I have ruined my life
December 27, 2015 7:59 PM Subscribe
An ongoing problem with my brother's girlfriend not liking me resulted in me blowing up in a way that makes him not want to deal with me anymore. I can't take back what I did, but he doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that he hurt my feelings too, essentially saying that my blow up was so bad that his part in the conflict isn't worth talking about. What do I do?
My brother is my roommate and he started dating someone last year who at first was nice to me and then over the course of time started behaving in an extremely hostile way towards me (some of which I have discussed in recent AskMe and MeTa comments around Thanksgiving, when she was campaigning hard to get me disinvited from my own family's Thanksgiving dinner). I honestly don't what what her problem is with me and at this point I don't care; the problem seems to be that she is used to always being the center of attention in her relationships and wants to extend that out into her boyfriend's family as well. There was a time when I thought I could be the bigger person and repair the relationship with her (as it were), but now I really don't give a shit. She doesn't like me and I don't like her, and when I am around my brother and her my brother gives me the cold shoulder and hardly speaks to me, which I think is shitty.
I also have had a horrible year this year, mostly centered around the fact that for the first six months of the year I was working at a company with a boss who bullied and gaslighted me, frequently broke out into anxiety tailspins and scary rages, told me that I was too fat to wear dresses to work, told me that other people found me unapproachable (which was not the feedback that my colleagues would tell me directly) and that I needed to work harder at being empathetic and therefore should use more smiley faces and exclamation points when I email people, undermined me with vendors whom I have had a long relationship with in my career even before I started working at this company, was obviously bothered by the fact that I had a larger vendor network than she did, made loud racist comments about Arabs, told me that I spoke too loudly on the phone to my vendors and needed to use "office voice" as opposed to "kitchen voice" (I am a visible minority in that office), and then eventually got to a point where no matter what I did in her eyes I couldn't do anything right. I appealed to our HR director for some advice as to how to repair the situation and my boss got wind of it and escalating her bullying, leaving me out of important meetings and finally termed me for not being "dynamic" enough even though I completely work done and accurately and was great at forecasting.
I subsequently found a job but didn't do enough due diligence about the company and found myself in an office full of binge drinkers (drinking on the job) who pulled 12 hour workdays, total techbro yuckiness. And yet somehow I didn't have enough to do and nobody told me what was going on and I'd be left out of meetings. There was a holiday party last week that was something out of Animal House. I used to have a drinking problem in college and I was also roofied at an office holiday party a few years back (see my AskMe on that from 2011). I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave but was literally blocked from leaving at the door with the implication that the CEO would be angry if I left. I panicked and ran out through the fire door and submitted my resignation. I did not feel safe in that office.
I have been on medication for bipolar II since 2008 and have been in therapy for anger management issues and my therapist says that I have some mild PTSD from being excluded from work meetings which has now bled into my personal life. Brother and I have a shared google calendar that we have used to keep track of basics of where we are each day (work or vacation) so we make sure the cat that we share gets taken care of. This also includes stuff he does with girlfriend, which I don't give a shit about. Girlfriend has recently gotten annoyed that I even have visibility into his calendar (info I have gotten from brother's mother - we don't have the same bio-mom - who also doesn't care for girlfriend's drama) and has demanded that he block me from it, which he did. My PTSD brain interpreted that the same was as being excluded from work meetings, but amplified 100 fold because this is my brother and I know his girlfriend doesn't want me in his life. I assumed this meant he didn't want me in his life either, and i thought i deserved an explanation, which he said he'd give but not right a way, ina couple of days. I went into a full on PTSD tailspin/manic fight or flight episode, came home, cut up photos of me and my brother (because I felt he had ended our friendship by cutting me out of his life) and told him he was a coward for telling me in such an indirect way (calendar) that he was cutting me out of his life. He came home, got mad about the photos and me calling him a coward, and refused to tell me the full reason why he did the calendar thing, saying that my behavior was scary and made him feel unsafe at home.
I am willing to take responsibilty for that but I feel he needs to take responsibility that his actions hurt my feelings and he treats me like shit around his girlfriend. Yes I did something bad, but he refuses to see that by putting up with her bad treatment of me he also treats me badly. It's like he things this is all our fault. At any rate he says he's not sure he can still live with me if I have PTSD, even if I'm working to change it. This really hurts.
What can I do to show him that I am working on getting better? I really am working on it but I'm not getting better fast enough. I started going downhill depression wise last year when Robin Williams committed suicide but it's gotten amplified this year because of the job problems and the girlfriend hating me problems. I am always compliant with taking my meds and I dont' understand why this monster keeps roaring up and making me behave badly and I can't make it stop and now my brother doesn't want to be around me. How can I get better and show him that? My only other friend in this area just moved to Maine, and my already longish distance boyfriend just took a job that will require a lot of travel so I will see him less. Now it feels like I am losing someone else important in my life, like I have pushed my brother away for bieng a monster and now I have lost my only family here, my big brother who has always taken care of me, because I am a bad monster who ruins things, and I lost one job and ran from another, and I fail at everything because I am bad. I had suicidal thoughts back in July but they have gone away but I am afraid they will come back again because I have ruined my life by pushign away my brother. How can I fix this? I know it's on me to do most of the work but why won't he just tell me things when he decides to do them (calendar settings) and insted puts me in a postion where I freak out for two days that he's angry at me or cutting me out of his life. why can't he give me the info up front/ stuff like this has been happening for years where he doesn't give me enouhg info and i get upset and he says he will explain later. why do i have to beg for info which will help me stop having a freakout? why is that so hard for him?
I know that I am the bad guy here. how can i fix this? how do i fix mtself so he stops hating me. how do i stop being a monster? should i go on a mental health retreat or something? would that help? sorry for the typos i am very upset and I have ruined my life and my brother doesn't feel safe aorund me because I called him a coward and tore up some photos. is that erally dangerous behavior? i don't know. i dont' even know. did i harm him? i truly am ignorant., did i harm him? help me understand and make it better
My brother is my roommate and he started dating someone last year who at first was nice to me and then over the course of time started behaving in an extremely hostile way towards me (some of which I have discussed in recent AskMe and MeTa comments around Thanksgiving, when she was campaigning hard to get me disinvited from my own family's Thanksgiving dinner). I honestly don't what what her problem is with me and at this point I don't care; the problem seems to be that she is used to always being the center of attention in her relationships and wants to extend that out into her boyfriend's family as well. There was a time when I thought I could be the bigger person and repair the relationship with her (as it were), but now I really don't give a shit. She doesn't like me and I don't like her, and when I am around my brother and her my brother gives me the cold shoulder and hardly speaks to me, which I think is shitty.
I also have had a horrible year this year, mostly centered around the fact that for the first six months of the year I was working at a company with a boss who bullied and gaslighted me, frequently broke out into anxiety tailspins and scary rages, told me that I was too fat to wear dresses to work, told me that other people found me unapproachable (which was not the feedback that my colleagues would tell me directly) and that I needed to work harder at being empathetic and therefore should use more smiley faces and exclamation points when I email people, undermined me with vendors whom I have had a long relationship with in my career even before I started working at this company, was obviously bothered by the fact that I had a larger vendor network than she did, made loud racist comments about Arabs, told me that I spoke too loudly on the phone to my vendors and needed to use "office voice" as opposed to "kitchen voice" (I am a visible minority in that office), and then eventually got to a point where no matter what I did in her eyes I couldn't do anything right. I appealed to our HR director for some advice as to how to repair the situation and my boss got wind of it and escalating her bullying, leaving me out of important meetings and finally termed me for not being "dynamic" enough even though I completely work done and accurately and was great at forecasting.
