Why do I keep attracting lame friends???
July 4, 2016 1:49 PM Subscribe
Are all the friends we attract in adulthood this nuts or do I just have really bad luck? I can't tell.
Or maybe I'm just being really picky? It's hard to see it that way if I am. Please help me figure this out.
Since HighSchool I haven't really made many friends which I know is pretty common. I've heard from everyone it gets harder as you get older, but I'm seriously starting to consider whether it wouldn't just be better to be alone. After all friends are supposed to be people you want to hang out with and I find myself trying to avoid the ones I've made in adulthood.
I met friend #1 who I feel sooo drained by whenever we spend time together. She is a grown woman at 31, but she doesn't have a "real" job (she does work as a background extra on tv shows occasionally) and she lives with her parents who pay for everything. She's never lived on her own. She lived at home through most of college (and her college was only a 20 min train ride from her parents house as well) Then from her parents house moved in with a fiance, which didn't work out so she moved back to her parents house. She's desperately looking a new relationship. The desperation is so obvious that I'm often embarrassed to go out with her because she comes across incredibly needy when she's attracted to a guy. She gets upset because the flirtations she engages in never lead to a man following through on his promises to contact her, and she doesn't realize it's because of how desperate she comes across. I mean, I'm single too, but I'm not wreaking with desperation like this. She's not the type you can just talk to about it either because she can't take even the slightest friendly criticism from anyone. Then she often tries to call me and tries to keep me on the phone for HOURS talking about these men who are OBVIOUSLY not into her because they don't try to contact her. Or who she has a crush on. It's like, what are we in highschool? I am a grown woman and I don't have mommy and daddy paying my bills; I can't spend hours of my time talking about boys the way I did when I was 14! I mean, if you've met the love of your life and he's proposed- great. I can see myself staying on the phone a while on that wonderful milestone of your life... but some guy who hasn't called you since January?? THis is the obsession you're sucking an hour of my time with?? So I try to keep our convo to just texting and lie and say I was away from the phone and couldn't pick up etc.
So I meet friend #2- same age. Ironically our first conversation was about the first friend I mentioned and how sad it is for her to be expending her energy that way. She agrees with me! Great, a kindred spirit!, I think to myself. Well, I spoke too soon. After a couple of times hanging out I find out she's convinced a certain TV star (who shall remain nameless) and her are meant to be together. She stalks him, goes to all his signings etc, and does all she can to meet him, which she has several times. I've never been there when it happened, but when she tells me about their conversations it's blatantly obvious that he is not interested in her and is in fact likely very annoyed by her. She takes time off from her job in corporate to stalk this man. She keeps me on the phone for over an hour asking me to analyze why this star doesn't respond to her Twitter messages etc, and then tells me that she wants me to help her stalk him by walking with her around his apartment/neighborhood near Central Park. Because she knows he walks his dog there and is hoping to bump into him. She also wants me to be her wing-woman in helping her pick this guy up at signings and fan events. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? REALLY???
I'm only writing two recent examples here, but trust me these aren't the only ones. There have been other friends who have asked similar things of me. The sad thing is that I end up spending a lot of time alone because my choices always seem to be, to hang out with folks like these or be alone. I mean- why can't I just find a normal person to go to a movie with once in a while, or coffee?? Or have a normal conversation that isn't obsessive in nature? Do these types of friends not exist after a certain age?
Is there something about me that screams out- I HAVE NO LIFE ??? Is there something about me that projects I have no responsibilities and would gladly spend hours on the phone to hear you talk about grade-school and highschool shit while you barely let me get a word in otherwise? Would gladly take a day out of MY life for YOU to stalk some guy who just wants you to go away? What tends to happen is I get sucked into these conversations once or twice... before I get fed up and tell them I'm too busy for these conversations. Then completely cut off communication and limit our relationship to a few texts. If it's something I'm doing- a vibe I'm putting out- then what is it? Or are these just the only types of "friends" left after you're done with your school years?
Or maybe I'm just being really picky? It's hard to see it that way if I am. Please help me figure this out.
Since HighSchool I haven't really made many friends which I know is pretty common. I've heard from everyone it gets harder as you get older, but I'm seriously starting to consider whether it wouldn't just be better to be alone. After all friends are supposed to be people you want to hang out with and I find myself trying to avoid the ones I've made in adulthood.
