Pain Avoidance
October 29, 2017 7:45 PM Subscribe
Am I a rebound or can this grow into something real?
We are in our 30’s and he’s quite recently divorced (approximately 4 months). They were together for a total of 6 years. He minimized the trauma when I first met him, and I have to say it seems he’s coping quite well (but what do I really know?). No kids, no drama (that is apparent or spoken of).
He doesn’t talk much about her, seems totally involved in whatever dates we have, and generally is a really nice guy. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month now and I’m ready to kick in the door to blissful happiness but I know that it’s not right yet.
I have a hard time with this myself because I haven’t had a serious relationship in over 4 years. I don’t know what it’s like to be courted, cuddled, or to let anyone in. I just figured I’d know when the right time was and when I met the right person it’ll fall into place. But this is new and I’m not trying to end up walking down heartbreak lane again. My heart just can’t take it again.
Still, I don’t like the idea of writing someone off for this. He said he spent a lot of time alone and now he feels he’s ready to get back out there.
To be honest, I wasn’t crazy about him at first. I just went with each date and the next and when I saw him slowly opening up, he became someone I’d date long term. Each date snowballs into learning more and trying new things, or even just relaxing together.
I also didn’t know what it was like to have someone who wants to see me more than once a week, and it surprises me how great that feels again. I’m worn out and tired in a good way, even though I have my adult responsibilities hanging over my head.
I like him a lot. He says he feels the same and we have eased into this. But it’s increasing in intensity and frequency. We are now seeing each other 4x a week. He’s away now and soon I will be too, leaving a gap of two weeks in between the fervor. I guess I’ll see how that goes.
Anyway, we have shared a physical relationship as well so far and it’s still blossoming but so far I’m happy with it. To spell it out, there are some performance anxiety issues. Even though we share this, he makes it a point to not have this be a focal point in our dating life.
As my friends would say, “So what’s the problem here? I don’t see one. Have fun.”
The problem is a little over a week ago I had to ask him about his dating profile. He’s still using it and I’m sure you can imagine how that makes me feel. Oh, hold on a second, I’m not doing online dating even though that’s partially how we met. So I’m not involved in that world anymore. I’ve been hurt too many times and gave it up years ago.
I had a discussion with him about it because I was actually going to pull the plug. I’m pretty gun-shy and am not up for getting hurt when I can avoid it. I’m just trying to avoid being naive. And I’m not sure what is right and what is wrong. I’m being patient but I’m not an idiot waiting to get knocked aside.
He said that of course he can’t promise anything but he does want a relationship. He just doesn’t want to rush to commitment. And I have to say I get it. But...I’ve heard similar things, more directly put and when someone tells you that, you’re supposed to think that you’re not someone they’d ever take seriously and walk away.
I’m more of a monogamous dater. I know, I know...but I feel like the right person will appreciate that I take the time to savor one person at a time instead of spreading my mind across the web. I did date multiple people at once at one point and...I just can’t do it.
This shit sucks, ya know? You think you meet someone great and it all blows up in your face.
We are in our 30’s and he’s quite recently divorced (approximately 4 months). They were together for a total of 6 years. He minimized the trauma when I first met him, and I have to say it seems he’s coping quite well (but what do I really know?). No kids, no drama (that is apparent or spoken of).
He doesn’t talk much about her, seems totally involved in whatever dates we have, and generally is a really nice guy. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month now and I’m ready to kick in the door to blissful happiness but I know that it’s not right yet.
I have a hard time with this myself because I haven’t had a serious relationship in over 4 years. I don’t know what it’s like to be courted, cuddled, or to let anyone in. I just figured I’d know when the right time was and when I met the right person it’ll fall into place. But this is new and I’m not trying to end up walking down heartbreak lane again. My heart just can’t take it again.
Still, I don’t like the idea of writing someone off for this. He said he spent a lot of time alone and now he feels he’s ready to get back out there.
To be honest, I wasn’t crazy about him at first. I just went with each date and the next and when I saw him slowly opening up, he became someone I’d date long term. Each date snowballs into learning more and trying new things, or even just relaxing together.
I also didn’t know what it was like to have someone who wants to see me more than once a week, and it surprises me how great that feels again. I’m worn out and tired in a good way, even though I have my adult responsibilities hanging over my head.