I subsequently found a job but didn't do enough due diligence about the company and found myself in an office full of binge drinkers (drinking on the job) who pulled 12 hour workdays, total techbro yuckiness. And yet somehow I didn't have enough to do and nobody told me what was going on and I'd be left out of meetings. There was a holiday party last week that was something out of Animal House. I used to have a drinking problem in college and I was also roofied at an office holiday party a few years back (see my AskMe on that from 2011). I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave but was literally blocked from leaving at the door with the implication that the CEO would be angry if I left. I panicked and ran out through the fire door and submitted my resignation. I did not feel safe in that office.
I have been on medication for bipolar II since 2008 and have been in therapy for anger management issues and my therapist says that I have some mild PTSD from being excluded from work meetings which has now bled into my personal life. Brother and I have a shared google calendar that we have used to keep track of basics of where we are each day (work or vacation) so we make sure the cat that we share gets taken care of. This also includes stuff he does with girlfriend, which I don't give a shit about. Girlfriend has recently gotten annoyed that I even have visibility into his calendar (info I have gotten from brother's mother - we don't have the same bio-mom - who also doesn't care for girlfriend's drama) and has demanded that he block me from it, which he did. My PTSD brain interpreted that the same was as being excluded from work meetings, but amplified 100 fold because this is my brother and I know his girlfriend doesn't want me in his life. I assumed this meant he didn't want me in his life either, and i thought i deserved an explanation, which he said he'd give but not right a way, ina couple of days. I went into a full on PTSD tailspin/manic fight or flight episode, came home, cut up photos of me and my brother (because I felt he had ended our friendship by cutting me out of his life) and told him he was a coward for telling me in such an indirect way (calendar) that he was cutting me out of his life. He came home, got mad about the photos and me calling him a coward, and refused to tell me the full reason why he did the calendar thing, saying that my behavior was scary and made him feel unsafe at home.
I am willing to take responsibilty for that but I feel he needs to take responsibility that his actions hurt my feelings and he treats me like shit around his girlfriend. Yes I did something bad, but he refuses to see that by putting up with her bad treatment of me he also treats me badly. It's like he things this is all our fault. At any rate he says he's not sure he can still live with me if I have PTSD, even if I'm working to change it. This really hurts.
What can I do to show him that I am working on getting better? I really am working on it but I'm not getting better fast enough. I started going downhill depression wise last year when Robin Williams committed suicide but it's gotten amplified this year because of the job problems and the girlfriend hating me problems. I am always compliant with taking my meds and I dont' understand why this monster keeps roaring up and making me behave badly and I can't make it stop and now my brother doesn't want to be around me. How can I get better and show him that? My only other friend in this area just moved to Maine, and my already longish distance boyfriend just took a job that will require a lot of travel so I will see him less. Now it feels like I am losing someone else important in my life, like I have pushed my brother away for bieng a monster and now I have lost my only family here, my big brother who has always taken care of me, because I am a bad monster who ruins things, and I lost one job and ran from another, and I fail at everything because I am bad. I had suicidal thoughts back in July but they have gone away but I am afraid they will come back again because I have ruined my life by pushign away my brother. How can I fix this? I know it's on me to do most of the work but why won't he just tell me things when he decides to do them (calendar settings) and insted puts me in a postion where I freak out for two days that he's angry at me or cutting me out of his life. why can't he give me the info up front/ stuff like this has been happening for years where he doesn't give me enouhg info and i get upset and he says he will explain later. why do i have to beg for info which will help me stop having a freakout? why is that so hard for him?
I know that I am the bad guy here. how can i fix this? how do i fix mtself so he stops hating me. how do i stop being a monster? should i go on a mental health retreat or something? would that help? sorry for the typos i am very upset and I have ruined my life and my brother doesn't feel safe aorund me because I called him a coward and tore up some photos. is that erally dangerous behavior? i don't know. i dont' even know. did i harm him? i truly am ignorant., did i harm him? help me understand and make it better
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
It sounds like you could both really use some more space. Your brother is developing a more committed personal life and that may mean that he does need to adjust his other relationships in ways that allow him to honor his relationship with his girlfriend, which is growing in seriousness. He has a right to do that and a right to ask for more privacy in his life. It's a shame he didn't find a way to talk with you about it first. Not everyone has an innate ability to have those tough conversations. It is a shame that you and the girlfriend don't have a better relationship, but it is poison to any family relationship to make a family member choose between family and a partner. I understand you don't like her, but it's hard to say whether that is really due to her being a terrible person or you being a terrible person; it's possible you have sent one another unwelcoming signals because you may see one another as competing for your brother's attention.
It also sounds like you're really distraught. Can you email or print this and bring it to your present therapist so you can make a plan with her or him for getting through this difficult part? You are a worthwhile person who is caught in a maelstrom of emotion right now. That happens during times of change. Taking care of yourself right now probably looks like talking this through with a more objective third party. I don't know if MeFi will have enough insight into the situation, but your own therapist might. Please give them a call or write an email tonight or tomorrow to set up a next conversation and get some relief from these thoughts that are persecuting you.
posted by Miko at 8:16 PM on December 27, 2015 [20 favorites]
It also sounds like you're really distraught. Can you email or print this and bring it to your present therapist so you can make a plan with her or him for getting through this difficult part? You are a worthwhile person who is caught in a maelstrom of emotion right now. That happens during times of change. Taking care of yourself right now probably looks like talking this through with a more objective third party. I don't know if MeFi will have enough insight into the situation, but your own therapist might. Please give them a call or write an email tonight or tomorrow to set up a next conversation and get some relief from these thoughts that are persecuting you.
posted by Miko at 8:16 PM on December 27, 2015 [20 favorites]
Hey there. I think perhaps you need two related things right now: some self care and a call to your therapist. Tell them what is going on. Take a hot bath and read a book and look at cute cats on the Internet. Distract yourself until you can talk to your therapist. You are really upset right now and it is totally ok that you are so upset, but I know that when I am in a really upset state that I don't do things that are good for me.
So try as hard as you can to step away, turn off the hamster in your brain, and do something relaxing and call your therapist first thing in the morning. They can help walk you through this situation far better than we mefites can.
When my brain hamster is running around and I can't stop thinking about something awful I have found that it helps me to acknowledge it ("hey hamster, you are here again") and then consciously make myself think of something else. Sometimes I count backwards from 100. Sometimes I try to learn all the lyrics of a song I like. Sometimes I read. The hamster keeps churning around in my brain and every time it gets noisy and tries to make me think about The Upsetting Thing I acknowledge it and then go back to what I am doing. And then eventually I go to bed and fall asleep and I call my therapist in the morning.
One more thing: you aren't a monster. You're going to be alright. You are having a hard time, but that does not make you a monster. Try to be kind to yourself right now. You are under a tremendous amount of stress and you should treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who was as upset as you are at present.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:17 PM on December 27, 2015 [18 favorites]
So try as hard as you can to step away, turn off the hamster in your brain, and do something relaxing and call your therapist first thing in the morning. They can help walk you through this situation far better than we mefites can.
When my brain hamster is running around and I can't stop thinking about something awful I have found that it helps me to acknowledge it ("hey hamster, you are here again") and then consciously make myself think of something else. Sometimes I count backwards from 100. Sometimes I try to learn all the lyrics of a song I like. Sometimes I read. The hamster keeps churning around in my brain and every time it gets noisy and tries to make me think about The Upsetting Thing I acknowledge it and then go back to what I am doing. And then eventually I go to bed and fall asleep and I call my therapist in the morning.
