It's Like Herding Cats
August 12, 2016 8:51 AM Subscribe
How do I get a group of women together once a month for a game night when everyone has varying degrees of responsiveness?
For the past several years, I've been trying to get a group together to play Mah Jongg. I did this in my previous town and it was incredibly fun and rewarding and best of all, regular. We played once a week.
Here in New Town, we play once every few months if we're lucky because it is so hard to get everyone to agree to a date and even then, people are dropping at the last minute. This is a big deal because in order to have a game, you need 4 people, minimum. This wasn't an issue in Old Town because we really enjoyed each other's company and playing and made an effort to be there.
In New Town, we have six women from different areas ranging up to 50 miles and we take this into consideration - we do carpooling, vary the location, etc. When we all get-together, we have a blast and everyone really enjoys it. But, the next month, I send out the email, and I get a range of responses from a) none, b) I might be available, let me check my calendar and then no further response to c) OMG I need to play now, get your bodies over here. The result is that we finally hit on a date after much emailing back and forth and then we lose one person due to some unforeseen circumstance and we have to cancel because we don't have 4 (which is not negotiable. We need to have four to play).
I'm getting incredibly frustrated by trying to coordinate all this when I can't get more than one or two people at a time to commit. I tried getting the other uber player to take over coordinating and she wasn't interested. Should I just pick a date and see if everyone can make it? The inertia of the emailing is killing me.
For the past several years, I've been trying to get a group together to play Mah Jongg. I did this in my previous town and it was incredibly fun and rewarding and best of all, regular. We played once a week.
Here in New Town, we play once every few months if we're lucky because it is so hard to get everyone to agree to a date and even then, people are dropping at the last minute. This is a big deal because in order to have a game, you need 4 people, minimum. This wasn't an issue in Old Town because we really enjoyed each other's company and playing and made an effort to be there.
In New Town, we have six women from different areas ranging up to 50 miles and we take this into consideration - we do carpooling, vary the location, etc. When we all get-together, we have a blast and everyone really enjoys it. But, the next month, I send out the email, and I get a range of responses from a) none, b) I might be available, let me check my calendar and then no further response to c) OMG I need to play now, get your bodies over here. The result is that we finally hit on a date after much emailing back and forth and then we lose one person due to some unforeseen circumstance and we have to cancel because we don't have 4 (which is not negotiable. We need to have four to play).
I'm getting incredibly frustrated by trying to coordinate all this when I can't get more than one or two people at a time to commit. I tried getting the other uber player to take over coordinating and she wasn't interested. Should I just pick a date and see if everyone can make it? The inertia of the emailing is killing me.
Can you just make the game a set night every month (first Monday of the month) and invite a few other people to partake so that you're more likely to have the minimum number of players even if it's a bad day for everyone?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:58 AM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:58 AM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Pick a standing monthly date (2nd Friday, 3rd Monday, etc.) and location (I understand this is hard with the current group being geographically spread, but pick something reasonably central to the least flaky folks).
Bring Mah jongg AND a couple games that you can play with 2 or 3 people (I'm thinking Go, chess, standard deck card games).
Commit yourself to always being there (until you get the ball rolling). Send reminders a week out and a day out that Mah Jongg-or-other-games will be happening.
Consider expanding the invite group (maybe form a Meetup group?) so you can get more "core" folks.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:58 AM on August 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Bring Mah jongg AND a couple games that you can play with 2 or 3 people (I'm thinking Go, chess, standard deck card games).
Commit yourself to always being there (until you get the ball rolling). Send reminders a week out and a day out that Mah Jongg-or-other-games will be happening.
Consider expanding the invite group (maybe form a Meetup group?) so you can get more "core" folks.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:58 AM on August 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
1. For logistics, I recommend Team Snap. It's free for small groups and you can set up auto reminders for people to RSVP. I have a club group that uses it and we have it set to suggest a weekly meeting (at a set date/time). If we have enough confirmed people by 3 days ahead, we meet that week.
2. Assuming you want to meet up primarily as a social group, can you have a backup game ready if you don't have exactly 4 people? There are so many great card/board games out there that you could try, and it makes it way easier to pick a set date and time.
3. You can also alternate who plans (and even assign this out a year in advance for a group that meets monthly). If people experience the work of planning themselves regularly, it creates more engagement and willingness to prioritize the commitment.
posted by veery at 8:59 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
2. Assuming you want to meet up primarily as a social group, can you have a backup game ready if you don't have exactly 4 people? There are so many great card/board games out there that you could try, and it makes it way easier to pick a set date and time.
3. You can also alternate who plans (and even assign this out a year in advance for a group that meets monthly). If people experience the work of planning themselves regularly, it creates more engagement and willingness to prioritize the commitment.
posted by veery at 8:59 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In my experience Gaming As A Grown-Up, there are two types of people in the world: people who are willing to prioritize and commit to and show up to a regular gaming event because they recognize that being unreliable harms the whole group, and people who think of any kind of game as a leisure activity that is never going to be a high priority that they will expend only minimal effort to attend reliably.
