My (abusive?) ex wants to talk.
March 26, 2016 12:21 AM Subscribe
I did something metafilter never recommends-I wrote a letter to my abuser* outlining how I felt. Now, about 6 months later, I've gotten a response. And I'm not sure what to do.
For background: this question is about the same person.
Short Story: I dated someone briefly starting in 2014. I got pregnant, had an abortion. During this time things became strained between us, I was growing bitter and angry. The last time I saw him before ending things, I stopped by his house to pick up money (he wanted to pay for half of the procedure, that did not happen). He was slightly intoxicated. He came on to me aggressively. I would say no, and he’d stop and then start again. This happened multiple times. I asked him something along the lines of “Why the hell do you keep trying when I keep saying no?” He sat for a couple minutes in silence. I got up, got my things, and left angrily. I didn’t talk to him after that until I ended it at the end of January.
We spoke again sometime that summer (initiated by him), met for lunch, and then I sort of faded out again. He reached out again in Oct 2015. I took a week or so to collect my thoughts, and then wrote him a long message outlining how I felt-that he took advantage of me, violated boundaries, was emotionally closed off, and created an environment where I didn't feel like I could talk to him about things-including sex and consent. It was a very long, rather hateful message to be honest.
That letter was 6 months ago. Yesterday I received a response. The rundown:
"I've thought a lot about what you said. I feel and know that I treated you horribly. I know you're happier now without me. I hope in the future we can be friends, but for now I've learned a lot about myself from what you said. I don't expect a response from you, and I am okay with that. I wish you well and I want you to know I loved our time together".
Longer Story I guess you could also call this section "special snowflakes". I am having all sorts of complicated feelings. I still have a hard time processing what happened, I waver between thinking it was abuse or not* (or attempted rape, or intentional, or unintentional, or or, or. I’ve gone over this in my head so many times). The abortion was complicated, put me in a lot of debt, and was traumatic (I have a history of sexual abuse). To complicate things, since then I’ve started developing borderline tendencies, and my other mental illnesses have worsened : flashbacks, dissociating, lack of emotional regulation, anxiety. This situation is very tied in but not the sole cause. I start therapy in the beginning of April.
I never actually expected a response. I sent it to him because I had never really stood up for myself- my past has impacted me in the typical way that makes it hard for me to set boundaries and realize when I’m being hurt or used. I just wanted him to know how I viewed the situation. (Don’t get me wrong, like all toxic relationships there is good and bad, and I actually really liked this person. That complicates things further). It was pretty validating but also hard to hear that he agrees that he treated me wrong. If there’s a chance we can have an honest discussion about what happened then it might offer some sort of solace. It would at least be nice to not have this vague monster existing in the world that sets me off whenever I see someone that looks like him.
The question: What do I do? If you’ve ever had someone who was in the role of “abuser” for you, and you were then able to relabel them (even if it’s to “distant stranger”) how’d you do it? How’d it affect you?
Email, just because: askthegreenanonymously@gmail.com
For background: this question is about the same person.
Short Story: I dated someone briefly starting in 2014. I got pregnant, had an abortion. During this time things became strained between us, I was growing bitter and angry. The last time I saw him before ending things, I stopped by his house to pick up money (he wanted to pay for half of the procedure, that did not happen). He was slightly intoxicated. He came on to me aggressively. I would say no, and he’d stop and then start again. This happened multiple times. I asked him something along the lines of “Why the hell do you keep trying when I keep saying no?” He sat for a couple minutes in silence. I got up, got my things, and left angrily. I didn’t talk to him after that until I ended it at the end of January.
We spoke again sometime that summer (initiated by him), met for lunch, and then I sort of faded out again. He reached out again in Oct 2015. I took a week or so to collect my thoughts, and then wrote him a long message outlining how I felt-that he took advantage of me, violated boundaries, was emotionally closed off, and created an environment where I didn't feel like I could talk to him about things-including sex and consent. It was a very long, rather hateful message to be honest.
That letter was 6 months ago. Yesterday I received a response. The rundown:
"I've thought a lot about what you said. I feel and know that I treated you horribly. I know you're happier now without me. I hope in the future we can be friends, but for now I've learned a lot about myself from what you said. I don't expect a response from you, and I am okay with that. I wish you well and I want you to know I loved our time together".
Longer Story I guess you could also call this section "special snowflakes". I am having all sorts of complicated feelings. I still have a hard time processing what happened, I waver between thinking it was abuse or not* (or attempted rape, or intentional, or unintentional, or or, or. I’ve gone over this in my head so many times). The abortion was complicated, put me in a lot of debt, and was traumatic (I have a history of sexual abuse). To complicate things, since then I’ve started developing borderline tendencies, and my other mental illnesses have worsened : flashbacks, dissociating, lack of emotional regulation, anxiety. This situation is very tied in but not the sole cause. I start therapy in the beginning of April.
I never actually expected a response. I sent it to him because I had never really stood up for myself- my past has impacted me in the typical way that makes it hard for me to set boundaries and realize when I’m being hurt or used. I just wanted him to know how I viewed the situation. (Don’t get me wrong, like all toxic relationships there is good and bad, and I actually really liked this person. That complicates things further). It was pretty validating but also hard to hear that he agrees that he treated me wrong. If there’s a chance we can have an honest discussion about what happened then it might offer some sort of solace. It would at least be nice to not have this vague monster existing in the world that sets me off whenever I see someone that looks like him.
The question: What do I do? If you’ve ever had someone who was in the role of “abuser” for you, and you were then able to relabel them (even if it’s to “distant stranger”) how’d you do it? How’d it affect you?
Email, just because: askthegreenanonymously@gmail.com
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