One more thing: you aren't a monster. You're going to be alright. You are having a hard time, but that does not make you a monster. Try to be kind to yourself right now. You are under a tremendous amount of stress and you should treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who was as upset as you are at present.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:17 PM on December 27, 2015 [18 favorites]
Leave your brother's girlfriend alone. There is no point in getting into conflict with your siblings' significant others.
Truthfully, I think you would be wise to investigate a new therapist, a new medication dosage or course of therapy, or perhaps even an inpatient program. Your agitated depression and anxiety are ruining your life and it doesn't have to be this way.
Lots of people have been where you are. I can tell you from experience there's a way through this but you have got to look the real issue in the face, and it's not your brother's girlfriend or your old boss or whatever other person you've run afoul of recently. You're a good person who's having a rough time. Whatever you're doing now could be working better. You need more or better help.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:21 PM on December 27, 2015 [17 favorites]
Truthfully, I think you would be wise to investigate a new therapist, a new medication dosage or course of therapy, or perhaps even an inpatient program. Your agitated depression and anxiety are ruining your life and it doesn't have to be this way.
Lots of people have been where you are. I can tell you from experience there's a way through this but you have got to look the real issue in the face, and it's not your brother's girlfriend or your old boss or whatever other person you've run afoul of recently. You're a good person who's having a rough time. Whatever you're doing now could be working better. You need more or better help.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:21 PM on December 27, 2015 [17 favorites]
You're right. Living someplace where you are not respected or valued or made safe is ruining your life.
Take control of your circumstances by moving out. Fuck your brother. He's unreachable. Put on your oxygen mask and move someplace emotionally safer than where you live now.
Focus on your wellbeing. Move on to a better fit. This isn't working. You'll be soooo much happier elsewhere. Guaranteed.
posted by jbenben at 8:30 PM on December 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
Take control of your circumstances by moving out. Fuck your brother. He's unreachable. Put on your oxygen mask and move someplace emotionally safer than where you live now.
Focus on your wellbeing. Move on to a better fit. This isn't working. You'll be soooo much happier elsewhere. Guaranteed.
posted by jbenben at 8:30 PM on December 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm also going to add that I, personally, think that you should attempt to stop drinking because the way you consume alcohol sounds like self-medicating your PTSD to me.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:42 PM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:42 PM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can't make your brother do anything. You can only do you. This sounds really hard but blaming your brother and his girlfriend and your former workplaces for your problems is not going to help you in the long run. Catastrophizing and saying that you have ruined your life is also not going to help you. He cut off your access to his calendar. That's annoying but responding by cutting up pictures is not proportional.
You need to be okay without him in your life. Maybe if you can get to a point where you can be okay without him in your life, he will feel more comfortable being a part of your life but there are no guarantees there, which is why you need to be healthy for you. If he got hit by a bus tomorrow, that would be awful but you would still need to find a way to be okay without him. I think that should be your goal.
posted by kat518 at 9:30 PM on December 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
You need to be okay without him in your life. Maybe if you can get to a point where you can be okay without him in your life, he will feel more comfortable being a part of your life but there are no guarantees there, which is why you need to be healthy for you. If he got hit by a bus tomorrow, that would be awful but you would still need to find a way to be okay without him. I think that should be your goal.
posted by kat518 at 9:30 PM on December 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like many upsetting things are happening to you right now.
But I'll be blunt: from what you write, it sounds likely that you are amplifying things. Taking someone off of a shared calendar is different from cutting them out of one's life. I can understand your being bothered by what you describe, but I don't think your interpretation of its meaning is likely to be accurate (I don't think he was "cutting you out of his life" -- you guys live together), and thus I think you are feeling more upset than you might need to.
There are four steps here: his action, your interpretation of his action, your feelings about that interpretation, and your behavioral reaction. You should focus on the ones within your control. Saying "he needs to take responsibility that his actions hurt my feelings" isn't fair to ask if your interpretations are not very well connected to his actions. To illustrate, let me magnify the gulf very wide. Suppose (as a fictional example) he scratched his nose and you believed it meant he was signaling aliens to come take you to their planet and then felt hurt and angry. Would he need to take responsibility for hurting your feelings? No, he just scratched his nose. It would be your fault, because what really frightened you was your own mistaken interpretation of what the nose scratch meant. Likewise here, whatever is going on, his action was not him entirely cutting you out of his life, and you shouldn't hold him responsible for the hurt feelings that arose from you interpreting his actions in such a self-frightening way. I know, it's more than just the calendar, but still, I think it's at least possible that your interpretation goes beyond what the facts justify.
For now, I'd focus on working with your therapist to feel better and to develop techniques to use in these situations. One tool you might ask about is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which I've heard teaches a packet of skills that work well for situations where strong emotions get in the way of relationships.
I don't mean to say that there's nothing to talk about with him. There likely are some conversations you should have with him about how to keep your lives in sync and how his gf treats you. But for those to go well, you have some work to do to fact check your own interpretations. Don't try to have those conversations while you're still very upset and wanting to (even partially) blame him for how you're feeling.
Good luck, and again, I'm sorry you're feeling all of this.
posted by salvia at 10:10 PM on December 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
But I'll be blunt: from what you write, it sounds likely that you are amplifying things. Taking someone off of a shared calendar is different from cutting them out of one's life. I can understand your being bothered by what you describe, but I don't think your interpretation of its meaning is likely to be accurate (I don't think he was "cutting you out of his life" -- you guys live together), and thus I think you are feeling more upset than you might need to.
There are four steps here: his action, your interpretation of his action, your feelings about that interpretation, and your behavioral reaction. You should focus on the ones within your control. Saying "he needs to take responsibility that his actions hurt my feelings" isn't fair to ask if your interpretations are not very well connected to his actions. To illustrate, let me magnify the gulf very wide. Suppose (as a fictional example) he scratched his nose and you believed it meant he was signaling aliens to come take you to their planet and then felt hurt and angry. Would he need to take responsibility for hurting your feelings? No, he just scratched his nose. It would be your fault, because what really frightened you was your own mistaken interpretation of what the nose scratch meant. Likewise here, whatever is going on, his action was not him entirely cutting you out of his life, and you shouldn't hold him responsible for the hurt feelings that arose from you interpreting his actions in such a self-frightening way. I know, it's more than just the calendar, but still, I think it's at least possible that your interpretation goes beyond what the facts justify.
For now, I'd focus on working with your therapist to feel better and to develop techniques to use in these situations. One tool you might ask about is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which I've heard teaches a packet of skills that work well for situations where strong emotions get in the way of relationships.
I don't mean to say that there's nothing to talk about with him. There likely are some conversations you should have with him about how to keep your lives in sync and how his gf treats you. But for those to go well, you have some work to do to fact check your own interpretations. Don't try to have those conversations while you're still very upset and wanting to (even partially) blame him for how you're feeling.
Good luck, and again, I'm sorry you're feeling all of this.
posted by salvia at 10:10 PM on December 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. Like the others, I think you need to work on how you feel and leave the questions with your brother alone. You seem really smart, so you probably know that swinging between two poles of "I'm a monster" and "I didn't really do anything that bad compared to his girlfriend" doesn't leave your brother much room to react. If he doesn't agree with the second, you've set him up so he's committing to the first. He's your brother, and you love each other but sometimes people who love each other need time and distance. You overreacted badly with the pictures. Let him have some time to get over that.
