How did you decide to have a child?
May 6, 2017 1:21 AM Subscribe
How did you go from "I'd like to have kids someday" to "today is the day we quit birth control?"
My partner and I (male/ female, early 30's) kind of know we want a child, in a nebulous way. We're in a stable relationship, with good jobs. We have a pretty awesome, busy life and enjoy being able to be spontaneous and try different things. The tiny baby stage is not appealing to both of us so we don't see people with babies and go "I want one!" We are super analytical people without much in the way of biological clocks, apparently!
However, having a kid is what we want for the long term. How do you make that leap? What did you take into account with regard to planning, timing, etc.?
What I'm not looking for is stories about accidentally or "accidentally" getting pregnant. I'm on birth control that requires a decision to go off of, so there's no "let's just see what happens" for us.
My partner and I (male/ female, early 30's) kind of know we want a child, in a nebulous way. We're in a stable relationship, with good jobs. We have a pretty awesome, busy life and enjoy being able to be spontaneous and try different things. The tiny baby stage is not appealing to both of us so we don't see people with babies and go "I want one!" We are super analytical people without much in the way of biological clocks, apparently!
However, having a kid is what we want for the long term. How do you make that leap? What did you take into account with regard to planning, timing, etc.?
What I'm not looking for is stories about accidentally or "accidentally" getting pregnant. I'm on birth control that requires a decision to go off of, so there's no "let's just see what happens" for us.
I wanted to get stable in my new career so I had a certain job level I wanted to achieve, we wanted to buy a house. Once those were achieved we planned a year where all our holidays were relatively gentle so I could realistically do them while pregnant. I stopped my birth control as soon as we moved house and then used condoms until after our last exciting holiday. The idea was to have the baby while I was 34.
I found it a really difficult process - I entirely stopped enjoying sex and it made me very emotional. Every time it didn't work I felt like a failure and massively guilty because my partner wanted it so much while I was quite pleased that I could still do my contact sports etc.
In the end it took us two years and we were just starting fertility investigations when I got pregnant. I had him aged 36.
There is never a perfect time. People will tell you how 35 isn't old and people have babies in their 40s. This is true but it isn't necessarily how it will happen for you. If your life situation is good enough you should probably just go for it.
posted by kadia_a at 2:11 AM on May 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
I found it a really difficult process - I entirely stopped enjoying sex and it made me very emotional. Every time it didn't work I felt like a failure and massively guilty because my partner wanted it so much while I was quite pleased that I could still do my contact sports etc.
In the end it took us two years and we were just starting fertility investigations when I got pregnant. I had him aged 36.
There is never a perfect time. People will tell you how 35 isn't old and people have babies in their 40s. This is true but it isn't necessarily how it will happen for you. If your life situation is good enough you should probably just go for it.
posted by kadia_a at 2:11 AM on May 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
This was me about 5 years ago, age 31. It was a difficult decision for sure. A year before we started trying, we did several things intentionally to "prepare". We did some international travel, we bought a new car. We stopped paying off student loans as aggressively as we had been in order to boost our savings. We tried really hard to find a better place to rent in the city we were living in and were unsuccessful, which sucked and led me to do a job search while pregnant and on maternity leave, which was super not fun. But we did move when baby was 7 months and it wasn't a huge deal (except for us parents, emotionally, as a symbolic nail in the coffin of our pre-kid lives). I wish we had prepared more as a couple, like proactively gone to counseling in advance, but our relationship was doing really well before baby and very quickly spiraled into not well at all after he arrived and we're still recovering. Make a parental leave plan together. I wish we had talked more about the hard stuff, like who exactly is going to get up at night and how do we want to manage cooking and taking care of our dog and let's make a plan in case mom or baby needs extra medical care or recovery period right after the birth. I had a long intense labor and unplanned c section and it kind of wrecked me for a while but it could have been so much worse. And what will happen if you have a "colicky" baby who only cries and sleeps for six weeks straight. On the other hand things could go great and you could have a smooth birth and super chill baby and yay. And you can talk all you want before baby but things will end up just happening and you'll have to let go of any notion that you had a plan or any control over anything. I am getting ahead of your real question though - it is so hard to make the big decision to stop birth control and then hurry up and wait. I got a positive after three months trying, then had a miscarriage three weeks later. Waited three months to try again, got pregnant right away (and had terrible insomnia and anxiety about miscarrying again). Three of my good friends trying at the same time all took a year or more to get the positive, one of them took like three years and was successful with IVF.
I still love my son and we both know we absolutely made the right decision to have a child, and we never really would have felt truly ready so we did the best we could. Now we are on the fence about doing this all again ... !! Good luck to you both!!
posted by wannabecounselor at 3:15 AM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
I still love my son and we both know we absolutely made the right decision to have a child, and we never really would have felt truly ready so we did the best we could. Now we are on the fence about doing this all again ... !! Good luck to you both!!
posted by wannabecounselor at 3:15 AM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
I live overseas and my sister was getting married back home. We figured out how pregnant I could be and still fly, and worked out a date backwards from there. I was 31, gave birth at 32. (I got pregnant on the first try, found sex better than ever since I was no longer worried about getting pregnant, had a fairly smooth pregnancy, was induced and had a quick birth (bit of a rough recovery), got lucky and had an easygoing baby and marriage is still intact (hard work and easy kid). Ymmv, obviously. Really you just never know!)