I like him a lot. He says he feels the same and we have eased into this. But it’s increasing in intensity and frequency. We are now seeing each other 4x a week. He’s away now and soon I will be too, leaving a gap of two weeks in between the fervor. I guess I’ll see how that goes.
Anyway, we have shared a physical relationship as well so far and it’s still blossoming but so far I’m happy with it. To spell it out, there are some performance anxiety issues. Even though we share this, he makes it a point to not have this be a focal point in our dating life.
As my friends would say, “So what’s the problem here? I don’t see one. Have fun.”
The problem is a little over a week ago I had to ask him about his dating profile. He’s still using it and I’m sure you can imagine how that makes me feel. Oh, hold on a second, I’m not doing online dating even though that’s partially how we met. So I’m not involved in that world anymore. I’ve been hurt too many times and gave it up years ago.
I had a discussion with him about it because I was actually going to pull the plug. I’m pretty gun-shy and am not up for getting hurt when I can avoid it. I’m just trying to avoid being naive. And I’m not sure what is right and what is wrong. I’m being patient but I’m not an idiot waiting to get knocked aside.
He said that of course he can’t promise anything but he does want a relationship. He just doesn’t want to rush to commitment. And I have to say I get it. But...I’ve heard similar things, more directly put and when someone tells you that, you’re supposed to think that you’re not someone they’d ever take seriously and walk away.
I’m more of a monogamous dater. I know, I know...but I feel like the right person will appreciate that I take the time to savor one person at a time instead of spreading my mind across the web. I did date multiple people at once at one point and...I just can’t do it.
This shit sucks, ya know? You think you meet someone great and it all blows up in your face.
Best answer: Most people on those sites are dating more than one person at a time at the beginning, but I don't think anyone would find it odd or inappropriate for you to want monogamy after starting to have sex. You're not asking for a lifelong commitment, but you do think it's time for exclusivity. He may or may not agree to it, mind you, but it's a common enough expectation. You have to tell him what you want, though. Do not go along playing the "cool girl" out of fear of looking "needy." You have needs. You won't get them fulfilled if you don't express them to the people involved.
posted by praemunire at 8:47 PM on October 29, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:47 PM on October 29, 2017 [12 favorites]
I think you called it. Have fun if you want, but he's not ready yet, and he may not be the one anyway. Just move on.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:58 PM on October 29, 2017
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:58 PM on October 29, 2017
Best answer:
He said that of course he can’t promise anything but he does want a relationship. He just doesn’t want to rush to commitment
Of course he can promise anything he wants to, what a ridiculous thing to say. He does not have to propose marriage to you this week in order to agree to see one person seriously at a time. you are under no obligation whatsoever to maintain your current level of contact and intimacy if it messes with your head to behave like a girlfriend while not being acknowledged as one. if he wants to say that the two of you don't really know each other yet and are still in the figuring-things-out phase (true), he should behave that way and back off to a casual level. and he will not, so it will only happen if you do it.
you have every right in the world to explain to him that you, personally, only sleep with one person at a time, and only with reciprocity. and so if he is still seeing multiple people, that's his business but the serious part of the relationship with you will be on hiatus until he is ready to take it seriously. I don't mean a break or a break-up, just see him once or twice a week for conversation and nothing much more. I am tempted to say that if this shocks him into getting serious, he's not worth it, because you shouldn't have to do that. but he does know you well enough by now to know if he likes you or really really likes you, you know?
He said he spent a lot of time alone
boy that's a weird thing to say when he was only divorced for three months before he started seeing you. or was he separated for a long time before the actual divorce? because there are divorced men who get so used to the comforts of marriage that they cannot really function without an immediate replacement. this is different from being a rebound because it can be permanent if you let it. but in my mind, it's worse.