In the mean time, I think you need to consider whether you need a new approach to taking care of yourself. You seem to do a really good job of trying to do so. I'm so impressed by the fact you quit drinking and that you're compliant with your medicine. Maybe this is a moment for you to consider whether you need some kind of extra self care to be less reactive to what other people express and do. Have you looked into a support group (either in person or online) for people with your challenges? One of my best friends suffers with Bipolar Disorder type 1, and she's been very good at using her online skills to find a group of others in the same boat and they support each other when the hamster starts running.
Good luck. You're not a monster, and you haven't ruined your life. You're okay and you will be okay regardless of what your brother does.
posted by frumiousb at 10:47 PM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
In the mean time, I think you need to consider whether you need a new approach to taking care of yourself. You seem to do a really good job of trying to do so. I'm so impressed by the fact you quit drinking and that you're compliant with your medicine. Maybe this is a moment for you to consider whether you need some kind of extra self care to be less reactive to what other people express and do. Have you looked into a support group (either in person or online) for people with your challenges? One of my best friends suffers with Bipolar Disorder type 1, and she's been very good at using her online skills to find a group of others in the same boat and they support each other when the hamster starts running.
Good luck. You're not a monster, and you haven't ruined your life. You're okay and you will be okay regardless of what your brother does.
posted by frumiousb at 10:47 PM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can't make your brother choose you over his girlfriend. If you try to make him choose, he'll probably pick her. There are many reasons why this is- ultimately it is not really a matter of your specific personality and his specific personality. It's a larger, societal-level trend with couples vs. single people, blended families, and growing into adulthood.
It feels really unfair and it sucks, but that's what's going to happen. You can either accept it and prepare for it, or not. I think continuing to fight and resist her influence is not going to be fruitful for you.
posted by quincunx at 2:03 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
It feels really unfair and it sucks, but that's what's going to happen. You can either accept it and prepare for it, or not. I think continuing to fight and resist her influence is not going to be fruitful for you.
posted by quincunx at 2:03 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with all the commenters about stepping back and taking a pause. I'm reading a great book right now called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach where it's all about the pause before acting.
Give yourself a month, 3 months, six months, or whatever. No contact. Unfortunately, you're going to have to let your brother take the lead on your relationship. I don't think you're never going to talk to him again, but it might take awhile. Sounds like he's 'whipped. Believe me, though, as soon as his girlfriend is out of the picture, he'll be complaining up a storm about the wenchbag.
Then, look at your part in it and apologize WITHOUT expecting an apology from him. You might be surprised if you come from a place of true humility. Accept that he may never apologize or see his side it in (I have yet to hear a ton of people apologize to me about many many things that have hurt me over the years). You can do this by email. Do not force him to meet you at Starbucks or anything.
I'm in a very similar situation to yours. I live in the same building as my in-laws (very common living situation in Italy) and my sister-in-law LOATHES me. When my baby cries, she bangs on her floor/my ceiling. She can barely look at me in the hallways. What have I ever done to her? NOTHING. Yet, she resents the hell out of me. It's about her.
Some more insight, however. Think of EVERYTHING you've ever said to your brother about his new girlfriend: anything. Assume he's told her. He's probably said, "My sister said pink wasn't your color" in order to give weight to an arguement. My husband does that with my words to his parents and his parents' words to me.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:54 AM on December 28, 2015
Give yourself a month, 3 months, six months, or whatever. No contact. Unfortunately, you're going to have to let your brother take the lead on your relationship. I don't think you're never going to talk to him again, but it might take awhile. Sounds like he's 'whipped. Believe me, though, as soon as his girlfriend is out of the picture, he'll be complaining up a storm about the wenchbag.
Then, look at your part in it and apologize WITHOUT expecting an apology from him. You might be surprised if you come from a place of true humility. Accept that he may never apologize or see his side it in (I have yet to hear a ton of people apologize to me about many many things that have hurt me over the years). You can do this by email. Do not force him to meet you at Starbucks or anything.
I'm in a very similar situation to yours. I live in the same building as my in-laws (very common living situation in Italy) and my sister-in-law LOATHES me. When my baby cries, she bangs on her floor/my ceiling. She can barely look at me in the hallways. What have I ever done to her? NOTHING. Yet, she resents the hell out of me. It's about her.
Some more insight, however. Think of EVERYTHING you've ever said to your brother about his new girlfriend: anything. Assume he's told her. He's probably said, "My sister said pink wasn't your color" in order to give weight to an arguement. My husband does that with my words to his parents and his parents' words to me.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:54 AM on December 28, 2015
Hi. No one has "put you in a position" to freak out for two days, cutting up family photos and assuming the worst. Your interpretation of your brother's action was not proportional to his action. He is not responsible for your thoughts or actions. Just as you are not responsible for his.
I have a lot of experience with bipolar and family dynamics. It sounds to me like you could really benefit from an immediate appointment with your therapist, and to check whether your medication levels are effective.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:04 AM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have a lot of experience with bipolar and family dynamics. It sounds to me like you could really benefit from an immediate appointment with your therapist, and to check whether your medication levels are effective.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:04 AM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
My mistake. It is clear you are dealing with your previous alcohol issue, I respect that and apologize for drawing the wrong conclusion.
With that said, I reiterate that whatever combination of things you are doing to address your PTSD, anxiety and agitated depression issues appears to not be working as well as it could, given your description of this incident and previous incidences. I'm sorry to invoke your posting history but it exists.
Let me ask you something - would it shock you to hear that it is possible to go through your day to day existence with no conflict whatsoever? When you hear someone say that, does it strike you as complete bullshit? Do you think that people who live that way are denying their true feelings, or lying, or just lucky, or pollyanna-ish, or full of shit?
You can actually live your life without feeling that anyone is talking behind your back, that your work is gratifying and low-key, and that your relationships with friends and family are solid. You can even find yourself in family, social and work interactions with people whom you don't care for and who clearly don't care for you and not have intense emotional responses to them which leave you grappling with yourself and your mental health for days afterward. All of this is possible. Sure, the occasional misunderstanding or irritant can crop up; of course. But constant turmoil is not typical and not something you have to live with.
Talk to your therapist today. You need something more. Either a new therapist, a new approach, a higher dose of medication, additional talk-therapy sessions during high-stress times like the holidays, something. You're doing lots of work right now - that's good and what you should be doing. But there is more that can and should be done to support the hard work you're engaged in. And I'm going to say, too, that the roofie incident seems to be something that you need to really engage with; it's possible something in this incident with your brother has triggered something to do with that incident that you have not really come to terms with yet.
You have been on my mind all night. I know what this feels like and I promise you it does not have to be this way. I've been where you are now and have dealt with my own trauma, and I have come out the other side with a completely different life. Good luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:24 AM on December 28, 2015 [16 favorites]
With that said, I reiterate that whatever combination of things you are doing to address your PTSD, anxiety and agitated depression issues appears to not be working as well as it could, given your description of this incident and previous incidences. I'm sorry to invoke your posting history but it exists.
Let me ask you something - would it shock you to hear that it is possible to go through your day to day existence with no conflict whatsoever? When you hear someone say that, does it strike you as complete bullshit? Do you think that people who live that way are denying their true feelings, or lying, or just lucky, or pollyanna-ish, or full of shit?