The best you can do is to be willing to be flexible and work around/with the latter type, while you keep meeting new people until you have a core group of the former type.
posted by BrashTech at 9:04 AM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
The best you can do is to be willing to be flexible and work around/with the latter type, while you keep meeting new people until you have a core group of the former type.
posted by BrashTech at 9:04 AM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Set a specific recurring day, like every third Wednesday or whatever, and people can either come or not. Sure, the first few times might be hard to get going, but a recurring calendar event is really super easy to plan around. If the game is a priority, they'll make the date work. If the game isn't enough of a priority to look at their calendar a couple weeks out and say to an alternate engagement "oh, no, I have a thing that night," then guess what--that person would have been a pita to plan around anyway and you can stop feeling bad about them.
Consistency is going to make your life as a planner so so so much easier.
Also, it's really super extra great because if someone's whinging about not liking it, you can be all ok hey that's great, YOU plan it from now on! and either it becomes not your problem anymore because someone else is doing the planning or (more likely) the complainer shuts tf up. Win-win.
can you tell I have to plan a lot of things
posted by phunniemee at 9:06 AM on August 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
Consistency is going to make your life as a planner so so so much easier.
Also, it's really super extra great because if someone's whinging about not liking it, you can be all ok hey that's great, YOU plan it from now on! and either it becomes not your problem anymore because someone else is doing the planning or (more likely) the complainer shuts tf up. Win-win.
can you tell I have to plan a lot of things
posted by phunniemee at 9:06 AM on August 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
I agree on having a set night for people to schedule around helps a lot, but I also play mahj with three people occasionally (with a fake fourth player) and am happy to tell you how we arrange that if you want to Memail me!
posted by leesh at 9:17 AM on August 12, 2016
posted by leesh at 9:17 AM on August 12, 2016
This is a constant problem with a Bunco game I used to be part of until I moved away, and really the only way that half-works is a general target date (second Thursday, whatever) and inviting way more people than are actually going to show up. And the host has learned to be pretty chill about whether the work she puts into herding cats actually pays off any given month.
Also she organizes via both FB group and Evite/email and people tend to gravitate toward the one that actually gets their attention and I think that's made a big difference.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:21 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also she organizes via both FB group and Evite/email and people tend to gravitate toward the one that actually gets their attention and I think that's made a big difference.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:21 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
This doesn't help with scheduling, but three-handed mah jongg is a thing, if that helps. This page includes rules for how to modify the regular rules. (We rarely have a fourth player available, to the point I don't actually remember the last time we played a "proper" game.)
posted by Lexica at 9:44 AM on August 12, 2016
posted by Lexica at 9:44 AM on August 12, 2016
If everyone is on Facebook, I can tell you from personal experience that that fact makes it a great deal easier to coordinate. I use it for monthly RPG gatherings at my place, and it's a wonder.
You could create a secret group on FB, "Taffeta Darling's Kick Ass Mahjongg Group" or some such, invite everyone to join, start a discussion, post an event, and go from there.
The information such as date, time, address, what to bring, and so on is right there on their phone or their browser and they're going to be on FB anyway, so you might as well use that tool of the devil for your own good.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:52 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
You could create a secret group on FB, "Taffeta Darling's Kick Ass Mahjongg Group" or some such, invite everyone to join, start a discussion, post an event, and go from there.
The information such as date, time, address, what to bring, and so on is right there on their phone or their browser and they're going to be on FB anyway, so you might as well use that tool of the devil for your own good.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:52 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I agree with BrashTech that some people just don't feel obligated to be reliable for the benefit of the group. One thing I've started doing is paying a lot less attention to the scheduling needs of the unreliable people, since they are likely to decide not to come at the last minute. When I plan something, I plan around the people I know will prioritize coming or who at least recognize a social obligation as an actual obligation and not an "if I feel like it" situation.
But for a regular thing, I think it's best just to set a specific day, e.g., third Wednesday of the month. With some people, once they know you'll work around them, they'll decide they have to go to their hairdresser's nephew's dog's birthday party. It just never ends. I think the only real long-term solution is try to build up a group of core people so the people who are going to bail on you don't matter as much.
posted by FencingGal at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
But for a regular thing, I think it's best just to set a specific day, e.g., third Wednesday of the month. With some people, once they know you'll work around them, they'll decide they have to go to their hairdresser's nephew's dog's birthday party. It just never ends. I think the only real long-term solution is try to build up a group of core people so the people who are going to bail on you don't matter as much.
posted by FencingGal at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My role play group theoretically meets every Friday. And while we can play with as few as 5 people or as many as 7 one member is critical (the DM). If he doesn't show no role playing for the whole group. So in the last year or so we've transitioned to being a gaming group that prioritizes role play rather than a role playing group. This means that if we don't meet quorum for role playing we play something else even if only two people make it some evenings. We still have the problem of that critical person not being able to make it as often as some of us would like but this no longer ruins the plans of six other people.
