How to travel with/host a friend who is uncomfortable with eating?
February 18, 2016 10:32 PM Subscribe
I have a friend who I travel with and host occasionally. Friend is very controlling about food when it comes to herself, not others. She calorie restricts but doesn't want to talk about it. If she lets herself eat freely she falls into a distracted funk later on.
I would appreciate any tips on traveling with/hosting a person who might be eating disordered.
It's kind of difficult because while I don't want to make her uncomfortable, cooking and going to restaurants just fills the time. Food is just such an easy go to when on vacation. I think she would prefer to eat alone but would never ever say so. She enjoys good food but the funks are sad to see.
If I'm hosting I discuss what food I have available and what I was thinking of making for meals. I'll ask for her input and am open to grocery shopping/her wishes. When we go to restaurants she orders as she sees fit. It's hard to describe the resistance I feel when meals come up, but for example she might be excited for meals on day 1, and by day 3 refuses to agree or disagree with any suggestions, and just becomes kind of noncommunicative and resistant to any ideas.
Any stories/insight would be helpful. I would like to be more sensitive about this.
It's kind of difficult because while I don't want to make her uncomfortable, cooking and going to restaurants just fills the time. Food is just such an easy go to when on vacation. I think she would prefer to eat alone but would never ever say so. She enjoys good food but the funks are sad to see.
If I'm hosting I discuss what food I have available and what I was thinking of making for meals. I'll ask for her input and am open to grocery shopping/her wishes. When we go to restaurants she orders as she sees fit. It's hard to describe the resistance I feel when meals come up, but for example she might be excited for meals on day 1, and by day 3 refuses to agree or disagree with any suggestions, and just becomes kind of noncommunicative and resistant to any ideas.
Any stories/insight would be helpful. I would like to be more sensitive about this.
Would going to the gym/taking a walk/jog/swim/bike ride/doing yoga/other together every day take the edge off eating actual food? exercise is basically antifunk.
I've been on both sides of this situation, and looking back, kind of wish someone would have just been like, dude, theres damage being done here. maybe there are alternatives. its no way to live. its exhausting.. dont know how old your friend is (we were in our early 20s then), so maybe just focusing on the good sides of food? making it lighter. Like did you know that blue and purple fruits&veg have anthocyanins! which have been shown to help with cholesterol and high blood pressure?! how amazing! we shall therefore eat blueberry pie! and all the plums. etc. etc.
posted by speakeasy at 10:57 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've been on both sides of this situation, and looking back, kind of wish someone would have just been like, dude, theres damage being done here. maybe there are alternatives. its no way to live. its exhausting.. dont know how old your friend is (we were in our early 20s then), so maybe just focusing on the good sides of food? making it lighter. Like did you know that blue and purple fruits&veg have anthocyanins! which have been shown to help with cholesterol and high blood pressure?! how amazing! we shall therefore eat blueberry pie! and all the plums. etc. etc.
posted by speakeasy at 10:57 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you know in advance this is not going to be a pleasant trip with this friend. What you describe sounds stressful for both of you. It also seems that talking about food with her and offering all sorts of options just makes the situation worse. You are already hypersensitive to her needs, and that is not working. You are not responsible for her moods when she feels she overeats or eats the wrong thing. As someone said, probably the only way to host her is family style dishes where it is up to her what she eats or does not. If you really enjoy being with her aside from food, try to schedule as many non-food activities as possible when you are together, and do not discuss food unless absolutely necessary.
posted by mermayd at 3:28 AM on February 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 3:28 AM on February 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'd stop anticipating her preferences. Don't give options, every option is a decision and decisions are work. Especially when you don't enjoy thinking about them in the first place!
Tell her, "I'm thinking of going to x and grabbing food at the y tonight. You up for that?"
If she says she'd rather not, ask her what she wants. If her signals are mixed, say "okay, let me know if you come up with another plan. Otherwise, we're doing x tonight."
posted by Omnomnom at 3:37 AM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Tell her, "I'm thinking of going to x and grabbing food at the y tonight. You up for that?"
If she says she'd rather not, ask her what she wants. If her signals are mixed, say "okay, let me know if you come up with another plan. Otherwise, we're doing x tonight."
posted by Omnomnom at 3:37 AM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, you know you're allowed to have fun on your own as well, when travelling together. Maybe use some of your time apart to really dig into the food you love. (BecauseI can't imagine enjoying my dining experience with someone who gets so stressed out about food!)
posted by Omnomnom at 3:41 AM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 3:41 AM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If you substituted Alcoholic for Eating Disordered that's pretty much what you've got.