You can actually live your life without feeling that anyone is talking behind your back, that your work is gratifying and low-key, and that your relationships with friends and family are solid. You can even find yourself in family, social and work interactions with people whom you don't care for and who clearly don't care for you and not have intense emotional responses to them which leave you grappling with yourself and your mental health for days afterward. All of this is possible. Sure, the occasional misunderstanding or irritant can crop up; of course. But constant turmoil is not typical and not something you have to live with.
Talk to your therapist today. You need something more. Either a new therapist, a new approach, a higher dose of medication, additional talk-therapy sessions during high-stress times like the holidays, something. You're doing lots of work right now - that's good and what you should be doing. But there is more that can and should be done to support the hard work you're engaged in. And I'm going to say, too, that the roofie incident seems to be something that you need to really engage with; it's possible something in this incident with your brother has triggered something to do with that incident that you have not really come to terms with yet.
You have been on my mind all night. I know what this feels like and I promise you it does not have to be this way. I've been where you are now and have dealt with my own trauma, and I have come out the other side with a completely different life. Good luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:24 AM on December 28, 2015 [16 favorites]
"Brother, I'm sorry that I blew up at you. I hope I can do something to heal this rift between us, and I understand that you need some space right now. I'll call you in a couple of weeks. I love you."
Don't bring up the girlfriend. Don't bring up what he did. Take responsibility for your actions and ignore his. If he does, just let it sail by. If he insists on making the relationship between you and her into the focus of a conversation, say "I like that you like her, and that's all I need to do." Eventually, when it gets really bad again, and she's specifically trying to cut you out of his life, point out to him, "I love you. She loves you. One of us is not trying to make you give up the other one." And then let him make his own decision. It might be her. And if it is, she will continue to do that to him, over and over again: "I hate that dumb college friend of yours and his stupid stories, and he's an asshole, and you shouldn't hang out with him." "I don't like who you are around that person from work when you hang out outside of the office."
And one day they'll have a fight and he'll realize that she has cut him off from his entire support network. Maybe he'll call you then. Don't gloat.
posted by Etrigan at 6:47 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't bring up the girlfriend. Don't bring up what he did. Take responsibility for your actions and ignore his. If he does, just let it sail by. If he insists on making the relationship between you and her into the focus of a conversation, say "I like that you like her, and that's all I need to do." Eventually, when it gets really bad again, and she's specifically trying to cut you out of his life, point out to him, "I love you. She loves you. One of us is not trying to make you give up the other one." And then let him make his own decision. It might be her. And if it is, she will continue to do that to him, over and over again: "I hate that dumb college friend of yours and his stupid stories, and he's an asshole, and you shouldn't hang out with him." "I don't like who you are around that person from work when you hang out outside of the office."
And one day they'll have a fight and he'll realize that she has cut him off from his entire support network. Maybe he'll call you then. Don't gloat.
posted by Etrigan at 6:47 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes. Apologize to your brother, knowing that he might not be in the mood to be forgiving at the moment.
Go to a therapist and tell him everything that happened (maybe even print out this story and show it to him) and tell him you want to change.
In the end, your brother doesn't see bipolar or PTSD. He sees "angry person who engages in property damage when she gets upset at something." And, as should be expected, he doesn't want to be around that. In fact, no one wants to be around that, and if you don't change, you will drive everyone away. It looks like you understand very well that this is unacceptable. That's a good thing.
To be honest, I have a family member who is similar to you, and the number of ruined plans he has caused and the number of events that he had to make all about himself means that no one else wants to deal with him except his somewhat-enabling parents. And even they are losing patience. I am happy you you that you realize something is wrong.
I don't understand why I've become this kind of person.
This is what therapists and psychiatrists are for! They see people like that all the time! The difference here is that are actually aware you're doing someone wrong and want to change it! So work with a psychiatrist and try to resolve it.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 7:21 AM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Go to a therapist and tell him everything that happened (maybe even print out this story and show it to him) and tell him you want to change.
In the end, your brother doesn't see bipolar or PTSD. He sees "angry person who engages in property damage when she gets upset at something." And, as should be expected, he doesn't want to be around that. In fact, no one wants to be around that, and if you don't change, you will drive everyone away. It looks like you understand very well that this is unacceptable. That's a good thing.
To be honest, I have a family member who is similar to you, and the number of ruined plans he has caused and the number of events that he had to make all about himself means that no one else wants to deal with him except his somewhat-enabling parents. And even they are losing patience. I am happy you you that you realize something is wrong.
I don't understand why I've become this kind of person.
This is what therapists and psychiatrists are for! They see people like that all the time! The difference here is that are actually aware you're doing someone wrong and want to change it! So work with a psychiatrist and try to resolve it.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 7:21 AM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Sometimes, when there are flare-ups (or high stress periods), your maintenance dose might need to be adjusted. As we get older, our bodies change. There are lots of very good reasons why you might need to see about tweaking those meds. Just because they've worked for a while doesn't mean they'll always work forever.
I know it's hard, the obsessive thoughts that lead into that crazy hamster-wheel frenzy. (I call it my squeaky-squeaky moments.) But that's what therapy's for--and I know it's hard, but you've got to let it go with your brother for right now. I know, there's that all-consuming need for him to FORGIVE YOU, RIGHT THIS SECOND, but he needs space, and you need help.
Once you focus on getting you feeling better (it's hard, I know. And it sucks), then I think some of the other craziness might get more bearable. But you've gotta breathe. Panic a little, I know that helps sometimes, then go take a breath and get some help if you need it while you figure out your next step. You can do this.
posted by PearlRose at 7:21 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know it's hard, the obsessive thoughts that lead into that crazy hamster-wheel frenzy. (I call it my squeaky-squeaky moments.) But that's what therapy's for--and I know it's hard, but you've got to let it go with your brother for right now. I know, there's that all-consuming need for him to FORGIVE YOU, RIGHT THIS SECOND, but he needs space, and you need help.
Once you focus on getting you feeling better (it's hard, I know. And it sucks), then I think some of the other craziness might get more bearable. But you've gotta breathe. Panic a little, I know that helps sometimes, then go take a breath and get some help if you need it while you figure out your next step. You can do this.
posted by PearlRose at 7:21 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
You seem to be continually choosing situations of conflict and difficulty, and while not pleasant, those situations appear to be comfortable to you.
1. You start by describing a problem with your brother's partner
2. Then go into a "me against the world" story about your recent work experience
3. Then into a bipolar description that dovetails into your situation with your brother
4. Then into a description about your troubles this year with mental health.
Reading your description of your brother, what I read is that you are afraid of him leaving you.
You start with how his partner is forcing him to choose between her and his family. You then illustrate how unsafe the world is for you, and your difficulty navigating it. You then move to the heart of the matter, which is that your view seems to be that either you possess your brother, or his girlfriend posses him.
my big brother who has always taken care of me, because I am a bad monster who ruins things, and I lost one job and ran from another, and I fail at everything because I am bad.
That for me sums it up. Your brother is moving forward in his life. He's found a partner, and is building a relationship with her. You are threatened by that because he "has always taken care of me," and now he is taking care of someone else.
That proposition may deeply scare you because it is permanent. That he is not only choosing to prioritise his partner in his life now, but he will do so for the foreseeable future. Hence, you are creating a situation in which you have offended and hurt him, which can then be fixed with the right words and actions. That you feel him moving away because you hurt him. When the reality is that he is moving away because he has found a partner and building a life with her.