I met friend #1 who I feel sooo drained by whenever we spend time together. She is a grown woman at 31, but she doesn't have a "real" job (she does work as a background extra on tv shows occasionally) and she lives with her parents who pay for everything. She's never lived on her own. She lived at home through most of college (and her college was only a 20 min train ride from her parents house as well) Then from her parents house moved in with a fiance, which didn't work out so she moved back to her parents house. She's desperately looking a new relationship. The desperation is so obvious that I'm often embarrassed to go out with her because she comes across incredibly needy when she's attracted to a guy. She gets upset because the flirtations she engages in never lead to a man following through on his promises to contact her, and she doesn't realize it's because of how desperate she comes across. I mean, I'm single too, but I'm not wreaking with desperation like this. She's not the type you can just talk to about it either because she can't take even the slightest friendly criticism from anyone. Then she often tries to call me and tries to keep me on the phone for HOURS talking about these men who are OBVIOUSLY not into her because they don't try to contact her. Or who she has a crush on. It's like, what are we in highschool? I am a grown woman and I don't have mommy and daddy paying my bills; I can't spend hours of my time talking about boys the way I did when I was 14! I mean, if you've met the love of your life and he's proposed- great. I can see myself staying on the phone a while on that wonderful milestone of your life... but some guy who hasn't called you since January?? THis is the obsession you're sucking an hour of my time with?? So I try to keep our convo to just texting and lie and say I was away from the phone and couldn't pick up etc.
So I meet friend #2- same age. Ironically our first conversation was about the first friend I mentioned and how sad it is for her to be expending her energy that way. She agrees with me! Great, a kindred spirit!, I think to myself. Well, I spoke too soon. After a couple of times hanging out I find out she's convinced a certain TV star (who shall remain nameless) and her are meant to be together. She stalks him, goes to all his signings etc, and does all she can to meet him, which she has several times. I've never been there when it happened, but when she tells me about their conversations it's blatantly obvious that he is not interested in her and is in fact likely very annoyed by her. She takes time off from her job in corporate to stalk this man. She keeps me on the phone for over an hour asking me to analyze why this star doesn't respond to her Twitter messages etc, and then tells me that she wants me to help her stalk him by walking with her around his apartment/neighborhood near Central Park. Because she knows he walks his dog there and is hoping to bump into him. She also wants me to be her wing-woman in helping her pick this guy up at signings and fan events. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? REALLY???
I'm only writing two recent examples here, but trust me these aren't the only ones. There have been other friends who have asked similar things of me. The sad thing is that I end up spending a lot of time alone because my choices always seem to be, to hang out with folks like these or be alone. I mean- why can't I just find a normal person to go to a movie with once in a while, or coffee?? Or have a normal conversation that isn't obsessive in nature? Do these types of friends not exist after a certain age?
Is there something about me that screams out- I HAVE NO LIFE ??? Is there something about me that projects I have no responsibilities and would gladly spend hours on the phone to hear you talk about grade-school and highschool shit while you barely let me get a word in otherwise? Would gladly take a day out of MY life for YOU to stalk some guy who just wants you to go away? What tends to happen is I get sucked into these conversations once or twice... before I get fed up and tell them I'm too busy for these conversations. Then completely cut off communication and limit our relationship to a few texts. If it's something I'm doing- a vibe I'm putting out- then what is it? Or are these just the only types of "friends" left after you're done with your school years?
This post was deleted for the following reason: This is an awful lot of "here's details about how I think my friends suck" and not a very clear answerable question; maybe try to trim this down to something more focused and try again next week. -- cortex
I can't speak to what kind of vibes you're giving off without knowing you, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that friendships after high school or college don't have to look like the ones you describe.
Where are you meeting or trying to meet friends? A lot of the people I know I met directly or indirectly through an activist-adjacent volunteer gig. Lord knows activist circles have their own problems, but it helped knowing that the people I was meeting through that gig shared at least some ideological views. Is there a similar activity that speaks to you ideologically?
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:58 PM on July 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
Where are you meeting or trying to meet friends? A lot of the people I know I met directly or indirectly through an activist-adjacent volunteer gig. Lord knows activist circles have their own problems, but it helped knowing that the people I was meeting through that gig shared at least some ideological views. Is there a similar activity that speaks to you ideologically?
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:58 PM on July 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rancher at 1:55 PM on July 4, 2016