I have only so much sisterly love to give.
March 8, 2016 7:51 AM Subscribe
I'm going through an intense period of emotional stress right now, but dealing with my only and youngest sister's drama has caused me to just cut ties. How do I deal with the inevitable fallout? Longish snowflakes within.
I have recently returned from a trip to visit my ailing grandparents because I'm not sure how much longer they have. I live in another country and don't get back to visit my family very often (it's expensive), but my sister lives about maybe 6-7 hours away and doesn't visit them at all, despite the fact they're not too far from my dad, whom she does visit. When I returned from the recent trip, I told my mom (my parents are divorced; have been for over 30 years) that it looks as though my grandmother will have to be put in a home and my grandfather might not last out the year.
Well, this resulted in an flurry of accusatory text messages from her calling me selfish and how dare I not tell her they were thinking of putting our grandmother in a home! I calmly responded that I was not obligated to report to her and if she wanted to know what was happening she could visit or call our grandparents. Essentially, I was verbally abused for the next few minutes. She told me that I am a terrible person because I left home--I got married and moved--I don't understand what she deals with everyday and I should just stay away if I am going to be like that. And because my cat is currently very ill (hence: my current emotional distress), she told me to get over it because "it's a fucking cat".
My sister has always been a very selfish person; we all know this in my family but we tolerate it. She lives around the corner from my mother, provides essential family support monetarily and emotionally (my stepdad has Parkinson's; my mom has become his fulltime caregiver), and is mom to wonderful weird little nieces. I'd like to be clear that I do appreciate the things she does for them. But she is constantly emotionally manipulative. She doesn't do anything unless there is some direct tangible benefit for her. She often paints herself as the martyr. She also has, I suspect, a drinking problem. She was in a horrible DUI accident (she was the only one in the car) in January 2015 and was lucky she walked away with some minor scratches. When she drinks, she eventually becomes nasty and combative. I will no longer have a drink with her or any alone time with her on the rare occasions I do go home. I think she was drinking when she texted me last night. In fact, I am pretty sure.
Hive Mind, I told her politely that I cannot deal with her drama and personality right now, maybe not ever. It's inevitable she will figure out a way to take this out on my mom* because no one says anything to her ever (if you try, she starts crying and saying she'll never do it again, but that never ever lasts) about her actions. How do I maintain a relationship with my nieces and help my mom weather the brunt of my decision? I have blocked my sister on my phone, on any social media, and I have to tell you that while I'm still stunned and elated that I finally did it, I still feel guilty. How do I stop feeling guilty?
*I called my mom last night to let her know. I told her I am not asking her to take sides but to please respect my decision. My mom has always emphasized that she wants us to be close because we're all the other has when she dies, but I can't be close with someone who treats me and everyone else like garbage unless she needs/wants something.
I have recently returned from a trip to visit my ailing grandparents because I'm not sure how much longer they have. I live in another country and don't get back to visit my family very often (it's expensive), but my sister lives about maybe 6-7 hours away and doesn't visit them at all, despite the fact they're not too far from my dad, whom she does visit. When I returned from the recent trip, I told my mom (my parents are divorced; have been for over 30 years) that it looks as though my grandmother will have to be put in a home and my grandfather might not last out the year.
Well, this resulted in an flurry of accusatory text messages from her calling me selfish and how dare I not tell her they were thinking of putting our grandmother in a home! I calmly responded that I was not obligated to report to her and if she wanted to know what was happening she could visit or call our grandparents. Essentially, I was verbally abused for the next few minutes. She told me that I am a terrible person because I left home--I got married and moved--I don't understand what she deals with everyday and I should just stay away if I am going to be like that. And because my cat is currently very ill (hence: my current emotional distress), she told me to get over it because "it's a fucking cat".
My sister has always been a very selfish person; we all know this in my family but we tolerate it. She lives around the corner from my mother, provides essential family support monetarily and emotionally (my stepdad has Parkinson's; my mom has become his fulltime caregiver), and is mom to wonderful weird little nieces. I'd like to be clear that I do appreciate the things she does for them. But she is constantly emotionally manipulative. She doesn't do anything unless there is some direct tangible benefit for her. She often paints herself as the martyr. She also has, I suspect, a drinking problem. She was in a horrible DUI accident (she was the only one in the car) in January 2015 and was lucky she walked away with some minor scratches. When she drinks, she eventually becomes nasty and combative. I will no longer have a drink with her or any alone time with her on the rare occasions I do go home. I think she was drinking when she texted me last night. In fact, I am pretty sure.
