Why do individuals chose to stay in relationships with indifferent SOs?
June 29, 2016 7:30 AM Subscribe
What is it about relationships in which one partner is "uncertain," withholds love, or says I love you but I'm not sure I'm in love YET, that we chose to stay? I'm clearly asking this because I am there, but I also witness many other women (and men), in this same situation, and it always ends the same way, and I wonder why these strong women continue to live in stress/unhappiness/anxiety. Some people say it is fear or being alone, or the desire to want to change someone, or to prove they are loveable. With me, I'm not sure?
I'm not scared to be alone, yes, I'm scared to break up a family (and to be a single mother), but in all honesty I know I can handle it. I'm scared its me. I'm scared I will realize just how terrible I have been to lose someone like this. He works hard around my home, he helps me and others in more ways than I ever had, everyone loves him and boasts about him, and tells me how lucky I am. I have continued to put myself in a situation (even before a child was involved), in which I am with someone who I know in my deepest parts of me doesn't respect of love me as much as I do with them. He has once put me on that pedastol, he has once told me I was everything he was searching for, he has once brushed my hair behind my ear and told me I was beautiful. Then he lied, then he cheated, and then the woman I don't like emerged- the insecure jealous worrying woman. My trust was severed, I trusted and was let down, and I think I search for that one happy relationship again, when I knew I should have realized I wasn't strong enough to overcome cheating or lying. Then I question, maybe I rely to heavily on trust, on being honest, and to prove I can overcome I stay and endure to hope one day I can say- see, it wasn't me.
I'm broken. He's succeeded, if that is what he set out to do. I'm a shell of what I once was, I am not the same woman I was before. He found all my insecurities and "issues", played on them, made them larger, and now says all of those are the reasons he will never be with me. He says this things in of course a rage or fit usually involving alcohol, and tries to minimize them later.
But, my question is why do I stay, why do we stay? Personally, it's likely fear of the unknown, but I know I will survive the unknown, I know I will get through it, I feel as though its a pride or ego thing. What I believe is most holding me in this is feeling as if I have FAILED if it doesn't work, that if this doesn't work, if he leaves, then all of my insecurities, and everything he focused on me about (clumsiness, inability to pay attention, jealousy, insecurity, naivity, stupidity, sensitivity) are ALL true. That I am that insecure, jelaous woman with all the problems that lost something good because I coulnd't change my ways. That is what I fear the most, realizing that the person I fear or that I judge so harshly when I look in the mirror, is the truth and not just a false image I hold of myself.
I am an introvert, I don't trust easily, I have very close friends and family but all of this was made to be bad, I've never seen this as a bad thing but I have been made to feel as though being an introvert, not being outgoing or the life of the party, or not trusting intentions of someone who has repeatedly hurt or lied to me, that is what makes me this horrible person to live with, and that is why he will leave, and why everyone has left before.
If it is not fear or the unknown, is it pride/ego that keeps us fighting for someone or something that is clearly not good for us. I see this in a lot of women, and relationships. I'm afraid if I leave then my false truth, his false truth, is actually the truth and that I will regret everything for the rest of my life. I have a daughter I have to be strong for, I want her to see strength, and be proud of me.
I'm not scared to be alone, yes, I'm scared to break up a family (and to be a single mother), but in all honesty I know I can handle it. I'm scared its me. I'm scared I will realize just how terrible I have been to lose someone like this. He works hard around my home, he helps me and others in more ways than I ever had, everyone loves him and boasts about him, and tells me how lucky I am. I have continued to put myself in a situation (even before a child was involved), in which I am with someone who I know in my deepest parts of me doesn't respect of love me as much as I do with them. He has once put me on that pedastol, he has once told me I was everything he was searching for, he has once brushed my hair behind my ear and told me I was beautiful. Then he lied, then he cheated, and then the woman I don't like emerged- the insecure jealous worrying woman. My trust was severed, I trusted and was let down, and I think I search for that one happy relationship again, when I knew I should have realized I wasn't strong enough to overcome cheating or lying. Then I question, maybe I rely to heavily on trust, on being honest, and to prove I can overcome I stay and endure to hope one day I can say- see, it wasn't me.
I'm broken. He's succeeded, if that is what he set out to do. I'm a shell of what I once was, I am not the same woman I was before. He found all my insecurities and "issues", played on them, made them larger, and now says all of those are the reasons he will never be with me. He says this things in of course a rage or fit usually involving alcohol, and tries to minimize them later.
But, my question is why do I stay, why do we stay? Personally, it's likely fear of the unknown, but I know I will survive the unknown, I know I will get through it, I feel as though its a pride or ego thing. What I believe is most holding me in this is feeling as if I have FAILED if it doesn't work, that if this doesn't work, if he leaves, then all of my insecurities, and everything he focused on me about (clumsiness, inability to pay attention, jealousy, insecurity, naivity, stupidity, sensitivity) are ALL true. That I am that insecure, jelaous woman with all the problems that lost something good because I coulnd't change my ways. That is what I fear the most, realizing that the person I fear or that I judge so harshly when I look in the mirror, is the truth and not just a false image I hold of myself.
I am an introvert, I don't trust easily, I have very close friends and family but all of this was made to be bad, I've never seen this as a bad thing but I have been made to feel as though being an introvert, not being outgoing or the life of the party, or not trusting intentions of someone who has repeatedly hurt or lied to me, that is what makes me this horrible person to live with, and that is why he will leave, and why everyone has left before.
If it is not fear or the unknown, is it pride/ego that keeps us fighting for someone or something that is clearly not good for us. I see this in a lot of women, and relationships. I'm afraid if I leave then my false truth, his false truth, is actually the truth and that I will regret everything for the rest of my life. I have a daughter I have to be strong for, I want her to see strength, and be proud of me.
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it, but this is framed in kind of a broadly chatfiltery way, with you seeming to answer most of your own questions in the text of the post. If there's a way to rework this to narrow it down more to something concretely answerable, maybe give it another go next week? -- cortex
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the devil you know
something is better than nothing
can't do any better, especially as a single mom
don't deserve any better
can't give up the money / support / social standing the relationship confers
posted by MattD at 7:42 AM on June 29, 2016