A close friend gave up her BC when I announced my pregnancy. She said she figured if I could do it she could too! Her daughter is six months younger than my son.
posted by jrobin276 at 4:04 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
A close friend gave up her BC when I announced my pregnancy. She said she figured if I could do it she could too! Her daughter is six months younger than my son.
posted by jrobin276 at 4:04 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
If the woman in your relationship is 33 or older then now is the time to start. You may not feel the biological clock ticking, but it may just be too quiet to hear. Ideally conceiving and delivering before she is 35 and not being of "advanced maternal age".
posted by saradarlin at 4:35 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by saradarlin at 4:35 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
We decided before we got married and went off birth control around the wedding day and got pregnant almost immediately. If you want kids and have stable jobs just do it.
posted by empath at 4:40 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 4:40 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
When I was 30, I wasn't sure about what "ready" looked like but I felt like I should probably start trying, just in case it was difficult. It got intense quickly from "I think I want kids...?" to "I'm upset that this hasn't happened yet." When I had my son and actually met him, I wished I'd started trying earlier so that I could have spent more of my life with him.
posted by smirkyfodder at 5:10 AM on May 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by smirkyfodder at 5:10 AM on May 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
I was on birth control until age 26 and felt not the slightest baby twinge until I went off it because of high blood pressure. Within months, I started getting monthly baby twinges during ovulation. Having the conversation with my husband--when I'd previously identified as child-free--was a little embarrassing, but our kid is three now and the best decision we ever made. Just take the plunge!
I really do think hormonal birth control can suppress those yearnings a bit. I'm not on the pill now and we're probably one and done--I need to be mindful of my body urging me to tell me to do risky things, reproduction wise, when I'm ovulating.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:19 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I really do think hormonal birth control can suppress those yearnings a bit. I'm not on the pill now and we're probably one and done--I need to be mindful of my body urging me to tell me to do risky things, reproduction wise, when I'm ovulating.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:19 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
We had two major projects that we wanted to do a year or two after getting married -- buy a home and have a kid. When our financing fell through for the townhouse (banks were skittish after the financial crisis), we kind of said "welp, let's move on to Project B." Then the bank unexpectedly came through and we ended up conceiving on our first try, the day before closing on our home. I realized I was pregnant when the "new kitchen" kept making me feel nauseous.
I wouldn't change a thing!
posted by wyzewoman at 5:49 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't change a thing!
posted by wyzewoman at 5:49 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Add my voice to "very freaking soon". I had my first child at 32, and now I'm 35 and in the last month of pregnancy. The difference in how comfortable and the little physical problems between those two pregnancies, just three years apart, is staggering. It only gets harder on the woman the longer you leave it. If you are financially stable and are in a place with your relationship, now is the time.
posted by Jilder at 6:16 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Jilder at 6:16 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
There's never a perfect time. Even at 35,when we started trying, I felt like I wasn't ready. If there are not big things on the horizon which would make it a terrible idea, then just go for it.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:19 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:19 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think it helps to remember that it takes about a year (at the absolute fastest) to make a baby. So you don't have to be ready for a baby right this minute (and that's impossible anyway). Instead think about if you want to have a baby in a year. If that sounds good to you, then the female partner should start taking folic acid supplements for a couple of months and then you can stop using birth control. If that sounds too soon, then you can wait a bit. I think it also helps to think about the long-term future: how old do you want to be with a 10 year-old? With a 20 year-old college kid? If you possibly want more than one kid, think about that in terms of your own ages too.
I'd also second treehorn+bunny: having problems conceiving can make it absolutely crystal-clear to you in a horrible, heartbreaking way how much you want to have kids. I don't say that to scare you. It's more like: if you're sure in a general sort of way that you want kids, then I think it's okay to make a fairly intellectual decision about when it's the right time to start trying. In that scenario, if you get pregnant right away you've got 9 months to get your head around the idea (an entire school year!), and if you do have some issues, then you haven't waited until the point where the one thing you want most in the world is a baby, which I think would make fertility struggles even harder and more grueling than they already are.
posted by colfax at 6:58 AM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'd also second treehorn+bunny: having problems conceiving can make it absolutely crystal-clear to you in a horrible, heartbreaking way how much you want to have kids. I don't say that to scare you. It's more like: if you're sure in a general sort of way that you want kids, then I think it's okay to make a fairly intellectual decision about when it's the right time to start trying. In that scenario, if you get pregnant right away you've got 9 months to get your head around the idea (an entire school year!), and if you do have some issues, then you haven't waited until the point where the one thing you want most in the world is a baby, which I think would make fertility struggles even harder and more grueling than they already are.
posted by colfax at 6:58 AM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
I don't know. It was more a case of BABY NOW, rather than any thoughtful consideration when I stopped birth control. I'm glad it worked out like that because I tend to overthink and delay decisions and I would not have wanted a life without children. I'm 40 now and I could conceivably have one more.... but toddlers and my new husband's big fat head . Don't overthink.
posted by jacanj at 6:59 AM on May 6, 2017
posted by jacanj at 6:59 AM on May 6, 2017
For us, we had some friends and coworkers whose kids were really fun and amazing to interact with, which leaned us towards having some of our own.
Our Planned Parenthood was stopping birth control after we achieved: A house we could afford and six months of living expenses saved up. It it meant we could weather any unforeseen circumstances in employment without quickly losing our home. We started at ~31 but it took until ~33 due to fertility issues.
posted by nickggully at 7:00 AM on May 6, 2017
Our Planned Parenthood was stopping birth control after we achieved: A house we could afford and six months of living expenses saved up. It it meant we could weather any unforeseen circumstances in employment without quickly losing our home. We started at ~31 but it took until ~33 due to fertility issues.
posted by nickggully at 7:00 AM on May 6, 2017
We started trying a few months after we got married - not so much because we needed to be married to have kids, but because I was 30, almost 31, and we'd been together awhile, and it felt like the right next step. I am maybe the opposite of you though:)... not very analytical, and feel my way through a lot of things- so I guess I just felt "ready".
I knew my partner would be an awesome dad, and that was a huge reason, too.
We did not have all our stuff/money/careers sorted out, but we did/do have a very good support system in place, a nice living situation, and knew we could figure the rest out. To me, the support system is/was more important than good jobs/money, but that's me - I need to mother/parent with help from people in my "tribe". (Grandparents, friends, community) because parenting is hard. (Childcare is something I didn't think about much, so we got lucky we've had a lot of support - but I think if you can figure that piece out - that's huge.)
