Looking for advice, found out my girlfriend has transphobic views
October 3, 2016 5:59 AM Subscribe
Firstly, I just want to point out that we are both cisgendered, she's nearly 21 and I'm 24. Basically, I'm stuck what to do, if I knew that she held these views I don't know if I would have started dating her in the first place. I know you can't change another person's views and that arguing often has the opposite of the intended effect. My ethical and political views are very important to me I do love her and we've been together for nearly a year now, but I find it deeply upsetting that she holds transphobic views, it would be like finding out if someone you'd been with was secretly prejudiced towards a different minority group. She is fairly young and it took me a while to develop my views but I don't think this can be a good excuse for bigotry, although she clearly doesn't see it as that. To me there's a difference to being transphobic through ignorance and deliberately reading these hateful views. It makes me question what other views and opinions that I assumed she held
I found out yesterday after she told me that she is reading the book *Gender Hurts: A Feminist Analysis of the Politics of Transgenderism* by Sheila Jeffereys. I looked the book up out of curiosity, and it turns out that it's written by a radical feminist, of the transphobic variety.
A review I found:
"This book is vile. The authors misgender transgender people throughout the book, quote the t-slur, give detailed account of the supposed smell of trans women's vaginas. Full of flawed logic, double standards and cissexism. Awful read."
Another:
"Again another champion of prejudice and bigotry is given a platform to broadcast their personal axes to grind. Jeffreys is a strong adherent to Janice Raymond, whose research and writings have been shown to be bias given legitimacy via academia. Consistent denigration, by use of improper pronouns shows how the author considers the members of the transgender community as sub-human. Her use of the term transgender as a noun and verb, it is an adjective by the way, is offensive to me and just about every member of the community. The only ones this book hurts is those that are the targets of her bigotry and venom."
I was upset that she would be reading a book like this and asked her more about her views to do with gender and transgender people. She told me that she sees all gender as socially constructed and that just because a man dresses up as a woman, that doesn't make them a woman, she feels sorry for people that go through sex-reassignment surgery and that transwomen reinforce harmful ideas about femininity and what it means to be a woman. Her view is that gender shouldn't exist and that it's used as a tool to subjugate women. She also feels that trans women shouldn't be allowed in 'women only spaces' because they aren't women. She made the point of comparing it to a white person saying that they're a black person, which I pointed out is completely not the same thing.
I agreed with her that gender is socially constructed but stated my views that your gender identity isn't what you are assigned at birth, it's what you identify as. Anyone who identifies as a woman is a woman and should be allowed to be a part of 'women only spaces'. I also tried to get across to her the discrimination and violence trans* people face and the privilege that comes with being cisgendered, but I couldn't get through or change her mind.
Coming from someone I love, her opinions made me feel sick to the stomach and filled me with a sense of dread. I knew that she identified as a feminist, but didn't realise that she identified with the transphobic variety. I found it deeply upsetting to hear and as a result I was dominating the conversation, didn't listen to her views fully because I disagreed with them so heavily. I told her things like you need to read trans people's perspectives and she said she already had and that I can't tell her what she should and should not be reading. I know that I really upset her and she kept saying you're not listening to me and things along those lines. I told her that she was being transphobic, but that wasn't well received and upset her further.
I found out yesterday after she told me that she is reading the book *Gender Hurts: A Feminist Analysis of the Politics of Transgenderism* by Sheila Jeffereys. I looked the book up out of curiosity, and it turns out that it's written by a radical feminist, of the transphobic variety.
A review I found:
"This book is vile. The authors misgender transgender people throughout the book, quote the t-slur, give detailed account of the supposed smell of trans women's vaginas. Full of flawed logic, double standards and cissexism. Awful read."
Another:
"Again another champion of prejudice and bigotry is given a platform to broadcast their personal axes to grind. Jeffreys is a strong adherent to Janice Raymond, whose research and writings have been shown to be bias given legitimacy via academia. Consistent denigration, by use of improper pronouns shows how the author considers the members of the transgender community as sub-human. Her use of the term transgender as a noun and verb, it is an adjective by the way, is offensive to me and just about every member of the community. The only ones this book hurts is those that are the targets of her bigotry and venom."
I was upset that she would be reading a book like this and asked her more about her views to do with gender and transgender people. She told me that she sees all gender as socially constructed and that just because a man dresses up as a woman, that doesn't make them a woman, she feels sorry for people that go through sex-reassignment surgery and that transwomen reinforce harmful ideas about femininity and what it means to be a woman. Her view is that gender shouldn't exist and that it's used as a tool to subjugate women. She also feels that trans women shouldn't be allowed in 'women only spaces' because they aren't women. She made the point of comparing it to a white person saying that they're a black person, which I pointed out is completely not the same thing.
I agreed with her that gender is socially constructed but stated my views that your gender identity isn't what you are assigned at birth, it's what you identify as. Anyone who identifies as a woman is a woman and should be allowed to be a part of 'women only spaces'. I also tried to get across to her the discrimination and violence trans* people face and the privilege that comes with being cisgendered, but I couldn't get through or change her mind.
Coming from someone I love, her opinions made me feel sick to the stomach and filled me with a sense of dread. I knew that she identified as a feminist, but didn't realise that she identified with the transphobic variety. I found it deeply upsetting to hear and as a result I was dominating the conversation, didn't listen to her views fully because I disagreed with them so heavily. I told her things like you need to read trans people's perspectives and she said she already had and that I can't tell her what she should and should not be reading. I know that I really upset her and she kept saying you're not listening to me and things along those lines. I told her that she was being transphobic, but that wasn't well received and upset her further.
This post was deleted for the following reason: A few problems here; please contact us if you'd like to discuss -- taz
Response by poster: Sorry, I was unclear. My question, is what should I do now I found out she holds these views. I've given her space because I know she's still really upset about the argument.
posted by fallingleaves at 6:17 AM on October 3, 2016
posted by fallingleaves at 6:17 AM on October 3, 2016
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posted by cooker girl at 6:12 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]