How to stop feeling like a tree without roots
January 25, 2016 4:02 PM Subscribe
I am struggling with adjusting as an expat and creating a decent life for myself; is there a perspective I'm lacking in turning things around and not feeling as the eternal outsider?
You get this kind of question in here a lot I'm sure, in way more eloquent scripts and it has been answered it perhaps in a way or another, but I feel like I have fucked up in every single field of my life. If there was such a thing as reverse pride or something, I'd feel it, because it has to be some sort of accomplishment to mess up effortlessly five things at once.
I'm in my late 20s and have been living in NY for the past 7 years. I moved here from a troubled part of the world, in the hope of making something of myself with some grace and dignity. Coming from a very poor family, it has been an uphill battle in a very non romantic way; university took waaay longer to finish than most people because I had zero financial support, I struggle to make ends meet in a shitty job while looking for a job in the field I studied which has proven difficult because while others were gaining experience in their field, I was in said shitty jobs trying to pay for school and finish it.
On top of the practical, there's of course the existential; I struggle with feeling homesick and like I don't belong. I know everyone has that feeling at some point or another, whether they're expats or not, but it is so intense at times that it's crippling my ability to function and have a meaningful, satisfying life.
I have a hard time relating to most people,who seem so effortlessly successful, surrounded by family and friends, supported by their network and sharing stories of childhood and first loves. All those things for me are in another continent, and here they seem like luxuries I can't even dream of.
I feel as if everyone has already created their circles since high school or whatever, everyone has a high school sweetheart from fucking 8 years ago and it's as if just no one is interested in making space for someone new. I literally break down in sobs when I see pictures of people with their families on holidays, with their friends throughout the years etc.
I have a couple friends I made in college and I love them dearly, but after a couple common struggles as broke students that brought us together, their lives now have taken the smooth path they were destined for and I feel like the awkward, single third wheel who just tags along while doing math in their head to see how much their half will be while the rest of the group orders.
The romantic (LOL) part of my life hasn't been too great either; every single man I've been involved with since moving here has had some unresolved issues with an ex, which has eventually brought about the demise of the relationship because I feel like I can't stack up against their long history and everything they have shared throughout the years and I'm just the foreign outsider.
I knew the decision to move here would be a tough one and I was prepared for the laborious journey, but I was naively certain that a home would await me at the end of it. I think I was wrong, what has awaited me is loneliness, shame, regret and self blame and a feeling that everyone but me knows a secret or a code on how to make life work here.
In the meanwhile of course, the family back home looks at me like I am female Jesus for living in the USandA, and every single one of them is waiting to be personally salvaged by me, so it's not like I can turn to them for support, they simply are not capable of giving it; I love them just the same, it's not their fault, it's just how their extremely difficult lives have shaped them to be.
So, where are my blind spots? Is there any corner of this I can grab and maybe work on? Or do I just call it quits, which right now I don't even know what it would look like?
Thank you kindly for your time and thoughts.
You get this kind of question in here a lot I'm sure, in way more eloquent scripts and it has been answered it perhaps in a way or another, but I feel like I have fucked up in every single field of my life. If there was such a thing as reverse pride or something, I'd feel it, because it has to be some sort of accomplishment to mess up effortlessly five things at once.
I'm in my late 20s and have been living in NY for the past 7 years. I moved here from a troubled part of the world, in the hope of making something of myself with some grace and dignity. Coming from a very poor family, it has been an uphill battle in a very non romantic way; university took waaay longer to finish than most people because I had zero financial support, I struggle to make ends meet in a shitty job while looking for a job in the field I studied which has proven difficult because while others were gaining experience in their field, I was in said shitty jobs trying to pay for school and finish it.
On top of the practical, there's of course the existential; I struggle with feeling homesick and like I don't belong. I know everyone has that feeling at some point or another, whether they're expats or not, but it is so intense at times that it's crippling my ability to function and have a meaningful, satisfying life.
I have a hard time relating to most people,who seem so effortlessly successful, surrounded by family and friends, supported by their network and sharing stories of childhood and first loves. All those things for me are in another continent, and here they seem like luxuries I can't even dream of.
I feel as if everyone has already created their circles since high school or whatever, everyone has a high school sweetheart from fucking 8 years ago and it's as if just no one is interested in making space for someone new. I literally break down in sobs when I see pictures of people with their families on holidays, with their friends throughout the years etc.
I have a couple friends I made in college and I love them dearly, but after a couple common struggles as broke students that brought us together, their lives now have taken the smooth path they were destined for and I feel like the awkward, single third wheel who just tags along while doing math in their head to see how much their half will be while the rest of the group orders.
The romantic (LOL) part of my life hasn't been too great either; every single man I've been involved with since moving here has had some unresolved issues with an ex, which has eventually brought about the demise of the relationship because I feel like I can't stack up against their long history and everything they have shared throughout the years and I'm just the foreign outsider.
I knew the decision to move here would be a tough one and I was prepared for the laborious journey, but I was naively certain that a home would await me at the end of it. I think I was wrong, what has awaited me is loneliness, shame, regret and self blame and a feeling that everyone but me knows a secret or a code on how to make life work here.