It took 2 years to conceive, in which was really, really hard in a lot of ways, but for me, also really growthful. I really did a lot of work on myself, and aligned with parts of myself I hadn't really known before- a whole other story, but it was a sacred time in my life. (Though hands-down infertility is painfully difficult, and crazy-making -- because I did get pregnant I can reflect on that experience now with a new lens.) The 33 year-old-me that gave birth was a really different woman than the 30-year -old-me who had started trying to conceive thinking it would happen in a month or two. I agree with other people, there's no perfect time, and things sort of play out in ways you can not anticipate.
You're right- the newborn/baby stage is not that great, requires a lot of endurance, and is kind of boring and painful! But now with an almost 2 year old, our lives are a good mix of structure (bed time at 7! Naps at around 1!) but also spontaneous. We try out different things all the time, discover places in our neighborhood/community, meet people, try foods, and it just gets better as she becomes more exploratory. So, it changes everything, and also just keeps changing :) And maybe we just got lucky, but you do sleep again!
posted by Rocket26 at 7:39 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I knew my partner would be an awesome dad, and that was a huge reason, too.
We did not have all our stuff/money/careers sorted out, but we did/do have a very good support system in place, a nice living situation, and knew we could figure the rest out. To me, the support system is/was more important than good jobs/money, but that's me - I need to mother/parent with help from people in my "tribe". (Grandparents, friends, community) because parenting is hard. (Childcare is something I didn't think about much, so we got lucky we've had a lot of support - but I think if you can figure that piece out - that's huge.)
It took 2 years to conceive, in which was really, really hard in a lot of ways, but for me, also really growthful. I really did a lot of work on myself, and aligned with parts of myself I hadn't really known before- a whole other story, but it was a sacred time in my life. (Though hands-down infertility is painfully difficult, and crazy-making -- because I did get pregnant I can reflect on that experience now with a new lens.) The 33 year-old-me that gave birth was a really different woman than the 30-year -old-me who had started trying to conceive thinking it would happen in a month or two. I agree with other people, there's no perfect time, and things sort of play out in ways you can not anticipate.
You're right- the newborn/baby stage is not that great, requires a lot of endurance, and is kind of boring and painful! But now with an almost 2 year old, our lives are a good mix of structure (bed time at 7! Naps at around 1!) but also spontaneous. We try out different things all the time, discover places in our neighborhood/community, meet people, try foods, and it just gets better as she becomes more exploratory. So, it changes everything, and also just keeps changing :) And maybe we just got lucky, but you do sleep again!
posted by Rocket26 at 7:39 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I started folic acid when we started talking about it. After around 6 months, it became clear that it would be harder on us to never have children, then to have one too early so we started trying. I got pregnant fairly quickly, then freaked out when my (adjunct style) job looked unsure, and my partner was finishing his phd, so we had no guaranteed income. It all worked out, the jobs came through, but it was a difficult time (spoiler: it was surprise twins). We pulled it together, and I love my kids more than anything, but it might have been nice to wait until we had jobs and a home..... I was 29 then.
posted by Valancy Rachel at 7:48 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Valancy Rachel at 7:48 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I would start with a conversation with your gynecologist about your family planning desires (how many kids do you want to have & how old do you think you might want to be for the last one). Your gynecologist should be able to talk to you about average conception times based on your age as well as discuss any risk factors based on your personal health. She might even recommend getting that test that measures how fertile you are (can't recall what it is at the moment). This is the route I took.
If you are older or think you are going to have trouble conceiving, you will need to plan for the costs of medical intervention and decide what your "limits" are.
For me, it was all about the biological constraints. For my husband, it was about investigating the average financial costs of raising a kid and feeling like we were on track to meet those.
For us, collectively, it was about feeling like our relationship was committed and stable.
posted by CMcG at 7:52 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you are older or think you are going to have trouble conceiving, you will need to plan for the costs of medical intervention and decide what your "limits" are.
For me, it was all about the biological constraints. For my husband, it was about investigating the average financial costs of raising a kid and feeling like we were on track to meet those.
For us, collectively, it was about feeling like our relationship was committed and stable.
posted by CMcG at 7:52 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
We arbitrarily waited until 1 year after we got married to start trying (husband was very very freaked out about the kids thing, he needed some mental deadline). Got pregnant the first cycle we tried and I was pregnant and had an infant while we built a house and I managed a massive 4 year project as CEO of my company. It's doable, but I grant that our timing could have used some tweaking.
posted by lydhre at 7:53 AM on May 6, 2017
posted by lydhre at 7:53 AM on May 6, 2017
We got married when I was 32 and he was 33. I wanted to finish my training program and have a year at a real job before even thinking about kids (3 more years). During that time we moved from a 1-bedroom to a 2-bedroom apartment. Even then it was kind of nebulous and theoretical until one day we just decided that we knew we wanted kids and there wasn't anything left to wait for. I was 35. I can imagine that it would have been infinitely more frustrating if I'd had trouble getting pregnant though.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:06 AM on May 6, 2017
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:06 AM on May 6, 2017
I am about where you are now, except that as a queer couple, my wife and I have to consciously plan the 'how' equation. Every little step we take towards that (talking to the gynecologist and doctor, looking into sperm donations, asking our sperm donor) makes it feel a little bit more real. The actively trying part is going to happen in the fall, after her grad school is wrapped up and we are taking the summer to work on the Get Your Shit Together stuff (that yes, we should have it together anyway, but if anything makes it more important it's a baby). I'm in my early 30s and she's in her mid 30s. We want to have enough time with our child/ren; we want our parents to have time with them. Fertility isn't an issue until it's an issue, but we do know several people trying to get pregnant in their 40s and having a lot of trouble, so that's on our minds, too.