I have an eating disorder, but it's more about being food fixated and wanting to eat all the things. I'm the person you call when you want to have a bit of a binge because I'm all in. That said, you can't be in charge of what other people do or don't eat, all you can do is control yourself.
If there are food things you want to do, put them on the itinerary and offer to have that be a thing you do on your own. Want to ogle the yummies in the food halls at Harrods, she can do something else for a morning. Want to try crepes on the streets of Paris, perhaps she can window shop while you nom.
As for meals, again, that's on her to say what she does and doesn't want to do, as for the funk, you can offer to leave her alone to mope while you go talk to cute people in the bar.
Suddenly, she's not such a great travel companion, is she? You might want to say this to her, in a mini intervention sort of way, "Carol, I enjoy spending time with you, but I find eating a pleasure and wit you, it's a drag." It's just like saying, "Carol, I enjoy spending time with you and when you drink you're a real drag to be around." It's about choices and consequences.
As for hosting. Certainly have things to offer that you know she enjoys and let her choose what she wants. But if she's a shame-eater and wants to take her plate into the bathroom, you may want to re-think hosting her.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:33 AM on February 19, 2016 [8 favorites]
I have an eating disorder, but it's more about being food fixated and wanting to eat all the things. I'm the person you call when you want to have a bit of a binge because I'm all in. That said, you can't be in charge of what other people do or don't eat, all you can do is control yourself.
If there are food things you want to do, put them on the itinerary and offer to have that be a thing you do on your own. Want to ogle the yummies in the food halls at Harrods, she can do something else for a morning. Want to try crepes on the streets of Paris, perhaps she can window shop while you nom.
As for meals, again, that's on her to say what she does and doesn't want to do, as for the funk, you can offer to leave her alone to mope while you go talk to cute people in the bar.
Suddenly, she's not such a great travel companion, is she? You might want to say this to her, in a mini intervention sort of way, "Carol, I enjoy spending time with you, but I find eating a pleasure and wit you, it's a drag." It's just like saying, "Carol, I enjoy spending time with you and when you drink you're a real drag to be around." It's about choices and consequences.
As for hosting. Certainly have things to offer that you know she enjoys and let her choose what she wants. But if she's a shame-eater and wants to take her plate into the bathroom, you may want to re-think hosting her.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:33 AM on February 19, 2016 [8 favorites]
Could she cook for herself, or for both of you, on one or more days?
Could you request that she come up with ten potential activities you could do together (that don't involve food)? This will address your "just fills the time" issue.
If eating is the main thing you do, and she can't eat as much as you do, it's possible that this is _not_ like alcoholism. Especially if you happen to be male.
posted by amtho at 4:46 AM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Could you request that she come up with ten potential activities you could do together (that don't involve food)? This will address your "just fills the time" issue.
If eating is the main thing you do, and she can't eat as much as you do, it's possible that this is _not_ like alcoholism. Especially if you happen to be male.
posted by amtho at 4:46 AM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Does she actually have an eating disorder, or is it that she just counts calories and maybe is not into cooking/eating as a pastime? Her reactions don't sound that far off from a typical dieter's. A lot of people who are trying to stick to a calorie target get fed up by having to explain or defend their way of eating to people who aren't dieting, become frustrated with themselves when they go over their target, and find it hard to stick to their guns when faced with social pressure. And some dieters are better than others at being creative with cooking; some just don't care and prefer to keep things simple.
Tbf, given that eating norms are obesogenic in many societies, medically sound responses to managing weight (like calorie restriction) might look pathological. Like, it's socially abnormal to weigh your food or ask for its nutritional value before eating it, or to limit food types (by cutting out e.g. "junk" food most of the time), or even to just not finish your plate, in some places, but that's exactly what you have to do to monitor weight. (And sometimes people do get wrapped up in it, especially when it's new knowledge - because they have to, in order to overcome years of habits, it's a total reeducation. That concern about food usually does wear off eventually, in my observation (and experience), as people figure things out and settle on a sustainable plan. Of course, she may have an actual eating disorder. I'm just saying that normal calorie counting might look like an ED to someone who's not doing that.)