In the meanwhile of course, the family back home looks at me like I am female Jesus for living in the USandA, and every single one of them is waiting to be personally salvaged by me, so it's not like I can turn to them for support, they simply are not capable of giving it; I love them just the same, it's not their fault, it's just how their extremely difficult lives have shaped them to be.
So, where are my blind spots? Is there any corner of this I can grab and maybe work on? Or do I just call it quits, which right now I don't even know what it would look like?
Thank you kindly for your time and thoughts.
Best answer: First, I think your primary issue is with perception. I am in my 50s and know enough now to appreciate that what you see on the outside is not necessarily what happens behind closed doors. That goes for material type items as well as individuals. The confidence some seemingly exude effortlessly is a "fake it until you make it" veneer. The seemingly successful 20 something with their own apartment and a shiny new car is likely leveraged up to their neck. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people who are locals get no support from their families or are looked upon as the one who is going to make good with a college degree and bring untold riches back to the family. All this is not unique to expats. Locals have the same thoughts and concerns.
As an outsider who just read your post, the first thing that struck me was how successful you actually are. You came here to NY from a foreign country with no support and have paid your way through college with shitty jobs? That is amazing! Not many people can say the made it in NY. It is a tremendous achievement. Seriously. If you were here for 7 months instead of 7 years, maybe it would be a failure, but 7 years? No. Success.
If it were me, I would declare victory and consider a move to a less expensive, smaller city. Even Chicago, Boston, DC where there are a lot of expats, or out west make a lot of sense. I do not know what your field of work is so I have no idea what opportunities are out there for you in another city, but as a native NYer I can attest to it being at once both a great place to live and a dark lonely place. There were plenty of times in my life where I was sitting on my gross couch eating spaghetti Os cold out of a can wondering what next. Turns out the answer is whatever I wanted. I set small attainable sub goals that would hopefully in the aggregate lead to my bigger goal.
I think a fresh perspective on all you have achieved is in order and then a reset on where you are heading. I think you would be surprised at what the folks back home really think too. If you have been living abroad for 7 years, they can have no other view than that you have been successful.
By the way, how do you measure success? How are your family and friends back home measuring it? We all have our own measures, but I would suggest that you look at success in a way that is less quantitative and more qualitative.
posted by AugustWest at 4:34 PM on January 25, 2016 [13 favorites]
As an outsider who just read your post, the first thing that struck me was how successful you actually are. You came here to NY from a foreign country with no support and have paid your way through college with shitty jobs? That is amazing! Not many people can say the made it in NY. It is a tremendous achievement. Seriously. If you were here for 7 months instead of 7 years, maybe it would be a failure, but 7 years? No. Success.
If it were me, I would declare victory and consider a move to a less expensive, smaller city. Even Chicago, Boston, DC where there are a lot of expats, or out west make a lot of sense. I do not know what your field of work is so I have no idea what opportunities are out there for you in another city, but as a native NYer I can attest to it being at once both a great place to live and a dark lonely place. There were plenty of times in my life where I was sitting on my gross couch eating spaghetti Os cold out of a can wondering what next. Turns out the answer is whatever I wanted. I set small attainable sub goals that would hopefully in the aggregate lead to my bigger goal.
I think a fresh perspective on all you have achieved is in order and then a reset on where you are heading. I think you would be surprised at what the folks back home really think too. If you have been living abroad for 7 years, they can have no other view than that you have been successful.
By the way, how do you measure success? How are your family and friends back home measuring it? We all have our own measures, but I would suggest that you look at success in a way that is less quantitative and more qualitative.
posted by AugustWest at 4:34 PM on January 25, 2016 [13 favorites]
Something that helped me was stumbling upon a soon-to-be-friend who was an immigrant, and as we got talking over some food, we discovered a whole lot of shared experience and struggles that we each thought were just us. A lot of your struggles obviously come from circumstances beyond your control, but probably more than you fully comprehend.
It's like the short step on the subway stairway - everyone who walks up the steps stumbles, and thinks their momentary loss of balance was their own clumsiness, but an outside observer can see clear as day that everyone taking that path stumbles, because the path itself is at fault.
Someone pointed out to me that to them, it was a deeply impressive thing to have the courage to leave everything you know and your support network and go to another place and make it. I had thought little of this. It wasn't on my mental list of grand achievements. You're in New York with a degree that you didn't go massively into debt for even though it's 2016! That alone is a seriously significant achievement to at least be deeply satisfied with, if not proud of, and many times so considering your background and lack of support.
You are also measuring yourself against a high bar - it is tough to make it in NY, and you are surrounded by people who had the support network to help them prosper there. This is actually a good thing - it sets your sights high, such that even as you fail to hit those targets, you still fly higher than you otherwise would. You just have to not let it get you down at the same time.
Romance... I hear dating in NY is really tough for women - not as many men, and lots of high-end competition. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep going. Sorry it sucks.
I agree with AugustWest - if you wanted to, you could declare victory in NY and seek a city that is better suited to you. You made it in NY the hard way. Now you can start figuring out how to best start carving out some prosperity and happiness.
Your family looks up to you for a reason.
posted by anonymisc at 4:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
It's like the short step on the subway stairway - everyone who walks up the steps stumbles, and thinks their momentary loss of balance was their own clumsiness, but an outside observer can see clear as day that everyone taking that path stumbles, because the path itself is at fault.