anyway, I am only being so negative because he could just say to you: I want to date around a bunch and not get serious with anybody for a while yet, because I'm fresh divorced and I want to explore my options. that's not wrong! it's a valid temporary lifestyle choice! but a lot of men will flat-out lie and say the italicized nonsense above, instead, about can't promise and don't want to rush and all that. so while it could be true, I wouldn't want to bet on it. and if it is a lie, it is exactly that, not a polite fiction. there is nothing preventing him from being clear instead of making you guess and decode.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:33 PM on October 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
He said that of course he can’t promise anything but he does want a relationship. He just doesn’t want to rush to commitment
Of course he can promise anything he wants to, what a ridiculous thing to say. He does not have to propose marriage to you this week in order to agree to see one person seriously at a time. you are under no obligation whatsoever to maintain your current level of contact and intimacy if it messes with your head to behave like a girlfriend while not being acknowledged as one. if he wants to say that the two of you don't really know each other yet and are still in the figuring-things-out phase (true), he should behave that way and back off to a casual level. and he will not, so it will only happen if you do it.
you have every right in the world to explain to him that you, personally, only sleep with one person at a time, and only with reciprocity. and so if he is still seeing multiple people, that's his business but the serious part of the relationship with you will be on hiatus until he is ready to take it seriously. I don't mean a break or a break-up, just see him once or twice a week for conversation and nothing much more. I am tempted to say that if this shocks him into getting serious, he's not worth it, because you shouldn't have to do that. but he does know you well enough by now to know if he likes you or really really likes you, you know?
He said he spent a lot of time alone
boy that's a weird thing to say when he was only divorced for three months before he started seeing you. or was he separated for a long time before the actual divorce? because there are divorced men who get so used to the comforts of marriage that they cannot really function without an immediate replacement. this is different from being a rebound because it can be permanent if you let it. but in my mind, it's worse.
anyway, I am only being so negative because he could just say to you: I want to date around a bunch and not get serious with anybody for a while yet, because I'm fresh divorced and I want to explore my options. that's not wrong! it's a valid temporary lifestyle choice! but a lot of men will flat-out lie and say the italicized nonsense above, instead, about can't promise and don't want to rush and all that. so while it could be true, I wouldn't want to bet on it. and if it is a lie, it is exactly that, not a polite fiction. there is nothing preventing him from being clear instead of making you guess and decode.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:33 PM on October 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
As far as being a rebound, sometimes people have been "done" with their marriages for a long time before they get around to actually pulling the plug and separating. The marriage may have simply fizzled without a terrible amount of pain and drama (especially if they weren't married for decades and have no kids.) And if they are basically comfortable with each other sometimes it doesn't feel like there is an urgent need for anyone to move out right away, and they live separate lives as basically roommates for awhile until one of them decides it is time to move on to a new phase of life.
I wasn't long out of my previous marriage before I got into my current relationship. I had some feelings about the separation but I wasn't grieving or panicking about being alone. I just happened to meet a guy I really liked sooner than expected and we took it from there. We've been married 16 years.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:56 AM on October 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
I wasn't long out of my previous marriage before I got into my current relationship. I had some feelings about the separation but I wasn't grieving or panicking about being alone. I just happened to meet a guy I really liked sooner than expected and we took it from there. We've been married 16 years.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:56 AM on October 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
But this is new and I’m not trying to end up walking down heartbreak lane again. My heart just can’t take it again.
After four years, I think this is the wrong approach. Not that you should be reckless if you meet someone you're really keen on where everything's right, but after this long not dating? Break up early and break up often. Your heart feels like it can't take it because you're not used to it. You've lost all your emotional callouses and you're going to be in a vulnerable place until you build them back up again. It's good, at this stage, to have something that doesn't work out. It will establish for you that you can, in fact, survive something else not working out. Because you can, and you're probably going to have to have a few flops before you have something else that works out properly. If a month in, three months in, six months in, you see fundamental differences in what you want and what a guy wants? Don't over-analyze it--move on, and every time it'll get easier.
posted by Sequence at 3:47 AM on October 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
After four years, I think this is the wrong approach. Not that you should be reckless if you meet someone you're really keen on where everything's right, but after this long not dating? Break up early and break up often. Your heart feels like it can't take it because you're not used to it. You've lost all your emotional callouses and you're going to be in a vulnerable place until you build them back up again. It's good, at this stage, to have something that doesn't work out. It will establish for you that you can, in fact, survive something else not working out. Because you can, and you're probably going to have to have a few flops before you have something else that works out properly. If a month in, three months in, six months in, you see fundamental differences in what you want and what a guy wants? Don't over-analyze it--move on, and every time it'll get easier.
posted by Sequence at 3:47 AM on October 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I’m loving all the insight, everyone. I really appreciate it.
