colleague has anger management issues
January 13, 2017 11:14 AM   Subscribe

One of my coworkers recently had a dramatic outburst that culminated in him screaming at me to stop talking. I don't think he's going to get fired. I have also experienced physical and verbal abuse in a previous relationship and in my childhood. I do not cope well with hostility directed at me, especially by men. How do I get on with work?

To summarise, someone I work with was growing increasingly irritated that our office computers were malfunctioning so that our Internet-based telephones were also working intermittently. For all of us, this meant that the phones would not display when we had missed calls. Some of the phones started to display missed calls again, and when he saw this, he made a snide comment to everyone in the office that it would be nice if other people besides him would make an effort to pick up the phones. Someone explained that there had been issues with the phone. I seconded this and expressed that I had alo had issues but before I could finish explaining myself, my coworker screamed at me to stop talking, and then he promptly stormed out of the room while telling us all that we don't do anything.

A few minutes later, he came back into the office and was in a seemingly better mood. By now, I was trying really hard not to cry but I composed an email explaining what I thought the tech issues were. I wrote that it wasn't anyone's fault, that I understand malfunctions are frustrating but everyone in the office has been working really hard, and we could just call it a faultless error. I wrote the email because I wanted to defend my other coworkers that he was berating. As soon as he read this email, he shouted "BULLSHIT" and came to the desk across from mine and started screaming, "What the fuck were you doing? Why the fuck didn't you do anything about it? Stop talking, just stop talking." He was holding him arms out and puffing his chest out as he screamed at me.

A female coworker intervened and said, "This is abusive, you need to stop shouting and bring any issues you have up at a group meeting." He rolled his eyes and left the office. After he left, we decided to make a report to our manager as this is not the first time he has had at an outburst but to my knowledge, this is possibly the most aggressive he has ever been. We never reported it before because we wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's become evident now that this is a pattern.

In case it's relevant, in terms of office dynamics, we are already a small office, but at the time of this event, there were only four people in the office: myself, this shout-y colleague, my assistant and the assistant for another service. Aside from my shout-y colleague, everyone in the office at the time of the incident was a young (early to mid 20s) female. No one in the office is this person's subordinate. Actually, I manage one department in this office, but not his.

I contacted my manager and explained to her that due to a history of experiencing physical and verbal abuse in my past, I do not feel comfortable working with this person until she is able to have a meeting with him. As she is out of our city, she is not able to do this until next week. We agreed that I can work remotely until we find a resolution. She has been calling me every day to ask me how I'm doing. I say that I'm fine. For the most part, I am getting on with the work I need to do but occassionally my eyes do glaze over and I start to think about past trauma.

After the incident, I had to go to the office to pick up my laptop so I could work from home. I was only there for 45 minutes but having to be in the office for even that short duration left me shaking at my desk and trying to fight back tears. I've previously worked in social services so I'm not averse to conflict, but the level of one-sided hostility displayed in this incident absolutely floored me.

My question for AskMeFi is: how do I continue to work with this person when I do not feel safe around this person? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells so I don't get screamed at.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (5 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex

 
"I contacted my manager and explained to her that due to a history of experiencing physical and verbal abuse in my past, I do not feel comfortable working with this person"

I don't know that I have any specific advice but I do want to say that most people, regardless of a history of abuse, would not feel comfortable working with this person. Your manager has an obligation to take care of this issue regardless of the past experiences of the other people in the office. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the inexcusably agressive behavior of your coworker.
posted by mcduff at 11:35 AM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]


This is blatant physical intimidation, and I don't think I'd like to work for a company that tolerated that in their employees.

My first step would be to make sure my direct supervisor knew that direct action needs to be taken. It sounds like she is sympathetic and understanding, but does she know the full extent of the problem? Make sure she does, and don't sugar coat it. It seems to me that this guy, in front of witnesses, verbally accosted you, and made implicit physical threats. If you can't work from home forever and if they can't or won't move the guy or fire him, it may be best to polish up the résumé and consider finding other employment. It might help others if you can explain what the HR situation is like, but I'm generally of the opinion that HR is to protect the company first, and employees second. This guy sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen, so maybe firing him is the best way to protect the company.

Sorry, this sucks.
posted by SaltySalticid at 11:36 AM on January 13, 2017 [6 favorites]


I would imagine that your HR department has a disruptive/abusive behavior policy in place here that may be useful to you.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:37 AM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]


I would advise leaving your own past out of it at work -- they may use it against you. Do whatever you need to do for yourself, in light of that history -- but don't include it in the work issue.

This guy's behavior is -completely- unprofessional and unacceptable; there is no need to rationalize your lack of acceptance of it.
posted by Dashy at 11:49 AM on January 13, 2017 [6 favorites]


Speak to HR. I work in a corporate environment and this behavior would get someone fired. It needs to be documented.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 11:50 AM on January 13, 2017


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