Someone pointed out to me that to them, it was a deeply impressive thing to have the courage to leave everything you know and your support network and go to another place and make it. I had thought little of this. It wasn't on my mental list of grand achievements. You're in New York with a degree that you didn't go massively into debt for even though it's 2016! That alone is a seriously significant achievement to at least be deeply satisfied with, if not proud of, and many times so considering your background and lack of support.
You are also measuring yourself against a high bar - it is tough to make it in NY, and you are surrounded by people who had the support network to help them prosper there. This is actually a good thing - it sets your sights high, such that even as you fail to hit those targets, you still fly higher than you otherwise would. You just have to not let it get you down at the same time.
Romance... I hear dating in NY is really tough for women - not as many men, and lots of high-end competition. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep going. Sorry it sucks.
I agree with AugustWest - if you wanted to, you could declare victory in NY and seek a city that is better suited to you. You made it in NY the hard way. Now you can start figuring out how to best start carving out some prosperity and happiness.
Your family looks up to you for a reason.
posted by anonymisc at 4:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
I don't know if this will help or not, but being from another country (in any part of the world) can often be isolating in itself. I'm saying this as a person who was probably a loner and didn't fit with people when I was younger, to living in another country for a few years; living in another country was the hardest and most isolating. From that perspective, there are a few things I would try first if I were in your shoes, depending on your location. If you are in NYC or a city with many expats, I would do whatever it takes to find an expat group with people from the same country - often, you connect immediately. If you can't, I'd find groups with people with all parts of the world, because there are likely commonalities (or just not meshing) with the current country. Finally, if that doesn't work, what about recent transplants to your city (Meetup groups are great from this if you are in NYC...if you are in a smaller town with a university, those groups exist too with groups for grad students, etc.). I think if you get you find your people, it will help. I believe that having just a few people who understand your point of view and see things from another perspective can help.
Also nthing the suggestion that if you are in NYC, and if your career track doesn't depend on your current location, I'd leave. Not to give up, but good Dog, this is an expensive city for someone right out of college and has several pressures on it that you often will not find in other parts of the country. Depending on your skills/degree, etc., some companies will pay you to move and/or a bonus fee to take the job - but that can be another thing to consider if you are looking for a new job as it is.
It has already been touched in other responses (the perception, seeing happy friends with no problems), but I also never realized until later in life...everyone, and I mean everyone, has a set of cards with good cards, bad cards, and you don't see the negative stuff. You might struggle with a job, but they might be struggling with (abuse, mental health, insert hundreds of things). If I could go back in time, I would mention to another person (if they are a friend) that you are struggling with X or Y, because you might not find out for many years, that you could have helped one another, that things weren't great on the inside.
There are many other things wrapped in your question (ie, career challenges). I don't know if you want to try another meta in a week with those specifics or throw those parameters out now with a followup question, but sometimes, ask meta can be helpful for an idea or two. If you are open to an outside perspective/brainstorming for your career, feel free to PM me (I've shifted careers a few times/gotten into others), but ...I don't know if it will apply to your field or not. But if you think it might, shoot me an email.
posted by Wolfster at 5:20 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also nthing the suggestion that if you are in NYC, and if your career track doesn't depend on your current location, I'd leave. Not to give up, but good Dog, this is an expensive city for someone right out of college and has several pressures on it that you often will not find in other parts of the country. Depending on your skills/degree, etc., some companies will pay you to move and/or a bonus fee to take the job - but that can be another thing to consider if you are looking for a new job as it is.
It has already been touched in other responses (the perception, seeing happy friends with no problems), but I also never realized until later in life...everyone, and I mean everyone, has a set of cards with good cards, bad cards, and you don't see the negative stuff. You might struggle with a job, but they might be struggling with (abuse, mental health, insert hundreds of things). If I could go back in time, I would mention to another person (if they are a friend) that you are struggling with X or Y, because you might not find out for many years, that you could have helped one another, that things weren't great on the inside.
There are many other things wrapped in your question (ie, career challenges). I don't know if you want to try another meta in a week with those specifics or throw those parameters out now with a followup question, but sometimes, ask meta can be helpful for an idea or two. If you are open to an outside perspective/brainstorming for your career, feel free to PM me (I've shifted careers a few times/gotten into others), but ...I don't know if it will apply to your field or not. But if you think it might, shoot me an email.
posted by Wolfster at 5:20 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
i don't really have anything super-positive to say (but second everyone else here - you don't sound like a failure to me). i did just want to add that you're absolutely not alone in feeling like this. i have had horribly bleak, angry, tired, frustrated, lonely times. i don't have any wonderful solution either: in the end, it seems to come down to saying "fuck you all" and focusing on placing one foot in front of the other.
but it does get better / easier with time (even after 7 years). good luck.
(oh, and don't sell yourself short on the "romantic" front. smart, strong and foreign is pretty damn hot).
posted by andrewcooke at 5:27 PM on January 25, 2016
but it does get better / easier with time (even after 7 years). good luck.
(oh, and don't sell yourself short on the "romantic" front. smart, strong and foreign is pretty damn hot).
posted by andrewcooke at 5:27 PM on January 25, 2016
Paying your way through college and then getting a job in the US as an expat is tough. Props. Seriously, don't be so hard on yourself. Relax. You're doing great. Keep looking for jobs. Like others said, you may want to consider a different locale. Hang in there (wherever that may be). Life is hard. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
I understand your feeling of homesickness as much as I can. I moved far from home after college. I still deal with it. I do think my homesickness is a bit of an illusion though. I tend to idealize home. When I've gone back to visit, I'm like, "Uh, why did I want to move back here?"