Are your suggestions delicious calorie bombs? Do you criticize her choices? Are you trying to get her to eat what you think she should eat?
Also, is this a friend-friend, or is there something more to it? If the latter, she may not feel comfortable talking about how she's controlling her weight (because some people expect women to just be thin and not only don't want to know what effort goes into it, but judge them for it). There are a lot of other reasons people don't want to talk about diets, though. I personally have no problem explaining why and how I eat the way I do, but when people eat differently, it's not unusual for someone to take offense - some people think it's easier to just avoid discussion.
I can't speak to how you should deal with this if she DOES have an ED. (Which I guess you can't necessarily know, unless she's restricting very heavily or has very unusual behaviours.. but again things that seem unusual may not be reasons to worry.) If she's just dieting, limit criticism, quit talking about food so much in general, find other things to do. Good ideas above about letting her cook. Or asking what she prefers, and just being ok with the answer.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:03 AM on February 19, 2016 [13 favorites]
Tbf, given that eating norms are obesogenic in many societies, medically sound responses to managing weight (like calorie restriction) might look pathological. Like, it's socially abnormal to weigh your food or ask for its nutritional value before eating it, or to limit food types (by cutting out e.g. "junk" food most of the time), or even to just not finish your plate, in some places, but that's exactly what you have to do to monitor weight. (And sometimes people do get wrapped up in it, especially when it's new knowledge - because they have to, in order to overcome years of habits, it's a total reeducation. That concern about food usually does wear off eventually, in my observation (and experience), as people figure things out and settle on a sustainable plan. Of course, she may have an actual eating disorder. I'm just saying that normal calorie counting might look like an ED to someone who's not doing that.)
Are your suggestions delicious calorie bombs? Do you criticize her choices? Are you trying to get her to eat what you think she should eat?
Also, is this a friend-friend, or is there something more to it? If the latter, she may not feel comfortable talking about how she's controlling her weight (because some people expect women to just be thin and not only don't want to know what effort goes into it, but judge them for it). There are a lot of other reasons people don't want to talk about diets, though. I personally have no problem explaining why and how I eat the way I do, but when people eat differently, it's not unusual for someone to take offense - some people think it's easier to just avoid discussion.
I can't speak to how you should deal with this if she DOES have an ED. (Which I guess you can't necessarily know, unless she's restricting very heavily or has very unusual behaviours.. but again things that seem unusual may not be reasons to worry.) If she's just dieting, limit criticism, quit talking about food so much in general, find other things to do. Good ideas above about letting her cook. Or asking what she prefers, and just being ok with the answer.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:03 AM on February 19, 2016 [13 favorites]
Yeah. I just got a FitBit, and am kind of obsessed with calorie counting - but it's not because I have an eating disorder, but because I can see measurable results when I stick with my calorie goals. But I also hate going out to eat with other people, because they either choose places that don't mark their calories or because they cook food and I have no idea what's in it and just have to guess.
It's possible to avoid food bonding without feeling you have to stage an intervention.
posted by corb at 6:24 AM on February 19, 2016
It's possible to avoid food bonding without feeling you have to stage an intervention.
posted by corb at 6:24 AM on February 19, 2016
This is not really your problem to solve. She is an adult, she can choose what she orders, puts on her plate, eats, does not eat. As long as you extend her the same degree of influence on these decisions you extend to any other travel companion or guest the rest is on her.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:56 AM on February 19, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:56 AM on February 19, 2016 [7 favorites]
I don't eat out much for medical reasons and I also love food. It has been a major perspective change to figure out how to hang out with people and travel without it being all about food. It's more work. It's also been shocking to realize how many people don't have any activities they do with their friends that aren't eating/drinking (and talking of course).
Have you considered making other stuff your "go to" when you travel with her? Like, take the time to plan out things to see/do as your top priority? And when you go on trips with other people, those can be eating-centered vacations?
posted by purple_bird at 9:02 AM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you considered making other stuff your "go to" when you travel with her? Like, take the time to plan out things to see/do as your top priority? And when you go on trips with other people, those can be eating-centered vacations?
posted by purple_bird at 9:02 AM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you insist on traveling with her, then figure out something else to do. Choose destinations that are interesting enough that you can do walking tours on local history/art or nature, or if you're on the beach then, like, jet skiing. Eating with her is just pain for both of you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:33 AM on February 19, 2016
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:33 AM on February 19, 2016
My wife was on the Paleo diet a few years ago and when our family took a road trip, it became a huge issue. We were leaving Seattle to visit the southern Oregon coast and our arrival time would be after midnight. But even knowing that, she wanted us all to stop at a diner (aka Denny's or Shari's or Village Inn) so she could get some fried eggs.
