What was this?

September 24, 2017 1:56 AM

I'm trying to make sense of something that happened to me a long time ago. Can anyone help me get my head around it? Content note: sexual activity between minors.

So... when I was 12, my best friend and I made a friend. He was 15. He took drugs and was, not to put too fine a point on it, crazy. We were both nerdy, sheltered and naive.

She told me they did some sexual things. She was willing at the time but distressed by it later. He and I did sexual things too, at a certain point. Nothing involving nudity below the waist, and I was also "willing" at the time, but I didn't understand what I was doing.

I hadn't even hit puberty yet. It bothered me later and came up during a mental breakdown when I was 16 or so. I think it was also partly the cause of my inappropriately precocious sexual behavior.

I've had people tell me this was sexual abuse. But he was a kid too, and anyway we didn't do much. I just feel like I could really use an outside perspective on this and to understand how to frame it. Thank you.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (2 answers total)

There isn't a lot to go on here. It sounds, at the very least, like a disturbing experience for all the reasons you've laid out here. Interpreting it more than that is likely best done through more thorough conversation between you and someone you really trust, perhaps a therapist. In order to understand "what this was" by some objective standard, the most relevant information would be more about your relationship with this guy and how you felt as it was occurring. Did you feel scared? Coerced? Elated? Grown up?

Ultimately, though, the objective truth of what occurred is less important than understanding how you subsequently felt about it and why, and how that shaped your later thoughts and actions. Even if objetictively there was nothing untoward in the interaction as it occurred (and your description of the circumstances could go either way, I think) if it subsequently came to shape your perceptions and behavior in certain ways, then it matters. I would submit that understanding how it affected you is the important part here. You are allowed to have felt any way you want about it regardless of what "actually " happened.



Having said all that, I will say that on its face the situation you present sounds dangerous and likely coercive given the relative ages here. But, on the other hand, a physical age of 15 isn't definitive of anything because there are many different psychological 15 year olds and we don't know what kind this guy was. Was he regressed and feeling more comfortable with you than other 15 year olds? Taking drugs doesn't preclude that. Was he a mature 15 and predatory? You haven't given enough information to judge that. And 15 is right on the cusp. I think the social expectations of a 16 year old (I'm assuming from yr writing that you're from the US) are different in this regard from those for a 15 year old. Were the dude 16 while you were 12 I think it would be more clear that this was likely predatory.
posted by OmieWise at 3:05 AM on September 24, 2017

I don't see it as nuanced as OmieWise. OP, you said you were "willing" at the time, with scare quotes, but that you were prepubescent, didn't understand what was going on, and felt bad about it later. That suggests this wasn't just some fun between kids. So does the fact that it's still bothering you however many years later.

You also describe him as "crazy," in contrast to you and your friend who were sheltered and naive. And he hurt your friend the same way too. I don't see how it makes a difference if he was 15 or 16. A 15 year old engaging in sexual activity with a pre pubescent 12 year old who doesn't understand what's going on sounds pretty predatory to me.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you're okay and can get help if you need it.
posted by bizarrenacle at 3:41 AM on September 24, 2017