Also, it seems like a lot of your angst is coming from comparing yourself to others. I get the same way. I worked at a church for a few years. Believe me, the people that look the nicest don't always have the nicest lives. Some of the sweetest people appear the most... drab. The deepest, wisest, and kindest souls are often those who have been through hard things and come out on the other side. Things aren't always what they seem. Give up comparing yourself.
Speaking of church, have you considered attending somewhere? Christianity has a lot to say about hope, contentment, and community. A good church will be quick to welcome wanderers and strangers.
Also, I've found it helpful to read biographies and books about history to give me some perspective on my life. The book 1493 actually worked as a sort of antidepressant for me for awhile. So many people who moved to the New World went through batshit crazy stuff. It kind of made me think, "So you think you've got it hard? Rough? Weird?" I also enjoyed Winston Churchill's My Early Life. Pretty fascinating.
posted by uncannyslacks at 5:27 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
I understand your feeling of homesickness as much as I can. I moved far from home after college. I still deal with it. I do think my homesickness is a bit of an illusion though. I tend to idealize home. When I've gone back to visit, I'm like, "Uh, why did I want to move back here?"
Also, it seems like a lot of your angst is coming from comparing yourself to others. I get the same way. I worked at a church for a few years. Believe me, the people that look the nicest don't always have the nicest lives. Some of the sweetest people appear the most... drab. The deepest, wisest, and kindest souls are often those who have been through hard things and come out on the other side. Things aren't always what they seem. Give up comparing yourself.
Speaking of church, have you considered attending somewhere? Christianity has a lot to say about hope, contentment, and community. A good church will be quick to welcome wanderers and strangers.
Also, I've found it helpful to read biographies and books about history to give me some perspective on my life. The book 1493 actually worked as a sort of antidepressant for me for awhile. So many people who moved to the New World went through batshit crazy stuff. It kind of made me think, "So you think you've got it hard? Rough? Weird?" I also enjoyed Winston Churchill's My Early Life. Pretty fascinating.
posted by uncannyslacks at 5:27 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Don't compare your insides to someone else's outside. What you see is a highlight reel of people's bets moments, because most people don't share the internal struggles they face.
You have done something that is very difficult -- moving to the US, getting a degree that you paid for, and are starting the process of working in your field. These are things to be proud of. This is why your family looks up to you.
I understand your feelings of isolation. You have had a very different life experience than a lot of the people you meet. You may not have a clique of friends you've known since grade school, or a long and storied past of romances. But you do have the kind of grit and stamina to succeed (which you have!) in a very tough city, in a very competitive country where many others have failed, even people who were born here and have ties and networks that you feel you lack. These qualities will make you shine as a friend, and as a partner. Find your fellow expats, from your country and others, and I think you will find that you have a lot in common with them.
Give yourself some time to take a a hard look at how you define success, and try to make some peace with yourself because by most yardsticks, you are a brilliant fucking champion who deserves acknowledgement and praise for all you've managed to do.
Best of luck.
posted by ananci at 5:36 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
You have done something that is very difficult -- moving to the US, getting a degree that you paid for, and are starting the process of working in your field. These are things to be proud of. This is why your family looks up to you.
I understand your feelings of isolation. You have had a very different life experience than a lot of the people you meet. You may not have a clique of friends you've known since grade school, or a long and storied past of romances. But you do have the kind of grit and stamina to succeed (which you have!) in a very tough city, in a very competitive country where many others have failed, even people who were born here and have ties and networks that you feel you lack. These qualities will make you shine as a friend, and as a partner. Find your fellow expats, from your country and others, and I think you will find that you have a lot in common with them.
Give yourself some time to take a a hard look at how you define success, and try to make some peace with yourself because by most yardsticks, you are a brilliant fucking champion who deserves acknowledgement and praise for all you've managed to do.
Best of luck.
posted by ananci at 5:36 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you can make it here, you'll make it anywhere. It's up to you :)
posted by unknowncommand at 5:53 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by unknowncommand at 5:53 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Are there other expats from your homeland also living in NY? Maybe an association, a restaurant, a meeting place, a club, anything like that? If you can link up with some of your fellow countrymen, that could help a lot. A lot of them are no doubt going through many of the same issues you are, and it can really help to talk with others who understand exactly how you feel. You might even make some new friends.
posted by mono blanco at 6:15 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by mono blanco at 6:15 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
You know what? NYC is hard for a lot of people trying to make it with no family support. If you are not in a high-earning field (such as finance or law) it is pretty common to burn out on New York after a while. It's just such an expensive place. I say this not to diminish your unique situation, but to let you know that it's something that happens.
You might find another smaller city, like DC, much easier to live in. Plus in DC you might be able to leverage your international background.
posted by yarly at 7:11 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
You might find another smaller city, like DC, much easier to live in. Plus in DC you might be able to leverage your international background.
posted by yarly at 7:11 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I know it's hard. I'm an expat myself, and sometimes feel torn between two cultures, not really belonging in either (even though my two cultures are more similar than it sounds like yours are, so you've probably found it harder). I've also had my share of experience being much poorer or having had a more "difficult" background in some ways than most of the people I've spent time with. It can be really isolating and lonely.