Hive Mind, I told her politely that I cannot deal with her drama and personality right now, maybe not ever. It's inevitable she will figure out a way to take this out on my mom* because no one says anything to her ever (if you try, she starts crying and saying she'll never do it again, but that never ever lasts) about her actions. How do I maintain a relationship with my nieces and help my mom weather the brunt of my decision? I have blocked my sister on my phone, on any social media, and I have to tell you that while I'm still stunned and elated that I finally did it, I still feel guilty. How do I stop feeling guilty?
*I called my mom last night to let her know. I told her I am not asking her to take sides but to please respect my decision. My mom has always emphasized that she wants us to be close because we're all the other has when she dies, but I can't be close with someone who treats me and everyone else like garbage unless she needs/wants something.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- LobsterMitten
"She is constantly emotionally manipulative. She doesn't do anything unless there is some direct tangible benefit for her."
This was very much my brother, who I cut out a couple of years ago. In an ideal world I would never want/need to do that, but reality made it a necessary decision for my own health and wellbeing.
Both of my parents had difficult relationships with their siblings, and did not want their kids to go down the same path. Looking back (both my parents are deceased), I think they stifled conflict among us kids, when sometimes it's ok and normal for siblings to fight or argue. I felt compelled to maintain a relationship with my brother, suppress the meanness, anger, and often abuse from him - but reached a "no more fucks to give" point a few years ago. I don't engage with him at all. He has also used his children as a pawn in issues among us as adults. I can't go down that road. There's no point in responding or defending myself against someone who's openly manipulative, and there's no point discussing it with other family members or trying to convince them - I have made my decision, but accept that my choices aren't their burden for being in the middle. I have never felt happier, healthier, or stronger than I do now in my life, and it's not a coincidence.
1) Put your own oxygen mask on first. It took me 30+ years to realize this for myself, even while telling others to do the same with their own life issues. It's really ok to take care of yourself first.
2) Think of it as amputating a badly damaged or infected limb, in order to protect and save the rest of yourself. You really wish you could keep the limb, but you also risk the infected portion of it spreading to other parts of yourself, making things so, so much worse. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and do what you need to do for your greater health.
posted by raztaj at 8:13 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
This was very much my brother, who I cut out a couple of years ago. In an ideal world I would never want/need to do that, but reality made it a necessary decision for my own health and wellbeing.
Both of my parents had difficult relationships with their siblings, and did not want their kids to go down the same path. Looking back (both my parents are deceased), I think they stifled conflict among us kids, when sometimes it's ok and normal for siblings to fight or argue. I felt compelled to maintain a relationship with my brother, suppress the meanness, anger, and often abuse from him - but reached a "no more fucks to give" point a few years ago. I don't engage with him at all. He has also used his children as a pawn in issues among us as adults. I can't go down that road. There's no point in responding or defending myself against someone who's openly manipulative, and there's no point discussing it with other family members or trying to convince them - I have made my decision, but accept that my choices aren't their burden for being in the middle. I have never felt happier, healthier, or stronger than I do now in my life, and it's not a coincidence.
1) Put your own oxygen mask on first. It took me 30+ years to realize this for myself, even while telling others to do the same with their own life issues. It's really ok to take care of yourself first.
2) Think of it as amputating a badly damaged or infected limb, in order to protect and save the rest of yourself. You really wish you could keep the limb, but you also risk the infected portion of it spreading to other parts of yourself, making things so, so much worse. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and do what you need to do for your greater health.
posted by raztaj at 8:13 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
How do you stop feeling guilty, hmmm. This sounds really tough for several reasons that are not under your control, so maybe identify what those items are versus what you do have control over so that you can parse it down a bit. There is a lot going on here, too much to tackle. Looking at the items you cannot control, such as how your sister behaves, your cat dying, family illness, living far away...you may feel some relief that you cannot change these things, versus what you can control, such as how you wish to communicate with your sister, visiting your family when you are able, and I believe most importantly, how you feel about what your mother wants (for you to be closer to your sister since when she dies there won't be other family). You cannot do what your mother wishes because it will hurt you unless your sister can get in a better head space. This is certainly possible, but not under your control. It sounds like you do indeed have others in your life, so your mother's wishes are based on a false idea--that you and your sister are all each other has. I don't see any reason to feel guilty for having resources outside your family with which to sustain yourself. Your mom is likely projecting her own situation of not having anyone other than her daughters, which is understandable, but it's not your situation. I can easily imagine why you should feel proud of yourself for not tolerating abusive and manipulative behavior! You're one of the strong ones, and that is a great thing. Wait it out with your sis and let her decide when she is ready to resume relations that are not so hostile.
posted by waving at 8:20 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 8:20 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
How do I maintain a relationship with my nieces and help my mom weather the brunt of my decision?
