Help me resolve this cognitive dissonance/find closure!
July 21, 2016 7:32 AM Subscribe
I am stuck in the anger phase of grieving a relationship that ended a month ago. I want to move on, but I can't. My "hasbian" now-ex repeatedly cheated on me with her professor-- a married man twice her age, who came onto her first, while she was still matriculated in his class. I feel epically wronged as a person, but also their whole affair threatens a lot of beliefs I hold dear. Please throw suggestions, perspectives, etc. my way!
*long story ahead*
*explicit content ahead*
The Ex and I are both graduate students in our late 20s/early 30s, although we are in very different disciplines and at two different schools. The Ex was still in coursework this past Spring.
She told me at the end of May that she had been having a crush on one of her male professors, and that they had gotten physical in his office at school. I have met and hung out with this professor, and thought him a good person, friendly in a harmless way. The Ex had never been with a man and was curious. At that point we both wanted to work it out, and so in some ill-guided attempt I agreed to open up the relationship a little bit so that she could figure out her sexuality— we discussed rules and boundaries and agreed to be super transparent. Though always forthright when asked, the Ex continued to break the rules we established, and continued on the affair with the same professor. It quickly fell apart and I ended the relationship.
In that period of time many, many things came to light. I learned that this professor (let’s just call him PFB, for “pervert f-boy”) is in his mid-fifties, is “monogamously” married, and the older of his two daughters is just a little bit younger than the Ex. I learned that for the three months prior, PFB and the Ex had been having these endless hanging-outs — PFB would give the Ex rides to places and then they’d run errands together and go to the coffeeshop to do work together. And, of course, “office hours” that lasted the entire work day was not uncommon. The Ex had to take a degree requirement exam in the department that PFB chairs. PFB’s younger colleague administered the exam but PFB helped her prepare—- which was in part necessarily because the Ex had basically blown her work off for several months. PFB lies to his wife when he goes to the Ex’s apartment and does it in the bed the Ex and I shared. PFB watched her shower afterward. I learned that PFB initiated, and he sends the Ex detailed descriptions of his sexual fantasies of her, and had instructed her to masturbate to thoughts of him. They had effectively been having internet sex before their “meetings” started in earnest— yes, paper trail and everything.
There are a few things that I’ve accepted and will admit any day. I’m still writing from a deeply wounded place. I was a moron for agreeing to open the relationship up in that context. The most generous I can manage right now is that the Ex is not in a good place right now, although I think she’s also a moron and pretty f-ed up. She thought that PFB treats her the way he does out of “respect and adoration” for her. The Ex had shown me some of the fantasies PFB sent to her as an example of “look how much he cares about me.” These things are, well, they are what they are. We all fall short of our aspirations some times.
The part about this whole deal that I can’t comprehend, can’t accept, and can’t just let go is: how in the world is PFB getting away with everything? I gave such a detailed description of their affair, because it’s unethical in so many ways, and there were conflicts of interests in every step. He gave her a grade, after he’s been lusting after her. He’s the boss of someone who decides whether or not she passes an exam required for a very prestigious degree. There were other students in that class. I don’t even know where to start about his wife and kids. Or how imbalanced that power dynamic is, and the slew of literature out there about how a student cannot meaningfully consent because of that power imbalance (and that the student, even when verbally consenting, is coerced by desire for approval, respect, and so forth). How is this whole thing okay? How in the world is he not getting in trouble? It’s unethical in his work, it’s unethical in his home life, and it’s just unethical. How is this okay?
This thought— how is this okay?!— has been a prick in my brain, and it would not budge. It interjects in my thoughts multiple times a day. It confuses me, especially when I work with my own professors and mentors, who are wonderful human beings highly conscious of power, of ethics, of boundaries in a professional setting.
I can’t seem to resolve this cognitive dissonance, and I can’t stop imagining things to do in response to this dissonance. I want to expose him at work. I want his wife to know. I want him to get in trouble, because I can’t deal with the idea that he comes away from this unscathed.
Thoughts, suggestions, perspectives for how to think about this differently are highly welcomed. As are two to four cents on whether or not to send PFB binders full of articles against student-faculty relationship, possibly c/o his wife. Or how to locate an institution’s policy on student-faculty getting-it-on. Or tell me that karma plays a long game; or help me perceive him as already getting his consequences like how being such a despicable human being is shitty in itself. Something!! Much obliged to you all.
