Sydney, if you are able bodied and still receiving unemployment benefits, they will force you to go and find a job, or at least you have to be going and showing effort that you are finding one. This is the truth of the welfare system here, not as easy to get as in other countries. 2. We mentioned that the retirement age in Australia will be about 70 in the future, she was shocked it was so high. My parents have been very nice to his family, taking them out to restaurants and I gave tonnes of clothes to his sisters (dresses which havent been worn much). How do I bring this up to her, the fact that she is living in a fantasy bubble and should mature up, should I be direct?
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