You know you want kids, so the time is now. Make a list of things you absolutely want to do beforehand. Then edit it for reality (we don't actually need to clean the whole apartment before we start trying to get pregnant, but we do need to test for lead). And then give yourself a timeline. Project X gets wrapped up in 3 months; project Y in 6 months; project Z in 10 months.
posted by carrioncomfort at 8:19 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
You know you want kids, so the time is now. Make a list of things you absolutely want to do beforehand. Then edit it for reality (we don't actually need to clean the whole apartment before we start trying to get pregnant, but we do need to test for lead). And then give yourself a timeline. Project X gets wrapped up in 3 months; project Y in 6 months; project Z in 10 months.
posted by carrioncomfort at 8:19 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Things I insisted on doing before trying:
--be at my job 1 year, so I was covered by FMLA protections (also check to see if the birthing-partner's job has 50+ employees to be extra safe)
--have some vacation time saved up
--have physical space for a child - i.e. a nursery or something that could become a child's bedroom
--be married & secure in the relationship
--done some traveling, had some bucket list experiences
--have discussed whether we would both work full-time or whether one person would do primary babycare
Things that would have helped but weren't worth the wait:
--having actual savings
--being at my job long enough to get paid maternity leave
YMMV, you may just need to draw your own line in the sand. But it sounds from your question like you might be ready. Or as ready as anyone ever is. Also, for what it's worth, I always knew I someday wanted kids, but I was never the type of person to fawn over other peoples' infants and I never felt a strong NOW feeling; I too approached it practically and made the decision about stopping BC that seemed like it made sense with my lifeplan.
How would you feel if you had an infant in 9 months? Everyone is scared but if it doesn't make you break out into cold anxiety sweats of spiraling terror, you're probably ready. And lord knows it can take a long time once you take the proactive step to start.
posted by likeatoaster at 8:25 AM on May 6, 2017 [6 favorites]
--be at my job 1 year, so I was covered by FMLA protections (also check to see if the birthing-partner's job has 50+ employees to be extra safe)
--have some vacation time saved up
--have physical space for a child - i.e. a nursery or something that could become a child's bedroom
--be married & secure in the relationship
--done some traveling, had some bucket list experiences
--have discussed whether we would both work full-time or whether one person would do primary babycare
Things that would have helped but weren't worth the wait:
--having actual savings
--being at my job long enough to get paid maternity leave
YMMV, you may just need to draw your own line in the sand. But it sounds from your question like you might be ready. Or as ready as anyone ever is. Also, for what it's worth, I always knew I someday wanted kids, but I was never the type of person to fawn over other peoples' infants and I never felt a strong NOW feeling; I too approached it practically and made the decision about stopping BC that seemed like it made sense with my lifeplan.
How would you feel if you had an infant in 9 months? Everyone is scared but if it doesn't make you break out into cold anxiety sweats of spiraling terror, you're probably ready. And lord knows it can take a long time once you take the proactive step to start.
posted by likeatoaster at 8:25 AM on May 6, 2017 [6 favorites]
The advanced maternal age thing can be a bit of a red herring, we did have to undergo fertility treatment because of some issues with my husband, but my fertility, as 36 when we started, was excellent. I was above average in every respect and they said I should have no problems. And indeed, our procedure was very textbook and worked on the first try. The only time my age came up was in the week before I delivered when I had to switch OBs at the last minute because my own doctor had a baby, and the new one answered every question I had with 'well, you're 40, so...' (I was not 40).
That said, I,will soon actually be 40 and just don't think I have it in me to go through all of that again. The last few weeks of it were rough, I developed some complications and so on. If I'd started earlier, I might have been more game to put my body through that all again. And for some special snowflake reasons which likely don't apply to you, I'm on my own with him now so I'd have to meet someone else for that to happen, and the likelihood given my age, is remote at best.
I'm happy with my one, but there's a part of me that's mourning a little for the sibling he will never have. Something to keep in mind.
posted by ficbot at 8:32 AM on May 6, 2017
That said, I,will soon actually be 40 and just don't think I have it in me to go through all of that again. The last few weeks of it were rough, I developed some complications and so on. If I'd started earlier, I might have been more game to put my body through that all again. And for some special snowflake reasons which likely don't apply to you, I'm on my own with him now so I'd have to meet someone else for that to happen, and the likelihood given my age, is remote at best.
I'm happy with my one, but there's a part of me that's mourning a little for the sibling he will never have. Something to keep in mind.
posted by ficbot at 8:32 AM on May 6, 2017
We started trying after we bought our first house (that was just for me personally an irrational-anxiety-reducer, it does not mean anyone else needs to own a home before procreating). It took us *checks watch* like five years to actually conceive. However, those five years were on-and-off actively trying vs. not really trying but not not trying. It can be a little crazy-making. Finally I had to confront the "now or never" situation when I was 36 and got a doctor involved. Turned out to be an easy fix and I got pregnant pretty much immediately. ANYWAY. Here is the score from someone who seems to be a lot like you w/r/t the prospect of children.
Realize that the time it will take to actually achieve blastocyst lift-off is highly variable and you really do not have that much control over it. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen years from now, and at any point in between. This is the first point of surrender to circumstance that you will have to make but far, far, far from the last. Parenting is a long series of taking blind leaps into unknowable waters. How you confront this first one is like training wheels for all the rest.
If you ducks are vaguely in a row, you can start trying now. You may have to line those ducks up double-time much faster than you thought, or you might have to keep them from wandering off while you take a couple years to conceive. Do a little research into how much daycare costs (highly variable depending on where you live). That's really the only major expense involved in babies if both parents work. All the other stuff can be got cheap off craigslist and/or is optional. But daycare is a second mortgage for many people.