As mentioned, you must seek therapy to learn how to manage your own life now. For, your brother seems to be telling you in both subtle and overt ways that he will not longer sit in the role of your carer – that he has his own life now, and it's time for you to have your own life as well. His moves seem to support this. I'll give one illustration here for you to consider:
At any rate he says he's not sure he can still live with me if I have PTSD
The reality is that he may not want to live with a roommate – any roommate. As mentioned, he is moving forward with his life, and may well want to prepare for living with his girlfriend. If you read back through your post, there seem to be a lot of things that happen to you. His girlfriend is mean to you. Bosses are out to get you. Workplaces are inherently hostile. Brother refuses to accept responsibility for a fight. You go into a tailspin.
Removing the emotional charges from your story, it appears that your brother has chosen a girlfriend and seems to want to build a life with her. That life does not involve him living with you. Your reaction is to take that personally, and sabotage your life as proof that you need him to look after you. That he cannot build that relationship with her, because you are not alright. The world is a scary place, and you cannot take care of yourself without him. It's not that you dislike his girlfriend, it's that you cannot accept a world where he does not prioritise protecting you. Hence, you are inventing the world as a very hostile place, all the way back to the core issue that, that it is a choice for him between you and his girlfriend.
That read may or may not be right, but it is what I take away from two or three reviews of what you have said.
It is painful to read the words you are writing about yourself – things like monster.
You are not a monster. You are afraid of what happens to you without your brother's care and support.
You have not ruined your life. You have had a hard go of things, and you are afraid of what happens to you without your brother's care and support.
You do not dislike your brother's girlfriend for who she is. You see her as taking him away from you, and you are afraid of what happens to you without your brother's care and support.
Basically, it looks like your life is going to change – is already changing, has already changed – and you are having a very difficult time with that. Rather than telling your brother, "I am really scared of what your relationship means for me," you are acting out emotionally and attempting to signal to him that you fear you will not be okay without him. Rather than have that conversation and honestly say to him, "I am really scared of what your relationship means to me," you are attempting to get him to show you that he cares. When you become angry, demeaning, and violent, it is as if you want him to join you and say, "It's okay, I'm scared too."
You may think that you and your brother are bound together, when I doubt he sees it that way. From his actions, it looks like he is taking the steps to move forward in his own life, and that is a life with you in a different position / role. That is a very natural thing for a person to do, and I think it would be hard to discredit him for entering into his own life.
That it is causing you a tremendous amount of strain and distress is saying that you do not feel capable of taking care of yourself without his presence. Which, shortened, is to say that you do not feel capable of taking care of yourself right now. You are terrified of what happens to you when he goes.
In terms of how to move forward, there are a number of starting points that you can look at to help drain away some of the emotion here, and get to a rational place where you can make more firm assessments and decisions.
1) Discuss your fear of taking care of yourself with a professional. There are two potential realities.
One is that you have an irrational fear of taking care of yourself. That you are actually quite capable of taking care of yourself, and you are afraid of doing that / don't trust yourself to do that / etc. In that case, you may have trust and boundary issues to work on.
The other is that you have a very rational fear of taking care of yourself. That you are not capable of taking care of yourself right now, and you will need support from someone / somewhere. In that case, you may have life skills issues and medication fine-tuning.
2) There is only one way that I see to repair the situation with your brother, and that is to let him go, and accept the life choices that he is making. The basic repair would be to accept it, and the more full repair would be to encourage it.
3) Your point about empathy is very important, for you do seem to have some difficulty with empathy here. As long as the world is against you / things are happening to you / you are a victim, it's very hard to see the world from anyone else's eyes. That may or may not be related to PTSD, only a medical professional will be able to tell you for certain.
However, I see this as a crucial topic for you, for there are few key points where your lack of empathy has stopped you from really connecting and engaging with the people that you love.
Have you considered that your brother is scared? Taking a partner is a wonderful step, but it is also a big step, and involves both commitment and change.
Have you considered that your brother is cared for you? That he has been looking after you, and looking out for you, and that now his role is changing. He obviously loves you and cares for you, but he cannot both be your carer, and build a life of his own. That is a difficult choice and it may be very painful for him.
Have you considered that his girlfriend may be feeling very threatened by your dependency on him / his acceptance of that dependancy? That she wants to build a relationship with him, and move forward in life together, but at the same time, she knows he loves you, and that you need his help. That's an inner conflict for her, for she needs a partner that is attentive to her and prioritises her, yet in asking for that attention and priority, she is putting him in a place of conflict.
There are many of those issues to explore here, for this is not a simple situation. It's not a simple case of your brother accepting poor behaviour on your part, or you and he mending a bridge. This is about him going in a new direction in life, which then means that you also have to go in a new direction. The difference is that he is choosing it, whereas that choice also affects you – and it seems as if you see that your life is now out of your control.
In closing, I would like to say to you that you are not a monster, and you have not ruined your life. From what you have written, you are a capable person who needs to work on a few life skills. Far from being unique, many many people are doing the same thing. You are not trapped by your past, and while you have been shaped by your past, it certainly does not define you today. You are in a moment where both you and your brother's lives are changing. They are changing at the same time, but they are changing in different ways.
And for all the anger and hostility that seems to be boiling over, I think it comes down to the most important point of empathy that you need to address, and that is the empathy that you must have for yourself. There are moments in your past that sound difficult. Watch areas. Bad memories. Tough times. It seems that you are trying to divorce yourself from those, in an attempt to kill them off. That you are a different person now, and those things are far away. And you obviously draw a lot of strength from your brother.
So in empathy terms, maybe you need to say to yourself (and him perhaps), "I am afraid of what happens to me without his support. I don't want to go back where I was, and I am afraid of that happening." And then sit with that truth – or whatever the real truth that you find there is. Let it resonate and really feel it. You are scared, and you are being very hard on yourself right now. While it's fine to be scared, being hard on yourself is becoming destructive for you, and I think the other commenters are right that you need to work on that with a professional. You may not need to work on all the general life issues if you don't want to do that, but rather very specifically, why you are being so hard on yourself about accepting a change that is a really big deal.
This is a big deal, and it matter. And you need help with it. You may need help with a lot more, you may not. But you seem to need help in dealing with this change in roles with your brother. There are a lot of ways to get started, and once you crack the facade and find that empathy for yourself, I think you'll do well.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are loved, even if you don't feel it right now. Even if it seems far away. People love you and care about you. You're in a difficult place, and that happens. That happens to many/most/all of us. It's okay to be in a difficult place. It's okay not to like changes that happen.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by nickrussell at 7:51 AM on December 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
1. You start by describing a problem with your brother's partner
2. Then go into a "me against the world" story about your recent work experience
3. Then into a bipolar description that dovetails into your situation with your brother
4. Then into a description about your troubles this year with mental health.
Reading your description of your brother, what I read is that you are afraid of him leaving you.
You start with how his partner is forcing him to choose between her and his family. You then illustrate how unsafe the world is for you, and your difficulty navigating it. You then move to the heart of the matter, which is that your view seems to be that either you possess your brother, or his girlfriend posses him.
my big brother who has always taken care of me, because I am a bad monster who ruins things, and I lost one job and ran from another, and I fail at everything because I am bad.
That for me sums it up. Your brother is moving forward in his life. He's found a partner, and is building a relationship with her. You are threatened by that because he "has always taken care of me," and now he is taking care of someone else.
That proposition may deeply scare you because it is permanent. That he is not only choosing to prioritise his partner in his life now, but he will do so for the foreseeable future. Hence, you are creating a situation in which you have offended and hurt him, which can then be fixed with the right words and actions. That you feel him moving away because you hurt him. When the reality is that he is moving away because he has found a partner and building a life with her.