We have five kids, and it didn't make sense to me to have six of us delayed because she wanted fried eggs, so an argument ensued. Feelings were hurt. And it was stupid.
My philosophy - as an adult picky eater who won't eat lots of things - is that the person with the restriction should worry about it, not other people. I don't expect people to cater to me, thus I don't expect to cater to others based on their personal restrictions.
Maybe I'm a jerk, though...
posted by tacodave at 12:18 PM on February 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
We have five kids, and it didn't make sense to me to have six of us delayed because she wanted fried eggs, so an argument ensued. Feelings were hurt. And it was stupid.
My philosophy - as an adult picky eater who won't eat lots of things - is that the person with the restriction should worry about it, not other people. I don't expect people to cater to me, thus I don't expect to cater to others based on their personal restrictions.
Maybe I'm a jerk, though...
posted by tacodave at 12:18 PM on February 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm a person who has had embarrassingly severe anxiety issues in the past, some of which manifested in weird eating habits and the misery of having to exclude myself from lovely social and gustatory experiences, without being able to comfortably explain my absence.
Can you communicate that you acknowledge her idiosyncrasies, but that you respect her boundaries? Because for whatever reason, her eating preferences are necessary for her right now. It can be an enormous relief to have these things acknowledged (from a safe distance - without carrying on to a crusade of getting them examined, explained and solved) instead of the exhausting and humiliating pantomime of normalcy.
"Hey, I know you have preferences about food - don't worry, I'm not going to interrogate you. But I want you to know that I'd like you to feel comfortable and enjoy this trip as much as possible. I can feel more comfortable if I know you'd tell me if you need a solo meal to recharge with alone time, or you gotta bring your own hot sauce in your bag, or whatever. Food's a big, fraught, social thing but what's customary isn't always what's comfortable or fun for everyone. So - can you let me know if there's space I can give you? Or things I can do to make this more fun and less stress? I'm bringing it up ahead of time and I don't want to put you on the spot, but I want to mention it now so you had time to think about it. So anyway what do you think of the new X Files?"
posted by Lou Stuells at 1:18 PM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Can you communicate that you acknowledge her idiosyncrasies, but that you respect her boundaries? Because for whatever reason, her eating preferences are necessary for her right now. It can be an enormous relief to have these things acknowledged (from a safe distance - without carrying on to a crusade of getting them examined, explained and solved) instead of the exhausting and humiliating pantomime of normalcy.
"Hey, I know you have preferences about food - don't worry, I'm not going to interrogate you. But I want you to know that I'd like you to feel comfortable and enjoy this trip as much as possible. I can feel more comfortable if I know you'd tell me if you need a solo meal to recharge with alone time, or you gotta bring your own hot sauce in your bag, or whatever. Food's a big, fraught, social thing but what's customary isn't always what's comfortable or fun for everyone. So - can you let me know if there's space I can give you? Or things I can do to make this more fun and less stress? I'm bringing it up ahead of time and I don't want to put you on the spot, but I want to mention it now so you had time to think about it. So anyway what do you think of the new X Files?"
posted by Lou Stuells at 1:18 PM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, been there. I went to ITALY with an old friend who had previously spent life on the heavy side of average or light side of overweight. She had, at the time of our trip, recently begun to make really positive changes in diet and exercise and is now (10 or so years later) a thin person who works out regularly and still loves the occasional eggs and hash browns.
But, yes, going to ITALY with her in the first months of her dietary awakening was less fun than it could have been. Try to roll with it. I would, unless you're very, very close, take the "less said the better" approach. CERTAINLY do not bring this up until after the trip if you have reason to be genuinely concerned about an ED.
When traveling, I love to go to regular grocery stores and sample the local everyday foods. We sure did agree on that, and she could have as much or as little buffalo mozzarella as she felt like. If I had been older at the time of our trip (I was 23, I think), I would have been more chill. Instead I ribbed her a lot, which wasn't nice.