One thing I will warn: parenting as An Old is hard. I'm 42 and have a very active, very energetic, very extroverted nearly-5-year-old and he's delightful but exhausting. So maybe don't put it off too long just for the sake of being able to keep up with your hypothetical youngin'. (He's an only child and starting with when he was around 2 and I was closing in on 40 people kept asking me when I was going to have another and HOLY SHIT ARE YOU INSANE I AM 40 GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE WITH THAT!!!)
posted by soren_lorensen at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
Realize that the time it will take to actually achieve blastocyst lift-off is highly variable and you really do not have that much control over it. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen years from now, and at any point in between. This is the first point of surrender to circumstance that you will have to make but far, far, far from the last. Parenting is a long series of taking blind leaps into unknowable waters. How you confront this first one is like training wheels for all the rest.
If you ducks are vaguely in a row, you can start trying now. You may have to line those ducks up double-time much faster than you thought, or you might have to keep them from wandering off while you take a couple years to conceive. Do a little research into how much daycare costs (highly variable depending on where you live). That's really the only major expense involved in babies if both parents work. All the other stuff can be got cheap off craigslist and/or is optional. But daycare is a second mortgage for many people.
One thing I will warn: parenting as An Old is hard. I'm 42 and have a very active, very energetic, very extroverted nearly-5-year-old and he's delightful but exhausting. So maybe don't put it off too long just for the sake of being able to keep up with your hypothetical youngin'. (He's an only child and starting with when he was around 2 and I was closing in on 40 people kept asking me when I was going to have another and HOLY SHIT ARE YOU INSANE I AM 40 GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE WITH THAT!!!)
posted by soren_lorensen at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
We are also super analytical people who are not in love with babies (or were not, before having one). We knew we wanted kids, we knew we wanted time to be married without kids, so we picked a year that made sense to start trying. I'd suggest that time is now or very soon for you -- if you are sure that you want biological kids, and in your early 30s you are in a stable place in your lives, it makes sense to get started. If you were on the fence about having kids at all, I think it would be a different question.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:23 AM on May 6, 2017
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:23 AM on May 6, 2017
For one thing, 98% of us are never really ready, like woke up one day and said "Aha, this is it."
For us, my brother in law had a kid and seemed to be doing ok, and we kinda thought it would be nice for kids to grow up with cousins. (This turned out to be super true, the five of them are super tight and would do anything for each other). Questions about "is this the right time?" or "do we have enough money?" or "are we too old?" never really entered into it. I will echo what was said above is that the kids really make me feel my age (46 now, with an 8 and 5 year old) but I think I am also a much more reflective and appreciative parent than I would have been at 26. The 8 year old will surpass my skiing skill next year but it spurs me to try and stay in shape and take care of myself. But there's really no logic in deciding to have kids and I would caution anyone who tries to plan it out too carefully because I guarantee you in the first week of your baby's life she'll thwart every attempt you've made to plan or control things. Parents who think otherwise go crazy and make their kids crazy.
The other thing that helped spur us on was that family gatherings and holidays were starting to get pretty sad. Like a bunch of old people sitting around staring at each other with nothing to do. It sounds like a dumb reason to have kids, but the thought of my family time being joyless for the rest of my life cracked open the door to thinking about a reality with children.
In the end, we were enormously ambivalent and one night my wife and I were gettin' down and one us said "Should I get a condom out?" and the other said "I'm not sure, maybe not..." and exactly 9 months later baby #1 was born. I am fertile as fuck.
So we put very little thought or planning into it and it's been the best thing that ever happened to us. They are at this very moment pulling each other's hair over who stole whose Lego. It's bliss.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:07 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
For us, my brother in law had a kid and seemed to be doing ok, and we kinda thought it would be nice for kids to grow up with cousins. (This turned out to be super true, the five of them are super tight and would do anything for each other). Questions about "is this the right time?" or "do we have enough money?" or "are we too old?" never really entered into it. I will echo what was said above is that the kids really make me feel my age (46 now, with an 8 and 5 year old) but I think I am also a much more reflective and appreciative parent than I would have been at 26. The 8 year old will surpass my skiing skill next year but it spurs me to try and stay in shape and take care of myself. But there's really no logic in deciding to have kids and I would caution anyone who tries to plan it out too carefully because I guarantee you in the first week of your baby's life she'll thwart every attempt you've made to plan or control things. Parents who think otherwise go crazy and make their kids crazy.
The other thing that helped spur us on was that family gatherings and holidays were starting to get pretty sad. Like a bunch of old people sitting around staring at each other with nothing to do. It sounds like a dumb reason to have kids, but the thought of my family time being joyless for the rest of my life cracked open the door to thinking about a reality with children.
In the end, we were enormously ambivalent and one night my wife and I were gettin' down and one us said "Should I get a condom out?" and the other said "I'm not sure, maybe not..." and exactly 9 months later baby #1 was born. I am fertile as fuck.
So we put very little thought or planning into it and it's been the best thing that ever happened to us. They are at this very moment pulling each other's hair over who stole whose Lego. It's bliss.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:07 AM on May 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Two thoughts:
1, at some point many people get sick of the "awesome, busy lives" thing and start spending most nights at home on the couch. Getting sick of going out all the time is a good sign you're ready for the lifestyle change of kids.
2, I went off birth control but did fertility awareness a la "Taking Control of Your Fertility." I did that knowing that we might more easily accidentally get pregnant. We did in fact accidentally get pregnant, after me doing that for a good couple of years. The timing was not ideal but it felt a bit more like fate and all turned out for the best.
posted by ch1x0r at 11:07 AM on May 6, 2017
1, at some point many people get sick of the "awesome, busy lives" thing and start spending most nights at home on the couch. Getting sick of going out all the time is a good sign you're ready for the lifestyle change of kids.
2, I went off birth control but did fertility awareness a la "Taking Control of Your Fertility." I did that knowing that we might more easily accidentally get pregnant. We did in fact accidentally get pregnant, after me doing that for a good couple of years. The timing was not ideal but it felt a bit more like fate and all turned out for the best.
posted by ch1x0r at 11:07 AM on May 6, 2017
If you're analytical, go to your OBGYN for a fertility workup and get more data. You may have less time than you think, and as has been amply demonstrated here, the process may take longer than you think or require more help than you think. For some of us, it never happens and you may need a super interesting Plan B.