As mentioned, you must seek therapy to learn how to manage your own life now. For, your brother seems to be telling you in both subtle and overt ways that he will not longer sit in the role of your carer – that he has his own life now, and it's time for you to have your own life as well. His moves seem to support this. I'll give one illustration here for you to consider:
At any rate he says he's not sure he can still live with me if I have PTSD
The reality is that he may not want to live with a roommate – any roommate. As mentioned, he is moving forward with his life, and may well want to prepare for living with his girlfriend. If you read back through your post, there seem to be a lot of things that happen to you. His girlfriend is mean to you. Bosses are out to get you. Workplaces are inherently hostile. Brother refuses to accept responsibility for a fight. You go into a tailspin.
Removing the emotional charges from your story, it appears that your brother has chosen a girlfriend and seems to want to build a life with her. That life does not involve him living with you. Your reaction is to take that personally, and sabotage your life as proof that you need him to look after you. That he cannot build that relationship with her, because you are not alright. The world is a scary place, and you cannot take care of yourself without him. It's not that you dislike his girlfriend, it's that you cannot accept a world where he does not prioritise protecting you. Hence, you are inventing the world as a very hostile place, all the way back to the core issue that, that it is a choice for him between you and his girlfriend.
That read may or may not be right, but it is what I take away from two or three reviews of what you have said.
It is painful to read the words you are writing about yourself – things like monster.
You are not a monster. You are afraid of what happens to you without your brother's care and support.
You have not ruined your life. You have had a hard go of things, and you are afraid of what happens to you without your brother's care and support.
You do not dislike your brother's girlfriend for who she is. You see her as taking him away from you, and you are afraid of what happens to you without your brother's care and support.
Basically, it looks like your life is going to change – is already changing, has already changed – and you are having a very difficult time with that. Rather than telling your brother, "I am really scared of what your relationship means for me," you are acting out emotionally and attempting to signal to him that you fear you will not be okay without him. Rather than have that conversation and honestly say to him, "I am really scared of what your relationship means to me," you are attempting to get him to show you that he cares. When you become angry, demeaning, and violent, it is as if you want him to join you and say, "It's okay, I'm scared too."
You may think that you and your brother are bound together, when I doubt he sees it that way. From his actions, it looks like he is taking the steps to move forward in his own life, and that is a life with you in a different position / role. That is a very natural thing for a person to do, and I think it would be hard to discredit him for entering into his own life.
That it is causing you a tremendous amount of strain and distress is saying that you do not feel capable of taking care of yourself without his presence. Which, shortened, is to say that you do not feel capable of taking care of yourself right now. You are terrified of what happens to you when he goes.
In terms of how to move forward, there are a number of starting points that you can look at to help drain away some of the emotion here, and get to a rational place where you can make more firm assessments and decisions.
1) Discuss your fear of taking care of yourself with a professional. There are two potential realities.
One is that you have an irrational fear of taking care of yourself. That you are actually quite capable of taking care of yourself, and you are afraid of doing that / don't trust yourself to do that / etc. In that case, you may have trust and boundary issues to work on.
The other is that you have a very rational fear of taking care of yourself. That you are not capable of taking care of yourself right now, and you will need support from someone / somewhere. In that case, you may have life skills issues and medication fine-tuning.
2) There is only one way that I see to repair the situation with your brother, and that is to let him go, and accept the life choices that he is making. The basic repair would be to accept it, and the more full repair would be to encourage it.
3) Your point about empathy is very important, for you do seem to have some difficulty with empathy here. As long as the world is against you / things are happening to you / you are a victim, it's very hard to see the world from anyone else's eyes. That may or may not be related to PTSD, only a medical professional will be able to tell you for certain.
However, I see this as a crucial topic for you, for there are few key points where your lack of empathy has stopped you from really connecting and engaging with the people that you love.
Have you considered that your brother is scared? Taking a partner is a wonderful step, but it is also a big step, and involves both commitment and change.
Have you considered that your brother is cared for you? That he has been looking after you, and looking out for you, and that now his role is changing. He obviously loves you and cares for you, but he cannot both be your carer, and build a life of his own. That is a difficult choice and it may be very painful for him.
Have you considered that his girlfriend may be feeling very threatened by your dependency on him / his acceptance of that dependancy? That she wants to build a relationship with him, and move forward in life together, but at the same time, she knows he loves you, and that you need his help. That's an inner conflict for her, for she needs a partner that is attentive to her and prioritises her, yet in asking for that attention and priority, she is putting him in a place of conflict.
There are many of those issues to explore here, for this is not a simple situation. It's not a simple case of your brother accepting poor behaviour on your part, or you and he mending a bridge. This is about him going in a new direction in life, which then means that you also have to go in a new direction. The difference is that he is choosing it, whereas that choice also affects you – and it seems as if you see that your life is now out of your control.
In closing, I would like to say to you that you are not a monster, and you have not ruined your life. From what you have written, you are a capable person who needs to work on a few life skills. Far from being unique, many many people are doing the same thing. You are not trapped by your past, and while you have been shaped by your past, it certainly does not define you today. You are in a moment where both you and your brother's lives are changing. They are changing at the same time, but they are changing in different ways.
And for all the anger and hostility that seems to be boiling over, I think it comes down to the most important point of empathy that you need to address, and that is the empathy that you must have for yourself. There are moments in your past that sound difficult. Watch areas. Bad memories. Tough times. It seems that you are trying to divorce yourself from those, in an attempt to kill them off. That you are a different person now, and those things are far away. And you obviously draw a lot of strength from your brother.
So in empathy terms, maybe you need to say to yourself (and him perhaps), "I am afraid of what happens to me without his support. I don't want to go back where I was, and I am afraid of that happening." And then sit with that truth – or whatever the real truth that you find there is. Let it resonate and really feel it. You are scared, and you are being very hard on yourself right now. While it's fine to be scared, being hard on yourself is becoming destructive for you, and I think the other commenters are right that you need to work on that with a professional. You may not need to work on all the general life issues if you don't want to do that, but rather very specifically, why you are being so hard on yourself about accepting a change that is a really big deal.
This is a big deal, and it matter. And you need help with it. You may need help with a lot more, you may not. But you seem to need help in dealing with this change in roles with your brother. There are a lot of ways to get started, and once you crack the facade and find that empathy for yourself, I think you'll do well.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are loved, even if you don't feel it right now. Even if it seems far away. People love you and care about you. You're in a difficult place, and that happens. That happens to many/most/all of us. It's okay to be in a difficult place. It's okay not to like changes that happen.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by nickrussell at 7:51 AM on December 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
I also think you need a new therapist.
You wrote, "my therapist says that I have some mild PTSD from being excluded from work meetings." PTSD is a reaction to trauma, not to being left out of work meetings.
This is serious drama making, and your therapist is encouraging you to blame your behaviors on this externally caused inner situation (e.g. "I went into a full on PTSD tailspin/manic fight or flight episode, came home, cut up photos of me and my brother"). This is a long winded way of blaming your former boss for your choice to violate your brother's safety and seriously damage your relationship with him. You don't need a therapist like that. You need one who can give you the inner tools to control your reactions, and particularly to help you determine when your first reactions are disproportionate to the circumstances.
And I agree with everyone upthread who said you and your brother need more space. You need to apologize to him for your behaviors, genuinely, by taking full responsibility, not saying, "But it was because you/she/they ...." That's not an apology; it's blaming. You can turn yourself around, but not if you demand that everyone around you do the work for you.