On the isolation front, one thing to keep in mind is that American culture (more than many others) really encourages people to put on a shiny, confident veneer when they may not be feeling that way at all. So it's easy to think that everyone else has it all together and has had it easy, especially if you come from another culture that puts less emphasis on always putting your best face forward and appearing confident, happy, and totally put together.
Which is to say: I bet you any amount you want that nearly all of those people you see as having a smooth path and with few problems probably have some things of their own that they are shamefully hiding. Your path was probably harder in many ways (and for that, serious props! you have done great!) but try to look beyond the surface. Even if people haven't had the same problems as you, many people are struggling with money, addictions, lack of support or love from home, alienation, eating disorders, illness, etc. Those sorts of things know no boundaries of class or culture.
Also: find some other expats or expat groups. Or people from more working-class roots that have been where you're from economically. I think once you find at least a few people that feel like your "tribe", the rest will become a lot easier.
Hang in there, you're doing great.
posted by forza at 8:39 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
On the isolation front, one thing to keep in mind is that American culture (more than many others) really encourages people to put on a shiny, confident veneer when they may not be feeling that way at all. So it's easy to think that everyone else has it all together and has had it easy, especially if you come from another culture that puts less emphasis on always putting your best face forward and appearing confident, happy, and totally put together.
Which is to say: I bet you any amount you want that nearly all of those people you see as having a smooth path and with few problems probably have some things of their own that they are shamefully hiding. Your path was probably harder in many ways (and for that, serious props! you have done great!) but try to look beyond the surface. Even if people haven't had the same problems as you, many people are struggling with money, addictions, lack of support or love from home, alienation, eating disorders, illness, etc. Those sorts of things know no boundaries of class or culture.
Also: find some other expats or expat groups. Or people from more working-class roots that have been where you're from economically. I think once you find at least a few people that feel like your "tribe", the rest will become a lot easier.
Hang in there, you're doing great.
posted by forza at 8:39 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Like everyone else has said, I think your main blind spot is that you're not giving yourself enough credit. Living in a foreign country is hard, but if you do it long enough, hard becomes your new normal and you forget more and more often that what you're doing is actually really goddamn hard. And when you forget that, it's easy to star thinking that the reason you are having a hard time is because there is something defective about you, that it's your fault, that you're a failure for not living up to some glittering standard.
I imagine a place like New York is particularly, because it seems to be full of successful people who are quite sure they are successful just because they are so damn great, and who are actually successful because they come from wealthy families who could send them to good schools and who have connections and power in the communities in and around New York City. I think it's easier to get a job at Goldman & Sachs right out of college if you can spend your summer vacations interning there for free, because your parents were paying for school, or if your father or your mother or your uncle (or all three) works there.
posted by colfax at 2:58 AM on January 26, 2016 [4 favorites]
I imagine a place like New York is particularly, because it seems to be full of successful people who are quite sure they are successful just because they are so damn great, and who are actually successful because they come from wealthy families who could send them to good schools and who have connections and power in the communities in and around New York City. I think it's easier to get a job at Goldman & Sachs right out of college if you can spend your summer vacations interning there for free, because your parents were paying for school, or if your father or your mother or your uncle (or all three) works there.
posted by colfax at 2:58 AM on January 26, 2016 [4 favorites]
Just wanted to say that I doubt that there's anything wrong with YOU. You sound like you have a lot to offer... but it's not all about you GIVING. You should receive good things too.
American society can be really fakey, as several commenters have pointed out. Many, many people feel isolated as you do. I'm in my fifties, American-born and still live here, and often feel the same way you do. I settled in another state half a continent from where I grew up, made major life changes a few years after moving here, and now I'm just starting to try to rebuild a social network. I'm a good person with a lot to offer and it is STILL a very tough go, partially because I don't quite fit into the married/sportsloving demographic where I live.
I hate to say this but a big part of any freedom I have is financial. If I could move away from the pricey Northeast, I would, but there are other factors that keep me here. If I were younger now, I would look at Philadelphia, Chicago, or maybe an up-and-coming Southern city like Nashville. BTW New Orleans is very much up and coming, and everyone and his two-headed brother WILL talk to you. It's getting expensive there though.
Consider online friendships and chat as a way to feel less isolated in the meantime. I belong to a couple good Slack teams - please feel free to MeMail me about that or anything else.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 5:42 AM on January 26, 2016
American society can be really fakey, as several commenters have pointed out. Many, many people feel isolated as you do. I'm in my fifties, American-born and still live here, and often feel the same way you do. I settled in another state half a continent from where I grew up, made major life changes a few years after moving here, and now I'm just starting to try to rebuild a social network. I'm a good person with a lot to offer and it is STILL a very tough go, partially because I don't quite fit into the married/sportsloving demographic where I live.
I hate to say this but a big part of any freedom I have is financial. If I could move away from the pricey Northeast, I would, but there are other factors that keep me here. If I were younger now, I would look at Philadelphia, Chicago, or maybe an up-and-coming Southern city like Nashville. BTW New Orleans is very much up and coming, and everyone and his two-headed brother WILL talk to you. It's getting expensive there though.