To clarify the conversation we had about him dating around, he did tell me he’s not trying to go out and rebound all over the place. He doesn’t sleep around like that, but he wants to see what’s out there because this is totally new for him. He said he’s not out to f*ck me over or anything and acknowledged that I’m probably in a different stage of my life but with my own struggles (last year I lost everything I had).
I think I can be mildly okay with that because I don’t really know how he’s utilizing the dating service and I get most of his free time recently. I’m just wondering if this makes me a rebound or whether he’d commit. How would I know I’m a serious contender and how would I know when to have this conversation again? January?
About my history, I’ve actually dated a lot of people and I’ve never been treated like this so it’s confusing the hell out of me. I usually get the guys who seem all excited about me, then drop off the face of the earth after a few dates. Or they display behaviors that turn me off instantly (aggression and booger eating - yeah, that happened and it was an awkward conversation to have). Down to married men posing as singles (I told on them). It’s been really bad. I mean it was like hell on earth. I stopped dating altogether this year, except for a couple of flings.
Seeing someone so consistently who is seemingly emotionally available is throwing me for a loop. He cares what I have to say and we are building up on all these stupid jokes. It’s interesting and enticing after being used for so long, but the anxiety of it all is wearing me down. It’s like I wanted this so badly and now I don’t know how to handle it.
Anyway, I don’t mean to threadsit. I just wanted to add that in because I forgot to say anything about those parts.
posted by AlexandriaParis at 4:27 AM on October 30, 2017
To clarify the conversation we had about him dating around, he did tell me he’s not trying to go out and rebound all over the place. He doesn’t sleep around like that, but he wants to see what’s out there because this is totally new for him. He said he’s not out to f*ck me over or anything and acknowledged that I’m probably in a different stage of my life but with my own struggles (last year I lost everything I had).
I think I can be mildly okay with that because I don’t really know how he’s utilizing the dating service and I get most of his free time recently. I’m just wondering if this makes me a rebound or whether he’d commit. How would I know I’m a serious contender and how would I know when to have this conversation again? January?
About my history, I’ve actually dated a lot of people and I’ve never been treated like this so it’s confusing the hell out of me. I usually get the guys who seem all excited about me, then drop off the face of the earth after a few dates. Or they display behaviors that turn me off instantly (aggression and booger eating - yeah, that happened and it was an awkward conversation to have). Down to married men posing as singles (I told on them). It’s been really bad. I mean it was like hell on earth. I stopped dating altogether this year, except for a couple of flings.
Seeing someone so consistently who is seemingly emotionally available is throwing me for a loop. He cares what I have to say and we are building up on all these stupid jokes. It’s interesting and enticing after being used for so long, but the anxiety of it all is wearing me down. It’s like I wanted this so badly and now I don’t know how to handle it.
Anyway, I don’t mean to threadsit. I just wanted to add that in because I forgot to say anything about those parts.
posted by AlexandriaParis at 4:27 AM on October 30, 2017
I’m just wondering if this makes me a rebound or whether he’d commit. How would I know I’m a serious contender and how would I know when to have this conversation again? January?
Only he can tell you this and there's a lot of stuff between rebound and commitment - he's been clear that he's not ready now and you don't mention how long you've been dating but even if it's been the full four months since his divorce, it's very early for a typical person coming out of a divorce to commit (whatever actions mean that to you.)
You are going to need to deal with your own anxiety issues I think for this relationship to continue - otherwise, you're just mismatched in terms of expectations at this point. He's been very up front with you and you're not happy with where you are so maybe tell him to call you in six months after he's gotten to a point where he's ready for something more serious.
posted by notorious medium at 4:58 AM on October 30, 2017
Only he can tell you this and there's a lot of stuff between rebound and commitment - he's been clear that he's not ready now and you don't mention how long you've been dating but even if it's been the full four months since his divorce, it's very early for a typical person coming out of a divorce to commit (whatever actions mean that to you.)
You are going to need to deal with your own anxiety issues I think for this relationship to continue - otherwise, you're just mismatched in terms of expectations at this point. He's been very up front with you and you're not happy with where you are so maybe tell him to call you in six months after he's gotten to a point where he's ready for something more serious.
posted by notorious medium at 4:58 AM on October 30, 2017
Best answer: It takes months at least for someone to be officially divorced, and most marriages don't end suddenly so it's likely that he was alone for a good amount of time.