Seek balance -- not as a state of being, but as a way of reacting.
posted by Capri at 9:03 AM on December 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
You wrote, "my therapist says that I have some mild PTSD from being excluded from work meetings." PTSD is a reaction to trauma, not to being left out of work meetings.
This is serious drama making, and your therapist is encouraging you to blame your behaviors on this externally caused inner situation (e.g. "I went into a full on PTSD tailspin/manic fight or flight episode, came home, cut up photos of me and my brother"). This is a long winded way of blaming your former boss for your choice to violate your brother's safety and seriously damage your relationship with him. You don't need a therapist like that. You need one who can give you the inner tools to control your reactions, and particularly to help you determine when your first reactions are disproportionate to the circumstances.
And I agree with everyone upthread who said you and your brother need more space. You need to apologize to him for your behaviors, genuinely, by taking full responsibility, not saying, "But it was because you/she/they ...." That's not an apology; it's blaming. You can turn yourself around, but not if you demand that everyone around you do the work for you.
Seek balance -- not as a state of being, but as a way of reacting.
posted by Capri at 9:03 AM on December 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
If this is a new state of being for you then you should get a physical to rule out a physiological issue - chemical, hormonal or other kind of physical thing. Maybe you're also on the wrong meds altogether. Something is up and there's an answer. Part of that could be physical.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 9:10 AM on December 28, 2015
posted by TryTheTilapia at 9:10 AM on December 28, 2015
Maybe I have a different way of looking at this because I also have PTSD.
It sounds like you've had a really shitty year. Not only was your boss at job #1 an abusive jerk, your office party at job #2 was triggering based on previous substance use AND a horrendously traumatic event only 4 years ago AND your recent experience at job #1, your brother/brother's girlfriend is making your home life feel like garbage, and your support system (boyfriend, therapist, and brother) is less available than usual. That's enough to make anyone feel stressed out and, sadly, stress makes us neurodivergent folks even more neurodivergent - your bipolar symptoms are showing up because you now also possibly have PTSD, not because you fucked up or your meds suddenly stopped working (though you might need new meds/coping mechanisms for the trauma).
You are not a monster. You're not. You tore up some photos, so what? Your brother is using your mental illness as a scapegoat to get out of being accountable for how his behaviour (ignoring you, changing routines in a way that of course is seen as abandonment, repeatedly inviting over someone who he knows is hostile to you without telling that person to knock it off) affects you. I lived with a really close friend who did similar things to me when she started dating someone and they both expected me to just accept being treated like I didn't matter and it was absolute hell - this is often done under the guise of "well romantic relationships just matter more y'know" and I think that's a load of crap and also why partnered folks so frequently have little friends. Your home life stress is prolonging your fight or flight from job #1 and is sucking up the resources you need to handle shit like job #2's holiday party (either of which would be huge things to deal with even if you have a supportive home). Your brother has let you down when you are facing a lot of crap from "outside" and this feels like betrayal and you are not a monster for feeling immensely disappointed and trapped.
My advice? Start planning to move out. Your brother has shown that he is not willing to prioritize you in ways that you want to be prioritized and it is not going to get better from here. Even if you reconcile, he's not going to ditch his girlfriend or provide you with the emotional support you want. You need a supportive home free of bullshit and he is showing you that he does not want to be that for you. It sucks, it's totally OK to be upset about this, but you honestly deserve to live with someone who listens to your concerns about your living arrangement and who doesn't make your life harder. It is not your fault that he does not want to support you and there is no way "right way to act" in order to get what you need from him.
If you cannot move out, you need to dial down your interactions with your brother. It is clear you want to rely on him for support. It is also clear that he does not want to be your support. There is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. You need to find other sources of support especially to help you bear the trauma you now carry. It is OK to be frustrated by the lack of support you have and you are controlling your grief/frustration/sadness very well.
I am sorry that you are facing so much at once. You are not a monster. You are handling your destructive impulses very well with no/minimal harm to yourself/others. You are under immense stress and it is OK that you feel like your symptoms are showing - being bipolar, acting bipolar, does not make you a monster and you do not need to act 110% unaffected all the time in order to be worthy of support.
I also want to add that people with mood disorders might find coping mechanisms for BPD/CPTSD more helpful than those for typical PTSD.
posted by buteo at 9:28 AM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you've had a really shitty year. Not only was your boss at job #1 an abusive jerk, your office party at job #2 was triggering based on previous substance use AND a horrendously traumatic event only 4 years ago AND your recent experience at job #1, your brother/brother's girlfriend is making your home life feel like garbage, and your support system (boyfriend, therapist, and brother) is less available than usual. That's enough to make anyone feel stressed out and, sadly, stress makes us neurodivergent folks even more neurodivergent - your bipolar symptoms are showing up because you now also possibly have PTSD, not because you fucked up or your meds suddenly stopped working (though you might need new meds/coping mechanisms for the trauma).
You are not a monster. You're not. You tore up some photos, so what? Your brother is using your mental illness as a scapegoat to get out of being accountable for how his behaviour (ignoring you, changing routines in a way that of course is seen as abandonment, repeatedly inviting over someone who he knows is hostile to you without telling that person to knock it off) affects you. I lived with a really close friend who did similar things to me when she started dating someone and they both expected me to just accept being treated like I didn't matter and it was absolute hell - this is often done under the guise of "well romantic relationships just matter more y'know" and I think that's a load of crap and also why partnered folks so frequently have little friends. Your home life stress is prolonging your fight or flight from job #1 and is sucking up the resources you need to handle shit like job #2's holiday party (either of which would be huge things to deal with even if you have a supportive home). Your brother has let you down when you are facing a lot of crap from "outside" and this feels like betrayal and you are not a monster for feeling immensely disappointed and trapped.
My advice? Start planning to move out. Your brother has shown that he is not willing to prioritize you in ways that you want to be prioritized and it is not going to get better from here. Even if you reconcile, he's not going to ditch his girlfriend or provide you with the emotional support you want. You need a supportive home free of bullshit and he is showing you that he does not want to be that for you. It sucks, it's totally OK to be upset about this, but you honestly deserve to live with someone who listens to your concerns about your living arrangement and who doesn't make your life harder. It is not your fault that he does not want to support you and there is no way "right way to act" in order to get what you need from him.
If you cannot move out, you need to dial down your interactions with your brother. It is clear you want to rely on him for support. It is also clear that he does not want to be your support. There is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. You need to find other sources of support especially to help you bear the trauma you now carry. It is OK to be frustrated by the lack of support you have and you are controlling your grief/frustration/sadness very well.
I am sorry that you are facing so much at once. You are not a monster. You are handling your destructive impulses very well with no/minimal harm to yourself/others. You are under immense stress and it is OK that you feel like your symptoms are showing - being bipolar, acting bipolar, does not make you a monster and you do not need to act 110% unaffected all the time in order to be worthy of support.
I also want to add that people with mood disorders might find coping mechanisms for BPD/CPTSD more helpful than those for typical PTSD.
posted by buteo at 9:28 AM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
One of the things I work on with my therapist is how to intercept the fight or flight response that crops up for me in times of extreme stress or confusion because my brain interprets confusion and lack of information as a threat for some reason.
This is literally exactly what DBT is for.
posted by listen, lady at 9:29 AM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is literally exactly what DBT is for.
posted by listen, lady at 9:29 AM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
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