Consider online friendships and chat as a way to feel less isolated in the meantime. I belong to a couple good Slack teams - please feel free to MeMail me about that or anything else.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 5:42 AM on January 26, 2016
Best answer: While it is human nature to compare yourself to others and see all your failings, that's not a fair fight. I sometimes like to think of humans as plants trying to grow upwards and outwards. If planted in proper soil, and given enough light and water, and kept free of weeds and guarded from pests, then a plant can grow very high indeed. If it is planted on a raised bed, it will grow even higher. If it is pruned and tended for height and pegged to a stake to help support it it can grow higher still. Should we praise the plant? Should we look down on the plant that has scratched out a living in nearly barren soil and managed to survive and is even starting to show a flower or two? If anything, that plant is showing more promise. Anyone can succeed if they're set up for it, and many of them even won't. But to survive alone means this plant has something going on. It is tough and resilient and if we give it some more time it is probably going to develop some pretty tough roots of its own. Maybe a whole new garden will grow around it.
What you're feeling is real. Your peers really do have more than you. They have roots, resources, networks. You're going it alone. It's way, way harder. If that gets you down, try to look at your achievements relative to your past self, instead of relative to your peers.
One other thing. I have people in my life who are very anchored in their home communities much like your peers, and people who are not. I identify more with the latter. And I think there are pros and cons to both approaches. We all cry out for community and love and support, but for those who have grown into what was around them, it can be limiting, like a gilded cage. The smooth path only stays smooth if you follow where it wants you to go. And breaking out and going your own way can be hard, because if you grow up in that kind of world, you have to give everything up, and you probably never developed the resilience to survive and figure things out on your own. As your peers age into their 30s and onward I would not be surprised if many of them start to get 'is this all there is' feelings and start to wonder about what else is out there, and maybe even start to feel a bit trapped. (Do you see a lot of escapism? Do they drink a lot for example? Do they zone out and watch a lot of TV? This can be very telling, if you look out for it.)
It is hard building a life from scratch. So, so hard, and lonely. But you get to do it on your terms. You get to choose your community, you get to choose where you are and what you value and what success looks like. And it may not feel like it, but you are building towards something. After seven years you have gained a foothold. How far will you go in another seven?
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:56 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
What you're feeling is real. Your peers really do have more than you. They have roots, resources, networks. You're going it alone. It's way, way harder. If that gets you down, try to look at your achievements relative to your past self, instead of relative to your peers.
One other thing. I have people in my life who are very anchored in their home communities much like your peers, and people who are not. I identify more with the latter. And I think there are pros and cons to both approaches. We all cry out for community and love and support, but for those who have grown into what was around them, it can be limiting, like a gilded cage. The smooth path only stays smooth if you follow where it wants you to go. And breaking out and going your own way can be hard, because if you grow up in that kind of world, you have to give everything up, and you probably never developed the resilience to survive and figure things out on your own. As your peers age into their 30s and onward I would not be surprised if many of them start to get 'is this all there is' feelings and start to wonder about what else is out there, and maybe even start to feel a bit trapped. (Do you see a lot of escapism? Do they drink a lot for example? Do they zone out and watch a lot of TV? This can be very telling, if you look out for it.)
It is hard building a life from scratch. So, so hard, and lonely. But you get to do it on your terms. You get to choose your community, you get to choose where you are and what you value and what success looks like. And it may not feel like it, but you are building towards something. After seven years you have gained a foothold. How far will you go in another seven?
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:56 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've been an expat since 1998....first in one country, then in another.
I moved to Country 1 to do my undergraduate degree. I had some family in the country but not the city where I went to uni. I finished my undergraduate degree, didn't want to move back, did a masters, spent some time in dead end jobs living with family whilst working out what I wanted to be for my grown up job, moved away from family to start said job, moved to change jobs, moved back to near family for yet another job all in Country 1. I lived in 4 different cities in Country 1 (one twice, for reasons I am not sure made sense looking back) over the course of 11.5 years.
I ended up in Country 2 through a secondment at work. It wasn't a place I'd ever considered moving to if work hadn't suggested it and I was supposed to be here for 18 months and did minimal integration type stuff as a result. I settled for an apartment I wasn't keen on, in a city I'd not have picked, I also work in a job with long hrs and a reasonable degree of mobility. Getting to know your neighbours and making friends locally was not a priority both because I don't mind being alone and because it was another logistical problem to overcome. As a result I never bothered to look at Country 2 as new home. Except that at some point my secondment was up and I decided to change to a local contract for various reasons and stay in Country 2. At that point I moved to a different city because I never liked my 'transitional' arrangements in this regard. I've now been here for just over 5 years, 2.5 in my current city and over the last 18 months or so it's started to feel like home. In fact I'm just in the middle of planning a bunch of home improvement type stuff - the sort of thing you don't really do for 'temporary' living arrangements - and consider myself quite settled.
Things I do do to feel close to my family and friends who live abroad is to stay in touch in ways taht work for the various individuals. Phone, Skype, SMS, email...whatever works for the othe rperson. I now have a small number of local friends as well and I make sure to find time to spend with them even though I work long hrs in neighbouring cities or countries or whatever it might be this week.