But we still had a great time!
posted by 8603 at 2:32 PM on February 19, 2016
But, yes, going to ITALY with her in the first months of her dietary awakening was less fun than it could have been. Try to roll with it. I would, unless you're very, very close, take the "less said the better" approach. CERTAINLY do not bring this up until after the trip if you have reason to be genuinely concerned about an ED.
When traveling, I love to go to regular grocery stores and sample the local everyday foods. We sure did agree on that, and she could have as much or as little buffalo mozzarella as she felt like. If I had been older at the time of our trip (I was 23, I think), I would have been more chill. Instead I ribbed her a lot, which wasn't nice.
But we still had a great time!
posted by 8603 at 2:32 PM on February 19, 2016
Response by poster: Very interesting range of perspectives! I agree with comments that she is getting decision fatigue about a subject that's stressful for her. Will tread lightly.
posted by charlielxxv at 11:31 PM on February 19, 2016
posted by charlielxxv at 11:31 PM on February 19, 2016
I have a friend with very different food motivations to me, who I've travelled with a lot. Multi-week trips to India and Europe. I love food, planning my next meal and trying new places to eat and new foods are some of the highlights of travelling for me. Three meals a day or gtfo. She really doesn't care, she'd be quite happy with the hotel breakfast, and something light in the evening, maybe even just a dessert.
There was once a time when if it'd been up to her we'd have got on a train for a 36 hour journey, where there was only a restaurant car for 4 of those 36 hours, with only a couple of bottles of water. I was like, No, we need to allow time for a supermarket visit before we board. I don't know about you, but I am going to need snackage, and some proper food to get through this....
It's not always easy. My friend doesn't have an eating disorder, I'm not concerned about her health. But her feelings around food do seem change with her mood - which is what happened with the train incident, she was stressed about the journey and the connections and what we were going to eat just hadn't occurred to her. So me being aware of how she's feeling helps.
I've talked to her about this, not in a blamey way. And we have a routine that works for us. Definitely bring it up when you're not hungry or at a meal time.
I've been honest - I like food and three proper meals a day, I'm cool with the fact that you're happy to skip lunch, I don't expect you to eat when I do. Getting me food becomes another practical task that happens when we are spending a lot of time together (like finding a toilet or a chemist for cold medicine...) Also, I'm vegetarian, and I'm not shy about speaking up if my meals recently haven't been giving me enough calories or protein (hello Eastern Europe!), and I really need a hunk of bread and some cheese stat, or even to seek out the one vegetarian restaurant in the city. But she knows I'm cool if she only has a slice of cake, or a cup of tea. And I'm fine, and she knows I'm fine, if she doesn't want to make a decision.
It's totally OK to spend some time apart when your together, so we do that.
"What shall we do next?" "Well, I need to find a sandwich or something, because I basically only had a bowl of vegetable soup to eat yesterday, but if you want to head of to that gallery, I'll meet you there in half an hour..."
We'll often go to a supermarket and buy a bunch of stuff that we can pick at for lunch, so some bread, cheese, salad, fruit, olives, so we both can have as much as we want/need.
I make sure I have snacks on me to keep me going when I need it. And I will say something to her if I don't think we've eaten enough recently, but in a way that's about taking care of each other when travelling, in the same way I'd mention she is getting sunburnt, or taking a break from all this walking....
Sure, it means I miss out on some of the things that I enjoy about travelling, but missing a few meals and surviving on snacks isn't going to kill me. I've learnt to see it as part and parcel of spending time together, and to focus on the other things that are good about the two of us travelling together. I've accepted she isn't going to be the friend I ask to do a foodie tour of Europe with.
posted by Helga-woo at 3:46 AM on February 20, 2016
There was once a time when if it'd been up to her we'd have got on a train for a 36 hour journey, where there was only a restaurant car for 4 of those 36 hours, with only a couple of bottles of water. I was like, No, we need to allow time for a supermarket visit before we board. I don't know about you, but I am going to need snackage, and some proper food to get through this....
It's not always easy. My friend doesn't have an eating disorder, I'm not concerned about her health. But her feelings around food do seem change with her mood - which is what happened with the train incident, she was stressed about the journey and the connections and what we were going to eat just hadn't occurred to her. So me being aware of how she's feeling helps.