This will sound like an odd solution, but from your description (and I agree, your sister acted inappropriately by lashing out at you and saying things just to try to hurt you), I wonder if you can give your sister a small bit of what she wants, but without dealing with her directly? It also might help ease the other situations (your mom is going to be pulled in if you have the info, and your sister wants it).
I've actually seen a friend do this for her close and important relatives + relatives she wants to keep at very long arms length and not directly communicate with (and I know its odd.) She put up a blog, which cannot be found by the outside world, is not indexed, and only goes to people she emails (and no actual names appear on it). But she puts the updates and status info for things that are important (in her case, things about her child...for you, maybe how our grandparents are doing, concerns, etc.). I would not suggest something like this except for the dynamics that you have/and it might help with fast moving situations/if there is a larger family involved besides you and your mother and sister. So you could give the link, info is there, and leave it at that.
I'm so, so sorry you are going through this with your grandparents.
posted by Wolfster at 8:40 AM on March 8, 2016
This will sound like an odd solution, but from your description (and I agree, your sister acted inappropriately by lashing out at you and saying things just to try to hurt you), I wonder if you can give your sister a small bit of what she wants, but without dealing with her directly? It also might help ease the other situations (your mom is going to be pulled in if you have the info, and your sister wants it).
I've actually seen a friend do this for her close and important relatives + relatives she wants to keep at very long arms length and not directly communicate with (and I know its odd.) She put up a blog, which cannot be found by the outside world, is not indexed, and only goes to people she emails (and no actual names appear on it). But she puts the updates and status info for things that are important (in her case, things about her child...for you, maybe how our grandparents are doing, concerns, etc.). I would not suggest something like this except for the dynamics that you have/and it might help with fast moving situations/if there is a larger family involved besides you and your mother and sister. So you could give the link, info is there, and leave it at that.
I'm so, so sorry you are going through this with your grandparents.
posted by Wolfster at 8:40 AM on March 8, 2016
I wonder if you're feeling guilty because you've been trained to feel guilty by your sister.
I have a relative who was/is treated badly by her mother. The mother in question engages in silent treatments, buying favours with money, encourages said relative to depend on her mother while being pushed away by the mother, etc. There's a constant stream of criticism directed at everyone nearby from the mother, including dirty looks and snide comments directed at the daughter. Just general button pushing on the part of the mother.
Setting boundaries has helped the daughter, but what has helped more has been the daughter reminding herself that her mom can actually be a nasty piece of work and it's self care for her to ignore it when her buttons get pressed. The simple act of not giving a fuck* is profoundly liberating. The fact that she doesn't care about whatever is upsetting her mother right now is quite freeing.
In summation: find your inner Wanda Sykes*.
*NSFW.
posted by Solomon at 8:46 AM on March 8, 2016
I have a relative who was/is treated badly by her mother. The mother in question engages in silent treatments, buying favours with money, encourages said relative to depend on her mother while being pushed away by the mother, etc. There's a constant stream of criticism directed at everyone nearby from the mother, including dirty looks and snide comments directed at the daughter. Just general button pushing on the part of the mother.
Setting boundaries has helped the daughter, but what has helped more has been the daughter reminding herself that her mom can actually be a nasty piece of work and it's self care for her to ignore it when her buttons get pressed. The simple act of not giving a fuck* is profoundly liberating. The fact that she doesn't care about whatever is upsetting her mother right now is quite freeing.
In summation: find your inner Wanda Sykes*.
*NSFW.
posted by Solomon at 8:46 AM on March 8, 2016
hey - I don't think you're wrong and haven't had a chance to complete an answer but I hope you don't delete.
posted by zutalors! at 8:56 AM on March 8, 2016
posted by zutalors! at 8:56 AM on March 8, 2016
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I felt guilty at first but after a fairly short while the feeling shifted to one of relief - that I wouldn't have to deal with her drama, selfishness, nastiness, etc. ever again. I still have no contact with her, but for me it's probably simpler because we have no parents and just a couple of long-distance cousins that we're not close to. So I've not had to deal with other family relationships that also involve her.
But I know it was the right thing and I have no regrets whatsoever about it.
posted by essexjan at 8:09 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]