In my experience it's not great when a guy continues to use online dating sites but it doesn't mean he's actually going on dates with anyone else, online dating is not that great for guys in terms of getting messages and dates. What it means is he's still looking, despite spending time with you. I would not be ok with that if I was sleeping with someone, especially if I'd been seeing them more than a couple of months, regardless of their prior status. In my experience where the guy was really into me, the guy deletes their online stuff or at least goes into hidden mode within a few weeks without me having to bring it up. Guys who want a relationship are eager to stop the work of dating when they meet someone they really like, because they've found what they were looking for.
What will likely happen is you will bring it up again and say "hey, I don't like that you're still online", he will say "sorry but I am", and you will break up with him. He will be sad that he can't keep seeing you, but will accept it because checking out the market is more important to him right now. Him stating you're in different places sounds on the mark. If this is causing anxiety I'd say "call me if you're ready in the future but I am looking for a committed relationship and am going to continue to pursue that, and I don't date multiple guys at once." I said that exact thing last year. The guy was sad but respected that I really don't play around. He really did like me, he liked sleeping with me, but he wasn't ready for a relationship and he marked that by keeping his dating profile online, I gave him two months then pulled the plug. He says he didn't go on any dates or talk to anyone else while we were dating and I believe him but I wanted a guy who wanted to be my boyfriend. Anyway now we are friends, I met someone who was on the same page as me (and I am much happier), and he continues to date casually.
On the other hand 4x a week is a lot of time, and if it's really good when you're together, this might be a good experience for you even if it doesn't end up longterm, you just need to ask him to be honest about what he's doing with other women and decide what your boundary is if you're going to accept him being online. Would you stop seeing him if he was seeing someone else regularly? Sleeping with someone else? You decide the boundary and let him know what it is.
posted by lafemma at 7:10 AM on October 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
In my experience it's not great when a guy continues to use online dating sites but it doesn't mean he's actually going on dates with anyone else, online dating is not that great for guys in terms of getting messages and dates. What it means is he's still looking, despite spending time with you. I would not be ok with that if I was sleeping with someone, especially if I'd been seeing them more than a couple of months, regardless of their prior status. In my experience where the guy was really into me, the guy deletes their online stuff or at least goes into hidden mode within a few weeks without me having to bring it up. Guys who want a relationship are eager to stop the work of dating when they meet someone they really like, because they've found what they were looking for.
What will likely happen is you will bring it up again and say "hey, I don't like that you're still online", he will say "sorry but I am", and you will break up with him. He will be sad that he can't keep seeing you, but will accept it because checking out the market is more important to him right now. Him stating you're in different places sounds on the mark. If this is causing anxiety I'd say "call me if you're ready in the future but I am looking for a committed relationship and am going to continue to pursue that, and I don't date multiple guys at once." I said that exact thing last year. The guy was sad but respected that I really don't play around. He really did like me, he liked sleeping with me, but he wasn't ready for a relationship and he marked that by keeping his dating profile online, I gave him two months then pulled the plug. He says he didn't go on any dates or talk to anyone else while we were dating and I believe him but I wanted a guy who wanted to be my boyfriend. Anyway now we are friends, I met someone who was on the same page as me (and I am much happier), and he continues to date casually.
On the other hand 4x a week is a lot of time, and if it's really good when you're together, this might be a good experience for you even if it doesn't end up longterm, you just need to ask him to be honest about what he's doing with other women and decide what your boundary is if you're going to accept him being online. Would you stop seeing him if he was seeing someone else regularly? Sleeping with someone else? You decide the boundary and let him know what it is.
posted by lafemma at 7:10 AM on October 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
I was this guy recently... I probably am still this guy. After coming out of something so serious for so long, the thing I valued most was my freedom. It may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds like he just wants to keep things casual for now. He's just not ready for what you want right now.
posted by mattsweaters at 7:25 AM on October 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by mattsweaters at 7:25 AM on October 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
It's nearly impossible to be on equal footing when you're in a new relationship. With any situation that's uncomfortable you have a few choices: 1. Accept (be truly OK with his dating profile and the probability that he will be seeing other women. put up your own dating profile and explore also.) 2. Reject (leave the relationship. decide that you want courtship and not casual dating) 3. Tolerate (Do nothing/keep wondering/make complaints that go nowhere. This will drive you nuts). You always have the right to renegotiate the terms, i.e. no sex without a contract for: Longevity (relationship building), Exclusivity (physically, and on social media), and Continuity (how often and when/where/how do you spend time together). In relationships people tend to assume premature monogamy from their partner, women in particular after being bonded by sex {without a contract} and the surge of oxytocin...then experience the painful detox.