I've talked to her about this, not in a blamey way. And we have a routine that works for us. Definitely bring it up when you're not hungry or at a meal time.
I've been honest - I like food and three proper meals a day, I'm cool with the fact that you're happy to skip lunch, I don't expect you to eat when I do. Getting me food becomes another practical task that happens when we are spending a lot of time together (like finding a toilet or a chemist for cold medicine...) Also, I'm vegetarian, and I'm not shy about speaking up if my meals recently haven't been giving me enough calories or protein (hello Eastern Europe!), and I really need a hunk of bread and some cheese stat, or even to seek out the one vegetarian restaurant in the city. But she knows I'm cool if she only has a slice of cake, or a cup of tea. And I'm fine, and she knows I'm fine, if she doesn't want to make a decision.
It's totally OK to spend some time apart when your together, so we do that.
"What shall we do next?" "Well, I need to find a sandwich or something, because I basically only had a bowl of vegetable soup to eat yesterday, but if you want to head of to that gallery, I'll meet you there in half an hour..."
We'll often go to a supermarket and buy a bunch of stuff that we can pick at for lunch, so some bread, cheese, salad, fruit, olives, so we both can have as much as we want/need.
I make sure I have snacks on me to keep me going when I need it. And I will say something to her if I don't think we've eaten enough recently, but in a way that's about taking care of each other when travelling, in the same way I'd mention she is getting sunburnt, or taking a break from all this walking....
Sure, it means I miss out on some of the things that I enjoy about travelling, but missing a few meals and surviving on snacks isn't going to kill me. I've learnt to see it as part and parcel of spending time together, and to focus on the other things that are good about the two of us travelling together. I've accepted she isn't going to be the friend I ask to do a foodie tour of Europe with.
posted by Helga-woo at 3:46 AM on February 20, 2016
cooking and going to restaurants just fills the time. Food is just such an easy go to when on vacation
I occasionally travel with someone who is like this about food. (OP, I checked your question history to see if it was you -- it's not) Typically we will spend several hours a day in restaurants. I find this gets boring after a few days and cuts into the time for seeing interesting places or doing things other than eating, but I go along with it because I know it is very important to them to go out to eat. I'd rather have a quick breakfast of some food I've brought with me and get on with my day or sleep in a bit later, but if everyone needs to travel in one car or something I can be flexible.
It's hard to offer a concrete suggestion without knowing more about your friend. But some of the subtle pressure I've felt to change how I eat is that I know others will feel hurt if I don't accompany them to meals, and I do want to get in some social time with them and it's easy to do that with all the waiting that needs to happen in restaurants. If I'm left to myself I would structure my eating in a completely different way as far as snacks v.s. meals, the types of food I'm eating, what time of day, etc. -- and when I've talked about this it's been difficult to make myself understood, so I've chosen not to spend more of my limited time with the person rehashing the issue.
You mention "meals" several times in your question. I'm not saying you are like this, but some people can be very moralistic in the attitude that meals are good, and "snacking" when it's not a meal is bad. Personally I prefer to eat a smaller amount of food less often than to have big meals, but it's been practically impossible to get this across to people with the "meals" mindset. I find I'm generally in a better mood if I eat smaller quantities of food more often, and can get cranky if I don't eat often enough -- and one situation where I will let more time go by without eating is when someone has made me a home-cooked meal and I don't want them to feel like I didn't like it, or when I'm traveling with a person who is really stuck on having 3 meals a day and I know taking a break for a small snack will be difficult.
I imagine this might look like "If she lets herself eat freely she falls into a distracted funk later on.", but that would be an assumption about the cause. I just don't have enough energy if I eat only three times a day, I get in a cycle where I'm stuffing myself with more food than I would like at "meals" and then getting cranky from blood sugar dropping before it's time to do it all again, and I guess that might make it seem like I'm in a distracted funk. And yeah, it's kind of a relief if I have to "fend for myself" and have half a sandwich for lunch and half when I feel like having more food.
For myself, I'm flexible enough with my eating habits that changing them for a short time doesn't seem like a bit deal to me. I would get excited about the awesome food you want to cook or places you want to eat... at first. But it's easy for me to forget how I don't feel all that great when I try to eat only three times a day -- you might feel similar if you were eating only a gigantic meal once a day.