While this is not ideal IMO it is an improvement and we have ended up role playing more often. I believe this is because it is easier to plan for an event that happens rigidly on a schedule rather than on an ad-hoc basis (IE:members avoid making plans for Friday night even six months out because that time slot is already taken). And not only do the members not make plans; their family (or at least my extended family) don't make plans that need me. EG: if my mother wants to host a family dinner she know not to make it late Friday or I won't be there.
Even with that regular setup though participation by everyone seems to require whipping in the parliamentary sense. Said whipping is done essentially by only two self selected members of the seven in an effort to get everyone out and starts Monday/Tuesday every week we haven't previously agreed on a hiatus (Fridays of summer long weekends or if a stat holiday happens to fall on Thursday/Friday are hopeless so we often agree in the weeks leading up to not game that evening to save guilt all the way around).
Alternatively when I used to play bridge (another game that pretty rigidly needs four players) we did lots of recruitment so that the regular night would get maybe as many as a couple dozen players to come to play representing maybe 70% of the player base. Rarely would the number evenly divide by four but games are pretty quick and we'd rotate players who would sit out which worked pretty well. Those players would socialize, watch, run for munchies, sub for bio breaks, play something else, etc.
FencingGal: "One thing I've started doing is paying a lot less attention to the scheduling needs of the unreliable people, since they are likely to decide not to come at the last minute."
Oh ya, this. Strictly speaking we have eight group members but one person is considered a member mostly for historical reasons (my group has been meeting in some form since the 80s). He comes out only a couple times a year and we consider him a nice to have guest rather than a regular member and as such he doesn't affect the schedule (we sometime move the game to Saturday nights from Friday if it ends up working better for everyone).
posted by Mitheral at 10:57 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
While this is not ideal IMO it is an improvement and we have ended up role playing more often. I believe this is because it is easier to plan for an event that happens rigidly on a schedule rather than on an ad-hoc basis (IE:members avoid making plans for Friday night even six months out because that time slot is already taken). And not only do the members not make plans; their family (or at least my extended family) don't make plans that need me. EG: if my mother wants to host a family dinner she know not to make it late Friday or I won't be there.
Even with that regular setup though participation by everyone seems to require whipping in the parliamentary sense. Said whipping is done essentially by only two self selected members of the seven in an effort to get everyone out and starts Monday/Tuesday every week we haven't previously agreed on a hiatus (Fridays of summer long weekends or if a stat holiday happens to fall on Thursday/Friday are hopeless so we often agree in the weeks leading up to not game that evening to save guilt all the way around).
Alternatively when I used to play bridge (another game that pretty rigidly needs four players) we did lots of recruitment so that the regular night would get maybe as many as a couple dozen players to come to play representing maybe 70% of the player base. Rarely would the number evenly divide by four but games are pretty quick and we'd rotate players who would sit out which worked pretty well. Those players would socialize, watch, run for munchies, sub for bio breaks, play something else, etc.
FencingGal: "One thing I've started doing is paying a lot less attention to the scheduling needs of the unreliable people, since they are likely to decide not to come at the last minute."
Oh ya, this. Strictly speaking we have eight group members but one person is considered a member mostly for historical reasons (my group has been meeting in some form since the 80s). He comes out only a couple times a year and we consider him a nice to have guest rather than a regular member and as such he doesn't affect the schedule (we sometime move the game to Saturday nights from Friday if it ends up working better for everyone).
posted by Mitheral at 10:57 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've got a group of 7 that plays together about once a month. It's always on a Saturday or Sunday. We need to have all 7 together each time for reasons. We just schedule the next game day or two or three when we're all together at the current game day. Everyone brings calendars and commits. We talk it through - how about this date... how about this date. Sometimes that means we play every 3 weeks, sometimes it's 5 or 6 weeks between, but it's easiest to get people to commit in person.
posted by hydra77 at 11:33 AM on August 12, 2016
posted by hydra77 at 11:33 AM on August 12, 2016
do a doodle poll: http://doodle.com/
posted by at at 11:38 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by at at 11:38 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Seconding the Doodle poll method. Being able to just pick an option in a poll vs. the need to Explain Reasons With Words in an email tends to get way better results.
Ditto FB, but you have to be sure everyone is at optimal FB levels and equally tech-savvy. There always seems to be one holdout who makes the need for a non-FB solution necessary. :-/
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 12:52 PM on August 12, 2016
Ditto FB, but you have to be sure everyone is at optimal FB levels and equally tech-savvy. There always seems to be one holdout who makes the need for a non-FB solution necessary. :-/
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 12:52 PM on August 12, 2016
If everyone has a good time but then there's some foot-dragging when it's time to schedule the next game, maybe they're signaling that they'd prefer the games a bit less often than you do.
posted by DrGail at 2:56 PM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by DrGail at 2:56 PM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 8:56 AM on August 12, 2016 [7 favorites]