To block or not to block; that is the question...
September 5, 2016 3:29 AM Subscribe
Do I give someone I was once very close to a heads-up about blocking him on FB?
Dave and I had a very intimate relationship, talked/texted every day, and basically had a very high degree of personal interaction on multiple levels for a long time. He was my go-to person for everything. Nothing held back; we loved each other, and said so. Then everything fell apart. Crushing words were said. We have not spoken, emailed, texted, or anything on a personal level, since last winter.
That he still "interacts" on FB, but can't be arsed to actually contact me or have a real conversation, hurts like a mofo, and I am oh-so-tired of it. It makes me feel relegated to the status of every other rando person, and is an insult to what we had. Just seeing "Like" from him on a post or comment of mine, is enough to push me to enragement.
I ignore everything he says/does on FB. I never acknowledge any of his actions in any way; on my page or his, or anyone we know in common. For me, on FB, it's like he does not exist. I know I can do all sorts of things to effectively push someone out of my FB world short of actual blocking. And I have done all those things. I default-post to a narrower audience that Dave is not a member of. But there always seems to be something that makes it through... and it just hurts so much, all over again. (I'd quit FB entirely but I have to be there for work.)
If I do not give any advance warning:
- If all of a sudden you found that someone you'd once been very close to, but with whom you'd very much drifted away from (and FB was the only means of "connection" with that person), had blocked you, what would your reaction be?
If I do advance-warn:
- How would you react if you got a "pre-FB-blocking heads-up" communication from someone, in this type of situation?
I've dithered over this for months now. I've almost done it a couple of times, but for some reason I have not been able to pull the trigger. Right now, today, it feels like the only thing that makes sense. I don't want to just unfriend, I want to block. I need to take away that power to hurt me.
Part of me wonders if I am just poking the bear to force Dave to talk to me like a real person again... that he "owes" me that. But there is not the slightest guarantee that would occur. I'm certainly not banking on it. To be able to go on FB and know I will no longer be ambushed by some comment, picture etc. from or about him is a very appealing thought.
Dave and I had a very intimate relationship, talked/texted every day, and basically had a very high degree of personal interaction on multiple levels for a long time. He was my go-to person for everything. Nothing held back; we loved each other, and said so. Then everything fell apart. Crushing words were said. We have not spoken, emailed, texted, or anything on a personal level, since last winter.
That he still "interacts" on FB, but can't be arsed to actually contact me or have a real conversation, hurts like a mofo, and I am oh-so-tired of it. It makes me feel relegated to the status of every other rando person, and is an insult to what we had. Just seeing "Like" from him on a post or comment of mine, is enough to push me to enragement.
I ignore everything he says/does on FB. I never acknowledge any of his actions in any way; on my page or his, or anyone we know in common. For me, on FB, it's like he does not exist. I know I can do all sorts of things to effectively push someone out of my FB world short of actual blocking. And I have done all those things. I default-post to a narrower audience that Dave is not a member of. But there always seems to be something that makes it through... and it just hurts so much, all over again. (I'd quit FB entirely but I have to be there for work.)
If I do not give any advance warning:
- If all of a sudden you found that someone you'd once been very close to, but with whom you'd very much drifted away from (and FB was the only means of "connection" with that person), had blocked you, what would your reaction be?
If I do advance-warn:
- How would you react if you got a "pre-FB-blocking heads-up" communication from someone, in this type of situation?
I've dithered over this for months now. I've almost done it a couple of times, but for some reason I have not been able to pull the trigger. Right now, today, it feels like the only thing that makes sense. I don't want to just unfriend, I want to block. I need to take away that power to hurt me.
Part of me wonders if I am just poking the bear to force Dave to talk to me like a real person again... that he "owes" me that. But there is not the slightest guarantee that would occur. I'm certainly not banking on it. To be able to go on FB and know I will no longer be ambushed by some comment, picture etc. from or about him is a very appealing thought.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Yep, just block him. Once you don't see anything from him at all, you'll be surprised at how fast you forget he even exists.
posted by Jubey at 3:36 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:36 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
The question you need to ask is, what exactly is the meaning of being 'friends' with someone on Facebook if you're no longer friends in real life?
posted by Kwadeng at 3:55 AM on September 5, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Kwadeng at 3:55 AM on September 5, 2016 [9 favorites]
Is Dave your ex? Or your ex-friend? It's hard to tell.
I have been sort of in this situation with a friend. We had been pretty close, shared hard times, fun times, parenting philosophies etc. I always found her to be a bit full-on and needy in some ways (like we always had to meet near her home, not mine, but not IN her home because she felt my kids were too messy (they have special needs but were still being diagnosed back then, I won't defend their messiness BUT I have always cleaned up before leaving and made good on any damage (as in replaced the shampoo my and her eldest kids conspired to pour down the drain)). Anyway I liked her, and just accepted this state of affairs.
Then a few years ago she was going through a tough time as a close friend of hers had moved away. I was going through a similarly tough time (kids' diagnosis process) but didn't take it to her as I knew she was already struggling. In the middle of that time I broke very loose plans with her (I had said I might stop by a park near her house where she was already meeting another family, but then sleet was forecast, an earlier appointment to see the registrar to arrange our marriage came up, and I cancelled in favour of that). I guess she had REALLY wanted to see me, as what followed was a very harsh message, crushing words indeed, from her to me, telling me what a horrible friend I was and how it was boring/unacceptable that I was prioritising my partner and constantly breaking plans (I should say, it was the second time I had broken plans on her, the first all my kids were projectile vomiting, and I would never have done it if I'd been meeting her, rather than coming along to where she was already meeting someone else). I was really shocked and then gutted, cried for a couple days, came right OFF Facebook for about a month.