Best of luck to you and your future relationships!
posted by kwren at 7:39 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best of luck to you and your future relationships!
posted by kwren at 7:39 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This kind of situation is tricky because you're now negotiating. You want him all to yourself - you do, there's nothing wrong with it - and he wants you, and to sleep with lots of other people. As a woman, we are supposed to be indulgent at this point and think "oh, men will be men, he needs to sow his oats." This is the response he seems to be wanting from you. This is a boner killer for you, for obvious reasons. I think that is a VERY healthy boundary.
I think this relationship is a non-starter - if you think of a rocket ship, it may have had the energy to make it out of the stratosphere, but now it's wandering aimlessly nowhere. Sad to say, I think you have to focus your efforts on someone else.
Can you keep this person in your life? I'd think NO. You've slept with him, swerving right into being friends will be hard. Do not keep sleeping with him. That is how you get into a casual relationship you don't want to be in. Don't stuff down a lot of feelings, you've had a hard year you said and more confusion will not help.
I will say that you can give this guy a chance - say "monogamy or nothing, take me or leave me." January is too much time to give someone in this situation. 6 weeks of acquaintanceship is ample time. Maybe 2 months total.
But don't get sucked into the cultural belief that men just want to sow their oats and you have to be stoic and a "cool girl" about it. Find someone who will start of strong, like this guy, but then be the one to pursue and initiate monogamy.
I think hormones are clouding your judgment on this one. Don't take it personally. It doesn't sound like he's in a place to commit, and it's NOT YOU.
posted by karmachameleon at 9:42 AM on October 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think this relationship is a non-starter - if you think of a rocket ship, it may have had the energy to make it out of the stratosphere, but now it's wandering aimlessly nowhere. Sad to say, I think you have to focus your efforts on someone else.
Can you keep this person in your life? I'd think NO. You've slept with him, swerving right into being friends will be hard. Do not keep sleeping with him. That is how you get into a casual relationship you don't want to be in. Don't stuff down a lot of feelings, you've had a hard year you said and more confusion will not help.
I will say that you can give this guy a chance - say "monogamy or nothing, take me or leave me." January is too much time to give someone in this situation. 6 weeks of acquaintanceship is ample time. Maybe 2 months total.
But don't get sucked into the cultural belief that men just want to sow their oats and you have to be stoic and a "cool girl" about it. Find someone who will start of strong, like this guy, but then be the one to pursue and initiate monogamy.
I think hormones are clouding your judgment on this one. Don't take it personally. It doesn't sound like he's in a place to commit, and it's NOT YOU.
posted by karmachameleon at 9:42 AM on October 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
yeah, it's not that he's a bad person for wanting to keep his options open, but it is incompatible with your perfectly ok need for monogamy. Don't try to pretzel yourself up or second-guess yourself in order to get in line with what he wants. He currently wants something different from what you want. It's ok.
Not only are there other people out there who do want what you're looking for; it's better to be alone than in a relationship that makes you feel bad. Don't pretzel.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:43 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Not only are there other people out there who do want what you're looking for; it's better to be alone than in a relationship that makes you feel bad. Don't pretzel.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:43 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In my opinion, being recently divorced isn't a problem. Neither is being a rebound. My husband and I are each other's rebounds. Rebound doesn't mean it can't work.
The only actual problem you've stated is this:
The problem is a little over a week ago I had to ask him about his dating profile. He’s still using it and I’m sure you can imagine how that makes me feel... He said that of course he can’t promise anything but he does want a relationship. He just doesn’t want to rush to commitment... I’m more of a monogamous dater.
So you're an adult and you're allowed to have boundaries; it's healthy. Just tell him that you like him, and you'd love to keep seeing him and find out where this will go, but that you only do monogamous intimacy so it's his call.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:55 PM on October 29, 2017 [11 favorites]