There is a social norm to eat three meals a day, but people having other habits around eating doesn't mean they have an eating disorder.
posted by yohko at 4:39 PM on February 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I occasionally travel with someone who is like this about food. (OP, I checked your question history to see if it was you -- it's not) Typically we will spend several hours a day in restaurants. I find this gets boring after a few days and cuts into the time for seeing interesting places or doing things other than eating, but I go along with it because I know it is very important to them to go out to eat. I'd rather have a quick breakfast of some food I've brought with me and get on with my day or sleep in a bit later, but if everyone needs to travel in one car or something I can be flexible.
It's hard to offer a concrete suggestion without knowing more about your friend. But some of the subtle pressure I've felt to change how I eat is that I know others will feel hurt if I don't accompany them to meals, and I do want to get in some social time with them and it's easy to do that with all the waiting that needs to happen in restaurants. If I'm left to myself I would structure my eating in a completely different way as far as snacks v.s. meals, the types of food I'm eating, what time of day, etc. -- and when I've talked about this it's been difficult to make myself understood, so I've chosen not to spend more of my limited time with the person rehashing the issue.
You mention "meals" several times in your question. I'm not saying you are like this, but some people can be very moralistic in the attitude that meals are good, and "snacking" when it's not a meal is bad. Personally I prefer to eat a smaller amount of food less often than to have big meals, but it's been practically impossible to get this across to people with the "meals" mindset. I find I'm generally in a better mood if I eat smaller quantities of food more often, and can get cranky if I don't eat often enough -- and one situation where I will let more time go by without eating is when someone has made me a home-cooked meal and I don't want them to feel like I didn't like it, or when I'm traveling with a person who is really stuck on having 3 meals a day and I know taking a break for a small snack will be difficult.
I imagine this might look like "If she lets herself eat freely she falls into a distracted funk later on.", but that would be an assumption about the cause. I just don't have enough energy if I eat only three times a day, I get in a cycle where I'm stuffing myself with more food than I would like at "meals" and then getting cranky from blood sugar dropping before it's time to do it all again, and I guess that might make it seem like I'm in a distracted funk. And yeah, it's kind of a relief if I have to "fend for myself" and have half a sandwich for lunch and half when I feel like having more food.
For myself, I'm flexible enough with my eating habits that changing them for a short time doesn't seem like a bit deal to me. I would get excited about the awesome food you want to cook or places you want to eat... at first. But it's easy for me to forget how I don't feel all that great when I try to eat only three times a day -- you might feel similar if you were eating only a gigantic meal once a day.
There is a social norm to eat three meals a day, but people having other habits around eating doesn't mean they have an eating disorder.
posted by yohko at 4:39 PM on February 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
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When you're hosting her, it may be helpful to have no more than one meal per day that you actually have together. When I visit my family, we usually sit down to dinner together, but breakfast and lunch are catch-as-catch can. My Dad eats a late breakfast and doesn't have lunch; my mom has a small breakfast before she goes to the gym, something more substantial when she gets home, then a small lunch; I usually eat something for breakfast and a more substantial lunch, which might be the same thing as my mother has or might not. My mother tells me what she has available that she knows I like, asks me what I'm eating for breakfast these days so she can buy it when she shops, and otherwise leaves me to my own devices to feed myself for those meals. It means that she doesn't have to consider my needs so much, but also so that I don't have to consider her needs so much.
Meals that you do eat together, should be served family style or just let people serve themselves out of pots, depending on your level of formality. That way she never feels obligated to eat what someone else has put on her plate.
It may be that in your attempts to be sensitive to her needs, you're discussing food an awful lot more than you would otherwise. A better approach might be to just tell her what you're planning, and then make the option of either eating it, or making something else for herself, available to her, rather than constantly consulting her, which might feel like a lot of pressure on her to find something that she is willing to eat but that you will also like.
Travelling together seems harder. I honestly don't know what to suggest for that, other than to keep formal sit down meals to a minimum -- dining in open air markets and food courts frequented by locals can be a good way to get some local colour and makes the whole act of eating less of a production. Sitting down at a table where someone can see exactly what you're eating and how much of it might seem like too much, whereas if you're both wandering a market buying some cheese here and some grapes there, it's less obvious how much she is or isn't eating, and she has a lot more variety of individual items to choose from.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:50 PM on February 18, 2016 [8 favorites]