How do I get over the guilt of estranging myself from my alcoholic mother?
Long story — I spent most of my youth and young adulthood essentially taking care of my family and my mother's several emotional illnesses and needs, the least of which is her fondness for alcohol. A few years back, right before I graduated college, she went through a major negative spell, lost her job, ended a very bad-to-begin-with long-term relationship and got a DUI. The more bad things happened, the more she drank, downward spiral, etc. etc.
I felt it was my duty to help her and also to protect my younger brother. but after years of doing this I finally realized that she doesn't want to get help (yet), but she relishes the idea of emotionally needing someone who also emotionally needs her. (She's been diagnosed with codependency and this has also been an underlying problem in most of her romantic relationships).
After about 23 years of this, I finally burned out of all the negativity and drama (a common phrase of her's is "Nothing good ever happens to me. My life is shit" and so on). I moved to a pretty far away place and for the first time in my life I actually felt like I
had a life. I met a wonderful man who taught me that it is okay to depend on people without fearing that they'll hold that over your head. We are now married and I'm trying my best to build a life of my own, which includes a whole lot of happiness, something that seems lacking when I look back at my childhood.
Within the past few months I have found out through other family members (because she lies to me when she's been drinking) that things have become much worse again — she is now seeing a former drug dealer who beat her so bad he broke her coller bone. She is not working nor is she going to counseling.
It is too hard for me to watch her self-destruct and for her to keep using me (that's how I feel) and a cushion anytime any kind of drama, real or imagined, happens, so I finally told her that until she decids to genuinely seek help I no longer want to have a relationship with her — not as an ultimatum but more for my own hapiness. I have not talked to her in a month, and did not show up for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Normally, I would think if I were in a toxi rommantic relationship or friendship like this, the decision to cut that person out of my life would be easy. However, my mother comes from a long line of drinkers, and my grandparents are now sending me hateful letters telling me I've abandoned the family and what a worthless daughter I am.
My husband, wonderful man, and his parents fully support my decision. My father's side of the family (they've been divorced since I was a year old) also supports my decision. In my heart, I feel like I'm doing the right thing
for myself but in the back of my mind there is also this nagging guilt that she is the only Mommy I'll ever have and I may never see her again. I honestly feel that the chances of her killing herself (or getting killed by this new man) are far greater than the chances of her deciding to get help. I think much of the guilt is being caused by these awful letters my grandparents are sending. They feel very manipulative.
I know that this a question really only I can answer, but opinions would be helpful. Also, I have considered counseling but do not feel it is right for me, FYI.
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When your family is only good for sucking your energy, I don't feel that it is wrong to let them go.
Some people are closer to their families then others. I don't think it's an accident that families without destructive people members like your mother tend to stick together better.
Counseling may help. If you go this route, make sure to find someone that you have a good rapport with. Also, I know that there are groups out there for families of alcoholics.
Who knows? Maybe if you stop talking to your family for a while, your mother will see this as a sign and seek help.
posted by Afroblanco at 11:46 PM on December 25, 2005