I get the impression you've had such an uphill struggle with this massive move, getting your degree, working to support yourself that you've not been able to dedicate much timeand energy towards developing your local network. So I'd spend time actively doing that. Find a hobby that involves other people. Something that requires you to meet regularly. Make connections that way. It gives you something that's rewarding in itself (you picked up that hobby because you enjoy it!) and it gives you a chance to connect with others over this common interest so you're more likely to connect.
Also, if your living situation is clearly designed as transient/survival mode type set-up, I suggest you work out what that means for you and what you can do to change that. It made a huge difference to my feeling of belonging, when I found somewhere to live that I liked, found some furnitre I liked and started to look after that place as my home. I hear you saying you've not got a lot of money. But it's more about the attitude you bring to it. You can do little things tha cost no/little money, to make your place feel more like home.
If you can start to pay attention to these two aspects of your life you'll feel a lot more connected and have a greater sense of belonging. And other things come from that. Your social circle changes, you will find a more suitable job, your finances change and you can pick up other interests and meet other people at work and play so....start at the beginning - with small things you can change now to make you feel more at home.
Also, it's difficult for people without direct migration experience to understand the sort of disconnect you can feel from a place and its people. Reach out to some of those networks/communities if possible.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:04 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I moved to Country 1 to do my undergraduate degree. I had some family in the country but not the city where I went to uni. I finished my undergraduate degree, didn't want to move back, did a masters, spent some time in dead end jobs living with family whilst working out what I wanted to be for my grown up job, moved away from family to start said job, moved to change jobs, moved back to near family for yet another job all in Country 1. I lived in 4 different cities in Country 1 (one twice, for reasons I am not sure made sense looking back) over the course of 11.5 years.
I ended up in Country 2 through a secondment at work. It wasn't a place I'd ever considered moving to if work hadn't suggested it and I was supposed to be here for 18 months and did minimal integration type stuff as a result. I settled for an apartment I wasn't keen on, in a city I'd not have picked, I also work in a job with long hrs and a reasonable degree of mobility. Getting to know your neighbours and making friends locally was not a priority both because I don't mind being alone and because it was another logistical problem to overcome. As a result I never bothered to look at Country 2 as new home. Except that at some point my secondment was up and I decided to change to a local contract for various reasons and stay in Country 2. At that point I moved to a different city because I never liked my 'transitional' arrangements in this regard. I've now been here for just over 5 years, 2.5 in my current city and over the last 18 months or so it's started to feel like home. In fact I'm just in the middle of planning a bunch of home improvement type stuff - the sort of thing you don't really do for 'temporary' living arrangements - and consider myself quite settled.
Things I do do to feel close to my family and friends who live abroad is to stay in touch in ways taht work for the various individuals. Phone, Skype, SMS, email...whatever works for the othe rperson. I now have a small number of local friends as well and I make sure to find time to spend with them even though I work long hrs in neighbouring cities or countries or whatever it might be this week.
I get the impression you've had such an uphill struggle with this massive move, getting your degree, working to support yourself that you've not been able to dedicate much timeand energy towards developing your local network. So I'd spend time actively doing that. Find a hobby that involves other people. Something that requires you to meet regularly. Make connections that way. It gives you something that's rewarding in itself (you picked up that hobby because you enjoy it!) and it gives you a chance to connect with others over this common interest so you're more likely to connect.
Also, if your living situation is clearly designed as transient/survival mode type set-up, I suggest you work out what that means for you and what you can do to change that. It made a huge difference to my feeling of belonging, when I found somewhere to live that I liked, found some furnitre I liked and started to look after that place as my home. I hear you saying you've not got a lot of money. But it's more about the attitude you bring to it. You can do little things tha cost no/little money, to make your place feel more like home.
If you can start to pay attention to these two aspects of your life you'll feel a lot more connected and have a greater sense of belonging. And other things come from that. Your social circle changes, you will find a more suitable job, your finances change and you can pick up other interests and meet other people at work and play so....start at the beginning - with small things you can change now to make you feel more at home.
Also, it's difficult for people without direct migration experience to understand the sort of disconnect you can feel from a place and its people. Reach out to some of those networks/communities if possible.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:04 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Kohiatamadi has some especially good advice. I urge you to follow it.
I have been thinking about you all day and I just checked in to tell you that I feel your hard work is foing to start to pay off very soon. I think you're going to have a breakthrough. I don't often have hunches like this so I just had to tell you. Something good's coming! Don't give up!
posted by tel3path at 3:11 PM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have been thinking about you all day and I just checked in to tell you that I feel your hard work is foing to start to pay off very soon. I think you're going to have a breakthrough. I don't often have hunches like this so I just had to tell you. Something good's coming! Don't give up!
posted by tel3path at 3:11 PM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for encouraging words, I am floored by your kindness. You have offered me great consolation in knowing I'm not unique or alone in my struggles, and I appreciate all the tips and advise you've shared for making this a bit easier. I'm really glad I reached out and posted here.
posted by ariadne_88 at 3:19 PM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ariadne_88 at 3:19 PM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
People from all over the U.S. move to NYC and feel the same way, many of them leave after awhile. The same applies to other big cities like L.A. You haven’t failed, that’s what people do. I wouldn’t be surprised if 7 years was close to the average stay in NYC. It’s not always a lifetime commitment. It’s a big country, and it’s very different depending on where you are.
posted by bongo_x at 6:01 PM on January 26, 2016
posted by bongo_x at 6:01 PM on January 26, 2016
I’m an expat too. I put myself through college in the US, and ended up in a different country, and am also sort of doing… not as well as my friends here but much better than several people I know back home. On top of that, most of the US expats here are here because they’re company transferred them and they live in expensive beachy neighbourhoods and that’s not us at all. It’s a weird sort of limbo to be in, and I’m still searching myself. Fwiw, I don’t have any of those things you talk about, even in my home country. As you noted, there are lots of questions on Ask about making friends as an adult, about where and how to make home, from expats, etc. You are definitely not alone.