TLDR: give yourself as much runway as possible. You cannot anticipate how much you'll need.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:40 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
TLDR: give yourself as much runway as possible. You cannot anticipate how much you'll need.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:40 AM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
We were in a similar position. I went to my doctor when I was in my early thirties, and she said "how devastated would you be if you didn't have a child?" I said, "Very." And she said, "Start today." This was based a bit on some health issues but mostly on my age. And I'm really grateful she did that, because it did take a while, and the thing that kept me going was the fact that I had time. And then I had time to have another child as well, which I knew I wanted. Yeah, our timing wasn't amazing in terms of our careers/lives, but I don't think it ever would have been, and I avoided the dreadful thinking about "what could've been" had I started earlier.
Also, I would take everything you think you know about having kids and recognize that it probably doesn't mirror reality so you can't really know in more than a vague way how your life will change. I thought I knew everything, had been around a lot of babies, come from a huge family, babysat all the time, and it was just a shock, and not in all the ways I thought. I thought I would hate the tiny baby stage, and I adored it; it was the toddler stage that truly kicked my ass.
posted by caoimhe at 12:06 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also, I would take everything you think you know about having kids and recognize that it probably doesn't mirror reality so you can't really know in more than a vague way how your life will change. I thought I knew everything, had been around a lot of babies, come from a huge family, babysat all the time, and it was just a shock, and not in all the ways I thought. I thought I would hate the tiny baby stage, and I adored it; it was the toddler stage that truly kicked my ass.
posted by caoimhe at 12:06 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you're waiting for some point in time where you change from "wanting kids" to "wanting kids now", that may never happen. It didn't for me. We had to just pick a time where it was feasible, but definitely not ideal, and go for it. Otherwise we would probably have waited at least another four or five years and, for us, that may have made it impossible. In retrospect I wish we had done it much sooner. I was definitely not ready for it, but I never would have been. And at least for me, all the lingering doubts that it wasn't a good idea just melted away when it was no longer a choice.
posted by skewed at 12:27 PM on May 6, 2017
posted by skewed at 12:27 PM on May 6, 2017
Guyagonalize and I are more or less in your position, and we have talked a lot about this over the past few years. These are the main questions which we have tackled to try and address the baby issue.
1. How important is it that we have a child eventually?
2. How old is too old for comfortable pregnancy/parenting for us?
3. How do we feel about fertility treatments? Adoption? Are we prepared for the associated costs?
4. How's our health, mentally and physically? Are there any known issues that may affect fertility?
5. Do we/will we have adequate health insurance?
6. Are we financially stable with adequate savings?
7. Are we geographically stable? Are we okay with moving with a baby?
8. Do we have adequate family/local support and/or can we afford to pay for additional help?
9. Do we have adequate space for a baby?
10. How do we envision handling childcare and/or household duties going forward?
11. What are our work leave policies? How's the kid culture at work generally?
If the answer to the first question is "Very" or even a strong "Kinda", you should probably start trying now. Fertility struggles are extremely common, and it can take awhile even for perfectly healthy people.
Nobody can really answer these questions for you, and while they are mostly academic thought exercises, or at least have been in our case, we've found talking through them to be helpful as far as getting us on the same page.
posted by Diagonalize at 1:29 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. How important is it that we have a child eventually?
2. How old is too old for comfortable pregnancy/parenting for us?
3. How do we feel about fertility treatments? Adoption? Are we prepared for the associated costs?
4. How's our health, mentally and physically? Are there any known issues that may affect fertility?
5. Do we/will we have adequate health insurance?
6. Are we financially stable with adequate savings?
7. Are we geographically stable? Are we okay with moving with a baby?
8. Do we have adequate family/local support and/or can we afford to pay for additional help?
9. Do we have adequate space for a baby?
10. How do we envision handling childcare and/or household duties going forward?
11. What are our work leave policies? How's the kid culture at work generally?
If the answer to the first question is "Very" or even a strong "Kinda", you should probably start trying now. Fertility struggles are extremely common, and it can take awhile even for perfectly healthy people.
Nobody can really answer these questions for you, and while they are mostly academic thought exercises, or at least have been in our case, we've found talking through them to be helpful as far as getting us on the same page.
posted by Diagonalize at 1:29 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was ready to go go go, but my spouse was in that nebulous phase for a long time. What flipped the switch for him was watching his brother & SIL, who are significantly older, have small children in their late 30s. He looked at his brother and said, "Five years from now, I will have wanted to have a baby already." He didn't want to be as tired as they were, and we both wanted to increase the chance that we'd have significant functional time together as a couple *after* kids and, should we be so fortunate, to be active grandparents. (I was a "young mother" by my peers' standards -- we got knocked up with our first when I was 25 and my spouse was 30. Now we have a six year old, and many of my college friends are having their first babies.)
posted by linettasky at 1:43 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by linettasky at 1:43 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was pretty sure I wanted kids at some point, but never really felt an immediate pull and probably could have put it off indefinitely. (And my "want" was less of a longing and more of a "I think I'd really enjoy raising a kid," if that makes sense). I sort of sold it to myself by deciding to go off birth control and "see what happens" for a year, after which we'd start trying in earnest. I figured it'd buy me about six months of time (in reality, it was two, but that was cool).
And I agree with colfax: the nine months of pregnancy are really helpful for getting your mind into the idea of having a kid, plus you get to enjoy the non-parenting life for a little while longer.
As for not being into babies: I never really found babies appealing, and I figured the first couple years of parenting would be super tedious. It turned out that I found my kid fun and fascinating way before I expected to - like, after a couple months. When you get to spend a lot of time up close with a baby, you get to see their personality grow in, and it's pretty neat.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:45 PM on May 6, 2017
And I agree with colfax: the nine months of pregnancy are really helpful for getting your mind into the idea of having a kid, plus you get to enjoy the non-parenting life for a little while longer.