When I went back on I found reading her posts similarly painful, so I unfollowed her. But then I could still see when she posted on mutual friends' posts, and it was really painful to me that her times looked up again quite quickly, whereas two years later the Fates in charge of my life are still digging! She would post about feeling alone and forty people she'd often complained about to me would offer to come take her for coffee, and I would think that I was a good friend to her and she was so mean to me, with such apparent ease, but was kind to these people she purportedly disliked. It hurt.
So I blocked her. I didn't warn her or anyone else. The last communication we had was her unkind message to me (which I never responded to because I didn't know what to say).
Time heals some of it. I am still hurt that she treated me that way. I think the friend who moved away was the real source of her feelings of abandonment and longing and disillusionment, and I am angry that she lashed out at me with them. But people say stuff when they are upset. I wish her well in life. But I KNOW that I would find it painful still to have to read about her life, so she remains blocked.
So my advice is block, without a word, and let your hurts begin to heal.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 4:03 AM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have been sort of in this situation with a friend. We had been pretty close, shared hard times, fun times, parenting philosophies etc. I always found her to be a bit full-on and needy in some ways (like we always had to meet near her home, not mine, but not IN her home because she felt my kids were too messy (they have special needs but were still being diagnosed back then, I won't defend their messiness BUT I have always cleaned up before leaving and made good on any damage (as in replaced the shampoo my and her eldest kids conspired to pour down the drain)). Anyway I liked her, and just accepted this state of affairs.
Then a few years ago she was going through a tough time as a close friend of hers had moved away. I was going through a similarly tough time (kids' diagnosis process) but didn't take it to her as I knew she was already struggling. In the middle of that time I broke very loose plans with her (I had said I might stop by a park near her house where she was already meeting another family, but then sleet was forecast, an earlier appointment to see the registrar to arrange our marriage came up, and I cancelled in favour of that). I guess she had REALLY wanted to see me, as what followed was a very harsh message, crushing words indeed, from her to me, telling me what a horrible friend I was and how it was boring/unacceptable that I was prioritising my partner and constantly breaking plans (I should say, it was the second time I had broken plans on her, the first all my kids were projectile vomiting, and I would never have done it if I'd been meeting her, rather than coming along to where she was already meeting someone else). I was really shocked and then gutted, cried for a couple days, came right OFF Facebook for about a month.
When I went back on I found reading her posts similarly painful, so I unfollowed her. But then I could still see when she posted on mutual friends' posts, and it was really painful to me that her times looked up again quite quickly, whereas two years later the Fates in charge of my life are still digging! She would post about feeling alone and forty people she'd often complained about to me would offer to come take her for coffee, and I would think that I was a good friend to her and she was so mean to me, with such apparent ease, but was kind to these people she purportedly disliked. It hurt.
So I blocked her. I didn't warn her or anyone else. The last communication we had was her unkind message to me (which I never responded to because I didn't know what to say).
Time heals some of it. I am still hurt that she treated me that way. I think the friend who moved away was the real source of her feelings of abandonment and longing and disillusionment, and I am angry that she lashed out at me with them. But people say stuff when they are upset. I wish her well in life. But I KNOW that I would find it painful still to have to read about her life, so she remains blocked.
So my advice is block, without a word, and let your hurts begin to heal.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 4:03 AM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]
I don't see any upside in telling him. Just block and move on with your life.
posted by The Monkey at 4:21 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by The Monkey at 4:21 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just block. Telling him only sounds appealing because you want him to be hurt or at least react in some way. He won't. Rip the bandaid off now. You can do this.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:29 AM on September 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:29 AM on September 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
Telling someone you're blocking them runs counter to the purpose of blocking them; it keeps the drama fresh and gives them a reason to try and talk to you again. And if he talks to you again it's just gonna keep the hurt going.
Just block him, or unfriend him if you don't want to go scorched-earth. Either he'll figure out why pretty quickly, or he never will.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:42 AM on September 5, 2016 [15 favorites]
Just block him, or unfriend him if you don't want to go scorched-earth. Either he'll figure out why pretty quickly, or he never will.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:42 AM on September 5, 2016 [15 favorites]
The questions as to what we'd do if we were blocked are tricky to answer because his motivation for not responding to you is unknown. Asking suggests that you want to do it to affect him - give him a nudge or a wake-up call. You can't let go and keep prodding. Whether he's silent or responsive, you'll be hooked back in again.
For your sake, block him. Don't tell him anything. You'll find acceptance.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 4:55 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
For your sake, block him. Don't tell him anything. You'll find acceptance.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 4:55 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
There's unfriending and there's blocking. They are different and they send different messages and affect Facebook interactions differently. Unfriending means you'll still see each other on Facebook. Blocking means he won't see you, anything you write and conversations you have with mutual friends on facebook will look one sided as he wont be able to see that you've been in the thread.
Block him.
It feels sooooo good. (Don't judge me, but I love doing it to people who aren't good for my equilibrium. Unfriending is for people you've drifted away from. Blocking is nuclear. And very satisfying.)
posted by taff at 5:17 AM on September 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
Block him.
It feels sooooo good. (Don't judge me, but I love doing it to people who aren't good for my equilibrium. Unfriending is for people you've drifted away from. Blocking is nuclear. And very satisfying.)
posted by taff at 5:17 AM on September 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
Honey, just block him. *IF* he realizes you've blocked him, he can deal with whatever emotions ensue like a big boy. But Facebook doesn't notify the block-ee in any way. He just won't see your posts anymore.
posted by shiny blue object at 5:44 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by shiny blue object at 5:44 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You don't owe this guy anything, he isn't going to change, just fade out completely.
posted by freethefeet at 3:32 AM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]