It is HARD to get by in the US, especially in NYC. (So hard I left and chose to live in my husband’s country! And we weren’t even in NYC!) It’s lonely here, but moving back wouldn’t fix anything either. Or it might fix a few things, but would also create a whole bunch of other problems.
I am wondering if NYC doesn’t have more than it’s share of old money/trust fund kid etc. Moving somewhere with a slightly different demographic and lower cost of living might take some of the pressure off. I know a lot of people who put themselves through college, and a lot of us didn’t do it in NYC precisely because of how hard that is (you’re incredible! ). Also, different immigrant/expat communities tend to cluster in different locations. If NYC doesn’t have a strong cluster of people from your home country, somewhere else might and having access to that community might help.
I think “home” is a “the journey is the destination” kind of thing. Even my dad (who lives a few miles from where he grew up) admits he feels sort of homesick for his grandparents’ house + gas station. He spent a lot of happy time there as a kid, and that felt like home to him. I think a lot of adults are sort of adrift and a lot of us are trying to make a place that feels like home. It’s hard. Having been back and moved abroad several times, I can say that my “home” country doesn’t feel like home anymore either.
What has made this better? I’ve been here four years, and this is what’s helping: really really internalising the fact that moving back to my home country wouldn’t solve anything, combined with deciding that I’m here because I want to be and because I LIKE it here. I’m putting more effort into finding friends (Meet-Up groups, etc) that are peers. I’ve also been journaling more, and putting more into thinking about what I want, what would make this feel more like home, and how I could go about creating it. It’s slow.
Lastly, I did a short literature review for a class in collection development about this, and would happily send it to you –MeMail me if interested. I found the terms “third culture” “Bicultural” and “acculturation” much more useful than “immigrant” “refugee” or “expat” fwiw.
MeMail me anytime, really!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:13 PM on January 27, 2016
It is HARD to get by in the US, especially in NYC. (So hard I left and chose to live in my husband’s country! And we weren’t even in NYC!) It’s lonely here, but moving back wouldn’t fix anything either. Or it might fix a few things, but would also create a whole bunch of other problems.
I am wondering if NYC doesn’t have more than it’s share of old money/trust fund kid etc. Moving somewhere with a slightly different demographic and lower cost of living might take some of the pressure off. I know a lot of people who put themselves through college, and a lot of us didn’t do it in NYC precisely because of how hard that is (you’re incredible! ). Also, different immigrant/expat communities tend to cluster in different locations. If NYC doesn’t have a strong cluster of people from your home country, somewhere else might and having access to that community might help.
I think “home” is a “the journey is the destination” kind of thing. Even my dad (who lives a few miles from where he grew up) admits he feels sort of homesick for his grandparents’ house + gas station. He spent a lot of happy time there as a kid, and that felt like home to him. I think a lot of adults are sort of adrift and a lot of us are trying to make a place that feels like home. It’s hard. Having been back and moved abroad several times, I can say that my “home” country doesn’t feel like home anymore either.
What has made this better? I’ve been here four years, and this is what’s helping: really really internalising the fact that moving back to my home country wouldn’t solve anything, combined with deciding that I’m here because I want to be and because I LIKE it here. I’m putting more effort into finding friends (Meet-Up groups, etc) that are peers. I’ve also been journaling more, and putting more into thinking about what I want, what would make this feel more like home, and how I could go about creating it. It’s slow.
Lastly, I did a short literature review for a class in collection development about this, and would happily send it to you –MeMail me if interested. I found the terms “third culture” “Bicultural” and “acculturation” much more useful than “immigrant” “refugee” or “expat” fwiw.
MeMail me anytime, really!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:13 PM on January 27, 2016
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If it helps hearing it from the other side- I'm a late 20's woman who just moved back to the USA after about 5 years abroad. I have no current romantic life, or job, or apartment.
I feel unmoored as college friends are spread across the country, as is family and many other friends are now across the world. The USA will be as much of a home as you want to make it. Leasing the same apartment for several years, inviting friends for dinner nights at your place, being a regular at a bar or coffee shop, knowing the local places to eat, having late fees at the library. It's not easy and it takes A LOT of time. Right now stinks a lot, that happens. I don't think there's ever a time living abroad that ever becomes perfect.
Something that helped me a lot when I was living abroad was comparing what would still be difficult for me if I were living "at home." I would still have transportation issues, weather would suck in different ways. I would still be plane flights away from friends. And then I would list all the good things, as silly or small as they were, about where I was right then.
I hope that helps a bit. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more- or even meet up if you're in the NYC area.
posted by raccoon409 at 4:33 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]