As for not being into babies: I never really found babies appealing, and I figured the first couple years of parenting would be super tedious. It turned out that I found my kid fun and fascinating way before I expected to - like, after a couple months. When you get to spend a lot of time up close with a baby, you get to see their personality grow in, and it's pretty neat.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:45 PM on May 6, 2017
We were flawed people who practiced with a puppy in our thirties and discovered lots of deep things about each other. We had different ideas and opinions and it was good to work that out with a puppy instead of a real human baby. After 3 years of mindful work we wound up with best utility dog ever and thought we could do the baby human thing.
In the interim we paid attention to other people's babies and gladly held them and we both wore glasses. Put your glasses on a baby and watch them watch. It's pretty cool. They understand that perception is fluid.
You can't be squick about your baby. The other adult needs to be both feet into it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:23 PM on May 6, 2017
In the interim we paid attention to other people's babies and gladly held them and we both wore glasses. Put your glasses on a baby and watch them watch. It's pretty cool. They understand that perception is fluid.
You can't be squick about your baby. The other adult needs to be both feet into it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:23 PM on May 6, 2017
I just came in to note that the biological clock strikes earlier if you are thinking to two children.
"We are super analytical people..."
Babies defeat analysis. My daughter thought she saw a good window for a pregnancy. The baby turned out to be twins, she had to spend a lot of time in semi-bed rest, non-baby stuff had to be delayed from her optimistic schedule. But all is well in the end.
Children change your priorities. You may try to trick your partner out of the last piece of cake, but give it willingly to your child.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:05 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
"We are super analytical people..."
Babies defeat analysis. My daughter thought she saw a good window for a pregnancy. The baby turned out to be twins, she had to spend a lot of time in semi-bed rest, non-baby stuff had to be delayed from her optimistic schedule. But all is well in the end.
Children change your priorities. You may try to trick your partner out of the last piece of cake, but give it willingly to your child.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:05 PM on May 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
We bought a house in March, painted it in April, and got pregnant in May on the first try. We bought the house in a location with kids in mind, I had been at my job for almost 2 years and was eligible for FMLA, and I had kick ass health insurance. I was all set to get my free Obamacare breastpump in January 2013 when that benefit started. We got a new, 100% functional washing machine in preparation for baby laundry and cloth diapers (the washing machine was the best baby-related purchase ever). We were ready.
Then we had a preemie in December at a hospital I never expected in a million years to deliver at, no free breastpump available for weeks, and we had to scramble to find one over a holiday weekend after another surprise hospitalization at a different hospital. Then he was diagnosed with a terrifying genetic disorder, and all of our careful working parent plans officially flew out of the window. We had to make a lot of new plans, including jobs and childcare. Then we decided kids would be just singular kid due to genetic risk, and that has been a long-term mental/emotional adjustment.
So. We thought we were ready, and probably we were, but there was no way we could have gotten truly ready for what actually happened. I still don't feel ready for my kid's future, and he's 4 and awesome and sweet and smart and thriving with an incurable, life-threatening disease. I guess that's life?
posted by Maarika at 7:28 PM on May 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Then we had a preemie in December at a hospital I never expected in a million years to deliver at, no free breastpump available for weeks, and we had to scramble to find one over a holiday weekend after another surprise hospitalization at a different hospital. Then he was diagnosed with a terrifying genetic disorder, and all of our careful working parent plans officially flew out of the window. We had to make a lot of new plans, including jobs and childcare. Then we decided kids would be just singular kid due to genetic risk, and that has been a long-term mental/emotional adjustment.
So. We thought we were ready, and probably we were, but there was no way we could have gotten truly ready for what actually happened. I still don't feel ready for my kid's future, and he's 4 and awesome and sweet and smart and thriving with an incurable, life-threatening disease. I guess that's life?
posted by Maarika at 7:28 PM on May 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
I got married when I was newly 26 and my husband was 31. He probably would have been ready for kids right away but I definitely wasn't. I ended up doing a career switch and starting grad school at 28, and I remember that a small part of me was relieved to have a "good" reason to continue deferring kids (though plenty of my classmates had babies during the program). In the meantime, a few other friends started having kids and I started feeling extremely ready during my last year of school (like, we picked names for our future children during the summer before I started my last class) and I had my IUD removed and we started trying in the fall of my last semester when I was 31. I got pregnant on the first try, only to miscarry in a devastating manner three months later, so yeah, this also pretty well sums up my feelings at the time:
make it absolutely crystal-clear to you in a horrible, heartbreaking way how much you want to have kids.
We got pregnant again on the first cycle we were allowed to start trying again, and that one took. You have no idea how much I count my lucky stars for that because I think that experience is very, very, VERY much outside the norm. All of our other friends who have kids took anywhere from close to a year all the way up to five years of solid effort to get and stay pregnant, and it was blindingly obvious how much of a toll the wait took on them.
I'm now pregnant with our second, at age 35, which took us six months to conceive, and that one only happened because I accidentally dislodged my IUD in the shower one day while checking the strings. We'd been talking about a possible second for two years, but always in a vague, non-committal way, but when I went to my OB to get it fully removed and she assumed I wanted a new one put in, I had to be like, "Um...no, I guess I'll take a raincheck on that one." So I feel like my hand was sorta forced on that one, but in a way I'm grateful for because I really could have dithered forever otherwise.
While I'm not sure I would actually change anything about our timeline even if I could (our careers are nicely established, we have more money, I'm glad to have been able to finish grad school without distractions), we both kinda wish all the time that we'd had kids sooner. We definitely feel less...resilient...in our mid-to-late thirties, mostly from a health standpoint. Kids bring home all manner of illnesses, we catch absolutely everything, and it feels like it takes us FOREVER to fully recover. My boss and his wife had their kids in their late twenties, which seems ludicrously early compared how long people wait nowadays and I sometimes feel a bit envious at how free and breezy his life looks gallivanting around town with their six- and eight-year-olds!