*long story ahead*
*explicit content ahead*
The Ex and I are both graduate students in our late 20s/early 30s, although we are in very different disciplines and at two different schools. The Ex was still in coursework this past Spring.
She told me at the end of May that she had been having a crush on one of her male professors, and that they had gotten physical in his office at school. I have met and hung out with this professor, and thought him a good person, friendly in a harmless way. The Ex had never been with a man and was curious. At that point we both wanted to work it out, and so in some ill-guided attempt I agreed to open up the relationship a little bit so that she could figure out her sexuality— we discussed rules and boundaries and agreed to be super transparent. Though always forthright when asked, the Ex continued to break the rules we established, and continued on the affair with the same professor. It quickly fell apart and I ended the relationship.
In that period of time many, many things came to light. I learned that this professor (let’s just call him PFB, for “pervert f-boy”) is in his mid-fifties, is “monogamously” married, and the older of his two daughters is just a little bit younger than the Ex. I learned that for the three months prior, PFB and the Ex had been having these endless hanging-outs — PFB would give the Ex rides to places and then they’d run errands together and go to the coffeeshop to do work together. And, of course, “office hours” that lasted the entire work day was not uncommon. The Ex had to take a degree requirement exam in the department that PFB chairs. PFB’s younger colleague administered the exam but PFB helped her prepare—- which was in part necessarily because the Ex had basically blown her work off for several months. PFB lies to his wife when he goes to the Ex’s apartment and does it in the bed the Ex and I shared. PFB watched her shower afterward. I learned that PFB initiated, and he sends the Ex detailed descriptions of his sexual fantasies of her, and had instructed her to masturbate to thoughts of him. They had effectively been having internet sex before their “meetings” started in earnest— yes, paper trail and everything.
There are a few things that I’ve accepted and will admit any day. I’m still writing from a deeply wounded place. I was a moron for agreeing to open the relationship up in that context. The most generous I can manage right now is that the Ex is not in a good place right now, although I think she’s also a moron and pretty f-ed up. She thought that PFB treats her the way he does out of “respect and adoration” for her. The Ex had shown me some of the fantasies PFB sent to her as an example of “look how much he cares about me.” These things are, well, they are what they are. We all fall short of our aspirations some times.
The part about this whole deal that I can’t comprehend, can’t accept, and can’t just let go is: how in the world is PFB getting away with everything? I gave such a detailed description of their affair, because it’s unethical in so many ways, and there were conflicts of interests in every step. He gave her a grade, after he’s been lusting after her. He’s the boss of someone who decides whether or not she passes an exam required for a very prestigious degree. There were other students in that class. I don’t even know where to start about his wife and kids. Or how imbalanced that power dynamic is, and the slew of literature out there about how a student cannot meaningfully consent because of that power imbalance (and that the student, even when verbally consenting, is coerced by desire for approval, respect, and so forth). How is this whole thing okay? How in the world is he not getting in trouble? It’s unethical in his work, it’s unethical in his home life, and it’s just unethical. How is this okay?
This thought— how is this okay?!— has been a prick in my brain, and it would not budge. It interjects in my thoughts multiple times a day. It confuses me, especially when I work with my own professors and mentors, who are wonderful human beings highly conscious of power, of ethics, of boundaries in a professional setting.
I can’t seem to resolve this cognitive dissonance, and I can’t stop imagining things to do in response to this dissonance. I want to expose him at work. I want his wife to know. I want him to get in trouble, because I can’t deal with the idea that he comes away from this unscathed.
Thoughts, suggestions, perspectives for how to think about this differently are highly welcomed. As are two to four cents on whether or not to send PFB binders full of articles against student-faculty relationship, possibly c/o his wife. Or how to locate an institution’s policy on student-faculty getting-it-on. Or tell me that karma plays a long game; or help me perceive him as already getting his consequences like how being such a despicable human being is shitty in itself. Something!! Much obliged to you all.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, I'm sorry this happened, but we don't allow revenge questions on AskMe and this is uncomfortably in that range. -- LobsterMitten
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