How do I make myself more unhappy to be a good activist?
November 20, 2016 6:37 AM   Subscribe

I worked hard to make a life for myself that was worth living. Then Trump was elected. I know I don't deserve that happiness anymore. How do I sustain four years of anger and suffering?

I recently got a job opportunity that could open huge doors for me. I was feeling better mental health wise, considering a move, and so excited about the future. Then the election happened, and I lost all progress I made over years. I have tried to kill myself three times so I do not have to live in this new world, something I've never done before, because I know my future is nothing but misery and perhaps death.

I read a lot of Activist Twitter (to the exclusion of most else), and the general consensus seems to be I must sustain a burning anger and sadness and fear for four years or more, or I'm normalizing the situation and allowing fascism to happen. I briefly spoke to a therapist, and she gave me the wonderful permission to put myself first. For a few days I felt great - I let myself watch tv, go to the bathroom when I wanted, listen to music, and I feel asleep without crying and woke up without screaming. I was in heaven.

Then I read some more from current activists, and realized this was wrong. I apparently woke up talking in my sleep the other day "I'm too comfortable take me out of the bed." I know therapy practices that were ok in the old world we lived in will just lead to complacency now, and I desire to be good and not evil.

I try to punish myself as much as I can (slapping myself in the face hard is big right now), now that I know I'm not supposed to be "too comfortable", complacent, or someone who opens a path to fascism. Feeling better was just a sign I was doing wrong. My friends and family tell me I don't need to do this to myself, but I don't believe them.

I make sure I am always in a bit of physical pain, even though doing things like showering and watching movies and just relaxing with my family feel incredible. I can't allow myself to forget life is an endless nightmare and people less lucky than me are suffering. I read the news and seek out confrontational activism on my social media networks until I burst into tears or puke, then I keep going. I've been crying a lot, but I know it's good for me. Self-care is extended to the very basics - I know that's what's allowed, a few sips of water, etc. Cultivating my constant anger is hard for me. I'm not a naturally angry person, and it's giving me major gastric problems, but I've also been told that's what I must do, so I will. I make sure I read about how people in the marginalized groups I belong to will probably die and that we live in a hopeless apocalypse without end.

I'm not looking for suggestions for ways to do activism - I have TONS of them, and once I am fully recovered from my suicide attempts I plan to do them to the exclusion of all else. I know I'm allowed to take breaks, but that means half-hour breaks, not the indulgence I've allowed myself.

I have considered giving my life savings to the ACLU, as well as possibly going on a hunger strike. I am not, at heart, an activist, and truly all I want is to just go back to my old life, be happy, and do my career. I've had a very, very hard life and I don't want the rest of it to be any more miserable than it has to be. But I know that's not possible now. So, how do I sustain this lifestyle and stay alive - or is there, maybe, another way?
posted by colorblock sock to Health & Fitness (1 answer total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Hello, I'm sorry, but this is not right or okay for you. You are absolutely not required to suffer. This is a bit beyond readers' ability to help but please see your therapist as soon as possible as an emergency and show her this question. In the meantime, also check the There Is Help wiki. -- taz

 
Keeping yourself angry and fearful is not healthy at all. If you feel that you can be happy and comfortable, then by all means be healthy and comfortable. And then do your best to use that reservoir of happiness and comfort to share some of it with others. The world needs strong, healthy and happy people who have compassion and empathy.

Life is not an endless nightmare and it shouldn't be. Keeping yourself in physical pain or going on a hunger strike is not in any way productive. Try to find ways to lessen other people's pain, not increase your own.

You are allowed to be healthy, happy and comfortable. Please try to believe your friends, family and therapist when they tell you this.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:45 AM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


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