Honestly, the tiny baby stage is appealing to no one. But the thing is, they're only tiny for a REALLY SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME. The baby stage is astonishingly short in retrospect; at age one, they're already well on their way out of babyland. My kid is 3 and I feel like we've been solidly in "kid" territory (vs. baby) for ages now. Things that I'm glad we had ready in advance: good health insurance, a decent leave policy (well, you know, by American standards), and some emergency cash savings. Everything else was kinda whatever. We ended up selling our house and buying/moving to a new one when our daughter was not quite a year and it was fine. By the time we starting moving forward with having kids, I felt like we'd done plenty of traveling and eating out and going to shows and trying new activities, and was fine with taking a break from it for awhile; I knew the chance to do so would come around again, and already it has, it just takes a little more planning and communication.
posted by anderjen at 8:33 AM on May 7, 2017
make it absolutely crystal-clear to you in a horrible, heartbreaking way how much you want to have kids.
We got pregnant again on the first cycle we were allowed to start trying again, and that one took. You have no idea how much I count my lucky stars for that because I think that experience is very, very, VERY much outside the norm. All of our other friends who have kids took anywhere from close to a year all the way up to five years of solid effort to get and stay pregnant, and it was blindingly obvious how much of a toll the wait took on them.
I'm now pregnant with our second, at age 35, which took us six months to conceive, and that one only happened because I accidentally dislodged my IUD in the shower one day while checking the strings. We'd been talking about a possible second for two years, but always in a vague, non-committal way, but when I went to my OB to get it fully removed and she assumed I wanted a new one put in, I had to be like, "Um...no, I guess I'll take a raincheck on that one." So I feel like my hand was sorta forced on that one, but in a way I'm grateful for because I really could have dithered forever otherwise.
While I'm not sure I would actually change anything about our timeline even if I could (our careers are nicely established, we have more money, I'm glad to have been able to finish grad school without distractions), we both kinda wish all the time that we'd had kids sooner. We definitely feel less...resilient...in our mid-to-late thirties, mostly from a health standpoint. Kids bring home all manner of illnesses, we catch absolutely everything, and it feels like it takes us FOREVER to fully recover. My boss and his wife had their kids in their late twenties, which seems ludicrously early compared how long people wait nowadays and I sometimes feel a bit envious at how free and breezy his life looks gallivanting around town with their six- and eight-year-olds!
Honestly, the tiny baby stage is appealing to no one. But the thing is, they're only tiny for a REALLY SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME. The baby stage is astonishingly short in retrospect; at age one, they're already well on their way out of babyland. My kid is 3 and I feel like we've been solidly in "kid" territory (vs. baby) for ages now. Things that I'm glad we had ready in advance: good health insurance, a decent leave policy (well, you know, by American standards), and some emergency cash savings. Everything else was kinda whatever. We ended up selling our house and buying/moving to a new one when our daughter was not quite a year and it was fine. By the time we starting moving forward with having kids, I felt like we'd done plenty of traveling and eating out and going to shows and trying new activities, and was fine with taking a break from it for awhile; I knew the chance to do so would come around again, and already it has, it just takes a little more planning and communication.
posted by anderjen at 8:33 AM on May 7, 2017
My mom passed away suddenly from metastasized breast cancer when I was 32. Before then, my husband and I were like "Yeah, we want kids. We'll get around to it someday." I don't want to make it sound like I got pregnant to make my dad or my family happy -- things snapped into focus, my priorities changed, and I internally felt this incredibly urgent push to start a family.
posted by spec80 at 9:22 AM on May 8, 2017
posted by spec80 at 9:22 AM on May 8, 2017
We've been talking a bit about this in an FB group for parents / expecting / hopeful parents we started - memail me if you'd like to join, any of you / your partners! -
Looking back at a number of my life decisions, I think I spent too much time trying to get specifically "ready" for things I generally wanted - to be married to my husband, to start trying for a baby, to start trying for the second baby...
And I wish I had had less apprehension / appreciated how quickly time goes by anyway. I mean it passes whether you're still puttering around preparing or you have the thing you want. So why not have the thing you want? Nowadays I feel less inclined to spend so much energy planning, and more willing to just plunge in and DO very imperfectly. I feel like parenthood makes very clear that the theoretical is meaningless.
posted by sestaaak at 10:46 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Looking back at a number of my life decisions, I think I spent too much time trying to get specifically "ready" for things I generally wanted - to be married to my husband, to start trying for a baby, to start trying for the second baby...
And I wish I had had less apprehension / appreciated how quickly time goes by anyway. I mean it passes whether you're still puttering around preparing or you have the thing you want. So why not have the thing you want? Nowadays I feel less inclined to spend so much energy planning, and more willing to just plunge in and DO very imperfectly. I feel like parenthood makes very clear that the theoretical is meaningless.
posted by sestaaak at 10:46 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
In a bit of a twist of thought process, have you considered adopting or fostering older children?
You mention neither of you are particularly interested or drawn to infants/babies, and don't mention if conceiving is a Thing you actually want. Fostering older kids (even starting with toddlers) can be incredibly rewarding, and these kids are often overlooked and hard to foster/adopt out, especially the older they get and the more their personalities are developed.
posted by TWTBoy at 8:35 AM on May 15, 2017
You mention neither of you are particularly interested or drawn to infants/babies, and don't mention if conceiving is a Thing you actually want. Fostering older kids (even starting with toddlers) can be incredibly rewarding, and these kids are often overlooked and hard to foster/adopt out, especially the older they get and the more their personalities are developed.
posted by TWTBoy at 8:35 AM on May 15, 2017
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I also had no wish to be labeled "Advanced Maternal Age" (35+), although plenty of people have perfectly successful pregnancies as "AMA".
Don't worry, you can still be spontaneous and try different things with a kid. Just not in the same way, and not the same things. :-)
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:30 AM on May 6, 2017 [23 favorites]